The Summer Remains (18 page)

“That I’m getting life-threatening surgery?” I suddenly asked, turning to her. “Yes, Shelly, it was the first thing I said when I met him. I was like, ‘Hi, I’m Summer. I like pretentious literary novels, long walks on the beach, and oh, I might die soon, but love me anyway. What looks good on the menu?’”

She winced. “Sum, I wasn’t saying that. Please chill out. And don’t talk like that, you’ll be fine. If you’re hungry there’s some milk in the – wait, actually, you are looking
beyond
pale. Do you want me to make you some gravy?”

I glared at her. For some weird reason, probably because it was fatty but also kind of liquid-y and I could eat it sometimes without barfing, my mother had spent my entire life laboring under the bizarre delusion that I liked gravy. I never usually made a fuss about it when she shoved it down my throat, but tonight I was in no mood to beat around the bush. Some truths you just had to put out there, even Gravy Truths.

“I don’t like gravy,” I said. “I don’t like it and I don’t want it and I will never want it and I did not just get my heart broken by Cooper and that fucking bitch Autumn.”

“Huh?” Shelly asked, squinting at me as she stepped closer. “Summer, what happened? Are you okay?”

“I don’t have time for this right now,” I said, the kitchen blurring around me as I lifted up my shirt to insert some milk. “I just wanna lie down.”

“Don’t shut
me
out, Summer Martin. Don’t be like that. Look – I know you’re dealing with a lot, and you’re trying to live your life.”

“Yeah,” I said. By this point the room was spinning.

“But just please stop running away from me. From us. I like having you around. I want you around while we…while I still can. And it’s not just that. You think you’re all grown up but you’re so young, Summer. You don’t know it. You’re
so
young
. Didn’t you get my voicemails about the carnival tomorrow?”

“No,” I said absently.
Sleep Sleep Sleep Cooper left me Sleep.
“I don’t even check my voicemail. Voicemails are awkward.”

“Well, I needed you around today. Chase has the flu and I’ve been so stressed out with work and-”

“Chase doesn’t have the flu,” I said. “I saw him this morning. He’s fine.”

“He’s practically on death’s door, Summer, and you denying it isn’t going to help.”

Even though I was getting groggier by the second, I felt my body shiver with that weird thrill you get when acidic words rise into your throat and you know you won’t be able to keep them there.

“Why do you want him to be sick?” I asked, letting the acid out. “So you can stay in denial about me and shove all your anxieties onto him and live in your fantasy world where you make me babysit him while you go off on dates looking for a replacement for Dad?”

Once again, I regretted it the moment I’d said it. I turned around, and my mom’s eyes were filling up with tears.

“You…you really think I do that?”

“I don’t know what I think anymore,” I said as I looked away, my vision going in and out for some reason. “Sorry.”

“Sweetie,” she said, “I feel weird even talking to you about this because I feel inferior to you and you make me nervous for some reason, and I would
never
blame anything on you, but…you have no idea…you have no idea how hard it was. Caring for you became my whole life, and I let everything else fall away, including my marriage. And sometimes I…sometimes I think I waited too long, and it’s too late for me.”

The pain grew. “Shelly, it’s not too late for you, but I…”

“No, I
need
you to hear this,” she said. “It’s just that I wanted to take care of you, but I also wanted a life, but I forgot about myself, and now I have nowhere to direct my energies, and-”

“You think I don’t know all this?” I asked as I leaned forward and propped myself up on the island’s countertop, growing delirious from the pain. The light was fading but I needed to get this out. “You think I don’t know that I’m the reason you’re broke, and alone, and obsessed with Chase’s nonexistent health problems? You think I don’t feel like a mistake, a flawed model, a scar on the face of humanity? News flash, Shelly: I’m fucked up, and I might die, and my existence is going to fuck up the lives of you and Chase and everyone else I love. It is my destiny to ruin you, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”

A shocked silence followed.

“Do you…do you
really
feel that way?” I was vaguely aware of Shelly asking next. She turned on the light to see me better. “Do you – oh my God, you’re white as a ghost, Summer! What’s wrong? Are you okay? What’s wrong?!”

I clutched the edge of the counter and then felt my knees buckle under me. All the pain and light shrank into one pinprick of unbearable misery before everything fell away, and my mother screaming Chase’s name was the last thing I heard before I sank into the warm, comfortable darkness of sleep.

16

There was a river. That much I knew. I did not know if I was dreaming or if I was dead or if any of this was even real or just my shutting-down soul imagining what death might look like, but I did know one thing for sure – a river ran through me, submerging me, until I was trapped in my own mind between life and whatever lay beyond life. The trees on either side were big and deciduous and reminded me of North Carolina where I’d gone every summer as a girl, young and broken but brave. I bobbed in and out, fluttering on the edge of two worlds. Underneath, everything was grey and muted and comfortable. Safe. I knew nobody could ever hurt me here. Every time I fell under the surface again I would feel my breathing slow and hear the voices in my head subside and I knew I would be protected there.

But then the current would force me up into the sun again, out into the air, and I’d see or imagine all the things I wasn’t so sure about in the world: my mother, with ancient fear in her eyes. Hordes of doctors staring down at me, murmuring to one another about my prospects. And finally Cooper, the stormy-eyed boy of my dreams and nightmares. I could sense it down to my invisible bones: he was deliberating.

And I was the deliberated.

The wheels in my brain, wherever or whatever it was, started to turn, and soon I knew I had to choose. I could feel the currents pulling me back below, trying to sweep me off to somewhere only the angels knew, but soon I decided I didn’t want to go just yet. I wasn’t done here: I wanted to comfort the terror out of my mother’s soul. I wanted to stand tall and prove to the doctors that I was worthy of undergoing the surgery. But most of all, I wanted one last chance with Cooper; one last breath on the surface of the river that was my summer with him. And so I made my decision.

I wished my way up to the surface and woke up in a sweaty hospital gown on the fifth of July.

~

The endless machines surrounding me buzzed and beeped as Dr. Steinberg walked into the room early that afternoon. Upon his arrival I’d been sort of exhaustedly humming a favorite Saviour song,
Stars and Stripes
, while thinking of the strange, watery dream I’d been having upon waking up that morning.

I could love you

That’s what I thought when I first saw you

But now that I’m drowning in you

I’m wonderin’ why you didn’t banish all my blues

You are my only god now

My Stars and Stripes, the thunder in my chest, pow pow

The star of my show, boy, take that bow

But now that I’ve fallen into you, why’s it feel like we’re doomed somehow?

What goes up comes back down

Camelot, Jackie O, burn that crown

But I am standing here asking you to break the tradition

Don’t let me down, boy, success is my only condition

I stopped humming and looked at him.

“Hello there, Summer,” he said quietly.

“Hi.”

“So. I think you know why you’re here.”

“I actually have no idea. Nobody has said anything yet, so I thought I was just here for fun.”

“Yes,” he nodded with a sad smile, “unfortunately this hospital
is
known for its exceptionally uninformative nurses.”

“Ignorance, bliss, etcetera.” I closed my eyes for a second and took a breath. “Okay, Steinberg, I know I’ve been neglecting my health and this is probably bad and whatever, so just lay it all out there, please. Get it over with so I can go home.”

He cleared his throat, but the sound was empty and forced. “Home is no longer in the cards, Summer.”

I stared at him. “Wait – what? Why not?”

He sighed. “Summer, you are here because your toxicity levels were through the roof two nights ago, and your body shut itself down to prevent any further damage. You were almost in a coma-like state when you arrived here. You were already in bad shape because of malnutrition, but then the stress of the other night, with those problems with your boyfriend that Shelly mentioned-”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I said, the word
boyfriend
suddenly seeming so stupid and trite and useless after all this. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Well, okay then.
Whoever
he is. All the stress brought on by your
friend
made your body go haywire when it was already damaged, and it shut down as a preemptive measure. But you will not be so lucky next time.” He stepped forward a bit. “You know, it troubles me that you didn’t come see me earlier. You skipped two checkups last month to get weighed and get your blood tested, and even Shelly said you’ve seemed a little out of sorts lately, until you came home the other night white as a ghost and collapsed. What’s going on with you? This isn’t the Summer I know.”

I looked away. “I mean, yeah, I didn’t exactly feel great over the past month or two, but I’m used to not feeling great, ya know what I mean? I was just dealing with a lot, and I figured it was nothing, and I…I didn’t want to cause a fuss, to be honest. I should’ve said something when I noticed my weakness and the fact that I haven’t really been able to keep liquids down at all, but I didn’t want to make waves. My neck was sore, too, but it’s always sore. I’ll be totally forthright or whatever from now on, though, I promise.”

“I’m afraid you won’t have that luxury, Summer. You’re here until the surgery.”

“But
no
!” I said, sitting up straighter. “You promised I could have one last summer or whatever, and I met someone, and-”

“I’m sorry,” he interrupted. “There are no questions. I know I said I’d allow you some time to enjoy yourself, but we no longer have that time. One of the stipulations of performing this Hail Mary operation on you in the first place was that you stay healthy enough to actually survive it. If you leave and something goes wrong and you are not within reach of care, you will die.”

He looked out the window, his eyes wistful. “Sum, spending a summer on the beach is great and all, but you should’ve been paying attention to your body. And hell, I had a summer of love myself. It was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, actually. There’s nothing wrong with being young and in love – just remember to check your damn vitals sometimes.”

“Yeah, I love Ann,” I said, who was his wife.

“I’m not talking about Ann.”

“
What
?”

“Her name was Rachel,” he said as something in his eyes collapsed. “She was visiting her grandparents for the season down in Palm Valley. We met at some old bar that’s probably long gone now, and that was it. Falling in love with her was like being hit by a wave just after you’ve come up for air and your eyes are still closed. You’re minding your own business when a little splash hits your nose and you duck for cover, but you don’t move quickly enough – or maybe you don’t
want
to move quickly enough – and suddenly you’re being knocked off your feet by the weight of the world. She swamped me. I am so grateful I kept my eyes closed and let her hit me, though. I loved every second I spent drowning in that girl, let me tell you.”

“…So what happened after the crash?” I asked after a long, quiet moment.

“She went back to Virginia and never talked to me again.”

“Oh.”

He blinked three times, his smile wistful. “But it’s alright. I still have the memories. And other things. Don’t tell anyone I said this, but a summer like that can stay with you forever, kiddo. Even if it’s short.” He winked after that, and I didn’t understand why.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m certainly hoping so.”

But I knew the truth. My summer of sepia-toned love was over. I couldn’t broadcast the fake version of me to the world anymore. This was my reality: the jig was up, and my time of fooling Cooper into thinking I was someone worth loving was over.

Ugh. It was so unfair. All of it was. I’d been happy with Cooper, finally and truly happy. And not to mention confident. At last I could walk into a room without shrinking into a corner and sliding my bangs over my face; at last I was starting to like myself,
all
of myself, even the plastic parts I had to pump milk into. And now that I’d finally gotten to happy, life was just going to toss in a wrench like this and take it all away, and end it even sooner than it was going to end before? It didn’t make any sense. Nothing did. I was so angry. I wanted to be stoic and strong and graceful and all those other things that sick people were supposed to be, but the truth was that I was pissed.

Fuck. This was so unfair.
Life
was so unfair.

Steinberg went over some plans with me next, and when he finished, something caught my eye. I frowned.

“That’s all good, but can I ask you something personal?”

His face became more thoughtful. “Anything.”

“Okay. Well, you’re a smart, logical, professional, levelheaded person. Why do you wear that cross necklace?”

He smiled down at his cross, fingering it delicately as it glinted in the sunlight. “Ahh, so
that’s
where your thoughts have been all this time,” he laughed. “You think I’m too smart to believe in all this malarkey, right? You think there is too much misery and sickness and unfairness and Esophageal Intresia in this world for a God to possibly exist, and you think that if he
does
exist, he’s a mean old bully focusing bad fortune on you like a snot-nosed kid focusing sunlight on an ant pile with a magnifying glass, correct? You think I’m a right old idiot for wearing this and believing in this Mean, Bullying, Ant-Burning God of mine, don’t you?”

I gulped. “Well, I mean, in no uncertain terms, pretty much.”

His eyes sparkled with something between love and wonder and frustration. “Summer, child, there is still
so
much you don’t know about the place you live in. This world is anything but fair, and God knows you’ve dealt with things nobody should ever have to deal with. You’re sad and angry and overwhelmed and you have every right to be. But the universe has a way of settling the score and making people like you get the goodness they are owed. I promise. I know you don’t want to hear it now, but one day when you least expect it, the clouds will open up and what’s fair will fall into your lap. Eventually you will get the heaven you deserve – never stop fighting until then.”

“And what if I die before that day comes?” I asked, still trying to process everything.

“Then your life will still mean something. Someone out there will make sure of it. I promise.”

Something else came into his eyes, something playful. “And I know what you’re thinking: I wasn’t born with any health issues, besides this damned arthritis, at least. How would
I
know, right?”

I nodded.

“Well, you know my daughter Margo, right?”

“Yeah, she’s pretty cool. I saw you guys eating at TacoLu once and you came up and introduced her, remember?”

“I’m afraid I’m too old to remember that, but yes, that was probably my daughter. Anyway, Ann is not her mother.”

I felt like I’d fallen a few inches even though I hadn’t moved an atom. “But…but what? You mean…”

“Yes. My first love, Rachel, left Florida with more than just my heart in her hands. She was pregnant. That’s why she was spirited away from me – her family was Catholic, and, well…you know how that goes. But four years after she gave birth to Margo, she was hit by a drunk driver on the way to work, and social workers found my name in some old documents. I got every summer with her after that. She was the best gift I never asked for, and every time hug her, I can feel Rachel, and the sea, and that one eternal summer we spent down in Palm Valley, a summer that begat so many more eternal summers.” He smiled. “Miracles are everywhere, Summer. All you have to do is stay positive enough to notice them.”

Steinberg called in Shelly and Chase after that. Shelly was everything I expected and more: weepy, apologetic, more dramatic than a soap opera, etcetera. She was sure the hospitalization was her fault because she’d failed to see the signs, and yadda yadda yadda. It was nobody’s fault and she knew it. Then she called my father and put the phone to my ear, and I spent ten minutes listening to him halfheartedly apologize about how he hadn’t been able to make it up yet, but he would be here as soon as his wife recovered from the flu and was able to watch the kids by herself, and so on. I told him that I was fine, and to take his time. I felt absolutely full of guilt that I hadn’t told him the extent of things before, but I just didn’t want to disrupt his world any more than my stupid existence already had.

None of this was to mention how torn to pieces I was about Cooper. But that grief could wait.

“I am so sorry,” Shelly said after my dad hung up. She fell to my side again, and thankfully the nurses took Chase to a playroom to avoid the Shelly Show. I let her lay beside me and hold me, and as she cried into my gown, an orderly came in and waved around a paper with something written on it that I wished I hadn’t seen. It was our bill for the portion of my stay that my family’s insurance wouldn’t be paying, and it was for sixteen thousand dollars. My mother had been broke my entire life because of hospital stays and Instamilk, and she’d been fired from nearly all of her jobs for skipping work to stay with me whenever I was in the hospital or couldn’t get of bed. I couldn’t do this to her anymore, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Even as she touched me, I wanted to pull away. I could feel that there was some sort of disaster intrinsically tied to every single one of our interactions, and through her loving me, I was leading her down a path of certain doom. I was already feeling the instinct to push her away and protect her from myself – I already had been doing it for years, to be honest. And not just with her, but with everyone. I was a time bomb and I knew it.