The Swarm Trilogy (48 page)

I could give much and take nothing. It was easier for me to reach out than to allow anyone past the walls I’d erected.

Until now.

The tears formed in my eyes before I could even take the next breath. The grief I’d harbored since Bryden’s death turned into a waterfall. Soon, Chase’s hair was as wet as my shirt. He stirred and pulled back from my embrace.

He reached up, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. His eyes gazed into mine. The moonlight illuminated our chamber, washing us in an unearthly glow. I could see his face as clearly as I could during the day, except moonlit highlights glinted off of the tips of his hair. One of his hands found its way into my silver hair, his fingers tangling themselves between the curly twists.

He relaxed his body, pulling up to his full height. Where I’d been looking down at his tear-stained face, he was now looking down at mine. His head burrowed into the pillow as he tilted his chin down.

The fire in my stomach boiled, sending shockwaves of warmth coursing through my veins. I shuddered. Goosebumps marched down my arms, leaving a cold tingle in their wake.

I shifted in bed, inching closer to Chase until our lips were only a breath apart. He’d told me once he wouldn’t kiss me unless I asked him and he held true to his promise. He didn’t move at all, other than his chest touching mine and retracting as he breathed silently.

My fingers wound their way across his chest until I touched the top of his shoulder, strong and tense. I remembered how it felt to be with Bryden. Not just the love we’d felt together but the way my body responded when he touched me. I’d floated somewhere between the dead and the living for so long, I didn’t instinctively know where I belonged for so long. Riding Aphotica told me I wasn’t dead.

Now, in Chase’s arms, I wondered if he could bring me back to life. Could his loss of Elessia and my loss of Bryden be the thread that bound us together for good?

I wanted to say the words, but I was too afraid to break the magic of the moment. Lost in grief, found in each other’s arms, Chase and I sat perched on the edge of a cliff. I didn’t know what our future held. I didn’t even want to think past the moment as I let myself bridge the space between us.

My lips rested against his bottom lip. Salt from his tears invaded the cracks on my lips, but I didn’t flinch. I couldn’t bring myself to whisper the words to him. Saying ‘kiss me’ was too much of a commitment. I wanted him to respond, to prove I was still alive.

Chase’s hands left my hair and grabbed my forearms. I took a breath, waiting for his lips to crush into mine.

Instead he pushed me away.

“Not like this.” The hurt dripped from his eyes. Shame welled up in my chest, tamping down the fire. “I want you to come to me free of ties to anyone else. I want you to want me because you can’t live without me, not because we’re both lost in grief.”

“Chase…” I whispered it, but didn’t continue. I didn’t know what else to say. He was right. I was using him again. I’d done nothing but use him since the day I met him. He wanted something so simple from me, something I couldn’t give him until I learned to break down the brick walls I’d erected to protect myself.

His eyes swept my face. “You don’t have to say anything. I saw you this morning on Aphotica. You’re back, Lianne. You don’t need me to kiss you to prove it to yourself.”

My heart still ached; it still pounded out Bryden’s name with every beat. I didn’t want Chase, not the way I had wanted Bryden. But a small part of me, a part I couldn’t put a finger on, saw Chase in a new light. It didn’t recognize him as the man who had protected me. All it saw was a man of flesh and blood. A man who wanted me, but refused to take only a piece.

“I think you’re going to be okay.” His thumb was back, stroking my cheek. Our tears had dried. “We’ll find our way to each other. But not tonight.”

His arm snaked under my neck. He pulled me into his chest. We’d shared the same bed for months, but this was the first time we’d ever been so close. I fell asleep warm and safe in his arms.

Chapter Eleven

I rolled over, wanting to place my hand on Chase’s chest, for only a moment, to reassure myself he was still alive and breathing. I’d lost too much. I couldn’t lose him too.

My hand landed on rumpled sheets. Cold.

I lifted them and stuck my toes out into the chilly morning air. A shiver passed over me. I wasn't totally sure if it was due to the damp morning air or what had happened between Chase and I in the middle of the night.

I'd come so close to kissing him for the wrong reasons. He saw through it quicker than I had, even before I realized what I was doing. He knew me too well. If I'd convinced him to kiss me, it would have been a huge mistake - one that would have altered our relationship forever.

I slipped out of bed and headed toward the table with the water basin. My throat screamed for water. There was too much crying and too little sleep last night. Next to the pitcher sat a folded note.

I picked it up and slid my fingers between the two halves. It opened easily. I recognized the artist of the portrait. Chase's artwork was unmistakable, and again he had captured my emotions perfectly. Our lips were barely touching, his hand on my cheek, but it was our eyes that told the truth. It wasn't an anticipated kiss between two lovers. His eyes were on me, but mine were downcast, as if the floor held more appeal than Chase.

It was the neat script below that hurt most:

Dear Lianne,

You may not believe it after reading this, but I’m thrilled you’ve made a breakthrough and rejoined the company of the living instead of dead. Bryden will never be forgotten, nor will Elessia. They will live on in our hearts so long as they beat.

I feel it’s best for me to move to another set of chambers. You’ll be able to find me if you want me.

Aphotica is yours. Ride her as often as you wish, but be careful, please. I’ve seen how fast you both like to go. Don’t break your neck or hers.

Chase

So he left me. The moment I opened myself to the possibility that I maybe life was worth living, he moved out. I crumpled the note in my palm, remembering how I’d felt the night Bryden had left me a similar note. I was supposed to join him, but had chosen to stay with Kellan, my first love, in an effort to protect my best friend Mags and her sons.

I wanted to hate Chase, to lash out at him somehow, but I’d grown weary of the childish and manipulative games. Bryden’s death had turned me into a woman, teaching me that sometimes the world took away everything we loved and left us to move on alone. Except I wasn’t alone. I’d had Chase. He stayed with me every night and every day until he knew I could stand on my own two feet.

I couldn’t hold it against him. He realized I’d regained some clarity on life and left me to run it myself. It wasn’t a punishment. It was a gift. One I wouldn’t put aside. Chase would still be there for me if I wanted him. Maybe it was time for me to stand on my own again.

A smile bloomed on my face. It felt strange, like the muscles weren’t used to that kind of expression. Perhaps they were still tired from all the smiling I did while riding Aphotica the day before. It was something that had come so easily to me in the past. I felt like I needed to retrain myself how to experience this simple expression of happiness.

I pulled my nighttime chemise over my head. My silver hair cascaded down my back. I reached for the leather clothes I wore yesterday and left on the floor all night. I buried my nose in the shirt and inhaled the scent of Aphotica. I’d never been attracted to animals, but she was special. There was something about her that forced me to open my eyes and see the world around me. Without her, I might have let it all slip away. Without her, I might not have been willing to comfort Chase last night.

My mind made up, I slipped the clothes back on, followed by the riding boots. Chase’s note said I should ride Aphotica. I intended to do just that.

When I entered the barn, I looked around for the stable master or his daughter. Neither seemed to be around, but Aphotica was already saddled and ready to go. A note, held by nail, hung from the stable doors.

A drawing of me on Aphotica, courtesy of Chase. I didn’t know if he’d had a vision or if he drew it just for me. I folded the heavy parchment up carefully and placed it in the bag that hung at my side. It fit in neatly next to the dagger. I noticed Lightning wasn’t in his stable either. He and Chase must have had a similar idea.

My heart pounded, anticipating the wind blowing my hair as Aphotica trampled through the grove. I wanted, no, needed, that thrill. Chase was right. I was alive again. Time to remind myself exactly what it felt like to experience an adrenaline rush.

I unlatched the stable door and lead Aphotica outside. I peeked around the corner of the barn, expecting to see the little girl staring at me, but the space was empty. The grass swayed in the light breeze. Not wanting to waste one more moment, I mounted Aphotica.

It was far easier than the day before, but I felt the pull in my thigh muscles, reminding me I wasn’t used to this type of workout. Martial arts made me flexible and strong. It also increased the speed of my reflexes. It didn’t prepare me for the ache in my legs when they were wrapped around Aphotica’s barrel.

I nudged her lightly. Instead of starting at a canter, like Chase had told me to, Aphotica shot off. Her hooves pounded into the ground, pushing us harder and faster with each step. I wished I could read her mind. I wanted to know what she was running away from. It was as if she knew I needed to escape the world and the only way to do it was to lose myself in her driving pace.

With each breath, Aphotica raced harder and faster, until I couldn’t stand to keep my back straight. I leaned down into her mane, burying my face in her silky black hair. I closed my eyes, trusting her not to run us off a cliff. Hopefully this wasn’t Aphotica’s first time venturing out this far.

Branches hit the back of my head, scraping the leather on my back. I didn’t flinch, and was glad I’d thought to put on gloves before leaving the stable, otherwise my hands would be covered in bloody stripes. Despite the unconventional route, I trusted her not to lead me someplace unsafe. The crack of branches and leaves under her hooves told me we weren’t on a cleared path.

I matched my breathing to hers, hard and labored, but very much exhilarated. I placed my trust in her – an animal I met yesterday. The irony didn’t escape me. I’d spent years pushing everyone away. Then a horse is nice to me and I give over my fragile neck to its whims. If I’d been in a position to shrug, I would have. Unfortunately my muscles were taut as I clung to her neck.

The slap of the branches faltered. I opened my eyes and turned my head. The forest was slipping away, giving way to breaks of sunlight through the trees. I sat up straighter, holding the reins lightly in my palms as Aphotica slowed her frantic pace.

A tiny village sprang up at the other end of the clearing. Wooden houses, big enough to hold multiple families, dotted the clearing. Aphotica stopped abruptly, nearly sending me over her head. I squeezed my aching thighs tighter, holding myself in the saddle.

“Where did you bring me?” I whispered in Aphotica’s ear. Her reply was a loud whinny and a shake of her mane. I almost expected her to answer me, but I supposed my magic didn’t allow that. I wondered if anyone’s did.

I slid off her back, standing with shaky legs. I didn’t know if I’d ever get used to that feeling after dismount, when I was reminded that I had to use my own legs to walk instead of relying on Aphotica’s power to propel me anywhere I wanted to go.

I shielded my eyes from the bright sun with my hand, gazing out toward the cottages. I didn’t want to just walk into their space. It wasn’t big enough to be a town, with only ten buildings. There were no signs on the outside, indicating if they were public buildings or homes. Even stranger, I didn’t see any stables or obvious points of entry from the forest.

It was possible they wanted to stay hidden and my horse had brought me right into the heart of their secret. I put my hand up on Aphotica’s back, readying myself to mount her and head into the forest, until a woman stepped out of the cottage closest to me.

It was my mother.

Chapter Twelve

A smile lit up my mother’s face. It took everything in me not to run her down and beat her. Johna said my mother couldn’t remember anything she’d done before. I wasn’t exactly sure what they did to her, but the fire building in my stomach couldn’t believe it. She was pure evil. Could a person like that really change?

“Can I help you?” The smile only grew on her face. “We weren’t expecting another delivery for a week.” She glanced at Aphotica and back at me again.

I stood my ground, staring at her as she walked closer. Her hands outstretched in front of her, palms to the sky, as if she was praying while she walked. I’d seen members of the religious caste walk that way through the castle. Chase explained to me that they were offering themselves as supplicants to Eloh. I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just offer themselves once. Continuing to do it day after day didn’t make sense to me. Wasn’t their goddess satisfied with only one offering?