The Sweet Gum Tree (12 page)

It had been a nice day, one more day I’d managed to get through without collapsing. And if I’d had to shove aside the memory of a necklace with a broken heart dangling from the end when Hugh gave me my gift, I managed that, too.

It was late when he took me home, and colder than usual for this time of year. This far south we rarely had a white Christmas, but the taste of snow drifted on the air.

65

Katherine Allred

Hugh put his arm around me as he walked me to the door, then kissed me, a long, slow kiss that left me totally unmoved. When it was over he lifted a hand to my cheek.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, Alix.”

“Goodnight.” I stood with my hand on the door, watching as he pulled out of the drive, his taillights flaring red in the steam from the car’s exhaust as he slowed for a curve. Not until he was out of sight did I glance at the silent figure hidden by the deep shadows of a corner porch post.

“What do you want, Nick?”

He shifted restlessly before he spoke. “Do you love him?” His voice sounded raw, as if he hadn’t used it in a long time.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business.”

I wasn’t expecting him to move so fast, or to grab me so desperately. “It is my business, damn it, and you know it! For God’s sake, Alix, scream at me, cuss me out, take a swing at me, but don’t ignore me anymore.”

“Ignore you?” I tilted my head and studied him. “Let me see. The last time I saw you, you were practically making love to Lindsey in broad daylight, right out in public.

No, I’m pretty sure I didn’t ignore you.”

“It wasn’t what it looked like, I swear.”

“Right. That’s why you tried so hard to find me and explain what you were really doing.” His hands gripped my arms, fingers flexing in an unconscious rhythm.

“Would you have believed me?”

“No, and I don’t believe you now.”

“Have I ever lied to you before?”

“For all I know, everything you’ve ever told me was a lie.” I tried to pull away from him, but he hung on tighter.

“It wasn’t a lie.”

“Why did you wait until now if it weren’t true?” At least he had the grace to look down. “I didn’t plan on talking to you tonight, but I had to make sure you were all right. God, Alix, I’ve been going crazy. I know you don’t love him, no matter what you say, but everyone’s talking about how you’re going to marry him after you graduate. Please, hate me if you have to, never speak to me again, but don’t settle for someone you don’t love because I hurt you.” The pain on his face was etched starkly in the moonlight, and I couldn’t help myself. God help me, I started to doubt what I’d seen with my own eyes and something inside me that had been frozen began to melt.

“Why were you with her like that, Nick?”

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He took a deep, shaky breath. “She’s been having some problems. I’ve been helping her. That’s all it is.”

“What kind of problems?”

“Personal ones.” He hesitated. “I can’t tell you what they are, Alix, any more than I’d talk about what you tell me to her.” He released me and stepped back. “I shouldn’t have come. I can’t expect you to believe me when it’s something I can’t explain.”

“Wait.” I followed him to the steps. “I asked you once if you’d ever made love to anyone before. You said no. Can you still tell me that, Nick?” He turned, his lower position on the stairs putting us at eye level. “Yes.” I searched his face for any sign that he was telling me the truth, and I thought I saw it. I wanted to see it because it hurt too much to keep believing he had betrayed me.

When I closed the distance between us, all the pain and anger I’d been bottling up inside flooded into the kiss I gave him. All the long months of wanting him and thinking I’d never have him again. All the love I’d tried so hard to kill without a shred of success.

And we both went up in flames.

His arms fastened around me convulsively and his voice held a frantic note when he moaned my name.

“Your room,” I whispered.

Neither of us was quite sane as his mouth came down on mine again, and I was barely aware that he’d lifted me into his arms and was moving around the house toward the barn. He must have been in there earlier because the electric stove was still on, the room warm and comfortable. In its glow, Nick put me on the narrow bed and followed me down, his body covering mine, and for the first time in three long months, I felt alive again.

Our movements were rapid and jerky as we rid ourselves of the hindering barriers presented by our clothes, punctuated by more kisses and desperate caresses. But when we were finally bare, our movements slowed. Now that the moment was here, we wanted to take our time and savor it.

Nick’s eyes turned to molten lead when he leaned on an elbow and gazed down at me. “So beautiful,” he whispered. “So damn beautiful.” He ran a hand softly down my body and I arched under his touch like a cat. “Please, don’t be afraid.”

“I’m not,” I said, realizing it was true. I’d been doing some looking of my own and was mildly surprised at his size and a bit curious to see if his erection felt as hard as it appeared, but I wasn’t afraid.

Ours was a voyage of sweet discovery that night, and we spent endless hours exploring all the secret, foreign places we’d longed to visit. And we taught each other what pleased us, hands guiding hands, then returning to tease the last place they’d found. By the time Nick’s weight pressed me into the bed we were mindless with shared pleasure. He entered me with one hard lunge and then froze, his lips raining 67

Katherine Allred

kisses of apology over my face. But the pain, while sharp, wasn’t as bad as I’d thought it would be, gone before I had more than registered it, and then forgotten when he began to move again. Immediately an indefinable something began to build inside me and I clutched Nick tightly, surging toward a goal I’d never known existed. When I reached it, I cried out, shattering into a million splinters of light. Nick’s groan of pleasure sounded hard on the heels of my own, his body going stiff as he found release.

For a few minutes neither of us moved while our breathing returned to normal. I felt drugged, my entire body heavy with a delicious lassitude I didn’t want to end. But suddenly Nick began to shake. Tremor after tremor rippled over him. Alarmed, I shifted, trying to see what was happening, but he rolled to the side and clutched me tightly, his face buried in my hair.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice harsh and full of pain. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen, to hurt you this way.”

“Stop it,” I ordered softly, my fingers moving through his hair. “You didn’t hurt me. What happened tonight happened because I wanted it every bit as much as you did. It was beautiful, Nick. Don’t turn it into something ugly. You aren’t your father.

You could never do the things he does.”

“But I don’t have anything to offer you. I don’t even have my own place to live.”

“Someday you will. And for now, I’ve got you. That’s all that matters to me.”

“I thought I’d lost you,” he murmured. “I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I felt hollow, like part of me had been ripped out.” His shaking finally eased to periodic spasms. “I swear, Alix, someday I’ll make you proud to be seen with me.”

“I already am. And I’m tired of hiding. I’m going to tell Hugh that I can’t see him anymore, that I love you.”

It was so long before he answered that I wondered if he’d fallen asleep. Abruptly, he sat up on the edge of the bed. Elbows on his knees, he rubbed his face with both hands. “You can’t.”

“Why not?” I was confused and a little hurt by his refusal.

He dropped his hands and turned to look at me, his gaze running over my face as though he wanted to memorize every detail. “Because the mess with Lindsey isn’t over yet, and until it is…”

“Until it is, you don’t want anyone to know about us.”

“Yes. I have an idea but she’s fighting it, and I don’t know how long it will take to convince her.”

“I don’t understand why this is your problem, Nick.” His expression turned grim. “Believe me, it is. I know it’s asking a lot, and if you don’t think you can handle it, I’ll try to understand. But I don’t have any choice in this, Alix.” He took a deep breath. “It’s important that people…think I’m seeing Lindsey.”

“You want me to keep dating Hugh.” It wasn’t a question. I knew that’s what he was getting at in his round-about way.

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“Yes.”

“That’s not fair, Nick. Not to us or Hugh.”

“God, don’t you think I know that? It’s why I tried so hard to stay away from you.”

“What about us?”

His hand moved to my cheek, traced it gently. “I can’t give you up again. It would kill me.”

Because I loved him so much, I had to trust him. “How long will it take?”

“I wish I knew, but I can’t give you a time frame. It could be a week, or it could be months. Can you live with that?”

I caught his hand and pressed it more tightly to my cheek. “I’ll have to, because I can’t give you up either. We’ll work it out somehow.”

“I don’t know I got lucky enough to have someone like you,” he whispered. “But I’m so glad I did.”

We made love again after that, then fell asleep in each other’s arms. Nick woke me before daylight so I could slip up to my bed unnoticed, but I almost didn’t make it. We couldn’t seem to let go of each other after our night together and ended up making love yet again.

When we were both dressed, he shut off the heater and walked me to the door, lingering for a long, tender kiss as the first pale echo of light tinged the horizon. I had just settled into my bed when I heard Aunt Darla, always an early riser, make her way to the bathroom. With a sigh of relief at the near miss, I snuggled down and went to sleep, dreaming about the next time I’d be alone with Nick.

In retrospect, I’m amazed no one noticed the change in me. I started laughing again, and I stayed in a rosy fog of happiness that made me absent-minded and forgetful. On the nights I had a date with Hugh, I’d come home to find Nick waiting, leaning against the side of the house in the shadows. Together we’d walk to his room, so eager to be alone again that we’d barely make it through the door before we were tugging each other’s clothes off.

On the nights I didn’t have a date, I’d wait impatiently by my window, watching for the light to come on in his room. He never showed up before midnight, and I never asked him what he’d been doing. I just accepted that he was here now, more than likely lying on the bed naked and ready for me. The thought of his glorious body, so strong and well muscled, was enough to have me sneaking down the stairs, running through the darkness to be with him, excitement making my heart race. Every time, he’d smile at me and hold out his arms.

“What took you so long?” he’d ask.

We were like two children who had discovered a new and exotic toy. One second we’d be serious and intent, the next, laughing and giggling helplessly. And we loved each other. God, how we loved each other. There were times when we’d do nothing but kiss for hours on end, wallowing in our feelings.

69

Katherine Allred

There were only a few flies in the ointment during those wonderful months. One was Hugh. While I’d never love him the way I did Nick, I had come to care about him a great deal. I didn’t want to hurt him and I felt guilty for using him.

The other was Lindsey. I hated seeing her with Nick. It didn’t happen often, but it did happen. The first time was on a Friday evening. Hugh had picked me up for our regular date, but that particular night he stopped at Hawkins for gas on our way to the movies.

Nick was still there, and Mr. Viders, our school principal, was in the office, waiting on him to finish changing the oil in his car. And while Nick worked, Lindsey sat on a stack of tires behind him, her gaze locked on his every movement. Her little brother was on her lap, as silent as she was.

“Want a soda?”

I jerked my attention back to Hugh and smiled. “Sure.” We climbed out of the car as Nick headed in our direction, but I stopped. The gas cap was on my side and I was hoping to get a moment alone with Nick.

“Hey, Nick.” Hugh greeted him as they met. “How’s it going?”

“Fine. Fill it up?”

“Please.” Hugh went into the office and I could see him talking to Mr. Viders.

My gaze went back to Lindsey. She was still watching Nick as though her life depended on keeping him in sight. And it hurt. As much as I tried to fight it, it hurt.

The rattle of the gas nozzle drew me, and I glanced around. He was standing as close to me as possible without making it too obvious.

“Don’t look like that,” he begged, his voice low.

“It’s hard seeing you with her, Nick.”

“I know.” Beneath the window where no one could see, his fingers curled around mine and squeezed. “Every time he kisses you goodnight I want to strangle him.” We shared a long look full of sympathy and understanding. “Are you coming over tonight?” I finally asked.

“Yes.”

“Okay.” I slipped my hand from his when the bell over the office door rang.

Hugh gave me an odd look as he paid Nick for the gas, and I braced myself for questions. But he didn’t ask any, merely handed me my soda and opened the car door for me before climbing in on the driver’s side.

Later that night, after Nick and I made love, I broached the subject of Lindsey again.

Nick looked so tired that it suddenly hit me how little sleep he must be getting. He worked all day, then spent the evenings with Lindsey until he came to me after midnight. He didn’t show up every night, but he was there enough to make me worry about him. On those nights he was lucky to get a few hours sleep.

“How much longer is this going to last?” I asked.

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“I don’t know.” His fingers traced an absentminded path down my arm.

“Sometimes I think I’m making progress, then she’ll just clam up and refuse to talk about it. I feel like I’m beating my head against a brick wall. And…the situation…seems to be getting worse. It’s reached the point where I’m afraid to leave her alone for a single minute.”