The Tapping Solution for Weight Loss & Body Confidence (8 page)

Below the surface, however, we never do accept our weight. We cannot. We think about our weight constantly but we can’t face the disappointment and pain behind it—not again. It’s too overwhelming, too deep. It would break us. Instead, we wear defeat like a mask, a disguise to cover the shame and self-blame we stuff ourselves with. Beneath the surface, we’re just as panicked about our weight as when we are in fight mode. In fact, in the defeat pattern of panic, we may feel more desperate and anxious than ever.

Why We Panic

When we’re panicked about weight, whether we’re having a fight or defeat reaction, we feel sure that losing all the weight will fix everything. In panic mode, even when we appear to have given up, nothing seems as important to us as losing the weight. If we could only lose the weight, we tell ourselves, everything would be different, our lives would be different,
we
would be different.

Our panic begins to feel more powerful than we are, so we buy into the idea mass media and mass culture sell us every day—that thin equals happy and carefree. If or when I lose the weight, we each tell ourselves, my relationships will improve, my career will take off, my house will finally be neat and clean. When we lose the weight, life will just
work
. The possibility that life could just work at our current weight doesn’t compute.

To anyone who hasn’t gone through this pattern of panic around weight loss, the experience may sound insane. In many ways it is. When we’re in it, however, nothing feels more legitimate. We’re under a dangerous spell but we can’t yet see that, so off we go to buy another diet book or try the newest way to exercise; or off we go on another downward spiral, diving into another box of treats because there is no more hope that we can lose the weight.

On some level, of course, we know that panic isn’t delivering the long-term weight loss we want, but time and time again we return to it. Why is that? What’s our panic really about?

The panic comes because we want to avoid and deny what we don’t want to talk about—that our struggle with weight isn’t actually about the weight. When we panic about losing weight, what we’re dying for is to be ourselves.
We want to feel like we are okay just as we are. We panic because it’s all consuming, because it allows us to ignore something that feels too painful to admit: that we don’t actually believe that we are enough; that we’ve gotten very comfortable with denying our own worth. But our weight, of course, isn’t the sum total of our worth. It is, however, a crutch. We tell ourselves that once we “fix” ourselves by losing the weight, we will finally be worthy of happiness, love, success—anything and everything that seems to be missing in our lives.

Over and over again, we’re seduced by this idea that our panic may someday bring us sustainable weight loss and, therefore, happiness. The truth is, however, that we can be happy at any weight if we value ourselves.

Breaking the Pattern of Panic

Like many of my clients, you may be terrified to stop panicking because you equate not panicking with accepting that you’ll never lose weight. But you also know that panic isn’t the answer. If panic worked, you’d have lost the weight for good. If panic helped, you wouldn’t be reading this book.

It’s time to stop the pattern of panic once and for all. It’s time to admit that your weight loss isn’t about your weight. The fact is that until you lower your stress and clear your emotional residue and negative beliefs, sustainable weight loss will seem out of your reach. You will hear me say this often, but here’s the truth: long-term weight loss and body confidence is an inside job.

For Analisa, that journey began with tapping around her panic about her friend’s visit. After calming her panic, she realized that her fears were unfounded. She was vastly underestimating both her friend and the friendship she and this person had. She had always been good at picking friends, and this person would never judge her so harshly for her weight. In fact, she realized that she was projecting onto her friend how cruel she often was to herself.

When they did finally meet, she was able to be present with her friend and really bond with her. Throughout their time together, she laughed and had a truly great time. That was a big shift compared to the previous time she had seen old friends and felt emotionally guarded and uncomfortable in her body. During this visit, Analisa could clearly see that her weight didn’t have to interfere with her reunion. Her friend wanted to catch up with Analisa, not Analisa-at-a-certain-weight. It makes you think:
How often have I robbed myself of an incredible experience because of my own internal fears and judgments around my body?

Analisa’s story is just one example of the ways in which the pattern of panic prevents us from looking at how we may be projecting our poor self-image onto others and denying the underlying issues that prevent us from experiencing sustainable weight loss. It’s time to end the pattern of panic. But before we do tapping to begin quieting the panic, we need to address the two most common triggers of weight loss panic—the mirror and the scale.

Panic Trigger #1: The Mirror

Cindy walked into her closet with little time to spare before party guests would begin arriving. The Fourth of July party she and her husband hosted each year was about to begin, and she only had a few minutes to change. As she looked in her closet, she reminded herself that her husband’s entire family would once again be coming. They’d seen her gain and lose weight several times during their ten-year marriage, and each year she felt ashamed that they had witnessed the outward results of this very private struggle.

Before last year’s party, in fact, she had locked herself in her room, showered, and tried on dozens of outfits, only to end up sobbing on the floor of her closet. All she could think of was that people would look at her and think she was fat. She felt panicked and depressed, unsure whether she could face her own family and friends.

This year, however, Cindy had come prepared. She had bought a beautiful new dress just for the occasion. She quickly put it on and turned toward the mirror. She immediately began inspecting every angle of her reflection, telling herself once again that she looked fat and that everyone would notice and talk about how fat she was.

Because Cindy had just begun my class, things were different this year. She paused long enough to notice her critical thoughts about herself. With only a few minutes to spare, she did some tapping. While looking at herself in the mirror and tapping, she then did something she rarely does. She looked at herself and said out loud, “You look beautiful.”

Smiling and feeling relaxed, she opened the door to her room and went to join the party. Throughout the day, and for the first time ever, Cindy didn’t think about whether she looked fat. She didn’t obsess about food. Instead she enjoyed feeling peaceful and calm. Throughout the day, people showered her with compliments, telling her how pretty she looked. What surprised her more was how pretty she
felt.

What’s so inspiring to me about Cindy’s story is that she was able to change her entire day just by noticing her negative thoughts and self-talk. She could then tap and accept a positive belief instead—that she looked beautiful. Rather than spending the entire party thinking about her looks, she radiated beauty, and of course, everyone noticed! She also shared that she was surprised to find she was feeling so good and having so much fun that she didn’t feel her usual stress around food at parties. The panic of “should I or shouldn’t I eat this” disappeared, and she found herself enjoying healthier options.

So many of my clients have experienced powerful shifts in their emotional state and self-perception while tapping in front of the mirror. Often at first, it’s scary facing your reflection while tapping. The mirror has become your nemesis, the enemy that exposes your most humiliating flaws. Faced with your own reflection, you examine your every inch, top to bottom, front to back, side to side. Frantically but methodically, you point out every last lump and bump. You give yourself no mercy and think and say things you would never say to those you love.

I have worked with women who wake up, run to the mirror, and begin measuring themselves up and down to decide whether they’ll have a good day. I’ve also worked with women who shower in the dark to avoid the mirror, knowing it will instantaneously dampen their mood. We give the mirror, a piece of glass, the power to dictate our happiness, not because we’re vain but because we haven’t invested in our relationship with ourselves or the body we currently have. What we see in the mirror is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves, and all too often that relationship is suffering from years of neglect.

Let’s take a closer look at how you’re treating that woman in the mirror. As you inspect every inch of your reflection, you may find that you shower yourself with deeply hurtful words that would make you outraged if you heard them said to anyone else. You know that the people you love can’t thrive under constant scrutiny, yet you may discover that you punish yourself in this way endlessly. The first step in beginning to repair your relationship with yourself is awareness.

WHAT’S YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MIRROR?

Take a moment now to ask yourself these questions:

• What is my relationship to the mirror?
  
• Do I avoid it?
  
• Do I spend a long time in front of it critiquing myself?
  

Notice what you say to yourself when you’re faced with your own reflection and write those words down.

Whatever your answers, when you approach the mirror you will find what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for flaws you will find them. If you’re looking for things to appreciate, you’ll find those. You may think that you need the critique and that by being hard on yourself, you will be shielded from other people’s judgments about you. In fact, as we saw with Cindy, when you appreciate yourself and your own beauty, you radiate that beauty to everyone around you.

As you look at yourself, notice any critical self-talk or emotions that surface. If an emotion comes up, measure it on a scale of 0 to 10 and write it down. The key here is to give that emotion or critical self-talk a voice as you tap. The tapping script below may serve as a guide to get you started. Do a few rounds of tapping and check in to see how you feel. You may find that the intensity increases when you begin tapping; this may simply be because this is the first time you’ve given a voice to these words you say to yourself on a regular basis. This is a sign that you’ve hit the nail on the head, so keep tapping!

Karate Chop:
Even though I feel panic as I harshly judge the image in the mirror, I love and accept myself.
(Repeat this three times.)
Eyebrow:
Noticing everything I don’t like …

Side of Eye:
I’m standing in front of my harshest critic.

Under Eye:
There is no way to feel happy with this image.

Under Nose:
How did I let myself get like this?

Chin:
All these emotions I face in front of the mirror …

Collarbone:
I allow myself to give them a voice.

Under Arm:
This feeling of panic …

Top of Head:
Rejecting the person in the mirror.

The key is to give a conscious voice to the words you would say to your reflection in the mirror as you do the tapping. When you feel like you can say those words without feeling like they are completely true, move on to the positive. This is all part of the same tapping sequence, so there’s no need for another Karate Chop setup statement.

Eyebrow:
I have been so hard on you.

Side of Eye:
You deserve more than this.

Under Eye:
You don’t need to do anything to deserve love.

Under Nose:
I love you now.

Chin:
I choose to appreciate you for all you do.

Collarbone:
I choose to speak kindly to you.

Under Arm:
I love you, body.

Top of Head:
I promise to take steps to express all the love you deserve.

Take a deep breath and check in with how you feel. Measure the intensity again and continue tapping until you experience relief.
For an extended tapping script on this topic, go to
www.TheTappingSolution.com/chapter3
.

Panic Trigger #2: The Scale

During the first session of my online weight loss class, I tell my students that they can weigh themselves once at the start of the class if they want to, and then they should put the scale away. Without fail, in session after session, women continue to obsess about the number they saw on the scale that morning. They report their results like you would confess your sins to a priest, subtly shaming themselves for not meeting their expectations.

Over and over again throughout the class, women talk about how their clothes feel looser and how they physically feel lighter. Just when I’m about to congratulate them, they share how depressed they feel because when they stepped on the scale this morning, their weight didn’t reflect the big shift they feel. Maybe they gained a pound, stayed the same, or only lost a few pounds. They see the number and feel disappointed. Ugh. How did the scale become our private addiction?

To give us some perspective on how the scale became such an important way to measure our bodies, it’s interesting to look at the history of the scale itself. The first one arrived in the United States from Germany in 1885. It wasn’t until the 1920s and 1930s, however, that the scale was introduced to the general public. Massive machines weighing in at 200 pounds each, scales began to appear on street corners and in department stores, movie theaters, and public restrooms. They soon became a highly lucrative business, costing consumers a penny per weigh and producing millions in profit per year, even during the Great Depression of the 1930s.