The Teacher from Heck (3 page)

It didn't take long to find out what Nyce House had planned.

After lunch I took a walk across the Great Lawn. Your school probably doesn't have a Great Lawn. It's a big green space with trees and a pond—like a small park in the middle of the campus.

I held my breath as I walked past smelly Pooper's Pond. (No one knows how it got that name.)

I turned and saw Sherman Oaks. He was scurrying across the grass with a large, gray tank bouncing on his back.

I jogged over to him. The thing on his back looked like a giant vacuum cleaner. He was groaning and moaning. It must have been heavy.

“Yo, Sherman!” I called. “What's up with the vacuum cleaner? Are you going to vacuum your money?”

He flashed me his shiny, sixty-five-toothed grin. I had to shield my eyes. Sherman is so rich, he has a guy come to his room to brighten his teeth once a week.

“You might as well surrender, Bernie,” he said. “You and your Rotten House buddies have already lost the Water War.” He snickered. “Hee-hee-hee.”

I hate dudes who snicker—don't you?

“Sherman, have you been out in the sun too long?” I said. “Something has burned out your brain. There's
no way
you can win!”

“Hee-hee-hee.” More snickering. “Bernie, see this thing on my back?”

“Very ugly,” I said. “You should see a doctor and have it removed before it grows even bigger.”

“I love it when you try to be funny,” Sherman said, curling his lip in a sneer. “It's so cute.
Lame,
but cute.”

“So what's up with the vacuum cleaner?” I asked.

“Actually, it's a twelve-gallon water tank,” Sherman said. “It hooks up to this new Power Blaster my parents sent me.”

He flashed me that blinding smile again. “My parents send me anything I ask for. They know I'm a spoiled brat. But they want me to be a
happy
spoiled brat!”

I tapped the water tank with a fist. It was full.

“I hook the tank up to the
Devastator
,” Sherman said. He pulled out a red-and-blue water blaster. It looked like the nozzle at a gas station pump.

“The
Devastator
is more powerful than a fire hose. And it has a long-range viewfinder. So it can blast a kid up to a mile away.” He pointed it at me and pretended to shoot it.

I gulped. “A mile?”

Sherman nodded. “Are you ready to surrender, Bernie? You'd better. If I blast you with the
Devastator
, it will change your whole bone structure. And you'll be about a foot shorter.”

I tapped the water tank again. “You're not trying to scare me—
are
you, Sherman?”

He snickered. “Hee-hee-hee.” It was an evil snicker.

I scratched my head. I pretended to be confused. “I don't get it,” I said. “You hook up that thing to the tank, and it squirts? How does it work?”

“It's totally simple, dude,” Sherman said. “Even
you
could work it. I'll show you.”

He always likes to show off his new toys. Makes him feel like a big man. I scratched my head some more, pretending I didn't get it.

“Do you push this button here?” I asked.

“Not yet,” Sherman said. “Here, Bernie. Try it on. I'll show you.”

With a groan, he hoisted the heavy tank off his back. I helped him strap it onto my back. Then I watched him hook up the big, red-and-blue nozzle.

“Is this the shooter?” I asked. “Is this the part that blasts the water?”

It isn't easy for a genius like me to play dumb. But I can do it when I need to.

“Relax, dude,” Sherman said. “It's simple. You just hold the nozzle and press this button.”

I bit my lip. “I don't know. I don't think I can work it.”

“Yes, you can,” Sherman said. “Even a baby could
do it. You just push right here.”

“Really?” I said. I aimed the nozzle at Sherman's chest.

“No!
Wait
!” Sherman cried.

I pushed the button.

The blast of water was so powerful, it knocked me onto my back. Over the deafening roar, I could hear Sherman's screams of agony.

I sat up and took my finger off the button.

I blinked. Once. Twice.

Was I seeing what I was
seeing
?

Yes.

Sherman stood in front of me, dripping wet—
and totally naked!

The water blast blew all his clothes off!

The only things he was wearing were his
shoes
!

“Pretty good,” I said. I handed him back his water blaster. “Not bad. It could use a little more power, though.”

Sherman let out a weak gurgle.

I saw April-May June and a bunch of girls crossing the lawn. They stopped and pointed at Sherman. The girls uttered squeals of surprise. Then they started laughing their heads off.

Sherman gurgled again. He shook a fist at me. “You're toast, Bernie,” he said. “Totally toast.”

He glanced at the laughing girls. Then he ran off, trying to cover his butt as he ran.

The rumor is true!
I saw. I clapped my hands to my face. Sherman really
did
have dollar signs tattooed on his butt!

As I watched the naked dude run, I knew he would try to get even with me.

Sure enough, he struck at lunch the next day….

Sherman struck without warning.

My buddies Feenman, Crench, and I were having a quiet lunch in the Dining Hall. I was lapping up a big bowl of spaghetti. And I was showing my friends some really funny things you can do with meatballs.

I saw April-May June get up from her seat at the girls' table. She came walking toward me.

My tongue fell out of my mouth. I started to pant. April-May is my girlfriend. She's nuts about me. Only she doesn't know it yet. She doesn't have a clue.

I flashed her my best smile. “Yo, April-May,” I said. “Whussup?”

She gave me a nice greeting. “No way, Bernie,” she said.

“But I haven't
said
anything yet!” I replied.

“No way, Bernie,” she said.

“Can I ask you a question?” I said.

She tossed back her blond hair. “No way, Bernie.”

“I heard you all baked peanut-butter pies in
Cooking class,” I said. I started to drool. I love peanut-butter pie. Some nights I dream about it.

“Wipe your chin, Bernie,” April-May said.
The nicest thing she ever said to me.
She DOES care!

I wiped the drool off my chin with both hands.

“Do you think you could sneak out one of those pies for me?” I asked. “As a special favor?”

She sneered. “Bernie,” she said, “I'd rather stick my fingers up my nose for a whole day.”

“Does that mean you'll do it?” I asked.

April-May didn't have a chance to answer.

That's when Sherman burst into the Dining Hall. He raised a huge, new weapon. It looked like a giant slingshot. An
enormous, blue balloon bounced on top of it.

“Stand back, everyone!” Sherman boomed. “It's gonna BLOW!”

“Hey, Sherman—looking good, dude! You're wearing your
pants
today!” Crench shouted.

Kids hooted with laughter.

You can't expect to stand totally naked on the Great Lawn and not get major laughs and hoots.

But the laughing stopped when Sherman raised the big slingshot.

“Stand back, everyone!” he shouted again. “This is no joke. It's rocket-powered!”

“Your
butt
is rocket-powered!” Feenman shouted. “Thanks for showing it to us yesterday!”

This time kids didn't laugh. A hush fell over the room. Everyone was staring at Sherman's rocket-powered slingshot.

“It's a water-balloon launcher,” Sherman said. He struggled to hold it up in both hands. “My parents sent it to me because they want to buy my love. It cost two thousand dollars. It's rocket-powered. It uses NASA technology. And it can send a water balloon into
space
!”

A few kids gasped.

“Sherman, why don't you go up into space and try it out?” Feenman shouted. “You could be the first naked astronaut!”

“I'm gonna try it out right here!” Sherman shouted.

He raised the big slingshot. He pointed it at my table.

I heard a

And then…

The giant blue water balloon shot across the room, spinning as it flew. It hit our table—and exploded!

“YAAAAIIIIIEEE!” I let out a horrified cry as a wave of water swept over us. My spaghetti bowl flew up into my face. Cold water gushed over me and splashed over the table.

When I finally pulled the spaghetti off my face, I saw Feenman and Crench frantically doing the breaststroke on the tabletop.

I spit out a mouthful of water and turned to the front of the room. My friends and I were soaked.

April-May stood a few feet away with Sherman and Wes Updood. They had their heads tossed back, and they were laughing…laughing their guts out.

I grabbed Feenman and Crench and dragged them to dry land. Then I raised both hands in surrender.

“Truce!” I shouted. “Truce!”

Crench grabbed me by my soaked school blazer. “Huh? Bernie? What's up with that? Are you really giving up?”

“You
never
give up!” Feenman cried. “Never!”

I brushed them both away. “Truce!” I shouted to Sherman. I kept my hands up high. “It's over. You win, Sherman. You win!”