The Thief Who Stole Midnight (7 page)

"Postpartum depression?" Mike said. And then he grinned at her.

The burglar snorted awake, looking at the pile of clothes in confusion. "What the hell? Did a bomb go off in your closet? What the heck is all this stuff? It's like a hundred degrees in here." The burglar said, trying to twist his body free of the mountain of clothes. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"You hush up." Maddie snapped. Then she looked at Mike. "If my parents find him, we're toast. They'll have us packed up and moved out of the city before you can say Happy New Year. They'll sue us for custody of Sophie."

"What are we supposed to do?" Mike asked. "He's a little hard to miss. Even if they don't see him, they're gonna hear him."

"Not if we keep him quiet." Maddie said, trying to figure out how to do that.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Apollo went crazy, barking.

"Happy New Year!" Maddie heard her dad holler through the closed front door.

Maddie felt the blood drain from her face and her stomach clench.

"Maddie, are you okay?" Mike asked.

"No!" Maddie whispered. "I'm either going to pass out or wind up in the hospital with internal bleeding by the time this night is over." Then she glared at the burglar and waved the hairspray can in the air. "You say one word, and I'm gonna knock your teeth out with this can, got it? And it will hurt. Just look at the gash on his head," she added, pointing to Mike.

"Knock, knock. Anyone home?" Maddie's mom yelled.

The burglar looked at the Band-Aid Mike had stuck to his forehead and the bruise that was starting to swell and cringed. "Jeez-Louise, you did that to him?"

"Are you going to let us in? Or should we just stand out here and freeze to death?" Irini hollered.

"Whoever's out there is a drama queen," the burglar said. "That hallway is damn toasty."

"We have the baby with us." Taki reminded them.

Mike looked at Maddie, desperate. "How do you quiet Sophie down when she's teething?"

"I am not about to pull out a boob and plop a felon on it," Maddie said, frowning.

"Hey...!" The burglar said in a lecherous tone, giving her a hopeful look.

"Dream on, Snooz-O," Maddie snapped.

Mike glared at the guy. "Hey! Watch yourself, buddy. This is my wife you're talking to."

Maddie looked at the mess of clothes on the bed and an idea sprung up in her head. "I've got it. Give me a sock. We can stuff it in his mouth."

"Really?" Mike asked, looking faintly nauseated. "A sock? A sweaty, stinky, been-on-my-foot, sock?"

The burglar made a gurgling noise. "Oh, come on. That's just rude. I don't want no Athlete's Foot of the tongue. Can't I just promise? Scout's honor."

Mike perked up. "Cub scouts, Boy scouts, Eagle Scouts?"

"Explorers," he said.

Maddie exploded. "Who cares?! My parents are at the door!"

Not like any of them was apt to forget, as Taki and Irini laid on another round of knocking and doorbell ringing, setting the dog off again.

Maddie turned to the burglar. "One sound and I'm pulling a pair of Mike's dirtiest, stinkiest, used boxers out of the laundry bin. Athlete's Foot Tongue is going to be the least of your worries."

"If you had let me try bondage night, we'd have a ball gag." Mike grumbled.

"And if you had let me go to that gun show, we could have just shot him." Maddie snapped.

Mike shrugged. "Sounds like we have next weekend mapped out."

"Jesus! Who the hell are you people?!" The burglar said, looking at them with an expression of terror.

"We're the people who own your ass," Maddie hissed, glaring at the burglar. Then she turned to Mike. "Wait here. I have an idea."

As Maddie ducked into the bathroom, she heard the burglar pleading with Mike.

"She's mean. If you let me go, I promise I won't tell anyone. I'll even give you your stuff back. Seriously."

Mike looked at him, like he was considering it.

Until the burglar overplayed his hand and turned nasty. "My cousin's a lawyer. I know my rights. You can't keep me here."

"Oh, please." Mike said, laughing. "If you had a lawyer in the family, you wouldn't be stealing our cheese slicer."

Maddie came out of the bathroom, triumphantly waving a bottle of Nyquil. "If this works on him, like it does on me, he'll be out 'til Valentine's Day."

"No way! I hate that taste of that crap!" The burglar protested, struggling against his bonds.

"Knock it off!" Maddie said, glaring at him. Then she pinched his nose shut, poured a shot Nyquil in his mouth and forced him to swallow.

He spluttered and gakked, but he swallowed.

The doorbell rang again.

"Would you open the door already?!" Nick hollered.

"Great. Nick's here too." Mike muttered.

"Unless you're doing something too kinky for the parental units to see." Rio chimed in.

Mike and Maddie looked at each other. Their whole freaking party was out in the hallway.

"What too kinky? Oh, please. I've birthed children. What's left that I haven't seen?" Irini said

Maddie grimaced. This was not how tonight was supposed to go. "Hold on a second," Maddie yelled. "We'll be right there." Then she turned and gave the burglar her best evil eye. "Zip it. I mean it. Or we're talking boxers with tire tracks."

But the Nyquil was already working its magic. The burglar yawned, his eyes drooped, and he started snoring.

"What are we going to do about the snoring?" Mike asked. "Even if we hide his body, the furniture jumping up and down to the tune of a chainsaw is going to be a dead giveaway."

"I've got it," Maddie said. "That APAP machine. We plug it in, hook him up with the mask, and he won't even be able to talk."

"Really?" Mike asked.

"Yeah, I tried it one day. It forces air into you, to keep your airways open. Every time you try to say something, whoosh, the air comes through with more force. It's freaking annoying."

"Brilliant," Mike said. "Is it noisy?"

Maddie shook her head. "Only when the mask's off. Put the mask on him before you turn it on and no one will hear anything."

The doorbell rang again, setting Apollo off on another round of barking.

"Maddie, open this door right now," Taki yelled.

"In a minute!" Maddie yelled back. "I'm getting dressed!"

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

As soon as Mike and Maddie had set up the burglar with the APAP, Maddie rushed to open the front door before Taki broke it down. Her dad may have been old, but he was pounding on that door like its very existence was a personal affront. Thank goodness it was made out of solid wood. Taki would have busted through anything flimsier.

Maddie threw the door open so hard, Mike was afraid the doorknob was going to bang a hole in the plaster. It was almost scary seeing how fast Maddie went from ruthless burglar-napper to slightly hyper, overly sweet hostess. She had everyone through the door and into the apartment before Mike even got from the bedroom to the couch.

Irini walked in, sniffing. "That certainly took you long enough. We thought you had been eaten by that beastly dog."

Apollo sat down and wagged his tail.

"You should put that thing in a shelter," Irini said, taking off her fur coat. "Especially now, with the baby."

Maddie rolled her eyes at me. "We love our dog, ma."

"Typical American bullshit," Taki said. "Putting pets before people in this country."

"Because they deserve to be," Mike said, earning a glare from Irini. "You don't see dogs starting wars or swindling people out of their savings."

"You know what your pets think of you?" Irini snapped. "They think that if you wake up dead some day, at least they'll still get a few good meals out of you."

"You can't wake up dead, ma." Maddie said. "It's physically impossible."

"Don't be a smart aleck," Irini said.

Taki put the baby carrier on the couch, and Nick and Rio made a beeline for the food trays.

Taki looked at Mike's forehead. "What happened to you? Is my little girl beating you up?"

"No," Mike said, looking nervous. "I walked into a door."

"That's what they all say," Rio snorted, as she spread Brie on a cracker.

Irini took her fur coat and opened the hall closet before Maddie could stop her. And then she closed the door with a gasp before anything could fall on her head.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked Maddie. "That closet's a fire hazard. Is that how I taught you to clean? Hide everything and hope no one needs to use the closet?"

"No, ma. It's just, with the baby and all, it's hard to find time to..."

Irini glared at her and Maddie's argument trailed off into a whimper. "I found time to clean when you were a baby. And I still keep my house clean. You come to my house, you can eat off the floor."

"Ma, you have a housekeeper," Maddie pointed out. "We can't afford that.

"So? What are you trying to say? That I don't do anything?" Irini's eyes narrowed. "Someone's got to supervise."

"Your mom didn't have a maid when you were little," Taki said.

"That's right." Irini crowed. "And I still found time to be a proper wife to both my husband and my house. That's why they call it
housewife
. You're not only married to your husband, you're also married to the house. What are you doing that you're too busy to call a maid service? You can't be making the sex all the time."

Rio almost choked on a laugh but when she caught Maddie's annoyed look, she quickly turned it into a cough.

Irritated, Irini headed for the bedroom with her coat.

Maddie sprinted for the bedroom door, hurdling over a small ottoman that was in her way, managing to beat Irini to the door. She tried to lean casually in front of it, but she was panting, so that kind of destroyed the illusion.

"Where are you going?" Maddie asked.

"To hang up my coat," Irini said to her, slowly and clearly, as if she was speaking to a foreigner.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the guest. I'll hang up your coat." Maddie said.

She grabbed for the coat, but Irini snatched it away.

"I'll hang up everybody's coat." Maddie said, looking at Mike with a desperate smile.

Taking his cue, Mike started grabbing coats as he made his way to her side.

Irini gave Maddie a narrow-eyed, appraising look. "You're not taking diet pills again, are you? They'll poison your breast milk. That's definitely not good for the baby."

"No," Mike said. "Why would she be taking diet pills? Don't be ridiculous."

"She's acting nervous." Irini said.

"Please, Ma. If I was taking diet pills, would I still look like this?" Maddie stuck out her stomach pooch, making it look even bigger.

Then she snatched the coats from Mike, put on a wide smile for Irini, and held out her arms for Irini to put her coat on top.

"Don't be ridiculous," Irini said, still clutching her coat. "You're loaded down. You could fall and hurt yourself."

Maddie shot Mike a look.

"I'm a strong guy. I'll hang up the coats." Mike volunteered.

Maddie dumped the coats on him, grateful.

Irini reluctantly assented and handed Mike her coat. "All right, but you have to be gentle. Don't smoosh it."

Over by the food trays, Rio choked back another snort of laughter.

Nick leaned over and whispered in her ear. "Is it just me, or is everyone acting whackadoo?"

"How would that make today different from any other day?" Rio whispered back at him.

Mike cracked open the bedroom door. Laden with coats, he tried to get into the bedroom, while blocking Irini's view of the bed. But Irini was hot on his heels.

Maddie had to physically block Irini from moving forward. "Mom! Really! Mike's perfectly capable of hanging up coats without supervision," Maddie snapped.

Irini gave Maddie her best hurt look, "I'm just trying to help. Besides, what about the baby?"

"What about her?" Maddie asked.

"She's tired. I'll come with and put her down for the night." Irini said, turning to the baby.

"This is like a bad dream," Mike muttered to Maddie as she pulled the door closed.

"Taki, bring me the baby," Irini called out.

 Taki picked up the baby in her car seat and headed for them.

"No!" Maddie and Mike yelled in unison.

"Why not?" Taki looked at them, mystified.

"What is wrong with you two?" Irini asked. "You're hiding something. What are you hiding?"

Maddie's jaw dropped open for a second, and then closed as she scrambled for a response.

"The bedroom's a mess," Mike said. "Maddie was throwing clothes everywhere, trying to find something to wear. She doesn't want you to see it."

"That's right, Ma." Maddie said, glaring at Mike.

"Busy hands are happy hands." Irini said. "We'll all go in together and help you clean. It won't take a minute."

"No!" Maddie said, panicked.

"Oh, leave the kids alone, Irini," Taki said. "They're all grown up now. I'm sure they have private things in their bedroom that they don't want you to see."

"Don't be ridiculous," snapped Irini. "It's not like I'm going to search under their bed."

"Besides, we don't want Sophie to miss New Year's." Maddie said. "It's her first one."

Irini laughed, brushing off the idea. "She's a baby. You think she's going to remember New Year's? She doesn't remember where her toes are yet."

Nick spoke up around a mouthful of jicama. "Babies remember everything. Screw up now, and she'll spend the next thirty years in therapy."

Maddie shot him a grateful look.

"Babies need to sleep," Irini insisted.

"She can sleep out here," Mike said.

Irini glared at him. "Where? On the dog-hair infested couch? Is that how you treat my granddaughter?"

"No, of course not," Mike said "We have a Moses basket. It's like a portable bassinet. We'll bring it out here. That way, she can sleep and still be part of the party."

"See, Thea Irini?" Nick said, distracting Irini's focus. "Everybody wins."