The Triple Goddess (39 page)

The drinks machine, after pausing to recover from the shock of someone wanting to use it, and having established that the person was not going to realize the folly of the request and go away, shuddered as it prepared to shoot its wad. Then it ejaculated a dry dust of coffee, which was slightly coarser than the tea, followed by the optional powdered cow and sugar, and a slow thin stream of water into the cup. As the mixture partially dissolved, a chemical scum formed and rose to the surface.

After a final spasm the service, exhausted, rumbled in its guts and shut down.

At last Arbella, who by now was feeling decidedly light-headed, had a sheaf of paper before her with no crossings-out on them, and bore them off to see Mr Shrively.

Mr Shrively was the individual responsible for entering brokers’ handwritten slips into the Chandler Brothers primaeval computer system. He would then run off printed versions on the standard rectangular lengths of grey card, bearing the company name and market registration number, that would be presented to underwriters for their rejection, derision, or acceptance. These placing slips were shorter or longer according to the complexity of the contract.

When the order had been completed and underwriters were bound, or “on risk”, Mr Shrively used the finally agreed slip to produce a cover-note; which in the fullness of time would form the basis for the more detailed wording that, when the contract was expired and forgotten, someone in the office would get around to having a stab at pulling together for agreement by still living parties or their next-generational successors.

There was no way that any broker, however senior, could bypass Mr Shrively. One could not just type up any old thing oneself and take it to the Room, for Shrively was a stickler for detail who had first to ensure that all the requisite terms and conditions were included, and in the proper order; nothing escaped him.

Mr Shrively was a little sergeant-major of a man, who had become shorter and fatter over the years until his body’s expansive directional impartiality earned him the nickname of Beachball. His face had a dangerous purple-black hue to it, and was reticulated with so many blood vessels on the verge of bursting that one wondered how much additional pressure it could stand, before exploding, like the melon in
Day of the Jackal
that the hit-man played by Mr Edward Fox used for target practice.

To the south of Beachball’s chain-smoking blob of a head and layers of dandruff, he was all wheezing chest and stomach, the Mercatorial projection of his belly covered with, instead of modish stripes like the brokers, the grey polyester of a formerly white shirt that strained at the buttons to reveal a yellowed vest.

Beachball’s blood-pressure numbers were an aggregate of brokers’ lack of attention to detail, ignorance, and inconsistency; a diet of fried food and sodium; aversion to exercise; chains of unfiltered cigarettes; four hours a day discourtesy of British Rail; and the consumption of blended scotch in the train’s refreshment car, and Guinness in the pub next to the station at the other end. He stood up only twice during the work day, between installing himself at his desk in the morning and leaving it at five-fifteen to, not catch but creep up on the six oh-three from London Bridge to Brighton: for his twenty minute lunchtime journey to the staff canteen in the basement, and back to his desk via the urinal afterwards.

For all his gruffness Mr Shrively was a kind-hearted man who enjoyed company; and everyone was always polite to him, out of affection and not just because they wanted their slips done in a timely fashion. Sympathetic to his condition, the other office workers felt obliged not to rush past him in the corridor as he made his glacial progress downstairs every day at one o’clock, but to linger and chat. In consequence, when Beachball was under way there would be a line of frustrated personnel behind him, crumpling their luncheon vouchers in frustration, and cursing themselves for not having got going five minutes earlier to avoid the congestion.

‘Good morning, Mr Shrively,’ said Arbella, as she entered the nicotine-walled cubicle; ‘and how are we today?’

She realized her mistake as Shrively’s head jerked up in surprise and pleasure at being so deposed, and listened squeamishly to the lengthy response to her question, for today of all days she must be especially nice to him. The slip she had with her was hardly ordinary, and it was likely that he would refuse to print it, for he was a very conservative and punctilious individual.

When he was done explicating the ruination of his barely ambulatory thrombosis of a body, Beachball eased Arbella’s draft slip from her grasp with thumb and forefinger, propped it before him, and trained a jaundiced eye beyond his bulbous mottled nose upon the script. Without a sideways flicker of his gaze, a prominently veined hand crawled across the desk, withdrew a cigarette from a box, and inserted it in the lipless aperture of his mouth.

Holding the cigarette between his third and fourth fingers in the manner but without the style of the highbrow critic Kenneth Tynan, Shrively blindly picked up a petrol lighter, thumbed open the top, rasped the wheel, lit it, and closed the brass cap with a snap.

When he did not exhale, and there was no sign of depleted smoke on his breath, Arbella pictured the medley of embolisms that was playing ring-a-ring-o’-roses in what remained of Mr Shrively’s lungs. It was on these occasions that she considered giving up the habit.

At length with a bubbling sigh Shrively said, ‘You can’t be serious.’ But he could see that she was, so he perused the draft a second time, this time depriving himself of carbon monoxide for long enough to read certain key words aloud while stabbing the paper with a stubby finger:

Assured
: Sir Walter Ralegh, Knight, b. 1554.

Class
: Travel Indemnity.

Cover
: One hundred per cent (100%) reimbursement for the cost of chartering as many ships as the Assured may require for an expedition to Guiana, to be captained by the Assured; and outfitting such vessels with equipment, supplies and other
matériel
, and as much end-user certificated weaponry as may be deemed necessary for the defensive protection of transports and personnel.

To include the expense of hiring officers and crew, doctor, interpreter, cartographer, scientist, geologist, and other specialist professional and attendant persons; re-provisioning; overland transportation; mineral excavation; the purchase of permits from the Government of Guiana, and local chieftains; and discretionary gifts to natives for the purpose of acquiring as much
Booty
(see below) as possible.

Booty
: Including but not limited to gold, silver, jewels, spices, tobacco [at the latter, Mr Shrively raised an interested eyebrow], coffee [Ralegh and the Corporation of Lloyd’s would approve], rum [a sop to underwriters], and miscellaneous native artefacts [Arbella wanted to start a collection].

Term
: Twelve (12) months, effective date as agreed by leading underwriter only, plus odd time, with extensions also t.b.a. L/U.

Territory
: English Channel, Atlantic Ocean, and the Caribbean, at the discretion of the Assured, between such latitudes as may be required or dictated by course charting, the vagaries of weather, evasion of unsolicited attack, and medical emergencies necessitating hospitalization; Guiana, and otherwise on land between places of embarkation and disembarkation, including any and all diversions made for the purpose of securing as much
Booty
(see above) as possible.

Limit
: Invoiced and receipted amounts for up to but not exceeding one million pounds sterling (£1,000,000) payable at inception.

Deductible
: None.

Premium
: 100% of the Assured’s net wealth, property and assets, after deduction of debts and creditors’ balances.

Profit Commission
: Underwriters to receive one hundred per cent (100%) of net profits from the Assured’s venture, plus resale and/or salvage value of ships and equipment as included in
Cover
(see above), after discharge of all costs and expenses, and upon receipt of lien releases from contractors, subcontractors and materialmen.

Accounts
: Premium payable one hundred per cent (100%) in advance.

Warranties
:

That Sir Walter Raleigh is the biological father of the active underwriter for Syndicate Number 001, Carew Arthur Ralegh, Esq.

That the Assured shall fully disclose and comply with audit of his assets by Ernst & Young and/or any other auditor(s) as may be appointed by underwriters hereon.

That prior to inception the Assured shall submit to a full physical examination by any licensed member or members of the United Kingdom Medical Register held by the General Medical Council, and such other qualified medical and other consultants as underwriters may wish to appoint to conduct such an exam., as well as to undergo any other tests and evaluations as they may deem necessary to assure themselves 1) that the Assured is alive and kicking; 2) that he is of sound mind; 3) that he is fit to travel; 4) that he intends to return.

That the Assured shall agree to wear a Bio-Trac GPS Tracker under-skin global positioning system implant for the duration of the expedition, and to report the nautical map coordinates of his latitude and longitude daily to London by satellite radio or telephone.

That as soon as practicable upon his return to safe harbour the Assured shall submit in full all financial accounts and Bills of Lading to underwriters’ auditors and accountants.

That, upon the Assured’s return, underwriters’ appointed representatives shall be exclusively responsible for supervising quayside unloading of cargo, and the inventorying and bonded warehousing of goods without interference by the Assured.

That the Assured shall present himself in person at a time of mutual convenience before underwriters at Lloyd’s, to give a first-hand account of the voyage; and that he shall assign to the Corporation of Lloyd’s the film rights, and exclusive worldwide copyright permission at its discretion to publish and broadcast accounts of the expedition in
Lloyd’s List
and other media formats of its choosing.

Conditions
: Underwriters shall be held harmless from all liabilities for actions arising from any breaches of law or promise, criminal offences, and violations of statutes, wheresoever committed, irrespective of whether under national or international, state, or local law, and in whatever jurisdiction, by captain, crew, trip consultants, advisers both official and unofficial, and passengers.

Exclusions
:

Physical loss or damage to shipping

Third party liability

Clauses
:

Service of Suit

Inspection of records (L/U only)

Net Retained Lines

Arbitration

Salvage

Subrogation

War

Nuclear Incident

Intermediary clause

Brokerage
: None [Even were it not ethically inappropriate that Chandler Brothers should profit from such an orthodox deal, underwriters would surely insist that the contract be processed without deduction of either percentage of premium or flat fee by the brokerage company. This would create trouble for Arbella from Oink, but she would enter that sty only when she had to.]