The Trouble with Polly Brown (32 page)
Boritz appeared to give careful consideration to all that Mildred had to say, but then, to stop her rabbiting on any further, for it was giving him an almighty headache, he finally decided to take over.
“Well, my dearest, forgive me if I beg to differ, but I have it on the highest authority that since leaving the castle, neither lady has had the remotest piece of luck in finding any suitable employment. I am therefore more than confident that once I present our current situation to the dear ladies, they will, I believe, jump at the opportunity and even consider themselves most fortunate to find themselves once more in the employment of our good selves, even if it is only for the duration of our holiday. I will, of course, encourage them further by offering both ladies the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity of being in receipt of an excellent reference that will most certainly help them find other reasonable employment at some future date.”
“Well, Boritz, if all this turns out to be true, then this is indeed wonderful news, for it must surely mean that both ladies will by now be in most urgent need of money. But dare I take this opportunity to ask how come you, my dear, are so up-to-date on such matters?”
“Because, my dearest, I make it a top priority to keep abreast of such things, and as every potential new employer contacts me asking for a written personal reference as to the credibility and worthiness of those lesser creatures that we have in the past employed, well then, my dear, I leave the rest for you to work out in your little, and often somewhat confused, head.”
“Oh, Boritz, commander of our solar system and beyond, you, my dear, are such an overwhelmingly powerful man. What would I do, and where would I be without you at the helm?”
“And the rudder,” Boritz whispered under his breath.
“Precisely, my dear! Now come along and let us head for the stairs and bed, as I, for one, am in urgent need of some serious shut-eye.”
“Yes, dear.”
“Tomorrow morning when I arise from my blissful slumber, I will purpose to make all essential phone calls, leaving you to content yourself with the more trivial things of life, such as packing the suitcase with the odd pair of underpants, toothbrush, razor, and all other essential paraphernalia that are necessary if one is wanting to experience a successful holiday.”
The next morning came far too soon for the children, who were all desperately overtired and groggy, with many of them still suffering the very unpleasant symptoms and side effects from their ice cream binge. This day would be replayed many times in the head of each demoralized child, as there was not one among them who did not pathetically drop to his or her knees and beg permission to be allowed the day off school, for they were all without fail still feeling terrible queasy. However, neither their pale, limp bodies nor their heartfelt, pitiful pleas fell on fertile ground when it came to the cold, stony heart of Aunt Mildred. No, it all fell on completely deaf ears, for Aunt Mildred was having none of it, as she systematically marched like a sergeant major on patrol through each dormitory shouting out her orders at the top of her lungs.
“Wakey, wakey; rise and shine,” she shrieked in ridiculously high decibels before most unfeelingly stripping the bedclothes off each bed, thereby forcing each poor and bewildered occupant to get up, as without the protection of bedclothes they quickly began to shiver from the cold in the draughty, sparsely furnished dormitories.
“Right, you messy, undisciplined bunch of wimps. You all have just five minutes to get dressed and make your beds. Failure to fulfill this task within the allotted time will spell immeasurable trouble. Do I make myself clear?” she yelled.
“Yes, Aunt Mildred,” they stuttered as, shivering violently, they jumped up and down in a vain effort to keep warm.
Even poor Bertha Banoffee, who had spent the whole night lying on the cold flagstone floor of the kitchen, was shown no extra mercy, as she was ordered to get up from the floor and make haste to get washed and changed into her spare school uniform.
That ghastly morning all the children were impossibly slow as they dragged their sickened, fragile torsos in the general direction of the bathroom. So it came as no surprise that there was no time whatsoever for any child to sit down and even half fill his or her tummy with any nourishment that might aid them through the lengthy school day. By the time every child had made it to the bathroom there were only minutes left to make a dash for the bus stop to catch the school bus.
However, if the truth be told, not one of the feeble, bleary-eyed children had the slightest desire to sit in front of the normal bowl of stale cereal, making the usual eye contact with the ridiculously lively silverfish, who thought nothing of flaunting themselves as they cheekily wriggled to and fro in the lukewarm, thick, lumpy-powdered milk.
Having made their weary way to the bottom of the stairs, the poor children showed not an atom of resistance, as they were then frogmarched to the front door by a very militant Aunt Mildred, who administered the usual threats by grabbing hold of an ear or two to dutifully remind each child of what possibly could befall them, should they dare miss the school bus.
Boritz, for once, also took a responsible parental position and stood by Mildred to wave the children off. Never one to miss an opportunity, he used the occasion to warn each and every poorly child to expect a family meeting to take place on their return from school.
With the children now out of the way, Mildred happily busied herself emptying out drawer after drawer as she scratched around for suitably classy clothing, as well as a swimming costume or two to pack for her impending holiday.
Boritz, in the meantime, set about making those urgent phone calls that were necessary if their trip was to go ahead as planned. Happily for Boritz, both ladies were, as he had so rightly stated, available to help out. Mrs. Gloria Gumball said she would go immediately and pack a suitcase and be at the castle as soon as she was required, and dear Gertrude Grimespot even volunteered the help of her younger sister, Hilda, who had traveled many miles to stay for an extended period of time with Gerty and the rest of her close-knit family.
Boritz then found himself with the embarrassing task of having to cancel the previously arranged round of golf with his dear friend and headmaster Edwood Batty, as well as his close friend, good old Dr. Glumchops. He knew they would completely understand and appreciate his explanation for canceling, especially when they heard that he had little choice as the trip was a matter of great urgency, and so he asked both friends to show charitable forgiveness toward dear Mildred, as well as his good self.
Also canceled was their pre-planned supper date at the Toad in the Hole. “Tell dear Agnes we will organize another date on our return, and likewise we will be contacting Egor and Ethel to inform them that the supper date is temporarily postponed,” Boritz politely informed Edwood Batty.
Now all that was left to do was prepare a suitably hard-hitting sermon for the family meeting, which was to take place as soon as all the children returned from school. As he sat back in his chair in his dismal and abysmally untidy study, he considered that this meeting must essentially differ from all previous meetings, inasmuch as it must not take place in his study but elsewhere. This small change of plan would naturally have the children feeling very emotionally susceptible, for he knew that familiarity was extremely important to the insecure little urchins, and on this particular occasion he really believed he needed them to be feeling uncertain, queasy, and hopefully a little bit afraid. If this were to be the case, then it was absolutely necessary for him to challenge and overthrow their much-needed regular routine.
“Pattern, power. Nothing familiar. Nothing familiar. Pattern, power,” he chanted over and over under his breath.
Without warning Boritz suddenly broke into a large, wicked smile as he came to believe that he had thought of the perfect place to hold this very special family meeting, and this was under the castle in the forbidden tunnel.
T
HE REASON THIS
particular tunnel was forbidden had precious little to do with ghouls, ghosts, bloodstained walls, dismembered bodies, and those sort of unspeakably ghastly things that bring untold amounts of terror to the core of most normal, levelheaded people. Simply, this underground tunnel or cellar held a lot of precious and very expensive tools that Boritz used as he busied himself with all his latest money-spinning ventures.
Boritz was, of course, well aware that in years gone by this tunnel might well have been used more as a prison dungeon, for its stone walls still contained suspicious-looking lumps of metal that presumably in past history had been used to chain up vile, monstrous criminals and insurgents of the king; but that was all in the past. Its present usage was more that of an underground bunker where Boritz worked on all sorts of crazy, half-baked schemes that in his egomaniacal mind he hoped might one day make him immensely rich, as well as famous.
His latest and most challenging invention to date was to design a trendy new box in which to bury the deceased. Now, these were no ordinary coffins but part of an ongoing project that Boritz had been working on for some time now. He regularly admitted to himself that this was his most exciting project to date, which, given time, would surely fill his coffers to overflowing and, in doing so, would rightfully make him his well-deserved millions. He believed that his idea of sweet-smelling coffins that decomposed along with the odiously rotting corpse would, given a reasonable amount of time, become most desirable, if not highly fashionable.
He reasoned that in the not-too-distant future there would indeed come a day when burial grounds would be so full to overflowing there would no longer be any space left in which to bury the freshly departed. Take, for instance, his very own deceased relatives Aunt Quantaloop, as well as dear Uncle Stickleberry. Both were sadly stacked up, box upon box, at some beastly, overcrowded church graveyard in London, and these were to name but a few of his dearly beloved departed friends and relatives. It was clearly a very distressing situation, which over a matter of time would only get much worseâthat is, until the problem was properly and officially confronted.
It was also true to say that the problem of overcrowded graveyards had been the subject of great debate on a recent television documentary, and so Boritz thought he'd get in first; hence the first ever heavenly scented and biodegradable coffins.
The reason the children were going to be ordered down into the tunnel after school that day had little to do with him wishing to give the children a little peek at handcrafted coffins and thereby confirm their admiration toward his perfectionist skills; but simply, these coffins would serve him well when it came to getting them all to see things quickly from his perspective. After all, he considered that a modicum of fear in each child's tender heart was surely very healthy. It kept them alert, it prevented general unruliness, and it made them God fearingâand this was indeed very necessary if he alone was to lead the way in preserving good old-fashioned values, as well as continue to uphold discipline in the castle.