The Trouble with Polly Brown (54 page)

“I know you're right, Ralph, but answer this one honestly: Do mortals really do all within their power to sort things out amongst themselves? If so, why are there so many broken families and so many crazed and bleeding soldiers, dazed and destroyed as they stumble off the latest battlefield?” he asked, his eyes blazing with the deepest compassion
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“You are quite right, Hodgekiss, for humans suffer so much with stupid pride, and they appear to have so little ability to forgive. But Hodgekiss, this situation is very different from anything we have yet come up against. Look, she has even cried out for help. So can we really stand by and do nothing? And what about dear James? With Polly gone he might well become the next scapegoat. You know as well as I do that bullies always need a victim to feed off.”

“Yes, I am considering what we can do to help James. But setting James aside, at least for the time being, pray, tell me, Ralph, if you could do anything you wished, what precisely would you care to do?”

Ralph shut his eyes momentarily before answering decisively. “Please allow me the privilege of at least paying Polly a visit in the hospital.”

“Oh, and how do you propose to get past security in order to see her? It's well known that this particular hospital is as secure as any prison.”

“Well, that's the easy part, for I shall visit the hospital as Lady Ralphella Butterkist, and I will attend the official ward opening ceremony as the highly honored guest whose duty it is to cut through the ribbon. I have always wanted to be the chosen one to cut through the ribbon with oversized scissors.”

“Wait a minute, Ralph! What new ward? They have had to penny pinch for years.”

“Ah, yes. Well, Hodgekiss, I do believe that's where we fit in, for Lady Ralphella Butterkist is such a delightfully charitable philanthropist, and believe it or not, she is about to donate a handsomely generous check to the hospital that will more than pay for this new ward to be built.”

“Hmm. Go on, Ralph.”

“Well, naturally, having been so generous, she will then be the obvious choice as the celebrity invited to cut the ribbon, don't you think?”

Hodgekiss shook his head and smiled as he pictured his extraordinarily passionate friend now suspiciously impersonating a high-society lady going by the very dubious name of Lady Ralphella Butterkist
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“Hodgekiss, may I also take Giles Blenkinsopp along with me, for if I am to appear like the very wealthy lady that I am, well then, I will need somebody to play the part of my devoted but downtrodden butler. And if you rightly remember, he was a butler for real when he lived and worked down there at Madhatterly Manor, so he wouldn't be a fish out of water.”

“He might not be, but what of you, Ralph? I hope you really do know what you're getting yourself into.”

“Yes, I do. And besides, this will be the most exciting adventure I have ever gone on,” he stated as he gave Hodgekiss a ridiculously impish grin
.

“Very well, Ralph, my good friend. I do believe you have come up with a bright and very pertinent idea, and it is good that Giles gets to see firsthand how we get things done when we dare to cross paths with members of the human race. Oh, and while we are at it, I would also like to suggest that a number of us who know and love young Polly write her a few thoughtful little messages of encouragement—not too many words, just something helpful that will pierce her soul and help her once more to believe in herself, as well as Piadora.”

“Yes, yes, I will immediately get the word out. Oh, this is all so very exciting!” Ralph ecstatically shouted as he turned on his heels to go and get others involved in writing small letters of encouragement to Polly as well as go in search of Giles to get his consent to join him on this latest expedition to Planet Earth
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As Ralph was leaving, Hodgekiss stopped him in his tracks to give him one final word of advice
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“Oh, and Ralph, for this new adventure to have any hope of success, might I suggest that you take the time to exchange your smelly old boots for a more glamorous pair of high heels! Remember, you aroused a lot of suspicion and almost gave the game away last time.”

Ralph immediately went a bright shade of pink
.

“Oh, and Ralph, might I also suggest that you consider paying dear Mrs. O'Brien a quick visit to rummage through her extensive wardrobe of clothes. When she hears of your latest mission, as she most certainly will, I think she will want to loan you some of her makeup, as well as a decent looking hairpiece, a very much-needed fashion accessory where you are concerned!”

Ralph nodded his assent as he gave his bald head a quick, friendly pat
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“She may even wish to give you a few etiquette lessons that will teach you to walk and talk in the manner and pedigree of a refined society lady.”

Ralph continued to feverishly nod his agreement
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“Ralph, I demand that you keep still while I apply this pink lipstick,” Mrs. O'Brien sternly ordered. “It's as though you've got ants in your pants, you are wiggling around so much. Try to help yourself by calming down a tad,” she groaned
.

“I would if I could, but at this moment I can't help myself, for I am so very excited,” Ralph quickly admitted
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“There we go; a superb pair of butterfly lips.” Mrs. O'Brien giggled as she stood back to fully admire her workmanship. “Now Ralph, pay attention, for pretty soon you, my dear, will have to apply this delightful shade of lipstick to your voluptuous lips without any help whatsoever from me,” she said, thrusting a small hand mirror in front of him so that he could take a good look at himself
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“Hmm. I look rather gorgeous, don't I?” he exclaimed as with both hands he puffed up his new, bouffant-styled hair
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“Don't get too carried away,” Mrs. O'Brien pretended to sharply rebuke. “Another thing, Ralph: it is of the utmost importance that you learn everything there is to know about tea.”

“Uh, tea, Mrs. O'Brien?”

“Yes, you heard me correctly, Ralph dearest, for it is widely known that every high society lady frequents tea parties, for not only are they a socially fashionable affairs, but it is the perfect occasion for these demure ladies to secretively munch through endless divinely decadent slices of cream cake whilst sharing the latest important gossip over an even more heavenly tasting cup of aromatic tea. It is therefore important that you know your teas, as well as your Ps and Qs, so to speak. Also, I think it might be a good idea if I were to lend you my two little Shih Tzu pups, Precious and Peaches, for many a refined lady has a dog or two, if merely for companionship.”

“Oh, Mrs. O'Brien, that would be so kind of you, and I really will take great care of your sweet little dogs. That's a promise.”

Ralph chuckled away to himself, as for the first time ever he tried to walk a straight line in a very smart and delicate pair of women's high-heeled shoes that Mrs. O'Brien had moments earlier picked out for him
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“My goodness. What pure discomfort ladies so willingly put themselves through just for the sake of looking fashionable!” he giggled before suddenly tripping over to fall flat on his face
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Mrs. O'Brien let out a loud gasp as she rushed over to where he now lay sprawled out on the floor
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“Ouch,” he cried, rubbing his poor squashed nose as with her help he pulled himself up from the floor
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“There, there, Ralph. Or should I be calling you Ralphella?” She broke out into a smile just watching him abandon his painfully sore nose to now rub his equally sore knees. “Now you can see firsthand just how difficult being a real lady truly is,” she said, bringing out a tissue to wipe clean some smudged lipstick that was now halfway up his left cheek
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Ralph grunted as once more he tried to walk with an air of grace. “If only women could be more like men, then all this would be a whole lot easier,” he moaned
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“You're going to make a lovely lady eventually, but if I'm to be perfectly honest, Ralphella dear, as things stand, you will arouse plenty of suspicion. For one thing, you are so heavy handed and cumbersome! You have no choice but to put in a few weeks of continuous practice if you are to have any hope whatsoever of pulling off this one,” Mrs. O'Brien stated
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Ralph made a deep groan at this latest news
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“Does this include some sort of a diet?” he asked, screwing up his face as he braced himself for an answer that he was most certain he did not wish to hear
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“I'm afraid it most certainly does. But cheer up, my dear, for I do declare that I just love your rose pink butterfly lips, for they are most becoming! So come this way, for we have got to spend more time training you up for tea parties, and then it's straight on to master the catwalk!” she said as she linked her arm through his and gave his hand a friendly and encouraging pat
.

This time 'round Ralph was more determined than ever to conquer the virtually impossible art of walking tall and straight whilst in delicate high heels. Yes, he would master it for sure, even if it killed him! And looking at his feeble attempts, the chances were extremely high that it might!

As the car made its merry way toward the hospital, the tension inside the car was palpable, causing Polly's stomach to begin churning over and over. Polly was therefore very relieved when Aunt Mildred opened her mouth to speak, even if it was only to ask Boritz to confirm the agreed time of their appointment with Dr. Ninkumpoop.

“Ah, I believe we are almost there,” Mildred stated with a distinct sigh of relief.

The huge black wrought iron gates to the hospital slowly and gradually opened, allowing their car to pull into the car park. Once parked, Polly was ordered by her uncle to step out of the car. Uncle Boritz then grabbed a hold of her suitcase, and with Aunt Mildred close at her side, Polly was frog-marched up some steps to the front entrance of the medieval-looking facility.

Boritz dropped her suitcase to the ground and reached out to press the doorbell. Polly used the moment to take in the building and its surroundings. To her way of thinking, the hospital appeared to be nothing short of a gothic monstrosity that had not only been built in centuries gone by but quite clearly needed pulling down. It looked so old and decrepit with all the stone walls thickly clad with insect-filled ivy and other climbing vegetation, which just added to making the hospital feel morbidly ancient.

She momentarily moved her head to one side to take in the landscape, and as she did, she caught sight of an old bearded man trying hard to catch an imaginary butterfly or something. If the occasion had been anything other than it was that sad day, she would have had little choice but to break into fits of laughter, but as today of all days was to be no ordinary day, she chose not to.

Suddenly the front door opened, and an old hard-nosed nurse with horrid winklepicker shoes and gaping, rotten teeth grabbed hold of Polly's suitcase before brashly ordering them all to follow after her.

“Oh, nurse, may I trouble you to lead us in the direction of the nearest available bathroom, as this dear girl has had a sudden most unexpected fall?” Mildred sweetly went on to inform, “Yes, we are anxious to get her cleaned up before she meets with the good doctor.”

The steely faced nurse obliged by directing them down a narrow hallway.

“You'll see it half way down on the right hand side,” the miserable-looking nurse shouted after them. “I'll wait here until you return.”

Polly felt like she'd walked for miles as in complete silence they headed down one dimly lit corridor after another. The only noise to be heard as they walked came from the passionless nurse as her shoes clicked and clacked along the harsh flagstone flooring as she continued briskly marching them down the lengthy, gloom-filled corridors. There were occasions when Polly thought she heard some distant muffled moans and cries of despair, but she quickly dismissed all this as being part of her overactive imagination.