The True Tale of the Monster Billy Dean (3 page)

I wos flat owt on the flor & Dad & Mam wer neelin at my syd. I saw the fere in Mams eyes & herd the fere in her voys as she gaspd owt Billy! Billy! and leend down to me & cuddld me.

He pulld her off.

Dont he said. Its my folt. I shudnt hav scaird you shud I son?

He grinnd down at me.

And the good news is that Daddy survivd, he said. Thats good isnt it?

Yes, I wisperd.

And that Mammy surviyvd & so did you. Isnt that good Billy?

Yes, I wisperd.

Yes. So dont let thees littl woonds worry you. Ther just mementos of the day of doom. And yes ther woonds but ther also blesings becos they helpd us understand the naycher of the world & of the evil in the world.

And he drew me from the flor & sat me on the sofa at his side. And I rememba how he leend bak then & smoakd agen & put the sigaret within the fingas that wer left on his left hand & held them up lyk he wos doin a littl dans with them lyk he wos doin a littl trik.

He waggld the sigaret befor Mam til she giggld & bit & bit her lips & nujd me & started me gigglin too.

You must resist arl evil, my son, Dad said as he breethd his smoak across us. We are brout into the world to heal woonds not to make them.

He took my fingers agen & put them to his scars.

Go on Billy, he said. Tel them to heal.

He grinnd & winkd. He told me agen to tel them to heal.

You can do it, he said.

I tuchd jently. I took a depe breth & closd my eyes & put my hart & sole into my wisperd words.

H-heal, I said. Plees h-heal my Daddy.

I said it agen agen agen. At last he gaspd.

Youve dun it, Billy! he cryd.

I opend my eyes. I hadnt of cors.

Wel you nerly did, he said as he stubbd owt his sigaret.

It ended as it always ended. They kissd me then they went owt together throu the dore & left me.

I lay on my bed & the stars shon down on me.

I herd gasps & crys. I herd ther laffin & growlin throu the warls. I herd Mam callin his naym and him callin hers.

Wilfred! O Wilfred.

Veronica! Veronica!

I left the bed & pressd my ear to the wall tryin to get cloaser cloaser tryin to understand the mistry of it pressin so hard that I thort the wall or my hed wud brake. Pressd my hole body to the warl so hard that I thort that I must brake throu & enter it & sumhow get insyd it & fynd them ther just behynd the pitchers & the cracks.

And fel asleep ther at the foot of the wall agenst the skirtin bord. Slept with the sents of him on me & the fele of his strong body on me & the tuch of his woonds on my fingers & his depe voys runnin throu evry part of me.

As it dus now. As it runs throu me now & as it always wil. His presens & his voys & evry part of him wil stay within me always & be always in the world I see & no.

And O the stars. The nite we lay beneeth the stars. The nite we gayzd together throu the littl windo to the sky.

I lovd that windo. I new arl the colors arl the chaynjes. Day becomin nite & nite becomin day & dawn & dusk & the blues the reds the pinks the blacks. The shapes of the clowds & the pattens of the stars & sunlite & moonlite & the way one tym the moon wos like a shinin fays & another tym like a curvin nife. I loved the splashing rane the fallin snow the days wen there wos frost & ice on the windo & the lite came in all jagged & sparkly & sharp.

He caym to me alone that nite. He telt me hed bene travellin for meny howers to get here this nite & as he travelld he had becum astonishd by the sky abuv Blinkbonny. He took my hand & telt me to lie down with him on the flowery carpet on the flore.

He telt me to look upward.

He took my hand in his & poynted up with both our hands into the glitterin nite.

Choos a singl star & look at it, he said.

I did this tho I cud hardly consentrate for the exitement of bein ther with him so cloas to him.

Hav you dun that Billy?

Yes Daddy.

How big is it? he wisperd.

Tiny Daddy.

Thats rite. Now cova it with yor finga. Blok it owt. See how it can be blokd owt by the littl finga of a littl boy in a littl room?

Yes Daddy.

Yes. So how big is it? Is it smarler than a littl boys finga?

Yes Daddy.

He laffd softly. He lit a blak sigaret.

No, he said. That star & arl the stars you see are biger than this room & biger than the world itself. A millyon of thees rooms & a millyon millyon Billys cud fit into a singl star.

How can that be? I said.

Its cos ther far away Billy. Its cos the yoonivers is so immens & wer so tiny. Its cos God mayd it so.

I lay ther wotchin. How cud they be so big and fit into such a littl windo? How cud they fit into my eyes? How cud they fit into my littl hed? I wunderd further. Wot did far away mene? Wot wos millyons and millyons?

I felt him warm agenst me and herd the bumpin of his hart. I held my body close to him wantin to feel the strenth of him & wantin him to never go away wantin him to stay foreva with me ther belo the stars.

He poynted agen & traysd his finga over them.

Some folk say they see the shayps of aynshent gods up there, he said.

Do they Dad?

Aye. They say they can see men & women & beests like crabs & bulls & bears.

Do they Dad?

Aye. And horses with wings.

Then he wos sylent. He stard he smoakd he siyed. I shifted cloaser to him til my hed wos tuchin his. I recal how my own hed reeld to be so close to his how I wos filld with the wunda of the nite and of his hed that seemd as hyuj & misteryous as the nite & I wanted to pres my hed agenst his hed to get insyd it to sumhow be insyd it.

He shifted a bit away from me.

He wisperd that he must go to my muther now.

Wots crabs & buls & bares, Dad? I said.

He groand.

Wots millyons & millyons, I said. Whats far away?

He groand agen. He turnd away and started to stand up.

Ill explane, he said. Ill fynd a way to show you.

He wos standin up.

O Billy wot we dun to you? he said.

Dont no, Dad. Nothin, Dad.

O wot a sin we dun, Billy Dean!

Horses with wings, I said. Like the birds ye mean?

Aye, Billy, he said. Like the birds.

I dint want him to go.

And wil I see them throu the windo lyk the birds. But whats a hors? Wher you gowin Dad? Dont leev me Dad.

He went to the door were I cudnt follo. He turnd & staird bak at me.

What we dun? he groand agen.

Then closd the dore & went to my Mam & left me with the mistry of the stars & the beests & the mistry of the syz of things & the mistry of what had been dun to Billy Dean.

Mebbe it wos soon after the nite abowt the stars that he brout the wooden box of beests for me. He put it on the flor and telt me to neel down ther besyd him.

Go on Billy, said Mam.

She stayd sittin on the sofa watchin.

I nelt down by my Dad.

Wotch, he said.

He slowly lifted the lid of the box and ther they wer. Plastic munkys wooden horses steel gorillas wooden cows & pigs & sheep & plastic birds & spidas worms & snayks & wooden elefants & rinos camels wales & dolphins. We lifted them arl owt. I rememba the fele of them on my tremblin fingas. I let them roll across my parms I fingerd them I held them tite. I felt the smoothnes of the skin & the ruffness of the tales & manes the sharpness of teeth & tusks & claws. Mam clappd her hands & said how byutiful they wer & how kind my father wos & wot a lucky boy I wos.

These ar the beests, said Dad.

He giv them ther names 1 by 1 by 1. He held them befor my eyes and said this 1 is carld suchandsuch & this 1 is a suchandsuch & this 1 is another kind of suchandsuch. He wonted me to rememba of cors and he kept sayin, So wich 1 is this, Billy, and wich 1 is this and do you rememba the naym of this?

I wos hoapless. That first nite I think I got just the 3 correct —monky & wulf & rat tho I did kepe mixin rat up with mows.

Never mynd, he said. Tayk yor tym, son. Youll lern.

It wos such a laff that nite. He went rownd the room lyk the animals hoppin & crawlin & runnin & flappin. He mayd the sownds of the beests for me. He telt me to copy him & to do the animals with him.

Cum on Billy, he said. Joyn in with yor Dad.

At first I wos ded shy.

Be brayve, Billy, said Mam Yor lyk a littl mows yorself. Joyn in with yor Daddy. Go on son.

So I did. I tuk a deep breth then mayd a little grunt & soon enuf I wos getting reely stuk into it. I poynted my fingers up like horns & flappd my arms like wings and dangld them lyk trunks. It just felt bliddy grate. Wos 1 of the best things Id dun in my hole lyf.

Miaow miaow! I went. Woof woof! Hoot hoot! Baa baa! Moo moo! Oink oink!

Mam giggld & said what a pare of crakpots we wer wich just mayd us do it lowder and noysyer.

Afterwads we stood the beasts upon the carpet on the red and blue & yello flowers ther. We arl lookd down at them & we wer very glad.

Its how things wer at the start of tym, said Dad. God mayd the world. Then he mayd the beests.

I did a littl grunt & a little bark. I hoppd lyk a beest wud.

Did I mayk a good beest, Dad, I said.

Aye, son, he said. Very good indeed.

Then he went very qwiet as he watchd me.

But you must remember, he said. You ar not a beest. You are a human bein & a boy.

OK, Dad.

The beests are lyk us but are not lyk us. God made us afterwards. He gave us intelligens, and he giv us a sole to make us speshal and separat. You must remember that Billy. Will you remember?

Yes Dad.

Good. Those who forget this ar the wons who becum monsters. And you dont want to be a monster do you Billy?

No Dad, I said tho I didnt reely hav a clew what he wos on abowt.

Good boy. Ther is a deep separayshon between the beests & us. We hav a Godgiven sole & the freedom to choos good or to choos evil. Dont we?

Yes Dad.

Yes. And we must choos goodness mustnt we Billy?

Yes Dad.

Yes. Sumtyms the world seems filld with evil. But if we look close enuf we wil fynd that ther is goodness at the hart of evrything.

Of evrything? I said.

Yes Billy. Evrything. At the hart of you & me & of Mam & of the world & yoonivers itself. God made it so.

He lifted a rat.

Wots this? he said.

A mows? I said.

He lifted a dog.

A cat? I sed.

He smild. But ther wos sadness in his smyl.

Billy Dean, he siyed.

He lifted a snake & pointed it at my fays.

Hiss, he went. Hisssss. Hisssss.

And he sqeezd the snayks mowth so that the fangs poppd owt and he smiled as he pressd them on my cheek.

Wot games we playd them beests & me! Day after day & nite after nite I went on crawlin hoppin hootin skweekin. Im sure that I got the sownds & moovments rong that I gayv the rong names to the rong beests and mixd up things that crawl with things that fly & things that sing with things that growl & things that kill with things that die. But to me on my own in my own littl room it dint matter at arl. If I cudnt rememba a name I invented it. If I cudnt rememba a sownd I created it. So in among the munkys & mise & cats there wos dongas & plaps & boofs & placks. Ther wos noyses like massiv screems of payn & sownds lyk giggly wispas & ther wer weard streems of sensless words yelld up towards the windo to the sky. And the beests flappd & jumpd but they also shiverd & trembld & lurchd & floppd & flinchd.