The Truth About Fairy Tales (28 page)

             
I felt nothing but alone at that moment, but I turned and walked slowly back to her door and inside to the mother I’d written off as useless years ago.

Chapter Fifteen

              Rachel stood as I entered the room and for a second, I saw the same stubborn pride in her that was my own downfall.

             
“I like him. He doesn’t let you bully him. That’s good.”

             
“I like him, too. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be back in here. Jackson wants me to try and I want to make him happy. What other choice do I have?”

             
“You’re right, you don’t. The good ones are worth it. Fred’s a good one, too. He saw something worth saving in me and I loved him. I wanted to try. Maybe we aren’t so far from being alike after all?”

             
I didn’t like that one little bit. I was nothing like my mother—was I? I’d never abused my body or neglected my family for my own baser instincts. I wasn’t my mother’s daughter.

             
“I didn’t mean it like that, Maggie. You’re good, not like me. I was only comparing you to me in that we both recognize good men when we see them.”

             
At that, I looked into her eyes and smiled just a little. She was right about that.

             
“Tell me about Fred. Where did you meet him? Was he one of your men?” I couldn’t stop that nasty comment from coming out. I didn’t believe Fred was one of her clients, but I wasn’t ready to give up on my anger and resentment of her completely just yet.

             
My mother understood all of this and smiled. “Not exactly. Fred’s a minister. He has a church here in town—a small one. I met him at an outreach meeting in the city. He was trying to help the homeless. I was just there for a warm place to sleep and a free meal. I was lucky; I got so much more than that. I realized what my mother had been trying to tell me all along. You see, Fred told me all those old stories that I knew by heart and had rejected as old fashioned by my mother. But somehow, hearing them from Fred, well they gave me hope. I realized just how much of a disappointment I’d been to her and how much I’d hurt you—my beautiful baby girl. You were the only thing that was real to me. The only thing that kept me going for so long. Losing you, well I’d just about given up on life. I wanted to die; I was trying my best to achieve that when Fred found me. Just in time, he saved me from myself and just like that, I wanted to change.

             
“So, you just magically became a different person? Turned your life around and decided to come take me away from the only stable life I’d known? The one person who actually represented family to me?”

             
“Oh, Maggie, my sweet little girl, no, that wasn’t what I wanted at all. I wanted you to love me again as you did when you were a baby. I’d changed—I was different, although it was hard to see and it wasn’t easy. It was the hardest thing in the world I’ve ever had to do, beating the drugs. It’s still there. The cravings. The need for a high. There are times when I can almost taste it, but I turn to Fred and to God and I make it through.

“But I was different and because I’d changed, I wanted to tell you how deeply it hurt me to know how much I’d hurt you. I know you were frightened and I wasn’t a mother to you, but I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to leave you alone or have you go without food. Or have you see me with those men—or the drugs. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I realize now how deep your hurt is, but I want you to know one thing. You were the only thing in the world that mattered to me. You were my life. As long as I had you and the hope of you, I knew I could make it. I’ve always loved you, my sweet beautiful little girl and I always will. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I only want you to know I love you.”

              At those heartbreaking words from a woman that I’d hated all those years, I felt all my anger and resentment shatter deep inside of me like a fever lifting from my soul. I was biting my bottom lip, my hands clenched into tight fists to keep from crying in front of her.

             
I didn’t need her in my life. I’d survived for twenty-six years without her, so what did I care what she wanted or how she felt?

             
As I looked at her, I knew I did. Like it or not, she’d been just as important to me as I was to her. Even though I’d tried to convince myself, I hated her. Deep inside my heart, I knew I’d never been able to hate my mother. This was the woman that had given me life, the person that was just as ill equipped for life as I had been. She’d tried, she just didn’t know how to do it on her own and she’d been too stubborn to admit that until it was too late.

             
As a little girl, I remember looking through all those pictures of my mother and thinking she had to be Cinderella. She was so beautiful growing up, so full of life that she’d always reminded me of a fairy princess. Her life hadn’t been a fairy tale.

             
“When I was a little girl, I used to think you were the most beautiful woman in the world. You were like one of those fairy tales Gran read to me. I used to pretend that you’d come back one day and everything would be okay. It never was, though.”

             
I saw just how devastated she was by those words. “I wish that it had been. You have no idea how much I wish I could erase those terrible memories for you. I’d give up my life right now if I could. I’m so sorry. I’m so terribly sorry, my pretty little girl.”

             
When she used the pet name, I’d almost forgotten about, nothing could stop my tears. They’d been too many years in the making. No amount of clenched fists or bitten lip would ever control them.

             
But once they began, it was like a weight being taken away from me. I felt almost lighthearted.

             
My mother took a hesitant step closer uncertain how to treat me. I watched her hesitation and made the decision for the both of us. I closed the space between us in an instant and she was in my arms. I was the one holding her.

             
This was my mother. Not the woman I’d left in the past. By forcing me to come here today, Jackson had given me back my mother.

             
It wasn’t until much later that I realized he’d followed me. Even though, he’d told me he wouldn’t. Jackson later told me he stood just outside the door and listened to make sure I was okay. A short time later, he was joined by my mother’s husband. Apparently, they’d had a nice getting acquainted chat of their own.

             
Jackson popped his head in to tell me that he was taking Fred out to get something to eat. I knew it was just an excuse. He wanted to give my mother and I time. God, I loved that guy.

             
I sat talking with her for hours that day and she told me everything about her life.

             
“You never had any more children, Mom?” I asked her over our third cup of coffee.

             
“No, I wasn’t able to have any more babies. During the bad times when I was using more drugs than my body could handle, with the men who kept me in the drugs, I had a miscarriage. It was so awful. That was when the doctor told me I wouldn’t be able to have any more children. Losing you was hard enough, but losing my baby and being told I’d never have another, well you have no idea how hard that was to survive. I wouldn’t have had it not been for Fred. He’s been wonderful to me. He accepted the fact that I couldn’t have children as a blessing, not an obstacle in our lives. We’ve used the time we have to help other girls in the same situation that I was in back then. It’s been so rewarding. A blessing. Even though I love him with all my heart and I wouldn’t trade the time I’ve had with him for anything, I’ve wanted to see you so badly. I needed to ask your forgiveness. And even if you can never forgive me, I wanted to know that my baby girl was happy. You are, aren’t you, Maggie? You and Jackson. You both seem good for each other.”

             
“I am—we are. Jackson has been my miracle. He’s changed me, made me see things that I’d never considered before. I would never have come here today without him, mom. I owe him so much.”

             
“Me, too.” She hugged me close. “Me, too, my darling daughter.”

             
That was how Jackson and Fred found us. Two grown women crying and hugging each other like little children.

             
The second Fred came into the room there was no doubt in my mind how much he loved my mother or how she felt about him. It was right there in both their eyes for the whole world to see.

             
“Fred, this is my beautiful baby girl, Maggie.” My mother practically beamed at me.

             
I took the hand that Fred offered and looked into those clear honest eyes of his and said, “Actually, it’s Mary Margaret. I’d just forgotten how much I’ve always loved that name, mom. How special I felt when you called me that. Like the most important kid in the world.

             
I figured Fred had to be a good ten years older than my mother, with a head full of graying brown hair. He stood tall, straight, and reliable like any pastor should. I could see him in the pulpit each Sunday preaching the word of God and meaning every single word of it.

             
I hated to leave my mother that day. It was as if after finding her again, I was afraid this would all turn out to be nothing more than a dream for me. That I’d wake up that frightened little girl again, secretly wishing for her mother.

             
“You’ll come have dinner with us tomorrow won’t you, Mary Margaret? Please say yes, Jackson? And then maybe you’ll come to church on Sunday and listen to Fred speak? We’d be so happy to have you. You could stay here if you like? We have a little guest room. It’s nothing fancy, but we’d loved to have you two.”

             
Jackson turned to me wanting only to make me happy and I smiled at him. “I’d love to,” I said as much to him as to my mother.

             
“Good, I was hoping you’d say that” he turned to my mom to give her a hug. “Looks like its all set.”

             
“You sure you don’t want to stay here tonight?” she asked me tentatively, but I shook my head.

             
“No, I have a closet full of presents to open tonight. And I can’t wait to see what all I got.”

             
Jackson looked at me without a clue as to what I was talking about and I only shook my head. I’d explain it all to him later. M mother understood. She smiled and kissed me and nodded. Yeah, she understood.

             
I was so excited that night that I think I could have floated all the way to my grandmother’s house. Poor Jackson was finding it hard to watch the road ahead because I kept kissing and hugging him. I don’t think he really minded too much.

             
“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I kept repeating that sentiment over and over. H smiled that little smile of his.

             
“Does this mean I’m forgiven for plotting against you?”

             
“I would forgive you just about anything right now, Mr. Riley.”

             
He was thrilled. “So are you going to tell me what all this gift thing is about, little bit?”

             
“No, but I will show you.” And I did. When we got back to Gran’s place, I took him to the hall closet down from my grandmother’s room. It was filled with presents.

             
“These are all gifts from my mom and later from mom and Fred. I think there’s about fifteen years worth of gifts in here. You want to help me open them?”

             
It was his turn to be amazed. “Okay, hold up, first let me make some coffee and then let’s see if we can put them in some sort of order. But you, Miss Monroe are going to have to open them all by yourself. After all, they’re your presents.”

             
I sat on the floor of my grandmother’s living room, waiting very impatiently for Jackson to bring me coffee.

             
My grandmother, bless her heart had put dates on every single one of those gifts. I believe that somewhere in the back of her mind she always believed this day would come. I’d open them just the way that she believed that I would.

             
“Okay, little bit, this one says:
Maggie’s tenth Christmas,
I thought you were still with your mom at that time?”

             
“No, that must have been right after mom came home and tried to convince me to come live with her again.” I ripped open the package to find exactly what I’d wished for that year. I’d been heavy into Barbies at that time. The little lady in my hands had been the latest and coolest Barbie. I remember how disappointed I’d been to get another type of doll from Gran. Now I understood.

             
“You have no idea how much I prayed Santa would bring me this doll that year. And I’d thought, well, that Gran just hadn’t understood enough to convey all that to Santa.”