The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (6 page)

Take a Tour

You don't need to be able to move or to control your movements to take a tour of your anatomy. If you are lying down with your eyes closed, no one will even know you are awake. All you have to do is devote some time to focusing on one part of your body through your thoughts and your breath. Try not to make this "one more thing that you are required to do in life." Stop whenever you need to. Even five minutes can be used productively.

Start by doing some of the breathing that we talked about earlier. Then choose a part of your body to focus on. It doesn't have to be a part that you identify as sexual. Pick an area that doesn't usually cause you pain, or, if you have pain all over, an area where the pain is less intense or frequent. As you begin to focus on this part of your body, thoughts may float into your head. You may remember things that have been said about that part of your body, or the way it has been touched in the past (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral). Either give yourself permission to think of these thoughts, or put them aside and return to your breathing and your focus.

Imagine that with each inhalation you are sending your breath to this part of your body. After a while, you will notice that you are perceiving this part differently—it might seem bigger than usual, or tingling. If it is a spot where you have no sensation, concentrate on what it looks like, or imagine a string that connects it to somewhere that you have sensation, and that as you are breathing in, the string tugs on the other part. If you imagine your breath has a color that you are sending to that part of the body, a warm color (red, yellow, or orange) may lead to a warm feeling in the area, and a cooler color (blue, green, lilac) might make it feel cooler.

If possible touch that part of your body, with your hand or with something hooked up to an assistive device (back-scratcher, feather

duster, soft piece of cloth), or direct a partner to touch you there. You may be able to move that body part against a pillow, a book, the edge of something. If you are sitting in front of a fan or a window, pay attention to how the breeze feels. If you can use your hands, try different kinds of touch, firm and light; use fingertips or the palm of your hand; a dry or wet finger; circular or linear motions. You may be able to use your tongue to explore your lips, gums, and the roof of your mouth.

Pay attention to how these things feel (pleasurable, sexual, uncomfortable?) and also to what you are learning about how that part of your body is put together—what is its shape? Lumpy or smooth, hard or soft, ridged or flat?

We suggest you approach your whole body this way. Find things that work for you, whether they be sight, smell, touch, or feelings of different levels of heat in various body parts. Don't avoid the parts that you have learned to think of as ugly.

In the following sections we will describe the parts of your body usually thought of as sexual. We happen to think many more parts are sexual, but you don't need us to tell you what a finger is, or an ear. The parts of our bodies that have been labeled "sexual" have been much more mystified.

As you are exploring your body, you may notice that the edges of things may be more sensitive—like the skin surrounding your nostrils, the sides of your fingers, the borders of your armpits, the areas right next to where you have no sensation. In addition, some people find that areas where they have no sensation of touch may respond to more direct pressure.

Also remember that just because a part of your body gets touched a lot (like your head against a headrest) doesn't mean that you can't experience touch to that part of you in a very different and sexual way.

Breast/Nipples

Many women like to explore the sensations of having their breasts or nipples touched. Fewer men do so. For some heterosexual men, breasts are so strongly identified as feminine that the idea of having their breast

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or nipples played with stirs up concerns about their sexual orientation. (We promise that if you are a straight man and you want to find out if your breasts/nipples are sensitive, it won't make you gay!)

Our culture places tremendous emphasis on how breasts look, rather than how they feel. Although we want you to look at your breasts, with a mirror or by looking down at them, we suggest you focus more on how they feel. You may notice variation in skin sensations over different parts of your breasts, as well as between light and firm touch, licking, squeezing, or pinching.

The nipple is a bump right in the middle of the breast. It has a small opening for milk to come out of. The size and shape of nipples vary widely—some look like pencil erasers, others are flat. Nipples have vessels inside that fill up with blood when we become sexually excited or when we feel cold. This makes them hard, the same way a penis gets an erection. Many people, but not all, crave nipple stimulation. Some enjoy a light touch while others like to have their nipples sucked on, twisted, pinched, or pulled.

The darker area around your nipple is called the areola. It may have some bumps around the edge. The skin of your areola may feel different to the touch from the skin of the rest of your breasts.

Breasts, in both men and women, are a combination of fat and milk-producing tissues. Men have very little milk-producing tissue. Some medications may cause an increase in this tissue. Women who have been pregnant (especially those who have breastfed) may find that a bit of milk seeps out of their nipples when their breasts are played with.

Touch your nipples with a dry finger and then a wet one. What does it feel like to squeeze it or pull on it?

Vulva (Clitoris/Labia/Urethral Opening/Vaginal Opening)

We encourage any woman reading this to find a way to look at her vulva. You may be able to hold a mirror between your legs with one hand and spread your labia apart with your other hand and look. Many doctors who do pelvic exams have mirrors for patients to use and will provide a "guided tour" of the area.

labia majora

labia minora

perineum

mons veneris

clitoris

urethral opening

vaginal opening

anus

Illustration 2. Female Anatomy, External

Pubic hair often covers a triangular area. The top part is called the mons veneris, the lower parts are thick folds of skin called the labia majora (this just means "big lips" in Latin). The insides of the labia majora are usually pink and can be smooth or a bit ridged.

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In between the labia majora is another set of skin folds called the labia minora ("little lips"). These are much thinner and more flexible than the labia majora and they have more blood vessels and nerve endings. When a woman is sexually excited the labia turn a darker color and may get thicker.

These lips come together at the top into a little hood that covers the clitoris. The external part of the clitoris (and that until recently was thought to be the whole thing) sits under the top of the labia minora. This is the tip of the clitoris, which is often less than an inch long but can be longer. It is made mainly of erectile tissue, spongy bodies that can fill up with blood, making it firmer and larger. Some people have more sensation in one part of the clitoris. If you are using your fingers to explore this area, start gently and use a lubricated finger. What you won't be able to directly feel or see is that the clitoris extends into the body and down in two roots to either side of the vagina. All of this can swell when sexually stimulated.

When a woman becomes sexually stimulated her clitoris becomes hard. Some women describe a throbbing feeling, while others say that as the clitoris becomes erect it gets more sensitive to touch. As it gets bigger, it may poke out from under its hood. Just before orgasm, the clitoris may pull back further under the hood. During orgasm the clitoris may pulsate or twitch.

Erectile tissue also surrounds the urethral opening (the hole women pee out of). To the sides of the vaginal opening are the greater vestibular glands (Bartholin's glands), which make a small amount of lubricating fluid. You won't be able to see these glands and usually they can't be felt.

Urethral Sponge (G-Spot)

A number of glands surround the urethra between the bladder and the urethral opening. Fluid is produced in these glands and may be released into the urethra during orgasm. This clear fluid then squirts out of the urethra. Some women make enough fluid that they notice it, even to the extent that it is similar to ejaculation in men. Many also find that they have a sensitive spot inside the vaginal opening that can be stimulated

LOOKING FOR YOUR G-SPOT

If you want to find for your G-spot here are a few steps that might work for you.

First, get turned on. It is easier to find your G-spot if you are already aroused because, as with most people, when you get turned on your G-spot becomes full of fluid and is a little bigger and firmer to the touch. Next, get into a position that makes it easiest for you or a partner to put a finger (a sex toy will work just as well) in your vagina and feel toward the front wall, as if you are touching toward your belly button. The G-spot is less than two inches inside your vagina and toward your belly. If you are using a toy it's best to get something that is either curved specifically for G-spot stimulation, or that is firm and won't bend when you insert it. If you are using a finger, when you insert it make a sort of "come hither" motion with your finger (curving it). The G-spot feels like a small, firmer spot; people say it's anywhere from the size of a dime to a quarter. You may actually feel the tissue itself, or you may feel the effects of it being stimulated.

and that then swells and gives a different sensation during orgasm. This area, on the front of the vaginal wall, is called the G-spot (after Ernst Grafenberg, who described it in 1950). "Finding" your G-spot isn't always easy or even possible. Even if you have full use of your arms, hands, and legs, sticking a couple of fingers into your vagina and past the pubic bone might require longer fingers or more flexible hips than most of us have. Still, sticking your fingers into your vagina and feeling around can be highly instructive even if you don't encounter your G-spot. Keep in mind, the G-spot is not some magical ticket to mind-blowing orgasms. Rather, it's just another part of your body that may or may not feel good when stimulated. If you can't reach, a dildo, an insertable vibrator, or a willing partner can help.

Vagina/Cervix/Uterus

The vagina is a tube that is lined with membranes similar to those in the mouth; unlike the mouth, it tends to be ridged or bumpy Most of the nerve cells in the vagina are located in the outer third. The vagina is usually collapsed, with little space between the walls. It's self-lubricating and is typically a little wet with fluids. When sexually aroused

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fallopian tube

uterus

bladder

clitoris

ovary

cervix

vagina

rectum

anus

pc muscle

inner clitoral body

Illustration 3. Female Anatomy, Internal