The Utterly Uninteresting and Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant (9 page)

3.

Bubba bellowed out a powerful “NO!” and leapt forward. Before he had taken two steps, one of the dracolings touched his shoulder and Bubba dropped to the ground in wild spasms. Krystal . . . well, there’s no other way to say it . . . . Krystal growled gutturally and leapt to Bubba’s shaking side. The other dracoling pulled Morgan away and stood between him and a now clearly pissed-off Krystal. Albert, meanwhile, let out a squeak and dropped from his chair to hide under the table. I desperately wanted to follow suit, but a part of me was screaming that if I dropped down and didn’t keep my eyes trained on the altercation, there was a very good chance I would soon be single again. I knew I was physically stronger than everyone else in the room, but that didn’t mean much when just the yelling was making me feel skittish.

It was Morgan who broke the silence: “Enforcer Jenkins, given Mr. Emerson’s outburst and the sudden commotion, I am willing to acquiesce that I may not have heard you correctly. Would you be so kind as to repeat yourself?”

“I demand the right to challenge for the debt of Bubba Emerson,” Krystal said softly as she held Bubba’s shoulder while his twitching subsided.

“Acknowledged,” Morgan said. “You are aware that, as a woman, you are ineligible to challenge in our traditional manner?”

“I am,” Krystal agreed.

“Then we shall conduct the match using our secondary method. You may follow me,” Morgan said, straightening his suit and not quite hiding the greedy glint in his eye.

“I request our stakes be held in escrow,” Krystal said, rising slowly from Bubba’s side.

Morgan nodded. “That is your right as well. Bubba Emerson shall stay with your attendants, but they shall remain within this casino. Are those conditions acceptable?”

“They are,” Krystal said. “I will instruct my attendants on the handling of our stakes, and then we may begin the match.”

“Acceptable.” Morgan took a step back and waited against the wall. His attendants followed his cue, leaving the massive, dropped body of Bubba alone in the center of the floor.

Krystal hurried over to me. “This shouldn’t take long, so as soon as Bubba wakes up, get him down to the restaurant. That shock will have taken a lot out of him, so get some food in him fast. I should be able to join you guys within the hour.”

“I would very much like to be told what is going on,” I said in a hushed whisper.

“I know, sweetie,” Krystal said kindly. “And Bubba will fill in the gaps when he comes around. Just have some faith that I know what I’m doing till then, okay?”

“Of course. We’ll take care of him, but please join us soon.”

“No problem,” she said with her usual, confident grin. It was picture perfect, the heartwarmingly familiar image of Krystal about to lay waste to some unsuspecting fool who had dared to take her on. If only I hadn’t heard her heart rate jump, or smelled the surge of fear that ran through her, I might have been able to be comforted.

Sometimes being a vampire really blows.

4.

“It’s an ancient rite,” Bubba said as he began doing considerable damage to the steak that was resting innocently in front of him. I had hauled Bubba downstairs and found shelter in one of the buffets. It had taken him half an hour to come around, and as soon as he did, he had leapt up and sworn he would tear Morgan limb from limb. After that it took us another ten minutes to calm him down somewhat when he realized Krystal had gone through with the challenge. Once we finally convinced him it was happening, he’d agreed to fill in Albert and me, but only after visiting the buffet table.

“Basically,” Bubba continued, “those who are equal or better to the one enslaved may challenge for the ownership of the debt. If the challenger wins, they get the debt and the slave is either set free or serves ’em. If the dracolings win, the challenger is assigned a debt equal to the original slave’s, and they get enslaved, too.”

“So, Krystal just put her freedom on the line for you?” I had known something was up, but I had never imagined it went this deep.

“Yup,” Bubba said. “Which is why you shoulda stopped her, dammit
!
I didn’t call her down here to get caught up in my mess. I just wanted to say goodbye to someone who mattered, and that’s a short list.”

“I didn’t know.” Even to my ears, it seemed a lame defense. “Besides, have you ever seen anyone stop Krystal from doing something she was set on? Ever?”

“Well . . .  no,” Bubba admitted. “But that don’t mean you can’t try.”

“I’m sorry.” Albert was fidgeting with the pile of peas on his plate, not making eye contact with either of us. “Krystal had said how cunning they were, and when things got bad, I just panicked. I should have tried to stop her, too.”

There was something oddly disarming about Albert’s apology. It brought how helpless we had all truly been into glaring light.

“It ain’t your fault,” Bubba said. “If it’s anybody’s fault, it’s mine. I know that girl. I should have known she’d pull something crazy like this the minute I got her involved. I was being a self-absorbed jackass, and now she’s in danger.”

“What kind of danger?” I asked. “All they said was something about a match. What’s happening right now, anyway?”

“Dracolings are big on tradition,” Bubba said. “So they only have two forms of trials. Since Krystal’s a girl, she’ll be doing the one for those they don’t consider to be warriors. They’re playing a game of chess right now.”

“Chess? That’s it? I thought she’d be fighting a bear with a stick or something, from how serious everyone was,” I said.

“I think I’d rather she was fighting the bear. At least then we’d know she’d be okay.”

“Yeah, Krystal would come back with a new rug.” Albert chuckled. It was pretty hard to imagine anything, animal or otherwise, getting the best of Krystal in a fight.

“So . . . what if she loses?” I didn’t want to ask, but it seemed pointless to ignore the possibility.

“If she loses, she becomes bound to them, something they own. That means she works for them, does whatever they say, and is susceptible to their magic,” Bubba told us.

“Is that what they did to you earlier?” Albert asked.

“Yeah, the fuckers could have just frozen me in my tracks, but dropping me like a sack of rotten potatoes is also an option they have,” Bubba said.

“Why would they take the bet, though? As an Agent, Krystal has training, experience, and cunning. Plus, she hung out with the chess team in high school. Doesn’t that seem like a bad bet to the dracolings?” I asked, though I didn’t bother explaining the point of how I knew she had hung with the chess team in high school. I did say we once ran in similar social circles, after all.

“Dracolings take all kinds of bets, usually because they have an ace up their sleeve,” Bubba said. “I promise you whoever she’s playing is a chess master. That aside, if she loses that means they own an Agent. Dracolings love power, connections, and leverage. Having someone they own in the Agency is a payoff they couldn’t pass up the chance on—forget the odds.”

“So, they think they can win,” I said.

“They
know
they can win. They always know they can win. That certainty is probably their only weakness. The only way to beat them is to come totally out of left field.”

“If anyone can do that, Krystal can,” Albert said with force.

“Damn right,” Bubba agreed.

“She is something amazing,” I said. “How did you two meet, anyway?”

“I lost my parents when I was young and fell in with a couple of rough kids from the neighborhood. Weresteeds don’t get much respect from the outset in the supernatural community, and I was kind of an exceptional case even in that regard,” Bubba told us.

“Weresteed?” Albert asked.

“Yeah, I turn into a horse.”

“Okay, hang on,” I said. “I sort of get the werewolves thing. But horses? How does that even work? Horses don’t bite people. Where would werehorses have originally come from?”

“Weresteeds.” Bubba’s tone was surprisingly firm as he corrected me. “And no, we don’t bite people. It’s passed on through lineage like lots of other kinds of supernatural abilities. As for where we came from, I have no idea.”

“You don’t?” I asked.

“Do you know how vampires were created?” Bubba shot back.

“I suppose I don’t, actually.”

“Exactly. Parahumans ain’t that special. We get to wonder about the origins of our kind just like the humans do. Maybe some of the really old ones might have an inklin’ or two, but if anyone knows for sure, they ain’t talking.”

“I guess that does make sense.” I said.

“I know where I came from,” Albert announced.

“You know the source and details of the magic that pumps through your body, keeping your undead but moving?” Bubba asked.

“Oh . . . no,” Albert said.

“You see what I mean,” Bubba said, polishing off the last of his steak. “Anyway, the point was that weresteeds don’t get much respect, so I was working triple hard to make a street name for myself. I got busted one night, and Krystal was the one they sent down to deal with me. Instead of just beating me down, or putting me in a cage, she took an interest in me. She got me a part-time job, found me a real place to stay, and helped get me on my feet. If not for Krystal, I’d still be some idiot kid on the streets.”

“That’s pretty ama . . . zi . . . ” I trailed off as a familiar scent hit my nostrils. Within moments I had picked out the footsteps that corresponded to the smell I’d noted and could tell they were coming toward us. “Company,” I said. Albert stiffened, and Bubba cracked his knuckles.

The dracoling, one of Morgan’s nameless attendants, glided up to our table showing no surprise that we were waiting for him.

“Gentlemen, if you will accompany me to the conference room. The match is done, and it is time for the winner to claim their prize.” With that the dracoling turned and began heading out of the restaurant.

“Do we go?” Albert asked.

“No option,” Bubba said as he finished a long draw of tea from his glass. “You heard him. It’s time to settle up. Let’s just hope things came out in our favor.”

5.

Filtering back into the room felt odd. Things had been so hurried and wild when we left, yet when we entered the room, it was quiet and calm. Morgan and his attendants sat on the same side of the table, hands crossed and neutral expressions on their faces. The only blatant difference in the room was that Krystal was sitting on the same side of the table as the dracolings. Before I smelled her, before I heard her heartbeat, before I even saw her face, that fact alone told me all I needed to know.

“You lost,” I said simply. I hadn’t even made it to my chair. Albert, Bubba, and I were still near the door. I probably should have just walked in and taken a seat. I know I should have let Bubba do all the talking since he was already in deep. But I didn’t. Instead, I blurted out those words because I didn’t want to dance around the truth. I needed to know, right then and right there, standing by that doorway.

“Perceptive,” Morgan said. “But not surprising for one of your ilk. Yes, Enforcer Jenkins did not triumph in her match and is now one of my belongings.”

The word “belongings” grated against something inside of me. I couldn’t tell you what it was because it felt raw and hard, and those were things I wasn’t accustomed to discovering in myself. Bubba apparently echoed my sentiment, though, as I heard his knuckles crack behind me.

“Now, now, no need for posturing,” Morgan said with a slimy smile. “Mr. Emerson is already under our power, and while you two gentlemen do possess more physical strength than us, I think you will find Enforcer Jenkins and Mr. Emerson harmed quite brutally should you attempt to escalate our little confrontation.”

I could feel Bubba’s tense body slacken. I doubted he had any concern for his own safety, but if they were going to hurt Krystal, then he wouldn’t fight back. As for me, the idea of throwing a fit hadn’t even occurred to me. I had an entirely different backup plan ready for this situation.

“I demand the right to challenge for the debt of Krystal Jenkins and Bubba Emerson,” I stated loudly.

Hell didn’t really break loose this time. Krystal did gasp, and Bubba seemed a touch surprised, but the dracolings only laughed at me.

“You are a silly little vampire, aren’t you?” Morgan asked. “First off, you are not an Agent nor a knight, so you have no rights to challenge. Secondly, you cannot challenge for the debt of two slaves. One warrior, one slave—that is the way the bets are structured.”

“What if he doubled up?” Albert said.

Morgan raised an eyebrow. “Explain.”

“Fred will bet his freedom . . . and mine. It will be one battle, but if he wins, he gets both slaves. If you win, then you get two new slaves. The rules are the same. We’re just raising the stakes,” Albert said, not without some hesitation
.

“You can’t do that,” I whispered.

“And you can? Fred, if I can’t work for you, then they’ll put me back in the ground anyway. You doing this is an unlife or death bet for me regardless. At least like this maybe they’ll take it.
”

“You gentlemen are aware we can hear you, correct?” Morgan asked. “And while I do find the raising of stakes acceptable, I still have no reason to take the bet. Neither of you can demand a challenge, so it must be agreed on to be accepted. Yes, gaining two undead servants would have some use to us, but nowhere near as great as ownership of an Agent. The potential gain is simply not great enough to justify the potential loss.”

“Well, if it sweetens the pot any, I do own my own accounting agency. Maybe I could be used to help with the books,” I said in desperation. It was a stupid long shot. I was under no illusions that the dracolings would actually find a vampire a more desirable bet because he was an accountant.

As it turned out, I was dead wrong in that assumption. It was like I’d jolted each of the dracolings with electricity, the way they reacted when I mentioned the word “accounting.”

“You are . . . an accountant?” Morgan asked
.

“Um, yes. I run my own business out of my apartment, and I do pretty good work,” I said.

“Do you know how difficult it is to find a parahuman that is both capable and willing to balance books?” Morgan asked me again.

“I’m sure there are plenty of humans who are glad for the work,” I said.

“Humans, bah!” Morgan said. “Due to secrecy agreements in our treaties, we can never reveal to them what we are, so any expenses incurred that relate to our nature must be hidden from them, forcing us to do the work ourselves.”

“So, if you won Fred, you wouldn’t have to do that anymore,” Albert said. “You would finally have a parahuman who could all of the numbers work for you.”

“Indeed,” Morgan said. “May I ask your full name, vampire?”

“Fredrick Frankford Fletcher
.”

“Well, Mr. Fletcher, in light of your occupation, I will admit that I do find this bet to be enticing,” Morgan said. “It is accepted; however, our champion is currently out of the casino this evening. Would you be willing to wait until tomorrow morning to have your match?”

“How are they out of the casino?” I asked. “Krystal just had her match.”

Morgan chuckled. “Mr. Fletcher, Enforcer Jenkins had a match with me, which was a game of chess. It is the trial used for women, since they are not strong enough to endure a man’s trial. As a man, you will of course be doing battle in our traditional form.”

Krystal had warned me they were stuck in the past. “Wait, so I won’t be playing chess?” I’d been something of a chess champion in my youth, and I still played online to keep my mind fresh. I had been certain I could handle anything some dracoling could throw at me on the checked battlefield. If that wasn’t the contest, though, my confidence was somewhat lower. And by “somewhat,” I mean “extremely.”

“You will do battle with our champion in the manner of the only true adversaries that our dragon ancestors ever faced. Of all the menaces in the land, only knights conducted themselves with the honor, strength, and determination that allowed our ancestors to acknowledge them as worthy warrior combatants. As such, since we dracolings cannot do battle in the way of the dragons, our trial is the one that the knights themselves used,” Morgan said.

“Okay, so just so we’re all on the same page here, what did I just sign up for?” I asked.

“At tomorrow morning you will be battling our champion in a joust,” Morgan said. “You may have access to our stables and equipment until then to prepare as needed. You also may use any steed on the premises, with of course the exception of the grey mare that our champion rides. Be in the stables at seven sharp ready to compete.”

“What about Krystal? Do we get to keep her in escrow?”

“You have no more neutral parties to entrust her to. All of you are involved in this wager,” Morgan said. “Therefore, she will stay at my casino under my attendant’s watchful eye. Since Mr. Emerson’s debt is still in question, our previous agreement to escrow remains valid, and he may stay with you. See you in the morning, Mr. Fletcher.” With that he gave us a wave toward the door. I looked at Krystal before turning around, something I hadn’t dared to do the entire time I had spoken with Morgan, for fear she would somehow talk me out of it.

When I did meet her eyes at last, I was nearly knocked back. Her eyes were all but screaming at me, her face contorted in frustration as she tried to communicate. I had known Krystal for a long time in my youth, and I had seen much of her since we reconnected, and I knew one thing for certain. Krystal could have never restrained her mouth if she felt that strongly about something, which only left one option . . . . They had used their magic to render her silent.

Terrified as I was, I turned on my heel and strode out as powerfully as I could. There was no way I would let these bastards know I was shaking in my comfortable brown loafers.