The Velvet Rage (23 page)

Accepting your body as it is may seem like the beginning of the long slide into pot bellies and dimpled thighs. After all, if you don't force yourself to stay on top of it, isn't the natural flow of life toward entropy?

Accepting your body in the present moment isn't about not having fitness goals. It's about loving who you are and how you look right now, no matter what changes you might make in the future. It's about knowing that making changes in your body is a worthwhile hobby, but it isn't going to make you more desirable or loveable.

Sure, a really hot, chiseled body will get you noticed and probably even a date or two. But at the end of the day, it isn't part of the equation of an emotionally satisfying relationship. Once your suitors have taken in the image of your bulging body parts, it all becomes something like wallpaper, taken for granted with each encounter. Look around and notice that gay men with amazing bodies don't have more successful relationships than other gay men. In fact, from where I sit, it seems as if they have far fewer.

Eric was a gorgeous trainer at the gym. This guy had it all—a handsome, boyish face, a massive smooth chest, and a generously endowed crotch. When I would run on the treadmill, I'd notice newcomers to the gym as they walked in the door. It was only a matter of seconds before they saw Eric and did a double take. He was really that stunning.

What was even more amazing about Eric was that unless he was in tip-top shape, having just pumped his muscles to their fullest, he felt embarrassed. He scheduled his personal workouts in the evenings to ensure that he looked his best when he later
went out on the town. If he ever allowed himself to indulge too much and gained a pound or two, he retreated to his apartment after work and hid out until he had lost the extra weight.

You've got to realize that even on a bad day, Eric was as close to an Adonis as a man can be. Yet he could never really see it. He was always focused on how he needed to work on his calf muscles or gain more definition in his abdomen—there was always something about himself that he couldn't accept and needed to change.

Eric may seem a bit freakish, but anyone who has hung out around a gay men's gym knows that he is by no means alone. And while he may be an extreme case, Eric illustrates a problem that plagues large numbers of gay men: a persistent inability to accept their bodies.

The nonacceptance of your body is yet one more expression of the internal shame. The apparent motive for body building is to achieve a beautiful physique; however, the underlying motive is to relieve shame. It's all about making yourself more acceptable and less flawed, and in short, less shameful.

In terms of cultivating authenticity, it is critical to come to terms with your body. It may not be perfect, but it is who you are in the present moment. It represents all the excesses and exercise, displaying the evidence for all to see. Your body doesn't lie.

Not only is body acceptance an important part of authenticity, it is also an important factor in intimate relationships. When you focus on your body and place undue importance on your looks, you naturally attract and gravitate to others who do the same. The most common result of this is relationships that are relatively shallow and short-lived.

Eric's relationships were always with men who were equally stunning. It was plain to see that he rarely took interest in another
gay man unless that man was equally muscled and gorgeous. Eric's photo album of ex-boyfriends looked like the roster of a modeling agency.

The problem with Eric's relationships, however, was that they were usually intense and short-lived. It was only a matter of time before he or his boyfriend-of-the-moment would become bored with the other's body image and would decide to move on to someone else. By the time I met Eric, he was already deep into relationship hopelessness, believing that the best kind of relationship was a one-night stand with no obligations.

Of course, a great body doesn't doom you to bad relationships. It does, however, send a very subtle message to others: “physique is very important to me—maybe even the most important thing—so if you want to be with me, you better have something to offer.” Other men who may be incredibly interesting and emotionally compatible may not meet this criterion, and hence, you never meet them. They, in turn, may just assume that you would never be interested in someone who didn't have a perfect body. The long and short of it is that it can create a scenario that makes it difficult to form a relationship based solely on authenticity and emotional connection.

Visual cues will always be an important component of gay men's sexuality. The important lesson here is that you don't allow yourself to become consumed with achieving ever more erotic visual cues. The path this creates is ultimately lonely and emotionally unfulfilling.

Skill
: When life isn't going as we expect and painful emotions are running high, we often tell ourselves that this feeling will last
forever. Nothing could be further from the truth, as all feelings come and go, wax and wane, over time. Challenge your own thinking that because life isn't pleasant, this unpleasantness is going to last forever. Nothing lasts forever.

Background
: In my training as a psychologist who often works with suicidal patients, I learned early on that suicide is “a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” And while suicide might seem like an indication of an extreme problem, most psychological problems have some component of this same belief that “distress will last forever.” You've never felt the same way about anything or anyone consistently over your life. Your feelings come and go, ebb and flow, changing with the unpredictable and unexpected turns of life. The simple but wise truth is that feelings change—they
always
change.

Dan first came to see me after he was released from the local hospital after a suicide attempt. Dan and his partner had adopted two beautiful children five years earlier, and through a series of events that involved copious amounts of cocaine for both men, the relationship spiraled out of control until the point that Dan was thrown out of the house and slapped with a restraining order so that he could no longer see the children. Dan was understandably despondent and desperate, and feeling no hope of relief, he made a rash, alcohol-enabled decision to take his own life.

During our first session, I asked Dan if he would feel differently about his life if he knew for a fact that within two years, he would be allowed access to his children. “Well, of course I would!” he responded with a look as if I had just asked the world's silliest question. “Then act as if this is true,” I told him. He looked bewildered at my response.

When Dan returned for his next session, he got it. He realized that he had assumed that the chaos in his life would never resolve
and he would always feel this heart-rending distress. But as life always does, it changes; and when it does, so do our feelings. Nothing, but nothing, lasts forever.

 

Skill:
Actively fight the urge to reach out only to people you find physically attractive. A man's physical appearance has virtually nothing to do with who he is on the inside, his values, and what kind of friend he is likely to be.

Background
: When Roger walks into a room, he scans it for men whom he finds attractive. It's not that he's looking to hook up with anyone necessarily, it's just his way. He has a thing for tall, strapping, dark-haired men. When he sees one, he finds a way to strike up a conversation, usually with the intent to hook up.

What Roger doesn't realize is that he looks past a dozen other people, both men and women, who don't fit into his sexual appetite. And while he means no ill, he looks right through them. His eyes communicate a slight boredom, and his conversation is often brief and thoughtless.

Roger's behavior is like that of so many gay men. Over the years, we have trained ourselves to always be on the lookout for men who might be potential sexual partners—even when we aren't actively looking for sex. I've known gay men who've been in committed relationships for years who surround themselves only with other men whom they find attractive.

I remember one Thanksgiving many years ago, I had a large group of friends over to my house for dinner. The day after, I got a call from one of the invitees, Greg, thanking me for dinner. As we talked, he noted that he had attempted to talk to another gay man, Robert, who worked in a similar profession. He attempted several times to start up a conversation, but each time he felt he was at best tolerated and, at worst, ignored. As the evening progressed, it became clear that Robert was interested in someone else at the dinner, a gay man with whom he eventually left.

What Robert never knew was that Greg wasn't interested in him sexually. He was, as it turns out, wanting to tell Robert about a position that had just been vacated in his company. It could have been a nice step forward in Robert's career, but Greg was so put off with Robert's behavior, the conversation never happened.

Later that same day, I spoke with Robert, who seemed oblivious to the fact that he had virtually ignored everyone at the party. When I asked him if he had met Greg, he couldn't remember.

Robert's behavior is not unique. When you start to notice it in yourself, you'll be surprised, maybe even shocked, to discover how often you fail to notice other people around you, especially when you're in the presence of someone you find attractive.

When you use your sexual appetite as a social filter, you miss a great many of the wonderful people who will cross your path. In fact, many of the better friends in your life will be those people with whom there isn't even a trace of sexual attraction.

The lesson here is to remember that when meeting people, you aren't casting a tableau of handsome men for your bedroom. Rather, you are looking for people with whom you find a satisfying emotional connection. These are the people who will fill your life with joy and abundant possibilities.

“Leading” with your sexual prowess is just one of the ways a gay man will start an inauthentic relationship. Within the body lies a man of complex and interesting emotional structure, but this is hidden behind the sexual charge of the moment. Men—and especially gay men—aren't noted for the ability to think rationally once the sexual energy is sparking. In those moments, you are likely to say whatever is necessary to make that person like you in return.

Skill
: Asserting your own ideas is important, but when you do so at the expense of relationships, you hurt yourself and diminish your experience. Before insisting that your way is the right way, ask yourself, How important is it that I be right—and at what cost? Sometimes backing down for the sake of another person's ego is more effective at creating happy relationships than being right or in control.

Background
: Think about it carefully. Why has Judy Garland always had such a loyal and die-hard group of fans, even fifty years after her death? What fueled the behind-the-scenes rage toward Martha Stewart? Why do we still love and remember Elizabeth Taylor? All of these examples have one thing in common: people are sympathetic when they sense humanity in others and are put off when they see nothing but perfection. When you show only perfection, you create anxiety in others and play upon their own insecurities. The darker side of a person often wants to destroy the perfection that makes him or her look bad by comparison.

My client Jeff remodeled a wonderful old home in Key West. He put years into planning every detail of the house, down to the
last fork and saucer in the kitchen. Everything was thought out and purchased specifically for the “look” of the house.

Sometime after the house was finished, he noticed that his friends were increasingly turning down his invitations to stay with him. He found out that they would travel to Key West and stay in a frumpy guesthouse or with another friend whose home wasn't nearly as lavish. He wondered what was really going on.

What Jeff didn't realize was that while people admired his attention to detail, the absolute insistence on perfection made them uncomfortable. It was like trying to spend a relaxing vacation while sleeping in a design museum, and the two were just incompatible. Jeff's perfection made others so nervous that they couldn't maintain things as he wished, so they opted to spend their Florida vacations in more comfortable and relaxed atmospheres.

The façade of perfection is sometimes a defense that the gay man develops during the early years of shame. To ward off and compensate for shame, he puts forth a flawless image. Unfortunately, that practice also distances himself from others. At the end of the day, what other people really connect with is another person's humanity, not his (or her) façade of perfection.

Let others see your mistakes. Be generous in admitting your shortcomings, failings, and social missteps. Be the first to take responsibility for your share of a conflict. If you will practice this consistently, you will find your life filled with loving and supportive people who make your life truly worthwhile.

Skill
: See past the betrayal, anger, and dishonesty in others to find their core innocence. Other people hurt you because they
are hurting. It is extraordinarily rare that anyone acts out of a desire to deliberately hurt another person. Most often when we hurt others, it's because we are acting out of our pain and are being mindless of the well-being of others.

Background
: I can't remember when I first heard the phrase “contempt before investigation,” but it stuck with me as it describes how I sometimes operate in the world. I immediately assume that another person has ill intent toward me when he or she may have no such thing in mind. How many times have I imagined that a friend, lover, business associate, or simply another driver on the road
intentionally
did something to upset me when, in fact, there were other reasons—sometimes really good reasons—for what they did, which had nothing to do with trying to upset me? When I default to ideas of contempt before investigating the true reasons for another person's behavior, I'm almost always wrong. And even if I'm not wrong, such an approach toward others puts me in a foul mood, and only hurts me and diminishes my joy.