The Visitors (24 page)

She did come the next day. Our last day. I tried to get as much done down in the hole before she came because I was not ready one bit to let her go so quickly. I wasnt thinking that way. I don’t know what it was I was exactly thinking. And there she was on the verge of the hole. It was a little after I heard the angelus bell strike in the church steeple across the hill. I blessed myself when I heard it and said a quick prayer for all of us. I knew things had shifted and turned inside out and upside down inside of me like everything in there was bubbling and moving and going mad like a volcano or balls firing across a pool table. I got out of the hole and put on the shirt and we sat and we drank the tea and I was able to eat something but not very much at all. A few bites and I said I was sorry I did not feel so hungry this afternoon. It must be because of the heat I said. She said she had not had a bite to eat since yesterday. The appetite was gone out of her. The heat I said and she nodded. She said the cleary women were happy the way the curtains turned out all right. But it took her a frightfully long time to get them back up and the cleary women were not much help because they were so feeble and what they were mostly good at was bickering with one another. And hannah was very mad at her because she had let her jobs pile up at home and she did not get back there till late in the
evening. She did not pull out the beds and sweep the clouds of dust and balls of fluff and she did not know if she would have time to do it now. She had told the sister that she was going to mend a dress and put a patch in an apron because she was handy with the singer but she did not have the time to do all that now. Then she asked of me would I make her laugh. I made a stupid face. I poked right good fun at people and I poked right good fun at hannah and I am not going to write down here what I said about those people or about her sister but the truth is anyway that I forget. She was laughing and I was laughing and I said we should go for a walk in coughlans field. And we stood and when we walked through the gap into the next small field of clearys we held hands and I could smell exactly who she was and it was a lovely smell. She had lipstick on and that was the only day she wore it and it was very becoming on her but she would be equally very fine without it. And we walked together up the smooth stones into coughlans field. I went up first. She said we should walk by the ditch up toward the furze. And I said I was having a hard time thinking that this was our last day. And she said she felt the same way. And she was not going to leave her sister tomorrow in the best of form but it would give her sister and her brother something to complain about. Hannah would write to tom in england all about it. It would give hannah something to write about apart from the awful heat and that there was no water. And it was cooled down in the shade of the trees. We walked into the tall cow parsley and the hedge parsley and she stopped and touched the wild carrot with the blood red flower in the center. And I pulled her into me. And I put my hands down around her and kissed the side of her face. And down we fell. And we
were laughing when we landed in the weeds and I ran my fingers through the horse hair and pulled her skirt up. My fingers went under her elastic band. And her fingers fumbled with my belt and I got the knickers down to her knees. And our tongues were in our mouths and her hands and my fingers did fine work and I forgot all about the time and the hole and then our panting breaths. We have to stop michael she said and she sat up and fixed her clothing back into place and I sat up and said yes we have to and fixed myself but I am not going to say sorry I said and she said neither was she and when we were going back up the smooth stones at coughlans she turned around and pushed the fringe out of my eyes and she leaned into me and kissed me and the powder from the weeds was stuck to her lips. And it was that that put the stamp on it. That was the very beginning and very end of it. And when we walked back to where the hole was my breath and other parts of me were going mad and I felt my heart was the biggest now it will ever be. Every day after this the heart will shrink and shrink and turn into one of those punctured and wrinkled footballs that the young fellows fling into the ditch because its of no use to anyone. A punctured and wrinkled thing that an old sheepdog will come and chew on and dribble on and piss on. That the centipedes will lay their eggs in. That will harden like a rock and be frozen by ice in the months of winter. That will be smothered in spring and summer with the sharp grass and the thistles and the docleaves. That the wasps will build in and raise wasps in.

She gathered up the tea things and I could still hear her tears. And my heart was still swollen. And I clenched my fists to my sides and kept looking at her. And she had all the things gathered up and she stood there staring at
me and her eyes still wet and I was about to go over to her but she put her hand out. I don’t know what to do I said. I don’t want to go back down this hole. You have to go she said. We have other people to think about she said. And I had nicely forgotten it. The other people to think about. Like you can’t ever shut them out like when I shut the shed door behind me at night. I have someone in dublin she said. Im great with him for a while she said. Im engaged to Nora madden I said. Engaged with a while I said. I know she said. Hannah told me she said. She told me a million times she said. I don’t think Im too happy anymore Tess but I have never been so happy in my life and I will never forget you as long as I live I said. I wont forget you michael she said but I have to go in and finish a few things at clearys and face hannah again and I have to pack my bags for the train tomorrow. And I have to go back down this hole and now that I know what it is and what I might have done I hope I will never come back out of it I said. You will come back up out of it she said.

Thirty five days since she died. More than a touch of autumn in the breeze this evening. I clanged the shed door shut. Tom was by this evening and we went for a walk. Kevin and some other few young lads out of the road kicking the football and I told them to be careful with the cars coming around the bend getting faster every year it looks like. Nora shouted out at him to put on his jumper or hed get his death of cold. Listen to your mother I said to him and he went in immediately. Nora came out then and asked tom if he wanted a cup of tea and he said they were just after it at home. Decided we would walk the road and not go into the fields. A few showers of rain earlier and the fields would have been wet. Had to leave the job I was doing early. Was hoping
to be finished with it this week but that will not happen. Was walking the road for a bit and who did we run into but daly on his bicycle. He was on his way back from the junction and was in a very good mood as he always is. He shoved his hand down his pocket and counted out the money and handed it to tom. Then went on about people he saw over at the junction. Some holdup with the dublin train being late. A tree fell down on the tracks. He said to tom he remembers his young sister getting off the morning train on the Monday of the second week of July. The lord have mercy on her soul he said. Daly said another few words. He was looking at me and I was looking at him and then away from him. I remember him down in the mines talking about her. Making remarks about how grand she was but hes not the sort to do no more than talk. All talk with him. And I was not in the mood to be listening to him at all but you have to pass people off around here or god knows the things they’ll make up about you that might alltold be true. About ten minutes after he left and we back to the walking. Tom says to me out of the blue it was not an accident at all. The young sister he said. Not an accident he said. She was in a bad way for a while he said. The nerves mad at her he said. Eating away at her he said. Didn’t I think when she was here this summer that she was odder than usual he said. She spent nearly the full week in the sitting room where the mrs put up the bed for her. It was in the telegram he said. We dont know who posted it at all he said. But whoever did wanted the truth to be aired he said. They had their mission and they didn’t keep their mission to themselves he said. Bringing trouble on people is what they were up to if you ask me he said. I don’t want to know anything about them he said. Wanted her
buried there and everything he said. Said they would look after all of it he said. Said there was her real home and not here he said. Said she wanted to rest there he said. God forgive all of us he said. God forgive me he said. I said nothing because there was a choking inside of him and we went on walking. God forgive me he said one more time. And the choking still in him. And we went on walking. He took out a hanky and ran it about his mouth and his eyes. We went on walking. When I have the job done at walshes ill have the rest of the money I said. Tom nodded and we walked the rest of journey to the cross without saying anything more. He kept the hanky out and he kept swiping it at his face. Sure what can you do he said at the cross. I didn’t say a word. I did not look at him. I could hardly wait for him to go away so that I could be with myself. He went his way without saying another word and not looking at me at all and I stood for a while and watched after him before I turned toward home. But I didn’t go home immediately. I walked into cahills big field that at one time was owned by the lennons. It runs by the roadside and around the cross. I sat underneath one of the big elms. It was cold enough and the cows were out in the grass. The grass was dying. No more of it would grow again till the spring. The ground was getting cold. The ground was getting ready to go to sleep for the winter. I heard voices far away. Farmers talking in a haybarn or a cowshed. The voices died away after a few minutes and I was more than thankful. Thankful to be on my own. And the night was falling down on top of me like time falls down on top of you and I squeezed my eyes shut and for the first time I could see her walking down a Dublin street. I could see her stepping up steps with the umbrella open. Shaking
the raindrops from the umbrella. I could hear the click of her fine sharp heels. On top of my thighs and my belly and across my back and my fat hairy arse. And I could see her buttoning up a raincoat. Turning a key and pushing in the tired out door of the house she lived in. I could see all that like the gift was given to me there and then. And I could see her having a chat with her friends. That she liked it when people liked her. That she thrived. That she might live. That she might live. That the people you love might live. That you might love the people you live with. That it all might be different. That the world might not be the way you fashioned it. That she and me might be like we once was. That you could have those three days back. That we might be like that first time we was when I found there was someone else in the world apart from myself. I could see that smile at the corner of her mouth. A smudge of lipstick on fine teeth. I could see her picking up the post from a table when she got inside her door. I could see her waiting for a bus to take her to someplace I don’t know and will never be to. She holding the purse in front of her. Her head bowed and the horse hair falling over her face. I could see her taking her shoes off at night and sitting before a mirror and brushing her hair. I could see her standing at the sink washing under her arms with a sponge. I could smell the sour armpits. The smell I first smelled in coughlans field. Washing the tits until the nipples were pebbles. Streams of water running down her thick sides and onto the floor. And she rubbing the sponge up and down over her lumpy navel and the sponge going around and down the crack of her arse to her lovely hole. I could see all that. The gift was in me. And I stood up from the tree and crossed the ditch and walked down the road home and the young lads
were still playing football and when kevin saw me coming he waved. He was running and laughing along the road. He was dancing in the air around him. It was very close to dark and his hand going into the air and he called me and I held my hand up to him and did my best to smile but he would have seen no smile anyway me being far away and it being close to dark.

And that night no word would come to me. The next night no word would come to me. The night after that no word came. The night after that one no word came to me and I walked out to the docleaves behind the leanto and relieved myself and when I came back in I pushed the chair back and put my head on the desk. Fell sound asleep squeezing the biro for dear life in my hand. It was so long since I slept and she came to me. She was there like when she stood at the verge of that hole the summer I dug the well up at clearys. And the heart so big then. She was wearing a new dress. The color of it was gray but it was a light gray and not a sad gray and she did not look sad at all. And she says to me sorry michael it took me so long to come to visit you. And I said what did all that time and all those years matter as long as you are here now. My life was shorter than a minute she said. I cant believe how fast it all went by she said. You were looking after people I said. You looked after so many people I said. I kept myself very busy she said. You never nursed the sickest of all I said but my life is still going and the children are getting older I said. I never met them at all but I saw them at the distance at mass she said. The eldest girl and the eldest boy look like you in the face she said. They can face the world she said. So they all say to me I said and I have no idea how the children are going to turn out or where they will end up but like so many
born around here they will end up not here. Life is the devil I said. A pigs house I said. Only sometimes it is she said. You would know better than I would I said. In spite of all my misery I look at the children sometimes and have this blow of happiness I said. Like a bony fist to the jaw I said. I look at Nora and think what a devil ive been and how little room I kept for her in my heart and how to be truthful I blamed her for things that were my own doing. I am a coward I said. I am and I know it I said. And there is no other word for it I said. How was your life I said. I enjoyed much of it she said. But things got to me in a bad way at times she said. I saw some few men and I enjoyed them. But I worked very hard in the hospital she said. You looked after all them sick people and I was always very proud of you I said. In the end I put everything I had into the work she said. Work was the only thing that worked for me she said. I found no other way to manage it she said. It was always hard coming back here but I looked forward to it so much she said. Summers toward the end I didn’t want to come at all she said. But Id see you Michael for those two Sundays in the church porch she said. I was fine then she said. It was great to see that you were still in the world she said. I could stand this world if you were in it she said. I looked forward to it much I said. That’s all life is michael she said. Most of it so easily forgotten. Most of it we are not there at all but I was so glad to see how fine you looked she said. That would keep me going for a long time she said. That would feed my life she said. Feed the heart and feed the soul she said. My friends would say I was a fool and my life is a dream but I would say to them that the dream is fine with me she said. A dream might be all it is she said. Would we have been different if we married
I said. Would we have been happy I said. Would you and me have been different people than the people we turned out to be I said. You can never know she said. How could you know she said. I could never imagine us making each other miserable in any way or shape or form I said. It might have all turned out unbearable she said. It might have been dreadful she said. Don’t say that I said. You know theres no truth to that I said. How can you say that I said. We got to live it the best way of all she said. I want you to think about it that way from now on she said. You and I were the luckiest people of all she said. I want you to remember I told you that she said.