The Way Home (Chasing #3) (23 page)

As if drugged, I tore my lips from hers. Her skin was flushed, and she was breathing hard. Her words haunted me.

What could I have possible done in my miserable life to ever deserve this woman?

“Are you sure this is a war you want to fight?” I asked. She had to know what she was getting into. Without a moment’s hesitation, she nodded her head yes.

“I’m not afraid of the battle, Nate.”

She might not be afraid, but I was… afraid of losing what remained of my heart.

She stepped from my arms and grabbed my hand. She began pulling me along behind her. As we made our way up the hill to the cemetery, a million excuses came to mind. There was still time
.
I could get out of this, but those words refused to pass my lips.

“You can do this,” she urged, as if reading my thoughts.

Her words were meant to encourage, but I paid them no attention. My mind was entirely too focused on what lay beyond those wrought iron gates. Natalie was in there, and so was our child. My whole world was buried in that ground. My eyes flickered to Miley’s right before I allowed her to lead me inside.

This was a big mistake, but for her… I’d try.

“Which way?” she asked, and I took over, leading the way as I recalled my gran’s directions and the description of Natalie’s grave.

A sense of shame overcame me.
In a way, it was almost as if I had deserted her, but how could you desert the dead?
The marker lay straight ahead, at the end of the row near the pear trees by the chain linked fence. Taking a deep breath, I glanced up at the sky and caught sight of a red bird flying overhead… a cardinal. My skin prickled with awareness and broke out in goosebumps.
It wasn’t a damn sign, none of that shit was real.
It was nothing more than a bird, even though considering the possibility of more caused my heartbeat to accelerate.

The sun warmed my face, and squinting against the brightness, I walked toward Natalie’s marker while savoring the small comfort of Miley’s hand in mine.

How could someone so soft and fragile be this strong?

When our eyes met, her lips curved into a half smile. “It’s okay,” she said, and I wanted to believe in those words; however, the doubt was always there, and it was stronger now than ever before.

Would it ever be okay?

Just when there was the remote possibility, a landslide of guilt always managed to bring reality crashing back down.

“
There’s no future in the past.
”

That faint whisper came to me as plain as day, floating on the gentle breeze, drifting along my skin. There was a moment of calmness deep inside me as I stared at Natalie’s name. The statue was fitting; an angel carrying a heart. It seemed significant since Natalie had taken so many hearts along with her the day she left. Here on earth, she’d been my angel, and now she was one in heaven.

“Natalie.” I said her name out loud as I took a step closer.

Etched into the marble heart were two small sheep. At seeing this, something inside of me unraveled. Even though the sun was shining, I suddenly felt cold. My teeth chattered, and I sank to my knees feeling weak. Miley’s hand slipped from mine. There were tears on my cheeks. I wasn’t even aware I was crying. There was this insane urge to hide my face from her, but it was too late; she’d already seen me.

Her arms wrapped around my shoulders. Her body crowded close to mine. Her lips lightly brushed my ear. No one else may ever understand the significance of those sheep, but I did… one was for Natalie and the other for our child.

“You need to let it out. You can’t hold everything in forever, Nate.”

I gritted my teeth trying desperately to smoother the sounds threatening to escape. “I love you. I’m going to take a walk and give you a moment to yourself.”

I couldn’t speak. Instead, I sat in my silence staring at the grave. From out of nowhere, a tingling began to build between my shoulder blades. The hair at the back of my neck prickled in awareness. It was almost as if someone were watching me. In my heart, I knew Natalie was there. The weight of her presence in everything around me; the air I breathed in, the breeze whispering through the tree’s leafy branches high above my head, and in the sun’s warm rays shining down. A red bird had lit upon the statue’s shoulder and sat staring back at me.

“You have to move on.”

That thought resonated deep in my mind, seeping into the essence of my soul. My hands clutched my knees. I needed something to hold onto. I was falling, falling apart. “I can’t,” I whispered out loud, and was thankful at the moment that Miley wasn’t around to hear me. My chest was tight. A tortured groan escaped my lips. I buried my face in my hands as my shoulders shook. Everyone I’d ever loved had been taken from me. My whole life was here, buried in the ground at Blossoming Hills. It hurt to love someone, but it was a bitch to be left behind and left all alone.

Wiping my face, I drew in a deep breath and raised my head. The bird had now been joined by two more, and the three of them were peering back at me. It was crazy, but I knew it was my gran, Natalie, and our child. I half laughed, shaking my head. I wasn’t alone.

There was also the very real possibility that I was finally losing my shit.

“Nate,” Miley called, and I glanced over my shoulder to discover her standing just a few feet behind me.
Damn it, had she been here all along?
I tugged up my shirt, wiping the dampness from my cheeks. I needed to get myself in check.

Hell, I was worse than a woman
.

Before I could stand, Miley sank to her knees beside me, but I didn’t look at her. Instead I drew in another deep breath silently wondering what she was thinking. “You don’t have to hide from me, Nate.” I heard her say.

“The hell I don’t,” I growled. “What kind of man breaks down and bawls like a baby?”

Miley reached, taking one of my hands. Her blue eyes shimmered with emotion. “The kind of man who has loved and has lost. The kind of man who has cared for someone other than himself. The kind of man who has a heart. You have a heart, Nate. You can’t keep it closed off for the rest of your life.”

The hell I can’t.

The depth of her words along with the wounded look in her eyes would have been enough to have brought me to my knees if I wasn’t already there to begin with. This woman had managed to burrow underneath my skin. She was like a drug I craved. I was worse than the junkies I tracked for a living. Worse than the scum I chased down for money, because I knew in the end, when everything was said and done, I’d probably end up breaking her heart. I wasn’t the guy she was looking for. I should have never touched her. Today more than proved that. I wasn’t the man she needed.

I pulled away, stood, and then offered her my hand. “Are we leaving?” she asked, appearing confused.

“Yeah, we are. There’s no need to stay.” I helped her to her feet. There wasn’t anyone here. I glanced at my watch. We needed to pick up Sierra soon.

“They’re always with you, Nate.” I heard her say.

“Yeah,” I agreed, and allowed her hand to slip from mine as I turned from her and walked away.

She was right. They always were… and that was the problem.

THE RIDE WAS
quiet… too damn quiet. It was during times like this that I wished Sierra was here. I could literally hear myself think, and I didn’t like it, not one damn bit. This whole mess was entirely my fault. I was acting like a certifiable dick. The idea of me ever being able to move on was downright ridiculous. There was no way I could ever replace Natalie or my child. There was no way I could ever forget. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel more, not even for Miley or Sierra.

She’d attempted conversation, but I did little more than mumble a few one word replies, sometimes not even answering until she’d finally given up. There was nothing left for us to talk about anyway. My thoughts were entirely too focused on the past. Miley could do better than me, and the thought of her confession still had me reeling. She couldn’t love me. I wasn’t worthy of her trust or worthy of her heart.

Women confused sex with love all of the time. This was just a big misunderstanding. It wouldn’t be long before Miley realized this too. I needed to find out what Ryder Blade was up to, hunt him down, and get this over with. I was getting too attached. Even though the thought of Miley and Sierra eventually moving back to their own place made me want to smash something with my fists, this needed to stop now before it was too late. They weren’t mine to keep.

Sure, Myra and Calvin Hayes had finally cleared their consciences — and at the time, I’d felt relief — but it did damn little to rid me of the truth I’d grown to accept and had learned to live with over the years. The bottom line was I should have been with Natalie that day. If I had been man enough to put my foot down and had insisted on picking her up, she would still be alive and so would our child. It all came down to me. It was always me.
Fuck having a heart if it meant living the life I’d lived since Natalie had passed away
. I’d been deluding myself by getting caught up in playing house with Miley.

This would end.

It had to.

In looks, Natalie and Miley were nothing alike, but Miley, she reminded me of her, that sweetness and headstrong attitude. I liked it when a woman wasn’t afraid to speak her mind or take what she wanted. It was a fucking turn on for me. It was obvious I had a thing for blondes, but I usually tried to steer clear of them if possible. All my fucks were brunettes, except for Natalie, and now Miley. They weren’t even in the same category as the women I casually screwed and there in lay the problem. I needed to return to what I knew, what I was comfortable with. I’d messed with my M.O.

I wouldn’t allow the past a chance to repeat itself once again. I would never be responsible for anyone else or losing someone I loved — never again… no matter how much it may hurt me to let her go… I would let her go. It was only a matter of time.

With that thought, my eyes drifted to Miley. We’d just turned down the long, winding driveway leading to Kara’s house. Miley was sitting quietly, passing the time by staring out the window. Her hands were in her lap. Lost in thought, she appeared to be a million miles away. It would be so easy to reach out and touch her, but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. My hands tightened around the steering wheel as I fought the urge to do just that. The truth of the matter was that Miley wasn’t competing with anyone but myself. At the end of the day, self- preservation always won out over matters of the heart. There was no other choice… not for me.

I’d loved Natalie and still did, but she was gone. She wasn’t coming back. I knew this. I wasn’t completely bat shit crazy, but I wouldn’t allow myself to care like that for anyone else. It was too big of a risk. This was me choosing myself. This was me choosing my sanity… well, whatever was left of it, anyway.

If I were being a selfish prick, then so be it. I refused to allow myself that kind of entanglement no matter how much I enjoyed Miley’s company. No matter how much I craved the woman sitting beside me. If there was ever a next time, I wouldn’t survive it. If not for my gran, I’d already be lying six feet under. There was nothing left inside of me to give. I was empty. I wouldn’t be selfish by holding onto Miley when she could have the opportunity to have a life of more with someone else. She deserved more. I wouldn’t do that to her or to Sierra.

Ahead, on a hill, sat a two-story log house with a matching garage. The garage appeared to be the exact same size as the house. I was envious as hell. I wanted a garage. It may take time, but it would happen. I parked beside a dark slate gray mini-van with a huge pink bow strapped to hood. It was kind of impossible to miss.

“It looks like someone has a present,” Miley said absently.

“That’s one hell of a gift.” I climbed out of the truck.

“Oh my God, Nate. You’re not going to believe this.” I heard Miley gasp, and walked around to where she currently stood peering into the driver’s side window. She glanced over her shoulder and smiled at me.
That fucking smile of hers was so damn beautiful.
There wasn’t one thing I didn’t like about this woman — well, except for her shitty ass ex — but I’d take care of him eventually for her, and then she’d be free to move on.

“The inside is leather, and it’s hot pink,” she practically squealed. I shook my head in disgust. I had to get a look at this shit.

Hot pink. WTF? Someone was pussy whipped.

“Mommy,” Sierra cried out. She must have heard us when we pulled in.

Miley stepped around me as Sierra flew down the step and ran down the walkway, straight into her mother’s arms. A dark haired boy who appeared to be around the same age as Sierra was hot on her heels. On the front porch stood Kara and, with her, another woman who had long wavy blonde hair. She was packing a baby on her hip. Both were smiling as they watched us. My eyes were drawn to the woman and the child. Thick brownish-blonde curls adorned the baby’s round head.

A tingling apprehension started at the base of my skull. The blonde seemed somewhat vaguely familiar. Those long curls and that heart shaped face, I’d seen her somewhere before. Then it hit me. She resembled like Natalie. This had to be Addie. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind.
It was her. I knew it.
My hands started to sweat.

Was I ready to face her?

“Are you Sierra’s dad?” a small voice asked, momentarily distracting me from my thoughts.

I glanced down to find a dark haired little boy with icy blue eyes staring back at me. He was dressed in denim shorts and a green t-shirt. His feet were bare and dirty. He had mean ass written all over him. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to force a smile, but before I had the chance to reply, Sierra did.

“Yes, silly,” she said. Miley’s expression was filled with apprehension; her eyes apologetic. “I told you, he’s my daddy,” she insisted, crossing her arms over her chest.

The little boy held out his hand to me. My lips helplessly curved into a grin as I studied him. He didn’t cower beneath my stare. He didn’t seem the least bit intimidated, but instead, he puffed out his chest and tried to stand a little taller.