The Wedding Bet (20 page)

I gave him my special banana cream topping. He honored me with a rice pudding recipe his great-great grandma made back in old Europe. I wish that conversation could have gone on, but alas five minutes ticked away and we exchanged business cards. I promised to meet him at the International Baker’s Festival in Bremen, Germany later this year.

If I summarized my experience, it boiled down to those epic power moments history remembers. I came to the Speed Date. I saw other Men. I conquered all their fears we might become an item.

I left the Speed Date not feeling sleazy, used up or soiled like a woman for hire. All thanks to Debra my marriage counselor. My transformation into Ninja Wedding Marriage Avoider finished. In a movie, I hopped up and karate chopped the speed date table into two halves and strutted off into the singular sunset of success. Able to handle any erotic, romantic situations now my confidence soared to new heights.

* * * *

After the fiasco with the Speed Dating, and the crazy Brent Parks local talk show, I needed another month to recuperate. I didn’t know when the Brent Parks talk show would air. Frankly, I didn’t care. I did it on PR Man’s request. He said we needed to reach as wide a group as possible, because during the winter months people huddled around fires. And the television was the biggest bonfire in the modern world. If I went on the local talk show host Brent Parks show, I’d meet the audience half way. I wore a conservative bland grey skirt suit and my hair in the usual flip style.

I promised PR Man not to say or do anything funny that might attract men. The show went well from what I remember. Nothing funny happened and I realized people really did care for my well being—as long as I didn’t disturb the status quo of women getting married. The focus group study run by Brent Parks’ research staff said my topic appealed to a lot of people who still believed in the marriage ceremony; although the majority of his male audience didn’t think marriage mattered that much anymore.

What mattered to the men was intimacy or sex. What mattered to the women included marriage. Clearly a contradiction, which Brent Parks hoped my appearance on his talk show might resolve.

We shot that during the horny month of November, when the sun travels the horny sign of Scorpio the scorpion. Power hungry, driven by deep impulses of togetherness people fell into relations. Brent carried one of those old fashioned microphones with the square foam on top. He sat us on two white couches facing one another.

Brent called it a hazard to include Cynthia and Olivia on the show. “No. You three may have this bet going, but I don’t want to focus on that. Besides, I am for friendships. If I put you on with your friends Megan, you’ll never forgive them or yourself for any hard feelings. As it is, I’ve selected opposing guests who you don’t know. Then when this show is over you can forget about it and continue with your lives.

The man sounded like a priest. And I believed him. PR Man stood in the wings, just outside of camera view and he wrote on flash placards points to be made. I made all the points we wanted in my little five minute introductions. Why should women have to get married just because they are female? Independence of women should be a priority. Searching for love involved too much work for today’s busy women.

My opposing guests represented the Conservative Women’s for Traditional Values and Marriage Society. Her name was Lucy Trill. Lucy wore a lot of lace from what I can remember, and a very long, small print flower pink dress. She had two children—both girls—and ran her church’s societal functions. Lucy said women needed marriage because only they could bear children. Women needed men to get married because raising a child alone was too much work for today’s busy women. She also said searching for love was a fun process and not the boring chore I made it out to be.

After the introductions, the show disintegrated into a hen fest, girl fight over concepts of food, pregnancy and the existence or non-existence of man caves.

Megan: “I said men only come out of their man caves to have sex with women.”

Lucy: “Men don’t live in man caves, except for the homes usually run by their mothers. If anyone created the need for a man cave, it was mothers who towered over their male children and forced them out into the world too soon. This left men scared and unable to cope. Men thus sought to reenter the warm home environment by establishing families. Of course, no one can replace mom, so soon men find learning to share their lives with another independent grown person difficult.”

Megan: “Women created the need for man caves.”

Lucy: “Mom creates the need for a safe male sanctuary.”

Megan: “Why are women and mothers always at fault with you conservative people?”

Lucy: “Because you liberal people always forget that women are the bedrock of society. The harbingers of civilization.”

Megan: “I haven’t forgotten. I’m a wedding caterer!”

Lucy: “Working in a field dominated by women has led to your misunderstanding of the opposite sex. There is no reason to avoid marriage. You just need to relax and allow a man to find you.”

Megan: “I’m tired of waiting for a man to find me after he’s gotten in my pants.”

Lucy: “Keep your legs clothes and that won’t happen.”

Megan: “You saying I’m a whore. I don’t have any more sex than you.”

Lucy: “You’re a liberal girl. I bet you have way more sex than me. I don’t even like sex. That’s the way most women are. They do sex because men asks. Ask any girl if they preferred to give blow jobs or be penetrated in their VJ during sex. The answer is giving blow jobs.”

Megan: “I haven’t had sex since college. Well, maybe two times. But I like sex. I like using my sex parts on men’s parts.”

Lucy: “I don’t count blow jobs as sex. No girl or woman does.”

Megan: “I count blow jobs. Not that you know what a blow job is you probably think it’s making glass jars.”

Lucy: “I know full well what fellatio is and it’s not related to the glass industry.”

Megan: “Why should a woman marry a man she simply wants to fuck? Women don’t have to make bad romantic decisions accidentally in order to enjoy full sex lives. Like the men, women can just sow their wild oats, too.”

Lucy: “Men are different. They have no moral code. Their job is to fertilize as many females as possible. However, I am glad you admit to making bad choices. Because women who want to sleep around purposely make bad choices to cover up their whoring.”

I watched myself staring into the Brent Parks Talk Show cameras like a deer seeing headlights. This conservative no-sex prude riled me up into talking about sex.

Megan: “I haven’t made bad choices. The men turned out to be bad mates. You said it’s our job to provide them a moral code. And it’s our job to make sure men stay around after they do that fertilization thing?”

Lucy: “Life is difficult for us innies I admit. But it is what it is.”

Megan: “It certainly is what it is and as an innie, I think the outees cause 90% of their own problems by not treating women and girls with respect.”

Amazing how disconnected Lucy and I were. Two females of roughly the same age and background. She believed women cause 90% of all the world’s problems. Women hated sex. I didn’t buy that.

Brent Parks loved every minute of the show. He’s a journalist. He trained himself to forget the things he dislikes in order to make money. He thanked PR Man. “I want to thank Steve Laferte who asked me to put on this show to help Megan make her point. We were all enriched by this debate, which I am sure will continue in the public arena for some time to come. But let’s get to our Internet and audience text responses and answers—because that is what the Brent Parks show is all about.”

“Should Megan kiss more frogs? Or Overwhelming support for Lucy Trill. Megan should kiss more frogs.”

Brent Parks on the subject of man caves: “The audience overwhelmingly supports Lucy Trill’s position. Men cave exists, but this is the result of mothers who are too authoritarian. They should give young boys a break. Let the young boys play in the sand and smell the car gasoline fumes.”

Brent went on to say his television audience believed 80% to 20—men do try to get into women’s pants, but only because women keep their pants on too tight. They never let anyone have sex without the high cost of marriage.

Brent Parks said his audience believed 70%percent to 30 that women should get married just because they are female.

His audience said the independence of women isn’t a priority, the family should be the priority.

Brent Parks’ audience believed 70% to 30 that women and girls had no real sex drive, so they needed men to teach them to be sexual.

Brent’s audience believed the search for love constituted one of the grand adventures of life for innies. For outees, Brent’s audience believed the search for sex constituted one of the grand adventures of life.

Not for one second did I buy Brent’s philosophy or his audience’s as reported. All television cared about fit into the tiny realm of viewers and sponsors. More views, more sponsors. Sponsors don’t care how the viewers behave and think. Only that they buy. I sat back trying to remember if my recollection of events on the small screen matched what actually happened. How much did they cut? Where did the censor’s ax fall?

PR Man said the show was a huge success. This led to news agencies wanting me on the talk shows. More people recognizing me. So staying indoors relaxed me. I turned off my phone for a week. My wedding cake business soared through the roof. I needed to turn away calls, I outsourced calls. I got Marta at the Little Chuck Wagon Luncheonette to help me out again.

I needed to rest. I could open up a dating service and just send all the phone calls to lonely women.

PR Man said his business turnover rose two hundred percent. People loved the creative campaign. Other women wanted him to run Kiss More Frogs campaigns for them.

All I needed was rest. December was perfect. That month where everyone believed in the going into debt to assure their family and friends will shine brightly again in the spring. In two weeks, people forgot all about me. All they cared about was keeping the dark away. So, festivals of lights began to provide that needed light-fix. Provided the reminder that although it’s harder to relate now because of the cold, once again we shall rise and in the spring go out and greet one another in happiness.

Personally I hate December. Always have. Usually I don’t get much business—this year was an exception because of the Brent Parks Talk Show. People booked more business for the spring and summer. Now while the Wedding Bet kicked into its final six months, I’d be so tired from working, I conceivably could slip up and get married. In rare situations, the seasonal changes attracted a couple wants to get married in December. But where to take the pictures? Watching the married couple take off in a snow laden limousine that spews slush on the wedding guests’ clothing hasn’t quite caught on yet.

I loved just reading cook books and thinking, about taking a summer vacation to Florida. Here in Joinrite City, the winters put on a show. In Florida, I imagine the wedding business is going ahead without interruption.

Cynthia buys gifts for everyone. Olivia is a little more conservative, but she spends waiting on the day when, it will all come back karma-wise

I don’t support such crass materialism. Yes, buy a wedding cake, dress while they’re on sale. That’s about it for me.

Lounging around in my sweats gave me an excuse to watch the Brent Parks Show. I huddled with my cat, DotheRightThing, and  flipped it on.

Brent Parks’ deep, theatrical voice said, “And we have here Megan Bedrosian; she is the ‘Kiss The Frogs No More’ wannabe bride. I sat up straight. I forgot about reruns. I called up PR Man. I wanted to know how many times he’d rerun the talk show we participated in. His line was busy. Amy had fully committed herself to her love life with Ian after purchasing her dog. I couldn’t disturb her with my neediness. So I hung up the line before it rolled over into voice mail. A lot of people take early holiday vacations.

“Yes, Megan, can you tell us why you don’t want to be married?”

“Just too much work. A woman works hard all day, on her feet. And 60% of the households today are run by women. Then she arrives home and has to cook and clean. No husband. No cooking and cleaning.”

“But that’s just shallow,” said the opposing guest.

“Wait,” said Brent Parks holding up his hand. “Everyone will get a chance to weigh in on this debate.”

Brent turned to the camera. “Audience, let us know what you think? Should Megan keep kissing those frogs until she finds her prince? Or should Megan stop kissing the frogs and accept her loneliness? Text in to Kiss Frogs if you believe Megan should continue. Text in to Kiss No Frogs if you believe Megan’s done enough kissing.

Brent turned to me. Megan, I want to thank you for coming to this show. It’s a great way to get your point out there. If the right man discovers you’re available, and you accept—we want to be there for your big, summer white wedding. You will wear white, Megan?”