The Wedding Diaries (37 page)

Family

How to Handle Family Before and During a Wedding

Mother:
Where do we start. Are you two best friends? Do you tell each other everything? Can you not imagine a world where you don’t speak to your mum six times a day? If that’s the case, there is absolutely nothing I can advise you on here. She’ll probably be in the other bed in the twin room you’ve booked for your honeymoon, so don’t sweat it. You don’t need to ‘handle’ her.

1. If that’s not the case – if the second after you told your mum about the engagement, you started googling ‘Las Vegas wedding’ – here are some tips you might find useful.
      Give her something to do. The bigger the job seems, the more she’ll be off your back. Something like ‘find napkins’ might seem like you’re throwing her a bone, but she’s no fool. It’s such a rubbish bit of un-delegating that she’ll swamp you with constant emails and calls every single time she sees anything remotely
   like
   a napkin. But give her something bigger – say, ‘flowers’ – and you might not see her for
   months
   . She’ll be researching and reading up and asking around so she can present you with the best possible options for you to pick from. And since it’s so often much easier to edit than create, it’s pretty hard for her to fuck this one up.
   
2. Let her have between one and three guests of her choice. You’ll have to use all your negotiation skills here: pretend you’re not going to let her have any, then (as you judge) allow her one little window of hope. She’s not inviting Deborah from accounts just because she went to
   her
   son’s bash last year, but if she has three best friends who were your surrogate mothers, you’ll probably quite like it if she gets to ring them up with news of their invitations. But don’t let her drip-drip-drip passive-aggressive comments into your ear until suddenly your numbers have doubled and you don’t know who any of them are. That’s rubbish. Just because she gave you life doesn’t mean it’s now open doors on the guest list.
   
3. On the day, recognise how much this must mean to her. It’s not particularly feminist to think your child’s shining moment is to be married off, but it is another major step in your life, and if she choked up on your first day at primary school, she can damn well be giddy about you actually leaving home (or whatever it is you do once you’re married). Let her have a little slice of that wedding specialness. And make sure she doesn’t wear that bloody awful hat she insists is vintage.
   

Father:
Doesn’t care. As long as you don’t make him decide anything, he Just Wants You To Be Happy (and for you to pick a cheap wedding).

Sister(s):
Tricky. Is she the supportive sort? Can you trust her with all the boring but essential jobs? Would the wedding not be able to go ahead if she couldn’t make it, or are you praying that there’s a two-day traffic jam on the M1 and you have to wait to Christmas to see her again? Is she your Maid of Honour, or is she a fucking pain?

1. Work out which of the two, and handle accordingly:
      Maid of Honour: Thank her for all her support and kindness. Ask her if she’d like to do a few things, but don’t put any pressure on her. Constantly remind her that you know she’s busy, and you appreciate anything at all that she does for you. You know it can’t be the most important thing, but you’re so happy she could be involved at all. Thank her again. Give her a nice bunch of flowers on the day.
   
2. Fucking Pain: As above. It will mess with her mind and you will have the higher ground FOREVER.
   

Brother(s):
Doesn’t care. If he does, there’s something wrong with your relationship. I’m just putting it out there.

Aunt(s):
If she has daughters, she will be secretly competitive, constantly whispering passive-aggressive comments to your mum. Before the wedding, ask her if you can see her hat, and say it’s the nicest hat you’ve ever seen – you almost got a white version yourself for the wedding day. If she’s not eating out of your hand when it comes to it, tell your mum later that you think your aunt’s hat is shit. It’ll make your mum feel better, at least.

Uncle(s):
Doesn’t care.

Cousin(s):
If your girl cousins are getting married the same year as you, want their boyfriends to propose, or have just been to their best friend’s wedding, you could hand out solid gold favours and sit them next to Colin Firth and they would hate your event. Your boy cousins will never, ever give a shit.

Grandparents:
Can you think of anything more moving and amazing than seeing your child’s child marry someone they love? That must be nice. Invite your grandparents and don’t think twice about whatever hassle they might be. They gave your parents the neuroses that you would rebel against to make you the person your fiancé fell in love with. Think about
that
when your grandma’s telling all your friends at the wedding how much she always liked Jeff (your ex).

Children:
If you’re one of those people who believe children add to the sense of family and community at a wedding (i.e. it’s unlikely you have them), invite them. If you can’t bear the thought of sticky, shouty children touching everything and/or you’re extremely thoughtful and suspect banning them is the only way their parents, with faux-begrudgingness, can get a night away from them to share adult conversation and drink themselves sick, don’t invite them. Just decide which one you’re going to do and stick to your guns. Don’t let your aunt bully your mum about it. Just pick your side, give your reasons to anyone who seems to need them, and enjoy your day. The only children who
really
care about attending your wedding (except for maybe your own) are little girls who have watched too many Disney princess films. And you should ban them just for that anyway.

Decorations

I really think this is the most fun thing in the world, but I can understand how it might be a living nightmare, particularly if you aren’t that confident about your taste, have been to some expensive-but-extremely-ugly wedding that may have influenced your preferences, or are marrying someone who has bad taste in their blood line. Really, all that matters is that a) you can afford it, and b) you like it. Who cares if no-one likes your holographic banners? You definitely shouldn’t. This is a party hosted by the two of you, so as long as there are comforts in abundance where it matters, you do
whatever
you like
. Here are some things you might enjoy pulling together, so just grab them whenever you see them:

Wedding Lists

I’ve come around to the idea that wedding lists are a good idea. Unless you can really and truly convince your guests not to buy you anything, people
will
get you gifts – even if they aren’t coming to the wedding – and it
is
really grim to see people spending money on something that is useless/repugnant/both to the recipient. How are they to know that you already have a cupboard full of cheeseboards at your house? Or that a pair of ‘Keep Calm and Marry On’ mugs will serve only as the catalyst for that clear out you’ve been meaning to have for the local charity shop? So go ahead, set up a wedding list. But I pass on the advice given to me: put lots of affordable things on (‘affordable’ will, of course, vary, but I think lots of £20-40 things is safe enough for most people) but not things that you could buy for yourself in single trip to the supermarket. I’ve seen wedding lists with such forlorn items: oven gloves, soap dishes,
brooms
. Who would ever want to give those, to mark the start of a new life together? So think of nice things that you would want to buy for someone you – I hesitate to say love, but at least will have to see again – and remember, too, that this isn’t some giant claw-grab for everything you can’t be bothered to buy yourself. I’ve heard couples argue that since they’re hosting the event and providing (normally hugely overpriced) meals for everyone, they
deserve
to get Vera Wang dining sets and silk and cashmere cushions. That’s a bit mean and greedy, and the guests at those weddings know it.

Table Plans

Of course, without warping the space-time continuum, not everyone can sit next to everyone else. If you insist on having table plans, big groups of friends might need to be split up, and unpopular relatives have to sit with
somebody
. But remember, this wedding thing is a two-way street: your guests are honoured to be invited, but they’re still doing you a favour in joining you. Don’t split up friends who never get to see enough of each other as it is. Don’t put a single couple all by themselves on a table of your overwhelming family. And – absolutely key to being allowed to stay in the human race – don’t separate couples because one of them hasn’t earned their way onto the top table. This seems to be more and more common, and I think you might as well wear a badge saying, ‘I couldn’t give the smallest fuck about whether you enjoy my wedding.’ All your guests would like to have a nice time too. Let them.