The Willow Tree: A Novel (35 page)

After Jesse left Bobby continued to stare through the glass of the door for many minutes, then turned and started to go slowly up the stairs to the roof. He sat behind the ledge, out of the wind, allowing the cold air to clear his head, thinking about how happy he was coming over here, how excited Jesse was to see him, and all the gifts, and how they dug each other an tellin him about moms keepin his card, an how he felt thinking how excited everyone would be when they saw all the presents, and how they would be screechin and yellin as they ripped the paper off, feeling the way he felt tearing open Moishes gifts, and then watching him open his, and the tree and all that…all that stuff….

                                                  and then he started thinking about Maria and how she would have been excited too about Christmas, but she wasnt opening any presents. Even that drunk puking his ass off may be opening a present, at least he/ll be opening another bottle sooner or later, and that muthafucka Raul will be openin gifts and sittin around a tree or something with his family and theyll be laughin and yellin, tearin paper and boxes and that muthafuckas goin to get something he wants, somethin hed be hoping for and is goin to hoot his ass off just like nothing ever happened, just like he didnt have anything to do with Maria being dead, like he didnt push her out the window so she could smash her head on the sidewalk and hes just going to celebrate all night and tomorrow yellin Merry Christmas and Felice Navifuckindad. Sheeit, that muthafucka probably has a belly full of wine right now and is feeling warm all over and good like Christmas going to last forever, Sheeit! what the fuck that muthafucka doin eatin his belly full an laughin an scratchin muthafuck this sheeit, aint no way he havin a Merry Christmas—getting up and rushing down the stairs to the street, and rushing through the people, not paying any attention to his surroundings, the doorways, the shadows, but walking as fast as possible to Rauls turf, not giving a shit who saw him or who might recognize him, but increasing his pace until he was trotting, then jogging, bumping into a few people and just rushing on, almost knocking over a kid struggling with a skateboard who cursed him in Spanish, Bobby vaguely recognizing him as the kid brother of the first guy he got in the alley, the guy he pinned to the wood, but fuckim, what the fuck that little shit gonna do me, and he ran around a corner and slipped on a patch of ice and almost catapulted into the street but reached out and grabbed the lamppost and hung on it for a minute, his heart pounding in his ears and throat, feeling his eyes bulging but seeing almost nothing, and as he spun around the post he could see the kid staring at him and he pushed himself forward and ran down the street and plunged into a doorway, almost breaking the door as he exploded into it, then ran up the stairs the sounds of celebration and screaming chasing him up the steps until he got to the roof then leaned against the door, panting, sweat dripping down his sides, wiping his face with his scarf, his head raging, the air around him tinged with red, the fire in his brain tensing every muscle in his body, starting to step to the edge of the roof and staggering, his head shaking so violently he couldnt see and he fell against the door not hearing it thud against the metal sheets, sliding down until he was sitting, half lying, on the roof, a cold shock going through his body from the ice, continuing to slide until he was on his side, stretched out on the ice, panting, gasping for air, his eyes jammed shut against his dizziness, rolling his head and face on the ice until his vision started clearing, then rolling over on his back and looking up at the sky, the dull, cataract sky, no stars visible, just a heaviness that seemed to be slowly descending, and a panic shuttered through him and he again squeezed his eyes shut, then slowly opened them, the sky seeming to stay in place, the redness of the air slowly drifting away, and he blinked and forced himself to breathe slowly, deeply, without realizing what he was doing, then suddenly sat up, panicked but alert and looked around and tried to quiet his breathing so he could hear his surroundings but for many minutes all he could hear was the sound of his breath, then slowly the street sounds came up to him and he grabbed the knob of the door and raised himself and leaned against the door putting his ear to the freezing metal, listening…listening….

                            but heard nothing, once again wiping his face with his scarf, then allowing his breathing to slow and quiet, the cold air and the chill going through his body to clear his head and his eyes…

              then suddenly started trembling as a shock of images assaulted his mind: the kids eyes as he recognized him, the eyes burning into the back of his head as he stumbled down the street, the kid running to tell Raul, all the people he bumped into staring at him, falling on the ice and Raul and his guys tearing him apart, throwing his body to mangy dogs, his spine suddenly like ice, his body jerking spastically, fighting to control himself but his arms jerked and spun, his legs trembling and folding, suddenly doubled over with nausea, trying to look around but unable to control his movements, crumbling to his knees not knowing how he got there, trying to crawl away but not knowing from what or why or where to go, cursing himself for being a Gauddamn fool and suddenly the cataract was clouding his vision and he didnt know who was sneaking up on him and he tried getting to his feet but his legs wouldnt support him and he was suffocated by the images when he tried to get away and his body was battered but he somehow kept moving, but now there was no place to run, no streets, no people, no place to hide, and he couldnt even raise his hands to defend himself, and a voice in his head kept screaming at him that he was a muthafuckin fool, dead fuckin meat on a roof top, and Raul was gonna be gettin his ass and throwin him over the side an hed be splattered on the street just like Maria and he tried to roll out of the way as he felt a club coming at his head and he kept rolling and crawling and trying to stand and run until he fell against the ledge and all he could see was the street below, far, far below and he tried to keep his balance but sweat stung his eyes and terror kept his body trembling and completely out of his control and he could see the street getting closer and closer and his body suddenly froze, rigid, and he screamed and screamed and screamed and went limp, rolling off the ledge onto the roof and once again stiffening, eyes jammed closed, aware only of the scream inside his head and his struggle to breathe as he waited for the impact…eyes suddenly opening, his temples throbbing, pain stabbing his head, his body slowly curling into a fetal position, arms wrapped around his head, rolling over on his side, aware of the cold roof, the smell of old tar and ice, his breath bouncing back into his face, wanting to sleep, to burrow into the side of the roof edge out of the wind and cold and sleep, sleep…

                     eventually rolling over and crawling to the corner and leaning his back against the edge as hard as possible, clutching his knees to his chin, fighting the nausea, dizzy with relief, and sat as quietly as possible, hearing the wind around him, crumbling into himself, his feelings, thinking of the wind heard and unfelt, then hearing his breathing, feeling it warming his knees, his face, allowing the sense of relief to bathe over him, eventually calming him until there was only his breathing that he heard and felt, unconsciously trying to cuddle deeper into the relief and breath and warmth, his body continuing to relax more and more, drifting in little bits and pieces deeper within the warmth and breath, feeling lighter like being in the whirlpool bath, his body seeming to go deeper within itself, his thoughts seeming to just drift away, his breathing easing, slowing, feeling warmer, safer, more and more floating free of himself, the darkness behind his eyes speckled with dots of light like stars in his own, personal sky, slowly becoming more and more a part of that sky, the stars, the light increasing but soft, very, very soft, so comforting, becoming more and more a part of the light, almost as if he was the light, and its comfort and peace, the comfort and peace gently flowing through him until there was only comfort and sitting there peaceful, less and less aware of Bobby, more and more aware of the peace, the beautiful lightness of the peace, no time, no roof, no body, only the lightness of peace, totally immersed and taken over by the lightness….

                     then wanting to stay with it, not wanting it to leave, struggling to keep it, becoming more and more aware of his body, the air around him, the cold roof under him, forcing his eyes shut each time they tried to open, but in time his eyes did open, blinking against the darkness, and he felt his knees under his chin, his arms around his head…then slowly, very gradually lifting his head, lowering his arms, seeing his knees, the roof, the sky, closing his eyes for a moment, opening them again and leaning back and looking at the edge, knowing the street was below, the reason for him being there forcing itself on him, staring at the edge of the roof, his sight slowly concentrating more and more on the iced-edged rim of the small parapet, staring through the ice at the chipped bricks and bits of cement, the ragged and ripped edges, their ugliness at first fascinating then concentrating on the gaping holes, the cracks and tears becoming gargoyles and demons that seemed to move, huge mouths opening and spewing forth a vomit of curses that seared his brain and he slowly started crawling toward the edge feeling more demons behind him, knowing they had long handled axes ready to chop yet he continued to stare and crawl, now unaware of the ice under his hands and knees, the cold chilling his bones, until he was face to face with the demons and they told him to pull himself up, offering him a hand that was blackened and grotesque, and he clutched the edge of the roof as they spoke with fiery fury, LOOK, LOOK OVER THE EDGE, commanding him to pull himself up and lay on the edge of the roof and his hand went out, then the other, and he leaned his chest on the sharp edges of cuts and ice and looked over, then down at the garbage covered alley below into the ugly faces, mouths growing larger and larger until there were only blackened mouths screaming at him that he was worthless, a useless piece of shit as he continued to pull himself over the edge, balancing on his stomach ready to fall into the screaming mouths and then they became Marias head, thousands of them smashing on the ice, bits of blood frozen in air, reflecting the light of the stars like the tinsel on the Christmas tree and he could see all her mouths screaming in twisting silence and he stared, paralyzed, slowly becoming aware of the cold chilling his bones then suddenly thawing with the heat of rage he screamed into the tomb of an alley FUUUUCKKKKKKK, then fell back on the roof, gasping for air, rolling over and laying spread-eagled on his back looking up at the cataract sky, then slowly rolled over and sat up, back to the edge, leaning into the monsters, shutting them up, breathing deeper and deeper, slower and slower until he took one last deep breath and stood, looked around quickly, then walked to the door, opened and closed it carefully and quietly, then rapidly down the stairs to the basement, through the same alley, fully alert, eyes seeing, mind sensing every little shadow, feeling quiet, determined, he knew where he was going and what he had to do. It was all very clear. Raul would join Maria and the monsters, and the muthafucka would take forever to fall, hed make the sonofabitch watch those mouths twisting and dripping blood and have him begging him not to push him over the edge and hed laugh in the fuckin pricks face and watch him slide over the edge inch by inch, every onct in a while pulling him back jus a bit so he be thinkin he not going to be lettin him go, then hed push him some more, letim jus hang, jus hang so he can be lookin nowheres but down, down at the muthafuckin groun that be waitin to smash his haid like a melon and every time he squirm and beg and cry hed laugh jus a little bit louder and louder…yeah, he be laughin so loud fuckin Raul be pissin in his pants and then hed twist the muthafucka roun sos he be lookin right into Bobbys face and he grin the shit outta him and then he be lettinim go,
Adios
mutha fucka an he be watchin him fall, hopin he never do hit the bottom but jus keep fallin, scared hes gonna be hittin that muthafuckin cement the next second an he be afraid to blink his eyes and afraid to keep them open an he the a thousand times before he splat hisself on the dog shit that he be

                  the fury continuing to fill Bobby until he was almost blind, yet still knew where he was and where he was going, a knot of sickness forming in his gut, spreading slowly through his body, reaching up to his head, until he stopped at the edge of the roof across from Rauls apartment and stared at the people inside laughing and singing and drinking wine an he saw Raul pulling a new sweater over his head then prancing about the room like he was hot shit and Bobby stared, alert, swallowing down the sickness, his head pounding with adrenaline until he saw Raul putting on his jacket so he could go down to the streets and show his friends his new sweater and he was laughing and waving his hand, Yeah, Merry Christmas muthafucka, and Bobby put the plank he had stashed across the gap between the roofs, tested it, took a deep breath and crawled across to Rauls roof, then quietly down the stairs, and was waiting in the shadows, staring at the door, waiting for that first tiny sliver of light as it started to open. Bobby hugged the wall in the shadows away from Rauls line of vision when he would come through the door, unaware of breathing, unaware of taking the scarf from his neck and rapping the ends around his hands, not feeling the blood gorge through his body or the tension in his body, unaware of anything except the doorknob on Rauls door and the door jamb, all his senses focused, alert, and when he heard Rauls hand on the knob he dug deeper into the shadows and then there was the sliver of light, then a beam, then a shaft filled with loud voices, all laughing, laughing, and Raul was yelling back into the laughter, his face one huge, monstrous grin filling Bobbys body and mind with a sickening rage, yet he remained frozen until the door clicked shut and the instant Rauls hand slid off the knob Bobbys scarf was around his throat and Bobby yanked as hard as he could, wrapped a second turn around his throat, then dragged Raul to the staircase, not hearing the gurgling coming from Rauls mouth, avoiding his flailing arms and reaching hands, then slammed Rauls head against the staircase then quickly dragging him up the stairs to the roof, quietly closing the door, standing for a moment, feeling the throbbing in Rauls throat through the scarf, looking into his dazed, bulging eyes, looking as deeply as he could into the panic in those eyes, then dragging him to the edge of the roof and slamming his head into the side and letting Raul fall, gently, as he held his body suspended by the scarf, then releasing enough of the pressure as Raul lay on the ice to allow enough air into his lungs to keep him alive, he wasnt going to allow the son of a bitch to the that fast, no, the muthafucka goin to take some time, Bobbys own sweet time, jus like Maria had to take so long, so very, very long to die, and Bobby knelt over him, staring into his face, smiling, grinning, hearing the air fighting to get past Rauls throat as he gasped, spit and blood gurgling from his lips, Bobby staring, watching, grinning at the struggle until he could see Raul was reviving and knew who was grinning at him then tightened the scarf slightly and dragged him over the edge of the roof, forcing him to lay on the edge on his stomach and look down at the shit-covered ground, just as Bobby had done, locked one hand in the scarf and held Raul by the belt with the other, forcing Rauls head down in tiny little increments, rocking him back and forth, each time Raul going further and further over the edge until he could feel the silent screams in Rauls throat and head and body, then yanked him back and rolled him on his back on the edge of the roof, stamping hard on Rauls feet, keeping him clamped to the roof, silently grinning into Rauls face until he could feel his grin burning its way through Rauls flesh, through his bones, burning every part of his fucking brain, lowering his face until he was so close light could not pass between them, then jerked him over and suspended him over the edge again, his minds eye still filled with the look of panic, terror and pleading on Rauls face, yeah, plead, beg muthafucka, beg, you not even given Maria a chanct to beg, but you be beggin, dontchya, shoving him closer and closer to the point of no return, that point of delicate balance when all he would have to do is unwrap the scarf and Raul would slide nice and slow over the side, and Bobby looked down at the ground waiting for Raul and once again saw the huge monstrous mouths waiting, the hideous and grotesque blackness screaming, the stench of their breath burning his nostril, and Bobby started staring, fixed on the mouths, unable to break away, feeling himself devoured by their now grinning faces as they gleefully awaited the offering Bobby was giving them and suddenly something seem to snap in Bobby, he could hear it ringing through his head, whining louder and louder and he stiffened, his hands locked on the scarf, his body vibrating, the screaming, laughing demon mouth stench cutting off his breath, Rauls face turning blue, his eyes looking as if they would pop from his head, Bobbys body still trembling with the whine in his head….