The Witches of Chiswick (28 page)

“Would you be so good as to describe, in your own words, what took place in The Hands of Orloc?” Mr Gwynplaine Dhark asked the witness.

“This should be thrilling,” said Tim.

“Pussssssssh,” said the Brentford Snail Boy.

“I can scarcely believe my ears,” said the magistrate. “And where were you when you witnessed these alarming events that you have given us such a precise and detailed account of? And which prove absolutely the guilt of the twin accused.”

“Psss,” said the Brentford Snail Boy.

“Really?” said the magistrate. “Half way across the ceiling ignoring the unwelcome attentions of a sparrow-hawk. Your bravery is an example to us all.”

“I object again,” said Tim McGregor.

“Upon what grounds, this time?” asked the magistrate.

“Because this is absurd. He’s making silly noises and you’re pretending to understand him. There’s no justice in this.”

“I believe,” said Mr Gwynplaine Dhark, “that the counsel for the defence does not speak mollusc”

“I certainly don’t,” said Tim. “And nor do you, this is all nonsense.”

“I hardly feel that such damning evidence as this can be called nonsense,” said Mr Justice D. “In fact, I believe that you are in contempt of court. I will have to ask you to withdraw from the case.”

“No way,” said Tim. “I have heaps of famous witnesses to call, the Queen and everything. You wanted a trial that would bring some publicity to the borough and you are going to get it. This man,” Tim pointed at Mr Gwynplaine Dhark, “is going down. Big time.”

“He doesn’t even speak the Queen’s English,” said Mr Gwynplaine Dhark. “He is totally incompetent. And according to Master Scribbens’ eloquent testimony, he was also an accomplice. He should be taken at once to the cells and from there to Tyburn to join the evil twins upon the scaffold.”

“I agree,” said the magistrate. “Much as I would have enjoyed meeting the Queen. Or indeed watching you burn at the stake if you’d lost the case. The witness’s evidence is damning. I think we’ll have all three executed this very afternoon.”

“Then fish and chips afterwards,” said the clerk of the court.

“No!” Will cried. He rose from his bench and flinched in expectancy of his imminent truncheoning-down. “This isn’t right. The Snail Boy is lying. The ceiling in the Hands of Orloc is far too low. If he’d been on it we would have been bumping into him.”

“What have you to say about
this
?” the magistrate asked Snail Boy.

“Posssh,” said the Snail Boy.

“As high as
that
?” asked the magistrate. “Eight miles high? That’s a very high ceiling.”

“See what I mean?” cried Will. “And we do have really famous witnesses to call.”

“We’ll call them to attend your execution then,” said the magistrate. “It will be a star-studded extravaganza. The blonde Swedish weather girl can pull the lever. Would you like that, my dear?”

“I’d like that very much,” said the blonde Swedish weather girl. “Nothing I like more than pulling on a big stiff lever.”

Mr Justice Doveston put on his black cap. “It is the verdict of this court,” said he, “that you and your evil twin are guilty of all the charges and—”

“Tim!” shouted Will. “I think we’d better go to plan ‘B’!”

“Plan ‘B’,” said Tim. “Are you absolutely sure?”

“Never been surer.”

“Okay,” said Tim. And he reached into his briefcase.

And drew out a gun.

And he pointed the gun at Mr Justice Doveston. “Free the Brentford Two,” said Tim. “Or I will be forced to shoot you dead.”

“Hands up!” Tim levelled the pistol at Mr Justice Doveston. It was a blinder of a pistol, a phase-plasma pistol (in the forty-watt range) with laser sighting and everything. Will and Tim had stopped off in the twenty-first century to acquire it. The little red laser dot jiggled about on the magistrate’s forehead.

“This is unacceptable behaviour,” complained Mr Justice D. “Put down that pistol at once and hand yourself over to the constables.”

“I’ll shoot you dead.” Tim cocked the trigger. It was one of those hair triggers.
[21]
The pistol went off. Tim fell back and so too did Mr Justice Doveston. Mr Justice Doveston’s wig was on fire.

“Arrest this man!” cried Mr Justice Doveston.

“Oh no, you don’t.” Tim had fallen back into the crowd, but was on his feet with remarkable speed. “Put your hands up now and have the constables release the prisoners.”

Mr Justice Doveston battered away at his smouldering wig. “My best wig. You maniac”

“Next time, it’s your head,” said Tim, putting a very brave face on things, considering just how terrified he was. “It would have been your head that time, but the tracking’s slightly off.” Tim whispered the words, “thank the Goddess,” in completion of this statement.

“All right.” The magistrate raised his hands. “Constables release the prisoners.”

The crowd had remained strangely silent throughout all this, or perhaps not so strangely. After all, when confronted by a lunatic with a pistol, don’t most of us go somewhat quiet? Whilst silently wetting ourselves.

“Everybody else
out
!” cried Tim. “Out of the courtroom, all of you.”

“I’ll lead the way,” said Mr Gwynplaine Dhark.

“No,” said Tim. “
You
stay. Your honour, tell everybody else to leave.”

“Everybody else leave,” said Mr Justice Doveston.

But nobody moved. Tim glanced all around and about. “Are you free yet?” he called out to Will.

“No,” Will called back.

“Tell the constables to hurry up,” Tim told the magistrate.

“Hurry up, constables,” said this man.

But the constables seemed disinclined to obey.

“What is wrong with you please?” Tim asked. “I’ll shoot the magistrate dead.”

Silence reigned.

Tim glanced about some more.

“Don’t you care?” he asked.

Heads shook slowly. Shoulders shrugged. Someone mumbled, “not much, really.”

“All right then.” Tim turned his pistol upon Mr Gwynplaine Dhark.

Heads continued to slowly shake and shoulders to shrug. Someone else mumbled, “Go on then shoot him.” And several people chuckled.

“Incredible.” Tim did further glancings, and then he sprang forward, clawed himself over the witness stand, snatched up the box of salt and held it over the head of the Brentford Snail Boy.

“Booooo!” went the crowd, “Poor show,” and “Rotter.”

“Ah,” said Tim. “Got your attention now. Clear the court. All of you. Apart from the constables, you free the prisoners. Hurry now, or the Snail Boy gets it.”

And so did they hurry. They really hurried. They pushed and barged and elbowed and fought to escape from the court. Mr Gwynplaine Dhark was trodden down by the onrushing masses and Will and his other self found themselves free at last. (Sweet Jesus, free at last).

“Shall I go too?” asked the magistrate.

“You might as well,” said Tim.

“Shall I send you the bill for the refurbishment of my wig? Or would you care to settle up now? Actually, it’s probably better that you settle up now, because it’s unlikely that you’ll escape from this courtroom alive.”

Tim raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll just go then,” said the magistrate.

“I’ll help him,” said Mr Gwynplaine Dhark, rising from the floor and patting dust and dirt away from his dire person.

“You stay,” said Tim. “We want words with you.”

“What about me?” asked Miss Poppins. “Would you like me to stay?”

Tim smiled Miss Poppins up and down, in a lingering kind of way. “I’d love you to stay,” said Tim.

The door of the courtroom closed behind the last of the leavers, a gentleman of the press, who had managed to shoot off a couple of pictures before his departure.

Another silence settled upon the courtroom. It was broken in less than a “jiffy” and a “trice”, by the voice of the other Will.

“And
that
was plan ‘B’!” The other Will rolled his eyes. “Most inspired, I don’t think.”

“Tim did very well,” said Will. “He handled it very well indeed.”

“Thanks,” said Tim, and he twirled the pistol on his trigger-pulling finger and winked at Miss Poppins.

“You’re all dead men,” said Mr Gwynplaine Dhark. “The magistrate was correct in his statement. You’ll never leave this courtroom alive.”

The other Will pointed a shaky finger at the counsel for the prosecution. “Please shoot this monster,” he said to Tim.

“Now, now.” Mr Gwynplaine Dhark waggled an unshaky finger. “You’d better behave yourself, or there’ll be no rat for your dinner tonight.”

“
Shall
I shoot him?” Tim asked Will.

Will shook his blondy head. “Not unless you
have
to,” he replied. “You don’t really want to shoot someone, do you?”

“Not really,” said Tim.

“Psssssh,” said the Brentford Snail Boy.

“Oh sorry,” said Tim and he put down the box of salt. “I wouldn’t really have poured it on you.”

“Passh.”

“No problem.”

“Eh?” said Will. “You don’t really understand what he’s saying, do you?”

“Stop all this nonsense,” said the other Will. “Shoot that evil warlock. Or give me the gun and I’ll shoot him.”

“Calm down,” said Will. “Nobody’s shooting anyone.”

“Then I’ll just leave,” said Mr Gwynplaine Dhark.

“Shoot him if he tries to leave,” said Will.

“You will certainly die,” said Mr Gwynplaine Dhark.

“Lock him in a cell,” Will said to Tim.

“Good idea,” said Tim. “Come on, you; move.”

“Er, chief,” said Barry, when Tim and Mr Dhark had left the courtroom. “As things seem to have gone arse-upwards here, what exactly are you planning to do next?”

Will whispered behind his hand. “Shut up, Barry,” he whispered.

“But chief, the local constabulary will be tooling up outside. There may well be another demonic terminator robot thingy on the way. The street will be filled with crowds and press. Things don’t look altogether hopeful.”

“I know what I’m doing, Barry.”

“But chief, I could just whip you back in time a couple of days and you’d never have to bother with any of this. You could do things differently.”

“I’m not stupid,” whispered Will. “I know that. And don’t think it hasn’t crossed my mind to whip back in time a bit further and save Hugo Rune from getting murdered.”

“Ah,” said Barry.

“Yes, ah,” whispered Will. “But you won’t let me do that, will you?”

“My remit embraces certain parameters, but beyond them I cannot go.”

“So we’ll do things my way for now, and if I really foul up, which I won’t, then I’ll ask for your help.”

“
Again
,” said Barry.

“We picked up Tim, because
I
wanted to. I’m in charge here.”

“Yeah right,” said Barry.

“What was that?”

“I said
‘you’re right’
.”

“As if you did.”

“Have you quite finished?” asked the other Will.

“Excuse me?” said Will.

“Talking to the demon in your head. I heard you.”

“He’s
not
a demon,” said Will.

“He’s
not
, squire,” said Larry. “He’s just my twatty brother.”

“Leave me alone!”

“I’m sorry,” said Will.

“Not you.”

“What?”

“I’m struggling,” said the other Will and he made struggling motions with his hands. He sort of mimed struggling, although not particularly well. “There’s one of them in me. It’s driving me insane.”

“His Holy Guardian is speaking to him, chief.”

“You’ve a voice in your head?” Will asked.

“I can hear it, it speaks to me.”

“Don’t be alarmed,” said Will. “It’s all right. It’s your Holy Guardian. You have nothing to fear.”

“I have
everything
to fear, and so do you.”

“All done,” said Tim, returning to the courtroom. “So what are we going to do now? You don’t have a plan ‘C’ do you?”

“Don’t need one,” said Will. “What we want is publicity, right? To expose the witch cult, if it really exists.”

“It exists,” said the other Will. “How can you doubt it?”

“Okay. I’m
not
stupid. I’m well aware that the witch cult conspiracy business
is
what all this is about, whether they are
real
witches or not. But the best way to deal with them is to expose them to the public. I’d hoped to do it through the court case, but this is even better. A courtroom siege, a hostage situation; this will stir up the media. We’ll get our say on prime-time radio.”

“They’ll kill us,” said the other Will. “They’ll send in the army and shoot us all dead.”

“Not until we’ve had our say on the BBC.”

“You’re wasting your time,” said a little voice.

“Who said that?” asked Will.

“I did,” said the Brentford Snail Boy. “You’re wasting your time. It won’t work.”

“You can speak,” said Will.

“Of course he can speak,” said Tim. “He makes those pssh noises, then he whispers. That’s how the magistrate heard him. I heard him when I was up there with him.”

“That is so crap,” said Will.

“Your plan won’t work,” said Master Makepiece Scribbens.

“And why?” asked Will. “I think it’s a great plan. No violence and lots of press coverage.”

“Firstly,” said Master Makepiece Scribbens, “you know
nothing
about the witches. A few theories, is all you seem to have. Everyone has theories. And secondly,
they
will never let you broadcast your theories to the nation.
They
control the media. You’re wasting your time.”

“Hm,” said Will. “So what do
you
know about all this? You lied in the court.”

“I had no choice. They threatened to kill me.”

“Fair enough,” said Will. “But what do you know about these witches?”

“As much as
he
does,” said the Brentford Snail Boy, raising a wobbly hand and pointing one of its shapeless fingers towards the other Will. “I was caged up in the cell next to him. I used to listen to him screaming. I played dumb. They thought I was an imbecile.”

“Why did they capture
you
?” Will asked.

“They didn’t capture me. They borrowed me from the circus, Count Otto Black’s Circus Fantastique.”

“Count Otto Black,” said Will. “I know that name. I saw him at the Café Royal on the night that Hugo Rune was murdered, and then at Buckingham Palace. Does he have something to do with all this?”

“He has everything to do with everything,” said Master Scribbens. “Count Otto Black is the King of all the witches. You could never have won this case, even with all the witnesses you hoped to call. Count Otto holds the ear of Her Majesty the Queen (Gawd bless Her). He is above the law, which is why you will never be heard. You have to get out of here, or you will surely die.”

“Your thoughts on this, Barry,” said Will.

“My thoughts are that I thought you were doing things
your
way, chief.”

“I am,” said Will. “All right. Then we have to get out of here.”

“Will,” said Tim. “You could just make the broadcast yourself. The BBC men have left all their equipment behind.”

“And say you did,” said Master Scribbens. “What can you really say? What can you really prove? What do you really know?”

“We have to get out of here,” said Will.

And then a voice entered the courtroom. Entered
was
the word. This voice entered loudly, dramatically. It was a very noisy voice.

It came through one of those police bullhorns, electric bullhorns, state-of-the-Victorian-art-technology. It said: “Give yourselves up, you are surrounded,” very loudly indeed.

Tim began to panic, as did the other Will.

They panicked in different ways. Tim flung his hands in the air, one holding the gun and the other not, and began to spin around in small circles. The other Will clapped
his
hands over his head and assumed the foetal position.

“Release the hostages,” called the voice through the state-of-the-Victorian-art police bullhorn. It was the voice of Chief Inspector Samuel Maggott. “Release the hostages or we storm the building and shoot everyone, hostages included, just to be on the safe side.”

“Your thoughts on
this
, chief,” said Barry.

“We’re going to plan ‘C’,” said Will.

There was now a big presence all about the Brentford court house: a big crowd presence, a big media presence, and a big police presence. The big police presence had a lot of state-of-the-Victorian-art weaponry to its account. It is recognised and understood by experts in the field of antique weaponry that the Gatling gun was the nineteenth-century progenitor to the General Electric Minigun, that now legendary weapon, favoured by Blaine in
Predator
and Arnie in
Terminator 2
.

But, as it must now be understood by all, history cannot be trusted. And so several M162 Babbage Miniguns were being moved into strategic positions around the courthouse, much to the delight of the crowd, which was really looking forward to watching those bad boys being put into service.

Tim took a peep through a window.

“Cops,” said he.

“How many?” asked Will.

“All, I think.”

“Plan ‘C’ it is then,” said Will.

“And what exactly is plan ‘C’?” Tim asked.

“Release the hostages,” said Will.

“If I might make a suggestion,” said Master Makepiece Scribbens.

There were an awful lot of guns trained upon the court house door when it opened; an
awful
lot of guns, an awful lot of
awful
guns, terrible guns; hideous, heinous, horrible guns. They all took aim and they all cocked but happily none of them had a hair trigger.