The Witches of Dark Root: Daughters of Dark Root: Book One (The Daughters of Dark Root) (55 page)

“Spring?” Jane asked again. “You do remember the mascot idea, right?"

Spring nodded. The idea seemed silly now, created during a weak moment when she was low on blood sugar and watching a McDonald’s commercial. “Yes, I remember."

"Well, I discussed it with the board of directors and they loved the idea! So we hired a public relations firm to develop this. What you’re about to witness is the fruition of your dreams!” Jane directed the stick towards a closet where toilet paper and ink cartridges were stored. She tapped the door three times and stepped aside.

Nothing happened.

Jane’s face reddened and she hit the door again, this time with the side of her fist. A scuttling inside caused a collective oooh around the table and everyone leaned forward in anticipation.
 
The door opened and a pink, pencil-like creature emerged, hopping in the direction of Jane.

“Meet Casey Condom!” Jane waved and the creature bowed clumsily in return, almost toppling over itself. “It’s not actually a condom,” Jane explained. “It’s more like a penis in Saran wrap. But we’re hoping people get the idea.”

Casey had to be at least seven-feet tall and the color and texture of silly putty. With its scarlet lips and doe-like eyes it had a distinctly feminine appearance. Casey posed on two small ankles garbed in white New Balance tennis shoes.

"What do you think, Spring? This is your baby, after all."

“I think she’s finally lost her f-ing mind,” Rebecca whispered out of the corner of her mouth. Rebecca was probably right. Ever since Jane’s husband had run off with that
two-dollar-Tallahassee-tart
Jane had been doing all sort of strange things. She had stopped shaving her legs, insisted all women in management cut their hair, and no longer allowed employees to discuss soap operas in the break room.

Spring pulled on the ends of her hair, letting the long strands slide through her fingers. “Actually,” she said, shifting uncomfortably in her seat, “I was thinking more along the lines of Snuggle the Dryer Sheet Bear."

The lady in the purple suit scowled. With great effort she raised herself from the chair, revealing a body that was as wide as it was tall. Her top lip quivered defiantly and Spring noticed a trace of facial hair around her mouth. She tried to look away but between the giant penis, her crazy boss, and the woman’s mustache, there was no safe place to rest her eyes.
 

“Casey Condom has presence!” Meg said, nodding to the majestic being beside her. “I designed her myself.” She reached out to touch the creature but Casey hopped backwards, just out of reach. “This agency has been in the Dark Ages far too long. Casey will deliver your message:
Cover it up or Cut It Out!”
Meg beckoned for Casey to turn around. Sure enough the words were stitched across Casey’s backside.

"I thought our message was
Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?
" Spring looked around the room at the wide-eyed attendees, most stifling laughs under their hands. She checked the corners of the room for cameras. Surely this had to be a prank.

Jane pointed the stick in Spring’s direction, looking down the shaft like she were taking aim with a rifle. "Look. If it were up to me every penis on the planet would be chucked into pile of wood and burned. But some women still find them appealing. We can’t stop people from expressing their sexuality, but we can keep them from getting genital warts."

“I’m all for helping girls make informed decisions,” Spring began, feeling her voice begin to shake. “I was a young parent myself. But don’t you think this is a bit extreme?” Spring’s heart was beating so loudly she thought everyone must be able to hear it. She pushed her hands between her knees, feeling every eye upon her. She wasn’t the type to make waves, let alone openly challenge one of Jane’s decisions. She would surely pay for it.

Jane lowered the stick and cracked a thin-lipped smile in return. “My dear, you haven’t heard the best part. Your
dedication
to
Teens in Trouble
has earned you a little promotion. Meg, would you like to tell Spring how she factors into this endeavor?"

"Certainly,” Meg tagged on. She leaned forward, resting her stubby hands on the table, and looked Spring directly in the eye. "We want
you
to act as community ambassador for Casey Condom! Take her out and help spread the word. Jane says you will be perfect."

"Me?" Spring asked as Rebecca whinnied beside her.

“Yes.” Jane continued for Meg.
 
“I know that you work directly with the girls right now, but I see greater things for you.”
 
Jane twirled the stick, passing it from one hand to the next effortlessly, like a majorette twirling a baton. “And the best part is, your schedule can be a little more…flexible."

"What about Sarah?" Sarah had been hired to work with Kimberly in the communications department. This seemed like the job she should have. Jane nodded at Casey, and the condom writhed and wiggled until a messy-haired girl with a large nose emerged from the costume.

Sarah.

"She will be there, too,” said Jane. "You girls will make one hell of a team! Don’t let me down."

Sarah shrugged her shoulders and stared at Spring in an expression frozen somewhere between horror and apathy. Jane placed the stick on the table and grabbed her stack of notebooks and pens, signaling to everyone that the meeting was over. There were a few stifled chuckles from coworkers as the herd moved out, but no one lingered behind.

Sarah shambled towards Spring, dragging the costume behind her. It looked like melted wax. Spring touched it and quickly pulled away. It felt like those sticky hands her sons won in the gum-ball machines, cold, damp and clammy. "They want us to go to schools, news stations, and community health fairs. They want us to march in parades,” Sarah said, gazing out the window into the parking lot. She dropped the costume, and it fell to the floor with a dull thud. “They want us to shake hands with the Mayor."

“Wearing this?” Spring tugged at the ends of her long hair. “I don’t understand why Jane’s doing this."

Sarah shrugged noncommittally. “I think we’re being punished. They haven’t said so but it makes sense. Last week I was caught eating one of Jane’s yogurts out of the fridge. It was going to go bad. The expiration date said so.” She wiped her nose with the back of one of her white-gloved hands and sniffled. “It’s not like Jane ever eats anything she puts in the refrigerator anyways."

“That’s crazy.” Spring said. “Punishing us by humiliating us?"

“Mostly you, I think.” Sarah said, nodding towards the heap of material on the floor. “I can hide. You can’t."

(End Sample)
 

For the rest of
The Universe Is A Very Big Place
,
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I’d like to acknowledge the following people for their contributions towards the creation and publication of this book:

My husband: You have always been my biggest fan and my toughest critic and without your continued support and dedication this book never would have made it past the idea phase. I thank you for the countless hours you spent listening to my ideas on plot, story, and character, as well as the time you spent with your red pen, making corrections and adding suggestions until I got it just right. Thank you for your friendship and your love.

My mother: Thank you for teaching me about the many types of magic. And thank you for the continual reminder on how important family really is.

My writing group: As always, thanks for the suggestions, the rolled eyes, the laughs, and the companionship. You kept me motivated to continue my story even after I wanted to throw in the towel.

My children: You keep me laughing, guessing, searching, stumbling, digging, and trying to better myself every day. Writing a book is easy compared to being a parent and I appreciate the patience and love you have shown me.
 

My sisters: I absolutely could not have written this book had I not had you girls in my life. Writing this book and remembering our adventures together as children I smiled, and cried, most every day for a year. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have shared my childhood with you. Thank you.
 

My nieces and nephews: You continue to inspire me with your fearlessness and your love of life. Keep doing amazing things, the world needs you.

My editor: You can always figure out what I mean to say, even when I’m not sure. Your dedication to the art is inspiring. Thank you for paving the way.

My father, my aunt, and my grandmother: Though you all have gone I continue to think of you every day. You will always live on in my heart.

And to Casey: For her continued friendship and inspiration. Thank you for always being there for me.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

April M. Aasheim was the second oldest of six children, and spent her childhood living with her mother and her stepfather, traversing the Southwest, and following one ‘get rich quick’ dream after another. Though her travels were interesting and often brought her into contact with colorful and fascinating people, April longed for a
normal
life. Her early adult years were spent working as a preschool teacher, a social worker, and a community activist. She was also a wife and a parent. During this time she started writing about her life and the people she met. She also realized that there was no such thing as a normal life.

April currently lives in Portland, OR where she is happily married and trying her hand at gardening. She maintains an active blog about her adventures as a suburban housewife at 
http://aprilaasheim.blogspot.com/
.