The Witch's Brew: A Collection of Hilarious Short Stories Starring the Wicked Witch of the West (5 page)

Over at the Stevens’ house, the Wicked Witch was calling on her mother to come visit. Little did she know her husband had been calling her often to just ... come.

A puff of smoke rose from the floor and soon it faded away, leaving in its wake the wonderfully wicked Back Door Ah the Bad Witch. She looked at Der Would You Please Be Nice To My Mother Before She Turns You Into A Toad and turned her nose up at him. The Wicked Witch looked at her mother then her husband.
My goodness
, she thought.
It’s worse than I imagined
. She looked around then called out, “Doctor Bombs Away, Doctor Bombs Away, I need your help, so come right away.”

Another puff of smoke rose from the floor and there in all his glory stood Doctor Bombs Away. He turned to the Wicked Witch and smiled. “Wendy, it’s been such a long time.”

The Wicked Witch smiled. “Thank you for coming, Doctor.” She looked down at his penis. There was a trail of semen hanging off the end of it. She looked back up at him. “I hoped you would at least have wiped yourself when you were finished, though.”

The Doctor looked down at his penis. “Oh my goodness,” he said upon seeing the semen hanging off the end of it. He wiped it with his finger and flung it across the room. It landed on the floor in front of the cage in which Dorothy was being held hostage by the Wicked Witch and her husband. The seamen looked at Dorothy in eager anticipation. They had spent weeks at sea with no women on board and now they were ready for some adult entertainment. The DJ spun the record and Dorothy began to dance inside the cage. The seamen whistled and hooted and stomped their feet upon the floor. They threw dollar bills at Dorothy and she grabbed them with one hand while running the other up and down the pole inside the cage. The Wicked Witch turned to them. “Would you lot shut the hell up? I’m trying to have a conversation over here.”

The seamen turned to her and saluted. “We want you, we want you, we want you as a new recruit. We’re in the navy, and we sailed the seven seas, eating gravy, mixed in with our plate of peas, in the navy, and it’s time to take our leave, back to the navy.” As one, the seamen turned to their left and marched toward the front door. They kept saluting, first to the Wicked Witch, then to Back Door Ah the Bad Witch and Der Would You Please Be Nice To My Mother Before She Turns You Into A Toad, and finally to Doctor Bombs Away. They left the house, walked back to the dock, and climbed into the Yellow Submarine. Paul McStrawberry Fields Forever was at the wheel and he turned to Ringo Starry Starry Night Who Can Play The Drums But Can’t Sing For Shite who shrugged. He then turned to John Who Imagined There Was No Heaven And Found Out There Wasn’t One Lemon who was struggling with the jigsaw he was doing. He screamed at the pieces to, “Come together, right now, dammit.” Paul waved him by the by and turned to George Who Was Going Through His Hairy As An Ape’s Son Phase and who wondered what all the fuss was about. He turned to the seamen and remarked, “Oh my Lord. Oh my
sweet
Lord.”

The seamen turned to each other and smiled. “We’re gonna stay at the Why Am I Gay, my sweet Lord, Why Am I Gay?” The seamen laughed amongst themselves for a moment then left the Yellow Submarine and headed for the Holy Ship That’s A Big Boat that would take them on the next leg of their world tour.

Meanwhile, back at the Stevens’ house, Der Would You Please Be Nice To My Mother Before She Turns You Into A Toad was giving it to Back Door Ah the Bad Witch, the Wicked Witch was getting a six inch torpedo from Doctor Bombs Away, and Dorothy was left to wonder what might have been between her and the Scarecrow had his crow not been so scared that it was afraid to come out of his pants.

CHAPTER FOUR

B
at And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls climbed into the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile and took off after Dorothy. They drove alongside a car park that looked empty at first but it wasn’t empty at all. There was a van parked right in the middle of it and an old man was standing next to the van. The Duo With Sticks of Dynamite In Their Pants watched in horror as a group of terrorists driving a Kombi shot the old man in the chest. Might He Be Better Off If He Undid His McFly First jumped into the Delorean that was parked behind the van and began driving it back to the future. He swerved several times to avoid the Kombi that had begun chasing him and soon he hit 88 Miles Davis’s an hour which worked out to be about three every two minutes. The Delorean lit up like a Christmas tree and it vanished into thin air which beats the hell out of fat air or, worse still, air polluted by the smell of chicken poop. That reminds me of the time the chicken crossed the road. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

The Duo With Sticks of Dynamite In Their Pants climbed out of the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile and ran to help the old man but it was too late. An alien aircraft had landed and some little green men had climbed out of it and picked up the old man’s body. They were loading it onto their spacecraft and one of them turned back to the Duo With Sticks of Dynamite In Their Pants and said, “Xhrrgth phyggvxd gjfxb drscffaw!!!”

Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls turned to Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and said, “Holy alien language. I’ve got no idea what the hell that means.”

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man watched as the last of the green men boarded their spacecraft and it took off into the sky. “Some things, Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls, are better left unknown. Come. Its time to go.” 

Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls looked at his watch. “Holy crap you’re right, Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man. Come on. Let’s go.”

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man looked around. The young man he had seen earlier carrying a guitar over his shoulder approached from behind. Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man turned to him. “How can you be here when I saw you die?”

“I’m a ghost,” the young man replied.

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man asked him his name. 

The young man smiled and said, “Ritchie.”

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man shrugged. “Ritchie what?” 

The young man’s smile grew wider. “A Very Cunning Piece Of Ham.”

Just then a leather-clad man on a motorbike came scooting around the corner at a very high speed. He braked hard and the bike came to a screaming halt next to Ritchie. The man on the bike looked at Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls, smiled a moment, then turned to Ritchie. “Your mom is worried to death about you. Get on the back of the bike so I can take you home.”

Ritchie replied, “Sure thing, Fonz Who Rolls His Own Joints.” He climbed onto the back of the bike and he and Fonz Who Rolls His Own Joints headed back to Milwaukee for a burger and fries. Heyyyy, those were such happy days.

Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man and Boy Wondering Better Watch Out For Bats And Balls climbed into the Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Mobile and headed off in search of Dorothy Gale.

CHAPTER FIVE

T
he Wicked Witch was circling the cage in which Dorothy was being held. “I told you I’d get you, my pretty. Of course, I can’t believe it took this long, but I got you, and that’s all that matters.”

A tear escaped Dorothy’s eye and it rolled down the side of her face. “Oh Auntie Em, why have you forsaken me?”

A puff of smoke rose from the floor and soon it faded away, leaving in its wake the Wicked Witch’s Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight. She looked at Dorothy. “Who’s this then, Wendy?”

The Wicked Witch rolled her eyes. Of all the aunties and uncles, this is the one that had to show up.

Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight poked Dorothy through the bars. “Oi, she’s a right little meal fit for a witch, ain’t she?”

There came a knock on the front door. The Wicked Witch looked over at her husband and motioned him toward it. He opened it and two children were standing there, each armed with bazookas. They introduced themselves as, “My name is Hands On Myself, and this is my sister, Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough To Have Them.”

Der Would You Please Be Nice To My Mother Before She Turns You Into A Toad turned to the Wicked Witch who turned to her Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight. “Friends of yours?”

Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight thought for a moment and then it hit her. It was in the sixties when love was free and no one was holding back. Her night of passion with a passionate knight had resulted in her being pregnant. She was so fully against abortion it wasn’t funny so she went through with the pregnancy then gave the kids up for adoption. And now they were back.
Hands On Myself and Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough To Have Them rushed inside. They aimed their bazookas at Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight and now she couldn’t think straight. But the defensive line of the San Francisco 49ers could and they blocked Hands On Myself and Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough To Have Them from getting to their mother. Hands On Myself called for a timeout and the referee obliged. Hands On Myself turned to his sister and nodded. She smiled. Hut, hut, Pizza the hut. They sat down at the table and dug in, filling their bellies with slices of meat lovers pizza and even some Hawaiian pizza. When they were finished, Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight sent them to bed for the night. They climbed into bed, and Hands On Myself put his hands on himself, and Greater Times Will Be Had Once I’m Old Enough To Have Them dreamed of greater times that would one day be had.

Downstairs, Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight rolled another joint and got Oh hiya officer, what can I do for you?

The officer grabbed Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight’s hands and cuffed them behind her back. He led her outside and sat her in the backseat of the patrol car. She smiled at the Wicked Witch who was watching from the lounge window. The patrol car drove off and soon it came to a halt in front of the police station. The officer helped Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight out of the car. A passer-by stopped to see who it was. He recognized her and came over and asked, “Hey, you’re on that TV show, right? The one with the witches?”

Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight smiled and nodded.

The man asked her for an autograph. Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight drew the man’s attention to the fact her hands were cuffed behind her back. The man saw this and nodded. “It’s okay,” he said. “I’m into BDSM too.”

Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight was aghast. “Wh-wh-what did you say, young man?”

The officer turned to the young man. “Get going now, you hear, before I take
you
in too.”

The man laughed and ran off, crossing the road right in front of oncoming traffic and a car smashed right into him. It was bound to happen because the driver was blind so never saw him coming.

The officer led Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight into the station and over to the interrogation room, just as Commissioner Gor Done Like A Dinner was leaving it. He was talking on his phone. “I have a lead for you to go on, Bat And Two Balls Between My Legs Man.”

Handcuffs? BDSM? Leads? Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight was thinking she must have landed in the middle of a porn set. The officer led her into the interrogation room and sat her down at the table in the middle of it. She looked at the man sitting next to her. He looked familiar.

“Aren’t you Stephen King Author the First?” she asked.

The man nodded.

Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight smiled. “What are you in for?”

Stephen King Author the First turned to her. He looked at her with steely eyes. “Research.”

Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight thought for a moment about the puddle of pee that had formed between her legs. Then, panic set in. She jumped up from the chair she was sitting in and ran for the door. The officer closed it and Aunt Esmerolled A Joint Then Smoked It Got High And Now She Can’t Think Straight was trapped. She screamed and the Commissioner turned back to the door. He wanted to go to it but something stopped him. No legs. He got no legs. The Commissioner looked at If A Tree Falls On Forrest Gump Would Anyone Give A Fuck. “Don’t just stand there looking stupid.
Do
something.”

If A Tree Falls On Forrest Gump Would Anyone Give A Fuck looked at the box in his hands. “Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates.” He looked around him and saw hurt and pain and angst. “Life ain’t
nothing
like
a box of fucking chocolates.” He threw the box on the floor and left the building. Before he knew it, a tree fell on him and killed him. Everyone went about their business as if nothing happened. I guess the answer to the question, if a tree falls on Forrest Gump would anyone give a fuck, is no.