The Worst of Me (12 page)

I got roped into putting some of the stuff away, and when I joined my mates in the changing rooms, I was thinking of how to explain why I’d been invisible all day, and how I’d answer casual questions about how things were going with Jonah.
That
didn’t quite come up, though. Everyone stopped talking, so I knew I’d been the topic of conversation. I could have ignored this and crawled back under my stone, but I was so in
the dark about everything else in my life that for once I was going to demand an explanation.

‘Wow, no one’s talking!’ I said. I started to pull off my tracksuit, and added, ‘Weird.’

‘Oh, we were just discussing whether your boyfriend was a total psycho,’ Finian said, casually, and a couple of girls laughed.

‘What’s he done
now
?’ I said wearily, as if I was in on the joke. Inside, my heart was going crazy.

‘Look, it’s nothing. Most guys would do the same in his position,’ Isobel said.

‘What?’ I snapped.

‘He had a go at Ian at lunchtime,’ Isobel said. ‘According to Ian. But look, Ian asked for it, didn’t he? That little private meeting he arranged with you, he must have known there was a risk you’d be seen together and he’s your ex. You can hardly blame Jonah.’ She smiled and shrugged at me, half-heartedly.

‘I didn’t know anything about this,’ I said. ‘What’s he said?’

‘Why don’t you ask him?’ Isobel said, and it sounded harsh, to both of us, apparently, because she added: ‘I mean, Ian’s pissed off about it, so he’s probably not been entirely fair to him. And Ian couldn’t give a crap, anyway, it’s just blokes, you know.’

‘I kind of expected it,’ I said. ‘I told him not to say anything. Is it okay? It’s just blokes?’

Isobel sighed. ‘Ian said Jonah was . . .’ She stopped. ‘What did I just say? Ian was pissed off because he did it in front of Soph, and whatever he’s said about it he’s not going to be fair to Jonah, so there’s no point you hearing it from me.’

‘But I have to hear it from you
as well
, for the same reason. Look, Isobel, you know I need to know.’

‘Ian just said . . . it was pretty intense – threats, swearing, tearing his shirt.’ She looked me in the eye and I was embarrassed that all of our friends were watching, but they must have known more than me already.

‘Cool, though, guys fighting over you,’ Finian said.

I flashed her a horrible look, but . . . had the same thought flashed across my mind? Ian was a nice guy, old-fashioned nice, never really lost his head. Jonah? God knows. I barely knew him. For every moment we’d really connected and seemed like we were meant to be together, there was another when I had no idea what he was thinking about me. I sometimes found that exciting, as if it meant he was too good for me. Did it matter what my mates thought of him when I’d been drifting away from them anyway? But maybe I hadn’t been drifting, so much as being pulled.

After school I went straight to the park, sitting on the bench near the swings where I’d last been with Sam. There were some other kids from our school there, and I wondered if they knew Jonah or me.

I took my phone out of my bag and called him.

‘I asked you not to talk to Ian,’ I said. There was a silence.

‘I talked to Ian.’

‘I know.’ Another silence. ‘What did you say?’

‘What’s the point of me telling you? You can guess. He had no right. He’s a . . .’ he trailed off, swearing.

‘But you know Ian is my friend’s brother.’

‘I know Ian is your ex.’

‘Yeah,
ex
,’ I said.

‘How happy are you about that?’ Jonah asked.

‘I can’t do this any more,’ I said, and shivered. I was aware that there might be no going back, but I needed to push things forward.

‘What exactly can’t you do any more?’

‘You know. I think we should stop seeing each other.’

‘Where are you?’ His voice was already slightly breathless. He was moving. In a sudden flash of paranoia I looked around myself nervously.

‘I’m in the park near my house.’

‘Stay there. I’ll be over soon,’ he said.

‘It’s cold. I’m not staying.’

‘You have to let me talk to you.’ His voice cracked, he sounded as if he was crying. ‘You’re not just going to finish with me without letting me talk to you. Where do you want to meet me?’

‘I’ll stay here,’ I said.

* * *

It took him another twenty minutes or so to get there, and by the time he’d arrived I was freezing cold, blowing on my hands just to feel them. His eyes burned. He was so dark, standing in front of me like a hole someone had torn out of a picture of the park.

‘Let’s hear it, then,’ Jonah said.

I realised I hadn’t planned anything and I had nothing to say. I shrugged and looked around me. ‘It’s got too hard,’ I said.

‘I love you.’

‘Do you?’ I heard the words come out of my mouth, down at the end of the question instead of up, and I sounded so cold. I couldn’t think of a way of undoing it. At the planning stage, if you could call it planning, it hadn’t occurred to me that we would actually break up. I just needed to make a stand and have a fight, find out how I felt about him by forcing him to talk. And as soon as he’d appeared I knew how I felt. I wanted to be holding him. I wanted to get to the next stage where we were through this and okay and together like before. Now there seemed to be no way of getting there.

‘Yes.’ A whisper.

My heart was beating so fast that I couldn’t breathe over it. ‘But my friends —’

‘This is just you and me. Right now, here, this is you and me and how you feel.’

‘I don’t know how I feel.’

‘Okay.’ He turned away from me. ‘I guess I’m wasting your time.’

‘How do you know how you feel?’

‘You mean anyone? Or me, how do I specifically know how I feel?’

‘I mean you. You specifically,’ I said.

‘I know because when I’m around you it’s like I’ve taken a drug that makes me just happy. Just
happy
. When I’m not around you and I think about you, I start to buzz the same way. When I hold you, when I kiss you, it’s like I’m standing in the sun and everything is great. I just can’t believe it’s all one way. I can’t believe I’m the only one who feels the sun, that we’re not both thinking the same thing. I always felt, right from the start, like you knew me and got me. That you saw the worst of me and didn’t care. But if you did feel like that, you’d know. Believe me.’

But I didn’t know. I hadn’t known with Ian and I didn’t know now. Maybe I wasn’t capable of love, or that kind of certainty. The love at first sight thing, that was just getting drunk on hormones, like loving ice cream and wanting more, but not really
love
. It was about wanting them to make you feel good, not the same as caring for them like they were part of you, even when it felt horrible. Maybe if I never saw Jonah again my life would be easier. Things would go back to
normal. I would see him around sometimes, but not that much. All the time I was thinking this, the movie of me and Jonah was playing in my head, the moments when it was me and him and no one else mattered, his smile, the way I felt safe when he touched me, the way I couldn’t sleep at night because I couldn’t wait to see him the next day. It was the same. But I couldn’t tell him that.

‘It’s okay,’ Jonah said. ‘I’m not angry with you.’ He smiled at me. ‘I’ve loved being with you.’ He almost laughed. ‘I’ve had a nice time.’ He was making fun of himself, sounding like a child leaving a birthday party. ‘See you, Cass.’

‘It’s not you,’ I said.

‘I know, it’s not me, it’s you. It’s okay.’ Jonah started to walk away.

‘It’s not me! It’s your friends. It’s my friends.’ I took a breath. ‘I love you.’ The words sounded stupid, as if I was a bad actress reading lines, but I meant it. I think. I couldn’t get the outside me to say what the inside me felt, it was like I was trying to sabotage myself.

He turned back to me. ‘Why do you care what people think?’

‘Everyone does.’

‘So what do you want?’

‘I don’t know. I know I want to be with you.’

‘Do you want to go out in secret?’

I laughed. ‘Yeah, a bit.’

He wasn’t laughing. ‘I can’t do that.’

‘Well, then, I suppose we’ll have to just go back to the way we were. Because I can’t stand the alternative.’

Jonah’s face right then was the loveliest thing I’d ever seen in my life. He looked so happy, and it was for me, it was about me, and I felt happy and sorry and excited and humble.

‘Come home with me?’ he said.

‘What am I going to tell my mum?’

‘Yeah,’ he nodded. ‘There is that.’

‘It’s a school night. I shouldn’t even be here now.’

‘Yeah.’ He reached out and pushed my hair off my face. ‘I just think if I go now I’ll never get you back. You’ll forget how you feel and the next time we talk you’ll have made your mind up. But right now I still have a chance.’

‘Nothing’s going to change.’

‘It changes all the time. Not me. I know how I feel. But you don’t really feel the way I do.’

‘Why do you want that, then? That shouldn’t be enough.’

‘I don’t think I have a choice,’ Jonah said. ‘I can’t stand the alternative.’

It was getting dark, and I had to go home.

‘Oh, there you are,’ my mum said. ‘Tea’s ready. Listen,
would you be okay for a couple of hours? I have to drive round to a colleague and pick up a load of paperwork because she’s not going to be in tomorrow and she was off sick today.’

‘Where’s Paul?’

‘Paul’s out this evening. Are you going to be okay?’

‘I’m sixteen. I could be living alone at my age. I could legally move out tomorrow,’ I said. I searched her face for a reaction to this. If she felt guilty it didn’t show.

‘I always worry about you,’ she said. ‘Tracey lives forty miles away, so I’ll be gone till at least nine.’

‘I’m fine!’

‘I’ve made your tea. It’s just ricey soup. Is that okay?’

‘It’s great, Mum.’

‘Okay, I’ll dash off now so I can be back as early as possible.’

Before she’d even got in her car, I texted Jonah:
Has your bus come yet?

Jonah:
On it now. Why?

Me:
Oh nothing then. Mum out for next 2 hrs ish. Alone, thought you might want to come round.

Jonah:
Getting off bus. Only gone 2 stops. Will run.

I knew. I was looking out of the window, waiting for him, and when I saw the shape of his body, his walk with the slightly lowered left shoulder . . . I knew. I opened the door before he knocked and pulled at his arm, dragging him over the threshold.

‘Are you hungry?’ I said. ‘My mum made soup.’

‘No.’

‘Me neither.’

He held my face and kissed me hard, fast, so I couldn’t keep my balance, but he caught me in his other arm, and steadied me against the banister.

‘You can keep me a secret if you want,’ he whispered.

‘No way!’ I said, still kissing him. ‘I only go out with you because you’re easy on the eye. What’s the point of a secret trophy boyfriend?’

We snogged in the hallway for a while and I was so excited and nervous I wanted to giggle. I led him upstairs and we sat on my bed and then everything seemed to slow down and I wasn’t sure what was going on. My stomach rumbled and I was embarrassed.

‘Maybe you should eat something,’ Jonah said.

‘I’m not hungry. Well, obviously parts of me would disagree with that, but I really don’t feel like eating.’ I leaned forwards and started kissing him again. ‘I think we should . . . right now . . . I think I want to go all the way,’ I whispered.

‘Cassidy,’ Jonah said. ‘We should talk about this first . . .’

‘I want to,’ I said. ‘I know what I’m doing.’

‘But your mum will be back.’

‘Not for ages.’

‘But if it happens, when it happens, I want to . . . you know, hold you. All night. I don’t want you throwing me out the door with my trousers over one arm.’

‘Oh,’ I said. I was suddenly mortified, as if he was calling me easy.

‘Don’t look like that. Do you think I don’t want this more than anything in my whole life? I’m just not used to you being so . . . direct, it’s a bit . . .’

‘It’s putting you off?’

‘No, of course not. I just want things to be, you know, I don’t want you to feel —’

‘This is all the time we ever have. I can’t stay with you, you can’t stay with me. This is . . . seriously, have I freaked you out? I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know what to say. You know I
don’t
know what I’m doing, don’t you? I’ve never . . .’

I looked for reassurance and couldn’t find it. I’d killed the mood. Why hadn’t I stopped myself from talking? In the movies people didn’t talk, they didn’t try to arrange things like an over-eager puppy. They let the boy take the lead, or knew how to take the lead themselves.

‘This is my first time, too,’ Jonah said. He swallowed quite noisily, and I tried not to look as though I was bothered. In actual fact I was glad. It was nice, and I was relieved, but it terrified me too.

‘How?’ I said.

‘Well . . . it just is. My last girlfriend didn’t feel ready.’ He looked a little like Ian as he pressed his lips together shyly.

‘Oh.’

Jonah laughed. ‘Don’t look like that. I have a fairly good idea of what I’m doing. It’s going to be okay.’

It wasn’t okay. As soon as he started it hurt so much I wanted to cry. I thought I might be able to hold on, but I had to tell him to stop. I thought there must be something wrong with my body. Then I whispered that I was ready to try again, but I realised he was getting
further away from me, in every sense, until he shook his head and rolled on to his back, lying with one arm on the pillow, looking at the ceiling.

I lay next to him, shrinking as much as I could in my skinny little bed, staring at the posters on my walls. When my skin moved against his, I felt like I was bothering him and he probably couldn’t stand to be near me. I would have given anything to undo what had just happened. Maybe he was the right boy, but it hadn’t been the right time: I didn’t know him well enough. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. I couldn’t laugh with him about things going wrong. I listened to him breathing and tried to make my breathing silent. If he’d gone another second without speaking I would have screamed.