The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (347 page)

I was hoping sleep would erase the anxiety weighing me down, but it failed. I was a nervous wreck, questioning everything that I had lived for the past sixteen years. Was I ready to give up and start over, or was it time to give Dean and me a chance to rediscover a love that was lost?

I dragged myself out of bed and took a quick shower. As the water sprayed my hair and led down my back, my mind was racing with confusion. Thoughts of
him
and Dean collided, forcing my heart to shatter and the tears to hide within the veil of the water that was trying so desperately to wash my body clean of the guilt and pain seeping out of my pores. My breath caught in my throat as the panic settled into my chest. I tried to choke back the tears, but it was pointless. I was stupid to think that I could elude this. To think I would stay numb after the feelings that invaded deep into my core no more than twenty-four hours ago. The strength left my body and forced me to slide down to the tile floor. I could hear my cries echo off the walls of the shower. I could feel myself breaking. Every piece of my sanity was slipping away. I had wanted so desperately to feel, but now all I wanted was to be numb again. This pain was too much. I could feel the pressure of the future breaking down my walls with a sledgehammer. I couldn't keep living like this. Something had to change.

****

H
igh School Years

I didn't know what it was about mine and Dean's relationship, but it progressed quickly and intensely. Maybe it was the distance. We lived several cities away from each other and only saw each other on the weekends, so those times were precious. We spent a lot of time with his friends. Kylie and I spent less time together, because for whatever reason, the natural ways of a relationship seemed to push friendships aside. I missed her, but we still caught up at school. It just wasn't the same. I sometimes felt her jealousy of Dean. It made me sad, but being with Dean became an addiction much worse than a drug. I was possessive of his time and craved his attention. I felt mildly insane when we weren't together. I wasn't sure what was happening to me since all of this was foreign to me, but I knew that I wanted to be with him and that was all that mattered.

Tonight we were going to a bonfire at one of the local beach hangouts. I told my parents I was sleeping at Kylie's house. They never really questioned me because I rarely went out, and I was an "A" student. I felt slightly guilty for lying to them, but my feelings for Dean overshadowed that quickly. I asked Kylie to come with me tonight, so she was on her way over. She wasn't the biggest fan of Dean's crowd, but it had been awhile since we'd hung out like this. Dean and I had been seeing each other for a few months now, and I wanted to share this new part of my life with my best friend.

There was a light knock on the door. "Come in."

Kylie popped her head inside.

"Hi," she said ineptly.

Ugh! I hated that things were so weird between us now. "Hi. Thanks for coming with me."

"Sure. It sounds like fun. Any particular reason you invited me tonight?" she asked as she jumped on my bed and made herself comfortable.

"I am thinking of going all the way with Dean tonight," I blurted out.
That sounded so lame.

"Wow. Okay. That's pretty huge coming from you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I was kind of offended.

"Come on, Len. We both know you're a total prude. You might have balls, but you've always had a bigger bark than bite."

I couldn't be mad at her because she was right. I didn't take things like this lightly, and until I met Dean, I assumed I would stay a virgin until I was married, but it just felt right with him. I could see us getting married one day. I knew it sounded ridiculous, but something deep within me told me it wasn't just a teenage fling. What we had was something more.

"You're serious, aren't you? I can read it on your face."

"I never had much of a poker face."

"Whoa!" She threw her head back on the mattress dramatically. "Aren't you scared of things changing?"

"Changing how?"

"What if that's all he wants and then he bails on you?"

"He's not like that, Ky.
We
aren't like that." Now she was just pissing me off. "I get that you're jealous..."

She cut me off.

"First of all, Len, I'm not jealous. I'm hurt. You have been in this fantasy bubble ever since you met Dean and you forgot about me, the one person who has always been there for you. You haven't invited me to hang with you guys in forever, and then the second you need me to hold your hand, you call me. It's pretty fucked up." She jumped off the bed and headed toward the door.

"Wait, Ky. I'm sorry. You're right. I've been a bad friend."

"I just don't get it. This isn't you, Lennox.
You
don't put guys before friends.
You
don't talk about having sex and
you
most certainly don't act like a lunatic. You're supposed to be the level-headed one. I'm the boy crazy one, remember?"

"I know." I was ashamed at how I had treated her. She really was an incredible friend. She came and sat back down beside me.

"I get it, Lenny. You're in love. Love makes you do crazy things, but do me a favor and take me along for the ride with you, okay?" She pulled me into a side hug.

"I will, Kylie. I'm sorry." I quickly wiped away a tear.

"Oh my God! Are you kidding me? The tough little Lennox is shedding a tear. For me. You are in love!"

Her dramatics had me giggling in no time. "Thank you." I knew I didn't need to say anything else. She knew me better than I knew myself.

"Well, I guess we should pick out some cute panties."

Her chuckling was highly contagious, so I joined her as we rifled through my drawers.

****

I
t was a warm summer evening at the beach. The breeze was mild, and the stars were blazing above. The night couldn't be more perfect for what I had in mind. My stomach was in knots, and the warm breeze tickled my skin. As Kylie and I walked through the sand to the massive fire near the water, my heart was racing and my body was electrified. I could feel the heat of the fire as we approached. I searched the large crowd of people until my eyes landed on Dean. He was sitting on a blanket.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" She nudged me forward.

"What are you going to do?" I asked, somewhat concerned after our heart to heart.

She pointed to a cute guy standing off to the side drinking a beer. "Him." She started laughing. "Just go. I'll be fine, but don't ditch me. You can disappear, but no leaving me behind."

"I promise." I watched as she walked over to the guy, trying to stall for a few more minutes before I joined Dean. I wanted to do this, but I was scared. What if he didn't like me after this? What if what I felt for him wasn't mutual? Could I survive another round of depression? The last episode left my arms scarred. I'm not sure why I chose physical pain as my escape from the emotional pain, but the first time I cut myself it calmed me in a way that nothing else could. It was reckless and immature, but when I reached my lows, there was no controlling what I could do. I was diagnosed with manic depression, but refused medication, so I dealt with it in my own way.

"Hey."

All of a sudden Dean was standing next to me. I really was dazing a lot these days. I didn't even see him come over.

"Hi."

He lifted my chin gently. His touch sent chills down my spine. He grazed his lips along mine, causing a frictional vibration between us. He lingered for a moment and then pressed softly on them. His kisses always left me weightless. I let his lips explore mine as my hands crept up his neck and grabbed hold of his thick chocolate locks. His tongue separated my lips gently and penetrated my mouth. Our tongues danced and twirled like fireflies spinning in the midnight sky. I melted in his arms, and my body yearned for more. I knew from his kiss that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. As our passion intensified, he pulled away and locked eyes with me.

"Want to go somewhere a little less crowded?" he begged in a whisper.

I didn't have the words, so I just nodded. Dean took my hand in his and led me over to the blanket. He scooped it up and continued leading us down the beach to a quiet, deserted spot between some cliff rocks.

"Is this okay?"

I was still speechless. My nerves had taken over and paralyzed my voice. I just smiled and managed a quiet utterance of agreement. After the blanket was spread out, we both sat down and watched as the waves crashed on the beach, producing a magical sound. It was remarkable how nature had its own beautiful melody. I caught a glimpse of a shooting star, so I closed my eyes and wished for the night to be perfect.

"What did you wish for?"

I blushed at being caught doing something so childish. "I can't tell you, or it won't come true," I teased.

"Well, we wouldn't want that to happen, would we?"

His voice made my fingers tremble. It was smooth, precise, and sexy as hell. He leaned over, stroked my cheek and then kissed me again. This time it was more determined. I reciprocated and pulled him on top of me. My body was on fire. As his lips left mine and made their way down my neck, my breath deepened. I gripped onto the back of his neck for leverage. He started rocking his hips on top of me as our desire heightened. I peeled off his shirt and explored his hard smooth chest with my fingers first and then my tongue. His body was impeccable, and the heat radiating from his chest against the night chill made me lust for our skin to touch. As if he read my mind, his hands slipped up my sides causing me to arch my back in anticipation.

He smoothly slid my shirt over my head, revealing my black lace bra. I was far from blessed in filling it out, but they were enough. His lips lunged at my neck as his free hand explored my bra and cupped my breast. At this point, I was pathetically panting and silently begging for more. He felt the urgency as I dug my nails into his back. He unhooked my bra and slid it off gracefully. He admired my naked beauty.

"Are you sure about this, Lennox?"

I was afraid if I said anything it would ruin this moment, so instead, I pulled him down and kissed him deeply. He unbuttoned my jeans and helped me slide out of them effortlessly. He pulled his pants off and laid down next to me wrapping the blanket over us. We both rested on our arms and took in the reality of the journey we were about to embark together. This was his first time, too. He was always so gentle with me. I couldn't imagine him breaking my heart.

He reached out and stroked his thumb on my bottom lip. I instinctively started to suck on it. He immediately pulled me on top of him and wrapped his strong arms around my waist and forced his tongue deep within my mouth. His fingers crawled down to my panties and teased the top of the band. I wanted him so bad. The anticipation was going to make me explode before the actual event.

He rolled me over and angled his body above me so his fingers could inch their way down my thigh. He took in the pleasure and torture on my face as his fingers danced around my inner thigh. He slid my panties off and then his briefs. His fingers continued to ignite my leg on fire as they slid up and down while his tongue trailed down my shoulder to my nipple. His lips wrapped around it forcing my nails to dig deeper into his back.

The arousal from this was sending me over the edge, and the breeze on the wetness left behind by his kisses sent goose bumps racing over my breasts and electrifying my core. His tongue entered my mouth as he lunged inside of me. His kiss kept me from screaming out in a mixture of pain and ecstasy as it matched the rocking motion of his pelvis, slow and steady. The feeling was indescribable, and the wet friction between us sent a tingling numbing sensation through me. I couldn't breathe as my moment of pleasure neared. My back arched, and he grabbed hold of me and sucked on my nipple as he thrust into me quicker, pushing my climax to the edge of another existence. I let out a quiet squeal as the numbness turned into shaking. His rocking quickened as he reached his pinnacle moment, too. He gripped my hair as he joined me on the other plane of existence.

After a moment, he released his grip and rested on top of me. Both of our bodies were slightly damp from the workout and the ocean spray. Once we both caught our breath, he looked up and smiled. I couldn't help but giggle.

"That was pretty amazing," he said.

"Yes, it was. It was perfect."

He leaned down and kissed me gently and then rolled off of me. He wrapped us up in the blanket and held onto me tightly.

He whispered into my ear, "I love you, Len."

I smiled in the darkness. "I love you, too."

****

P
resent

As I sat on the shower floor remembering the moment we gave ourselves to each other for the first time, I cried hard. I cried for the lost innocence and for the lost love. I hugged my knees firmly to my chest as the water rushed the memories away. I kept trying to understand how a love so strong and so deep could have led to this. To a moment I could never take back. To my thoughts of leaving it all behind as if it never happened. I was so lost. I was falling, and this time there was no one to catch me.

Dean was the most amazing father. My kids deserved him in their lives as much as possible. The thought of taking that from them was awful. It hurt even more. He was their life, and they were the rocks that anchored him to reality outside of tragedy, loss, and pain. When he was home, he never took their time together for granted. One day in particular stayed with me. The day he came home from a long stretch at work and broke down. The memory emerged as I sat in the corner of the shower.

When Dean walked into the house that morning, I knew something wasn't right. It was written all over his face. I was scared to ask, for fear of upsetting him more. I was in the kitchen making breakfast for the kids before school. The kids jumped off their chairs and screamed in excitement for him to be home as they had done every day since they could walk. He kneeled down and hugged them tightly to his chest. When his eyes met mine, it hit me how bad whatever he went through at work was. A tear escaped his eye, which he quickly wiped away on the shoulder of our son.