Theme Planet (6 page)

“What... now?”

“Yes!”

A pause.

“Really now
? I mean, I haven’t finished
packing...”

“Now, you flat-footed
brain-skewered police-loving bureaucratic fuckwit.”

Dex frowned. “A little harsh,” he
said.

“You deserve it,” glared Katrina,
and threw a pillow at him.

Dex stood in his pyjamas, a
half-packed case on the bed. Kat handed him the comm. Slowly, Dex hit
dial.

It buzzed.

Don’t answer, don’t answer,
please don’t answer, come on, you’ve just been in the shit, the last thing you
really want to do tonight is answer the bloody comm phone...

There was a click.

“Hello?” whined a miserable
voice.

“A-ha-ha-ha,” said Dex.

“Oh. It’s you.”

“Yeah. It’s me.” Dex observed
Katrina out the corner of his eye, where she was frowning at him, practically
with steam erupting from her ears. She stamped her foot. Actually
stamped
it.
He turned his back on her. “Yeah. I, uh, I’ve called to apologise.
About that little misunderstanding tonight. “

“Little misunderstanding?
Tonight? Where you
had me fucking arrested for murdering my own wife and her
lover
?”

“Er,” said Dex.

“I told you I cut myself shaving!”

Dex deflated. He admitted it. He
felt like a dick.

“I admit it,” he said. “I feel
like a dick.”

“And so you should! All the stuff
we’ve been through, mate! I thought you were my friend. I thought we were like
brothers!”

“We are, we are,” said Dex. “It’s
just...”

“Go on.”

“I thought you broke the law,” he
said, quietly. Dex heard Kat give a
huff
behind him and leave the room.
That cheered him up a bit. He straightened his shoulders. “Look. I thought you’d
chopped her up and buried her in the woods. You did just find her in a
compromising, open-legged position...”

“I thought you’d know I could
never do anything like that,” said Pegg.

“Yeah. Well. I apologise.”

“Your PUF boys broke my arm,”
said Pegg.

“I’m sorry about that, as well.
You must have...” “Fallen down the stairs. Yes. Right.” Pegg’s voice had become
stiff and formal. “Your apology is accepted. I hope you have a good holiday.”

“Er. Right. Thank you.”

Pegg rung off. Dex sighed and put
the comm to one side with a
clack.
He jumped when he realised Kat was
standing right behind him. Damn, she could move quietly when she wanted to.

“You’re an idiot,” she said.

“I know,” he said.

“My brother!”

“I know,” he said.

“My own flesh and blood!”

“I thought he’d chopped her up,
Kat. Come on. You’d have done the same.”

“No, I would have discovered the
truth!”

“Okay. Okay. I admit it. I’m the
Bad Man. Shoot me...”

“I will if you don’t get that
packing done! We’re up at
5am.”

“Has daddy packed yet?” came a
shout.

“Can we go out for pizza?”

“Japachinese!”

“Sucky Sushi!”

“Tentacle Soup!”

“Dogmeat Surprise!”

Kat glared at Dex. She punched
him on the arm. He didn’t complain.

“What a day,” he muttered.

“Get packed,” she growled, but
smiled a little, to show him she forgave him. Just a little bit. “We go to the
Theme Planet tomorrow!”

~ * ~

CHAPTER TWO

THEME PLANET

The Shuttle’s alloy
flanks and black glass gleamed violet and orange
under errant sunbeams as the huge, cumbersome vehicle banked ten klicks above
the Earth, and tiny jets erupted with hydrogen bursts as the passenger vehicle
stabilised. Below, the mammoth ball of blue, scattered with cloud trails and
weather cycles, turned with a slow, massive majesty, easing through Her Cycle,
a generous host, a caring Mother, the Earth, Mother Earth, Home of Mankind and
Cradle of Humanity.

Jets flared. The Shuttle’s nose
dipped, and it began a carefully orchestrated descent to Earth’s specially
built Theme Planet Landing Field, a huge building of black alloy and glass,
where hundreds stood behind UV screens watching, cameras poised.
Shuttle
Watching,
they called it, and the galaxyweb was filled with a million
different photos of the same thing from hordes of enthusiasts.

Dexter Colls, Katrina, Molly and
Toffee sat in the Waiting Lounge. Huge screens displayed the Shuttle’s glowing
entry through Earth’s atmosphere and Toffee was visibly
vibrating
with
excitement, hopping from one foot to the other, jigging and
clenching/unclenching her fists. Even Molly, who was keen to find fault and
gloom in practically every situation, was reasonably chatty and had a rapturous
look on her dark, moody features.

The girls scuttled off to see the
Shuttle coming in to land for real, and Dex stretched back, closing his eyes
and rubbing his stubbled chin. But
hell, it was nice not to shave for a
change. Nice to wear scruffs instead of a uniform. Nice to chill out, baby. To
avoid the psychopathic, axe-wielding murderers.

“You’re looking happy with
yourself,” said Kat.

Dex shrugged and grinned. “I was
just thinking how it’s incredibly astute of the authorities to search you at
customs.”

“Meaning?”

“Well,
every single time
we go on holiday, they look at you and think, shit, look at that dodgy rum
bitch. She
must
be carrying something illegal. So they search all your
luggage and bags whilst me and the girls go and eat cakes. You’ve got to admit,
it’s totally hilarious. Must be a genetic thing. “

“Rubbish!” she scowled. “What
they really think is
you’re
the dodgy underhand bastard doing the
smuggling, and that you’ve snuck it into either my case or my loose pants, and
they’re looking for the evidence prior to busting
your
ass.”

“No,” said Dex. “No, no. That’s
not what I see at all.”

Kat slapped his arm. “You’re a
cheeky so-and-so.” Then she snuggled up close to him and yawned. “I can’t
believe how early the alarm went off. I felt like I was going to puke. “

“You’re so lady-like and
sophisticated, my sweet. What you going to chat about next? Toilet habits?
Septic tanks? Severed fish heads?”

“Hey, bugger off! Whoever said I
was ladylike? Conned you there, didn’t I, Dex my sweet?”

He reached down until their lips
were nearly touching. “I still love you, chipmunk.”

“And so you should. I’m the best
fish you’d ever catch on
your
tiny hook.”

They kissed for a long time,
until Dex snorted a laugh. “Do you remember that time you took The Rabbit on
holiday? Showed up on the luggage scanner like... well, like a big pink
vibrator.”

“Shut up.”

“And they took it out of your
case, and the damn thing went off like a firework! Sparks and everything! You
had every damn idiot in the airport staring at you with flapping lips whilst
the uniformed bureaucrats ran around with a sparking, fizzing, burning vibro
thinking it was a bomb about to fucking explode!” He laughed.

“Shut up.”

“Daddy! What are you talking
about?”

“Toffee! We were talking about
what a mad little nutcase you’re turning into.”

“Mummy?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“What’s a mad little nutcase?”

“It’s what Daddy married. Now run
along and fetch Molly, I’m sure they’ll be calling us over to passport control
real soon.”

As Toffee disappeared, Dex rested
his head back and closed his eyes. With his usual cynicism, he said, “Yeah.
Right. Well, if we catch that Shuttle on time it’ll be a fucking first.” But
Dex was wrong. The Shuttle was on time. And they boarded, to the
second,
at the time indicated on their glowing holo-tickets.

Theme Planet ran a perfect show.

Theme Planet prided itself in the
art of
perfection.

~ * ~

“Daddy,
I
can
see the clouds!”

“No, sweetie, we haven’t taken
off yet.”

“Can I have some Crispo Crisps?”

“No.”

“Cokey Cola?”

“No.”

“Spunky Spunk Chocolate?”

“Spun...
What?”

“Spunky Spunk Chocolate, the
Spunkiest Chocolate alive! It was all over Kiddy Kid Kid TV yesterday, ask
Molly, Molly will tell you, won’t you Molly? Tell Daddy about the new Spunky
Spunk Chocolate full of Spunky Spunk. It’s the next big thing. All the kids in
school are eating it.”

Dex gritted his teeth and stared
hard at Katrina. She gave a tight little smile. “So. You’ll be writing
another
letter of complaint to the GGC when we get home, dear?”

“Damn bloody right,” he muttered.
“Talk about inappropriate. Is it me getting old and grumpy? Or is the world
simply tumbling down a toilet into rat-shit?”

“A bit of both, my darling. Look,
we’re going to the Theme Planet to
relax.
So start by relaxing
now.
Okay?”

“Hmmm,” said Dex, and put his
Caterpillar Headphones into his ears. He gave a little shiver as the earpieces
wriggled into his aural canals, but after the initial discomfort, they began
delivering the soothing music of Mozart the Tenth (otherwise known as MozieX).

Time to relax. Time to relax. I
know it’s time to relax, and I should put back my head and close my eyes and
listen to the music. We’ll get to the hotel, settle in nicely, have a fine meal
and an evening stroll on the beach. Back to the room, kids in bed, open a
bottle of Chablis and wriggle under the soft covers for a cuddle and a
giggle... just like old times, just like the best times, just like it used to
be...

Katrina nudged him.
“‘We’re
getting ready to take off.”

Dex glanced right, and the kids
were strapped in their seats, eyes shining. For once,
for once,
they
weren’t jiggling, complaining or arguing. And that in itself was a minor
miracle.

“We’re going to fly!” said
Toffee, peering out of the Shuttle’s window. As the smallest, she sat closest
to the porthole.

Molly peered past her. “Look. You
can see the moon!”

“We’re going past the moon,” said
Toffee.

“Flying up, up, up into space!”
beamed Molly.