Then Comes Marriage (42 page)

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

There is really only one thing that I know for sure: no human being knows what life has in store for them. Edie Windsor surely didn't. As a young woman growing up in Philadelphia during the Depression and World War II, she obviously had no idea what the future would hold. The same, of course, is true for me. As a closeted lesbian in high school in Cleveland, Ohio, in the early 1980s, as a closeted college student at Harvard in the mid 1980s, or as a slightly less closeted law student at Columbia Law School in the late 1980s,
if
you had told me that that one day, as an out litigation partner at Paul, Weiss, I would marry a woman, have a child, and then win a landmark civil rights case before the United States Supreme Court, I would have told
you
that you were certifiably insane. But neither Edie nor I got to this place on our own. As a result, while I am not someone who is easily intimidated, I have to admit that I found writing the acknowledgements for this book intimidating, not because of writer's block or the amount of work involved, but out of a realistic concern that there are so many people to thank.

First and foremost, I need to thank my partners at Paul, Weiss LLP, most particularly our firm chair, Brad Karp, who supported me in this endeavor from the very beginning. The very first paragraph in our Statement of Firm Principles, written by Judge Simon Rifkind four years before I was born, states that “Our objectives are, by pooling our energies, talents and resources, to achieve the highest order of excellence in the practice of the art, the science and the profession of the law; through such practice to earn a living and to derive the stimulation and pleasure of worthwhile adventure; and in all things to govern ourselves as members of a free democratic society with responsibilities both to our profession and our country.” Doing pro bono cases like
United States
v. Windsor
is part of the embedded DNA of our law firm, which is one of the many reasons that I am so proud to be a Paul, Weiss partner. A special thanks (and more) is due to the “core members” of the Paul, Weiss team (Craig Benson, Andrew Ehrlich, Julie Fink, Jaren Janghorbani, Joshua Kaye, Colin Kelly, Alexia Koritz, Nila Merola, Melissa Monteleone, and Walter Rieman) as well as all the many other current and former Paul, Weiss lawyers who made significant contributions to
Windsor
and our case in Mississippi (Amy Beaux, Janna Berke, Rick Bronstein, Zachary Dietert, Jimmy Fleming, Sarah Foley, Ryan Goldstein, Alan Halperin, Rachel Harris, Jacob Hupart, Lauren Janian, Carol Kaplan, Neil Kelly, Michael Nadler, Ralia Polechronis, Davin Rosborough, Jacobus Schutte, Warren Stramiello, and Alexandra Walsh). What
United States
v.
Windsor
means is that what we as lawyers do every day, as part of what I still believe to be a noble profession, matters a lot. And we could not do what we do without the unbelievable talent and work ethic of our staff here at Paul, Weiss, including Marc Arena, Dan Conniff, John Hearn, John Hodder, Kate McCartin, Terry Moot, Danyale Price, and Axel Rudolph, and most of all my fabulous assistants Laurie Morris and Claudette Wilson.

I next have to thank Pam Karlan, her co-director Jeffrey Fisher, and her brilliant students at Stanford Law School (Michael Baer, Elisabeth Dooley, Bailey Heap, and Nico Martinez). There are a lot of smart people in the world and Pam is surely among the smartest. But what amazes me most about Pam is not her off-the-charts IQ but her fundamental decency as a human being. While I have met a lot of smart people in my life, I have met precious few who are as fundamentally kind as Pam. In a speech she delivered at Stanford, Pam gave her students the following advice: “Do pro bono work because it's the right thing to do and because what you're doing will make the world better, not because someone is watching. Pick projects that promote justice or freedom or fairness or peace or dignity or a cleaner environment, not just projects that promote you. The point is to connect and not to look good to the crowd.” I cannot think of a single person who better personifies those words than Pam Karlan.

I also owe a huge debt of gratitude to James Esseks and the Windsor team at the ACLU (Joshua Block, Leslie Cooper, Rose Saxe, and Steve Shapiro). I am so grateful to James for having the imagination to ask me to work with him on the New York marriage equality case more than a decade ago and for putting up with me ever since. In a piece James wrote after the death of Judge Robert Carter, for whom James clerked, James quotes the following passage written by Judge Carter about his attempt to integrate the swimming pool at his New Jersey high school in the early 1930s: “I could not swim at the time, but at every gym class, choked up and near tears with emotion and defiance, I would get in the pool at its shallow end and cling to the side of the pool until the period ended. None of the white boys used the pool with me in it, so there I was clinging to the side of the pool for dear life until the period ended.” As James concludes, “We can see in the adolescent Bob Carter the man who would have the temerity to fight an accepted wrong, the fortitude to persevere over decades, and the courage to transform his own life as a means of changing other people's lives and eventually the entire country.” What James Esseks wrote about Judge Carter could just as easily and accurately be said about James himself.

A further thank-you is in order to the other members of Team Windsor, including Mary Bonauto, the Italian American superwoman (sans spandex) from New England who helped walk us all down the aisle, and her colleague Gary Buseck of the Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders. Professor Suzanne Goldberg of Columbia Law School and Alan Morrison of George Washington Law School were incredibly generous with their time, enduring countless phone calls where they offered their ideas, edits, and advice. Hilary Rosen, Olivia Alair, and the rest of their team at SKD Knickerbocker; Lisa Green here at Paul, Weiss; as well as my friends Anthony Hayes and Valerie Berlin provided the best possible counsel and support in dealing with the torrent of the media surrounding the Supreme Court argument and decision. And it has been a pleasure and an honor to work with Chad Griffin and Fred Sainz of HRC as well as Professor Dale Carpenter of the University of Minnesota Law School and Professor Steve Sanders of Indiana University Maurer School of Law on The People's Brief.

Twenty-two years ago, I was assigned to work on a case with Colleen McMahon, the first Paul, Weiss woman litigation partner, who is also from Ohio and who had also arrived at the firm by way of an Ivy League law school almost two decades before me. That was probably the best assignment I ever received. And the next-best assignment I received was three years later, when I got a call from Marty London asking me to fly to Tokyo because of something having to do with trading in copper. There are few phrases I wrote in the
Windsor
brief without first thinking to myself,
“How would Marty/Colleen put it?”
They both taught me what it means to be a lawyer. Fortunately, I didn't have to imagine any such hypotheticals for Marty Flumenbaum, since his office is next to mine. I am so lucky to have so many old and new friends among my Paul, Weiss partners, like Allan Arffa, Bob Atkins, Lynn Bayard, Dan Beller, Bruce Birenboim, Chris Boehning, Jay Cohen, Kelley Cornish, Michael Gertzman, Claudia Hammerman, Brian Hermann, Michele Hirshman, Merrie Kane, Alan Kornberg, Dan Kramer, Valerie Radwaner, Walter Ricciardi, Richard Rosen, Jacqui Rubin, Liz Sacksteder, Bob Schumer, Moses Silverman, Eric Stone, Maria Vullo, Ted Wells, Beth Wilkinson, and Julia Wood. The same is true for Judge Judith S. Kaye and Judge Mark L. Wolf, who taught me that judges can be faithful to the law, true to the Constitution, and loyal to our better selves.

This book never would have happened had Lisa Dickey not come to me a year ago and proposed to help me chronicle our journey on the
Windsor
case. I am so grateful to her for creating order out of disorder and for helping me to find my voice. Amy Cherry looks, sounds, and acts like the platonic ideal of a book editor—she and her team at W. W. Norton are the real deal. And last but certainly not least, Gail Ross is an incredible agent, always there with wise and cogent advice.

Thanks as well to my parents, Richard and Bess Kaplan, who always encouraged me in my crazy dreams, and who still faithfully take the trip from Cleveland to New York several times a year, although I suspect that may now have more to do with seeing their grandson, Jacob. Since marrying Rachel, my family has grown in wonderful ways. In addition to my own brother, Peter, I now have the big family I always wanted, and I am so grateful for all the brilliant ideas and edits on this book offered by my sister-in-law, Rebecca Lavine; my brother-in-law, Adam Lavine; his wife, Aiko Lavine; and my mother-in-law, Gladys Lavine. Our nephews and niece—Shingo Lavine, Ayano Lavine, and Ari Lavine—have provided me with the best help of all—an unconditional and constant cheering section. While I am grieved that neither Rachel's father, David Lavine, nor my grandmother Belle Horwitz of blessed memory lived to see
United States
v. Windsor
, they helped to inspire every single gutsy move I made.

Edie is right that as gay people, we choose our own families. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful extended family of friends like Emily Giske, Annie Washburn, Karen Keogh, Emma Dryden, Anne Corvi, Deborah Glick, Leslie Sharpe, Nina Morrison, Terrence McNally, Tom Kirdahy, Amy Rutkin, Bruce Anderson, Daniel Maury, Andrew Sendall, Sharon Nelles, and Monica Graham, many of whom made the trek to Washington, DC, or New Orleans for my arguments. I am so grateful for the amazing community we have at the Conservative Synagogue of the Hamptons, led by Stacey Menzer, Michael Summa, and our amazing rabbi and my dear friend, Jan Uhrbach. This list must also include Edward DeBonis and Brendan Fay, who had the crazy idea of acting as “Edie–Robbie” matchmakers in the first place, as well as Jacob's beloved nanny, Ellie Alvarez, Lizzy Peters, and Jacob's incredible teacher Terry Trent, who have become members of the extended Kaplan-Lavine clan.

Thanks to my clients in the Mississippi case, Rebecca “Becky” Bickett, Andrea Sanders, Jocelyn “Joce” Pritchett, and Carla Webb; and the Campaign for Southern Equality, as well as Jasmine Beach-Ferrara, Meghann Burke, Diane (“Dizy”) Walton, Aaron Sarver, Paula Garrett, Donna Reed, Harvey Pfizer, Rob McDuff, and Sibyl Byrd, who taught me what Southern hospitality really means. Because of them, I finally got a chance to drive through Texas, Louisiana, and Mississippi listening to Lucinda Williams songs, making (all too) frequent stops for fried chicken, etouffee, and barbecue.

Thanks to Edie, of course, for being everything she is, was, and will be. And thanks to Thea Spyer for being there for me when I really needed her.

Finally, and most importantly, even as someone who really likes to talk, I don't have words to express the love and gratitude I feel for my wife, Rachel Lavine, and our son, Jacob Philip Kaplan-Lavine. For me, Rachel and Jacob truly are, to borrow Jacob's now not-so-secret password, “the greatest things in the world.” Without Rachel, my
bashert
or soulmate, not only would I never have had the guts to take on the fight for the civil rights of LGBT Americans, but this book would have been a much less compelling (and honest) read. And without Jacob, I never would have had so much joy in my life.

INDEX

Page numbers listed correspond to the print edition of this book. You can use your device's search function to locate particular terms in the text.

ABC Nightly News, 297

“activist judges,” 55

adoption, 33–39, 63, 64, 74, 80–84.
See also
parenthood

African American civil rights movement, 145–46, 300, 303–5, 307, 309–10, 312

AIDS epidemic, 20, 29, 30, 49

Alito, Samuel, 187, 255, 275–77, 292

Alvaré, Helen, 208

Alvarez, Ellie, 258–59

Amazon, 212

Amedure, Scott, 40

AMERICAblog, 143–44

American Civil Liberties Union, 30, 56, 65–67, 80, 118, 206

awards Roger Baldwin Medal of Liberty to Edie, 160, 162–63

Windsor
and, 123–25, 126–30, 132, 143, 232

American Pediatric Association, 72

American Psychiatric Association, 72, 190

American Psychological Association, 190

amicus briefs, 72, 206–9, 210–14, 234, 316–18.
See also
specific cases

antiapartheid movement, 53

antigay arguments, 72–73.
See also
homophobia;
specific categories of arguments

antisodomy laws, 51–52, 64, 72, 185

Apple, 212

Aravosis, John, 143–44

Arkansas, 80

Arkansas Supreme Court, 80

Arthur, John, 316, 317

Auden, W. H., “The Prophets,” 296–97

Baehr, Ninia, 30