These Is My Words (27 page)

Captain Elliot, I said, how old are you?

He wrinkled up his forehead and said, Thirty. What has that got to do with cows?

I don’t know, I said, and I purely didn’t. Were we talking about cows?

No, he said. Actually, we were talking about cows we could buy if you’d see it to sell all the horses except a couple. And if you’d be interested in a partnership.

What? What kind of partnership? I said. Now I was really puzzled.

So he took a deep breath and started again, like he had just said all the words before. Well, Miss Sarah, he said, I was thinking I have some real fond feelings for you, and for your baby too. And I never planned to do this but I can see that I am bound to keep running out to this ranch and I cannot sleep at night for worrying about your safety. So I thought I will ask you to marry me.

Well, I have to admit I have spent a few hours in the last few days pondering what I would do if he came up with a suggestion like that, as his attentions have lately seemed to grow more earnest and showed all the signs mentioned in the Happy Bride. Sometimes I imagined I would laugh and spurn him and send him running, scalded with harsh words, and most times I imagined what it would be like to wake up next to him of a morning.

Walking here in the broken evening light, I secretly suspected he would say something like that, but suddenly I didn’t like the sound of it at all. It was too much like what Jimmy said, you’re a good cook, and I’m a hand with horses, so together let’s build a ranch, and I didn’t want to be just a partnership, I want to be a wife like Savannah.

So I said to him, Well, you better think again, you are not asking the right question. He was purely puzzled, I could tell. April started to squirm, so I set her down but she held onto my skirts.

He said again, I am asking you to please marry me, please? He was stressing the pleases like that would make the difference. I just walked away.

Why should I? I asked, just because you rescued me again?

Well, no, he hollered, kind of mad.

Well then, why? I said back, just as mad.

Why? Why? What do you mean why? He was getting real upset, and it was the first time I have ever seen his feathers ruffled, no matter what.

Exactly that, I said, Why?

Because, he started, and got all red in the face and then he said these words, Because I love you more than I knew was possible and I need you. And I want to care for you all the rest of our lives and I want to marry you.

Well, I said, feeling like a cat with a cornered mouse, that’s a pretty good reason, but you are still not asking the right question.

I stuck my nose in the air and walked away from him, with April stumbling along behind. He was struck dumb for some minutes, and I knew for the first time, I had got the best of Jack Elliot. He always thinks he has me figured, or that he is in charge just because he is a man and is big and handsome and all.

He came up after me and said, Well, Sarah, I think the world of you and admire you a great deal.

Well, I said, any man who knows me could admire me but I don’t want to be married to someone just because he thinks I’d make a good wife. I know I make a good wife, I work hard and clean house and sew and cook a fine cobbler. That’s not the question, either.

Well, he shocked me good, for he threw down his hat and said, Damnation, Sarah, you can take the starch right out of a man. What is it you want? What will it take to make you want to marry me?

And so I turned around and smiled a tiny smile. That, I said, was the right question. Then suddenly I couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth, as if I had practiced a speech, but I hadn’t at all. All it will take Jack Elliot, is for you to swear that you hold no secret longings for some other woman, and that when you say you love me you mean it.

Then he grabbed me in his arms and kissed me hard, and we stood in the shade a long time, kissing each other in a most indecent way, which I have grown to like quite a bit.

July 31, 1885

Savannah and I cleared the table and did dishes while the men talked. Later we sat on the porch and watched the south hills, as the sky was full of distant clouds and lightning flashes. Melissa Raalle came skipping over and called out, Auntie Savannah! Mama wants me to borrow some molasses if you have any. So Savannah went into the house to fetch it, and left me with the men and the babies on the porch. Melissa grinned and giggled into her hand.

Albert smiled at her and said, Have you got a secret, Melissa? She nodded yes. Are you going to tell it? he asked her. She shook her head no. Melissa always has a secret, he said to Jack, and both men tried to look very interested in her secret, which made her blush and giggle, entirely pleased with all the attention she was getting.

After a bit she said, I’ll tell Uncle Albert! and she climbed up on his lap and put her hand on his ear and said loud enough for all of us to hear, I saw Mr. Jack and Miss Sarah hiding in the trees and they were kissing!

Albert looked at me, kind of shocked and foolish, and said Sarah!

Jack looked at me the same way, and said Sarah! Then he said to Albert behind his hand, but loud enough for me to hear, I can tell you I was there, and it was a scandalous act! Then both of those hooligans started to laugh, and Albert whispered something back to Melissa which sent her into peals of giggles.

Well, you three can just sit there and laugh yourselves silly! I said, and walked into the house to find Savannah.

She was coming towards the door with a jar of molasses she was wiping with a wet rag, and said, Sarah, what is the matter?

Men are low and vulgar. They must be born that way, I said, As any time you get two in the same room they either fight each other or join up and nuisance someone else. Those two are teasing me. Savannah just smiled and nodded, and set the jar down. Then she took my hands and led me to her fireside chairs and we sat facing each other. She just kept looking at me, suspicious and smiling, until I said, Savannah, what is it?

Did he ask you yet? She said.

I sucked in my breath. You knew? You knew before he did it?

She nodded. He told us last time he was here he wanted to marry you. She lowered her voice to a whisper and hugged me. Oh, Sarah, I’m so happy for you!

Well, don’t you want to know what I answered?

Then she looked puzzled and a bit stunned. You mean you told him no?

Why shouldn’t I tell him no? I said. Suddenly, I was feeling strained and odd, and I said, I’m not in any hurry to get married again.

Savannah looked more shocked. But Sarah, she said, I’ve seen how you look at him, how you blush when his name is mentioned, I’ve heard how your voice gets soft when you say his name. And then that time in town when Harland saw him but he didn’t see us, and we all saw you nearly faint because of it. I thought you were sweet on him, she whispered more like a statement than a question.

What could she mean? It was only the heat made me faint that day. Savannah, I said, What do you think of Jack Elliot? Is he a scoundrel? Is he a liar? I can’t think anymore, he has my mind addled something awful. Do you think he loves me?

Savannah just smiled. Oh, Sarah, she said, all he talks about is you. He writes us letters and asks after your health, he wants to know everything about you and how to make you happy.

Well, I said, He doesn’t write me letters. What kind of way is that to show a girl you love her? Do you believe him? Would he say all that to trick me into marrying him, like, like Jimmy did?

Savannah’s face got somber and all the smiling swept from her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak, then stopped, then tried again and said, Jimmy wasn’t such a good man, Sarah. I’m sorry to say this but Albert told me some shameful things about him.

I said, You know, Savannah, I thought he would make a good husband, but I know he didn’t love me much at all. I was just handy, and useful to him. Whatever you know about him that had Albert so mad all that time, I wish you would tell me so I can stop worrying about it.

Savannah dropped my hands and looked hard into the fireplace, all black and dark, but clean as a whistle, without an ash or cinder to show when the last fire was there. Sarah, she started, then her voice made a funny gasp, He used to go to town.

I know that, I said, He went on business, and brought home ranch goods.

Well, that’s not all, she said, When he went to town, he went to see. Oh, Sarah, he lied to you and pretended to be a good husband, but he went to Maiden Lane all the time, and after you were married he went more than he did before. He had done it for years, that is why Albert didn’t want him for a brother in law. Even though they grew up together, Albert had no respect for a man who would behave like that while he was married.

I stared into the black fireplace too. That explained a lot of those trips to town, when Jimmy would get mad every time and not want me with him. I asked her, Is there anything else?

Savannah took a deep breath, and said, Mr. MacIntosh wrote us and asked if we had seen Jimmy, and that he had paid him with some horses, but only with ten. All the others he had with him, Jimmy had taken in the night from a far pasture. But we couldn’t tell you, because we didn’t know it until after you had betrothed each other. It was too late. We wrote Mr. MacIntosh about it, and he must be very rich because he wrote back to us that you should keep the horses then, as it was the most valuable thing you’d get from the marriage because, she stammered, because he said Jimmy Reed was no bargain. She took my hand again.

All I could say was, Oh, no.

Melissa’s voice called in through the open window, Auntie Savannah? Do you have some ’lasses?

Yes, honey, called Savannah, and handed her the jar through the window.

Then I heard Albert’s voice say, What are you women doing in there?

Just talking like you are, she said back. We’ll be out directly, and it’s getting dark, there could be snakes, so why don’t you walk Melissa home while we put the children to bed?

I heard Jack’s voice say, Melissa, want a horsey ride? Albert, you carry that molasses so I don’t turn into a stack of hotcakes. Climb up here, now give me your feet, okay, hold on!

Go, horsey, giddup! yelled Melissa. And there was a loud clumping of boots as he galloped off the porch with her laughing all the way.

I saw a leaf blow in through an open window, and knew the storm was getting closer. As I shut it, a gust filled with sand shook the glass in its frame. April was already sleepy, and fussed while I put her nightshirt on, but for once in her life, she went to bed quickly and without much commotion. Savannah was changing the little boys’ clothes, and I took a cup of water and drank it while I watched her fuss with them. Joshua David was pretty easy, but when little Clover got his clothes off he ran around the room naked and whooping.

Savannah just rolled her eyes at me and sighed, Every night it is the same thing. I think you are right, Sarah, they are born this way.

Is Jack that kind of man? I asked her. I was still thinking about Jimmy and feeling scalded to the core.

She turned and looked at me, then a smile spread across her face. No, I don’t think so, she said. And, Albert was at first so worried about him paying attention to you, after that horse incident and all, that he wrote to the commanding officer at the fort and asked after his character. Every soldier there thinks highly of him, except for a couple that he disciplined, and his commander says that he is of strong, good, moral character.

In my head I realized I was right, they are all in cahoots against me.

Sarah, she said, Do you love him?

I couldn’t look her in the eyes again, and had to take a deep breath. I ’spose I don’t know what love is, I said. He keeps me riled up inside, and I dream about him, and I wonder about him, and I watch for him over every hill when he’s not here. He can make me so mad sometimes I can’t see straight. But when I hear his voice, my heart jumps funny. And he has kissed me.

Savannah held her hands to her mouth, shocked. Sarah! Really? Clover, if you don’t lie down and hush, I’ll have to tell Papa you were bad, now stop that. She put his covers back and Clover kicked them off again. She led me into the parlor and said, lowering her voice, Did you kiss him back?

I nodded.

Oh, Sarah, before you are married? Oh my!

Suddenly I felt very guilty. It was that day the Indians attacked, I said. We were all so upset, and sad, and afraid, and when he got ready to leave, I bandaged his hands, and he just took my face and kissed me. How could I dare tell her about the other times?

Savannah’s face got studious and she looked about the room, and went to light two lamps. Of course, she said, and sighed with relief. Of course, it was a terribly emotional time. You were both overcome. You both needed someone to reach out to, and I have Albert’s hand to hold to keep me going but you have no one. Of course, you needed each other during such a terrible time. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to be, well, anything else. And he is always so worried about you, surely he was just thankful you were unharmed.

I wondered what her reaction would be if she knew all the rest of the kisses. Then, I said, then I kissed him tonight when he proposed.

Oh, she said. Well, that’s different. Betrothed is allowed, and probably hard to stop since you had kissed once before out of fear for your lives.

I nodded, righteously on the outside and afraid on the inside that she could see it in my face that I wasn’t sorry too much. Oh, Savannah, I thought, how righteous you are, and how wanton I really am, and you don’t understand.

Do you love him? She asked me again.

I nodded, yes.

Well, then, she said, Betrothed is okay, just a tiny kiss or two, before the marriage. Have you set a date?

No, I said. I thought maybe in December. Maybe Ernest could come for Christmas, and that would be a good time. What do you think, Savannah?

She shrugged. I’d never pass up a chance to be as happy as Albert and I are. I loved him from the first minute I saw him.

Then all I could think of was the first time I saw Jack Elliot he was just a stranger, and kind of frightening, and he had married my brother to this sweet girl and had messed up the Bible verses doing it.