Thin Ice (2 page)

"Yes, I know. Can I finish my homework first?"

         "Just don’t go out too late. Your mother made spaghetti, but there's chicken left over. Don't eat before you go to the gym."

Finally he leaves my room and I quickly compose myself and throw sweats on. I know he means well, and I know he’s only doing it because of how unhappy I am with my looks, but it’s still hard to hear from someone else that my thoughts about my body aren’t just my own.  I feel like I let him down by getting to this stage. Like I’m the one who let myself go and no matter how hard I try, I can’t fix it.

 As I leave the comfort of my four walls, I pass the hallway mirror. I don't see my brown curly hair that's slowly starting to thin out or my big brown eyes that are always threatening to allow tears to fall. All I see are the marks my three bras are making on my skin, my size 14 pants, and my ‘barely there except when you look from the right angle’ double chin.

Elli

“Number 29, penalty for cross checking.”

Adding it to the scoreboard, I look over at my brother in the penalty box. Welcome to my weekends. Currently 6 a.m., freezing, and losing by one with three minutes left. My shift at
Bed Bath and Beyond
starts in a few hours, but for now, I’m going to enjoy watching my brother do something he loves. I look over on the bench and see my dad switching up the lines and making the necessary changes to compensate for our penalty.  Thankfully, the defense is awake and before you know it, my brother Dom is out of the box and rushing for the puck. Shane passes it up the middle, a perfect pass, and Dom takes off. Using the wrist shot he’s been practicing in the driveway (that will eventually lead to my dad having to reside the garage) he sends the puck through the goalie's legs and to the back of the net with ten seconds left.

The parents in the stands are all on their feet.

“Yea Dom!!! That was awesome!”

“I want your autograph!”

“Go Dom! Great pass Shane!”

I know they’re only thirteen years old, but to me, watching them play is more exciting than watching the pros. Their faces, their excitement, and their positive thoughts for the future are refreshing. I’d take hanging out with these kids over people my own age any day. Which I do.

When I got home from the gym last night, my dad said it was too late to eat and it’s better to go to bed hungry. I don't remember the last time I ate, but nobody notices so it's okay. Maybe I'll have something before I go to my other job so I don't get dizzy and mess anything up.

After Dom gets dressed and visits me in the score box so I can congratulate him, my family leaves the rink while I work the next few games. Deciding I should eat before I head over to work a cash register for eight hours, I run home and grab a granola bar. Before I know it, the whole box is gone and there are eight wrappers in front of me that I'll have to hide in the garbage. It's okay though right? I haven't eaten anything so this should balance it out. Yea, I'll keep telling myself that until the guilt washes over me and I use my handy dandy tooth brush.

Stashing the wrappers in a napkin, crumpling it, and forcing it towards the bottom of the trash can, I grab my keys when I'm sure it's fully out of site and head off to a job where I continue wearing my forced smile that people believe so easily.

Elli

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

There's something wrong today. This isn't the normal kind of pain.

Suck it up. You'll get through it. You always do.

I repeat these ten little words as I head towards the door. Bad idea. This is a very bad idea. I should turn back. My heart starts jack hammering against my chest and my lower stomach feels like someone is stabbing me with a knife. Before I know it, my eyes betray me and allow the tears to fall. What is happening? Maybe something is finally wrong and somebody will realize I need help. But I can't let anyone find out! What am I thinking? I'm so out of it right now.

As if this wasn't bad enough, now my books are on the floor and so am I. Clutching my side. Now, in my head, my knight in shining armor would come to my rescue, pick me up off the ground and get me the hell out of here. But that clearly means I have to stop reading my romance novels and give my nook a break. Since I know that isn't going to happen, I focus on the invisible Freddy Kruger that's having fun on my lower stomach.

Reaching for my books, I slowly get up, tears pouring down my face, and one foot at a time, make it to my car. Clutching my side, I try to put my seatbelt on. Well that's not happening as Freddy takes his place in my passenger seat. Maybe I should text someone to drive me. But that means I would be asking for help and that's not happening. Turning my key, I attempt to drive the five blocks to my house where my mom can just tell me what's happening.

Oh look a speed bump.
What's that Freddy? You have two knives? Well by all means, use them both!

Of course I catch every red light. And eventually I'm crying so hard, I can't pull into my driveway. I beep the horn and my mom opens the door confused. And then she sees my tears.

         Three hours later, I'm laying in a hospital bed while multiple exams are being done on my non existent abs and lower stomach. Well, guess I'm not going back to class today. My mom is in the waiting room since they wouldn't let her in during the tests. When the doctor comes in with my mom trailing behind, I have two options. Tell them I'm sick, or wait for them to just tell me what's wrong. Obviously I'm going to choose the latter.

"So Elli. Looks like you have a cyst growing on your ovary. No need to worry. These are common and although they do hurt like hell, you'll be fine. I want you on bed rest for the rest of today and tomorrow too. "

"But I can't miss a full day of school! I have a deadline and a meeting to run tomorrow!"

Looking to my mom, the doctor asks if I'm joking. Cause what teenager wants to go to school? Assuring him that one, yes, i am serious, and two, that she will make sure I'm on bed rest for the next day, she leaves my room so I can get dressed, but not before the doctor can have a word with me.

“Elli, you've been in here before haven't you? For stomach pains? I've read your file and that was only last year. How have you been doing?"

"Fine."

         "Well, here I have it that it was written off as stress. Have you been doing anything to reduce that?"

Looking down at my now bleeding cuticles I assure him that Im fine.

"How is school going? Your mom was telling me you're very involved."

Oh so were playing 20 questions now.

"I'm doing well. Acing all my classes. And yea, I run Yearbook, and I’m in a few other things."

“Well that’s quite the schedule. Do you have a job?"

“Umm yea. I work at Bed Bath and Beyond, and the ice rink my brother plays at."

“Wow. Do you find time to relax?"

“Of course."

“Do you know where you want to go for college?"

“Yea I was accepted to Winter Park University last year. I got early admission as soon as I graduate."

“Well just make sure, if you get too stressed out, just take a breather ok?"

He leaves me to get dressed, and I have to remind myself to breathe. Grabbing my phone, since I know my mother will stay true to her word about keeping me in bed, I text Madison.

Elli: Hey. I’m going to be absent tomorrow. Can you do me a favor and email me the Yearbook files from my computer?

Madison: Sure! Anything to get out of this boring class. Why did I take Italian anyway?

Elli: Because we want to go to Italy, remember?

Madison: Uggghhhhh. We should just go on our own after graduation.

Elli: Umm, have you seen Taken? No way am I going with just the two of us.

Madison: Lol. This is Italy! Not Paris!

Elli: Still, scarred for life.

Madison: Well when we’re sitting by the Trevi Fountain, we better wish for a way to survive Signora for the rest of the year!

Elli: No way am I wasting my wish on that! I’m thinking something along the lines of Lizzie McGuire’s wish!

Madison: We should totally have a sleepover with all the girls before we go and watch that movie!

Elli: Just tell me when!:D

Madison: Ok! Just emailed you the files! Hey why aren’t you coming in tomorrow?

Elli: Just have some stuff to do. But I need to get these out for Monday’s deadline.

Madison: Ok! Heading back to class. Save Me!

Elli: Lol good luck!

Madison: Talk later!:D

Elli: Thanks again!

Finally getting my shoes on, I grab my bag and slowly head out towards the waiting room where my mom is. I know that movie night with the girls won’t happen, and if it does I most likely won’t be there. I’m excited for the trip to Italy, but at the same time, I wish I was just going by myself. I can see all the museums I want and be on my own time schedule.

The doc gave me some painkillers, but Freddy is still here, waiting to strike. When I get home, I grab my computer, finish up the last few pages for the yearbook, and send everything out.

I have two options since I’m now stuck in bed. Binge watch Supernatural on Netflix, even though I’ve seen every episode, or read my third romance novel this week.

I decide to grace my TV with Sam, Dean, Cas and Crowley. Halfway into the episode, I Iook out my window and see my dad pulling into the driveway. Should I pretend I’m asleep? My mom surely told him what happened. When my door opens, the twenty questions begin. I easily deflect all of them, and then he finally asks me how I’m feeling. I would say I’m in pain, but I don’t want to seem weak. So I say I’m just sore and need some sleep, but I’ll be good to go tomorrow. He leaves my room, and I fall asleep to the sounds of Sam and Dean killing demons. I wish they would come kill the ones inside my head.

Elli

One Year later

"Elli! Take a break already!"

“I’m fine! I promise!"

“No, you’re not. You haven’t slept in like three days and you need a break."

“I’m almost done with my project. I’ll sleep when I’m done!"

“Elli it’s not due until Friday! Today is Monday!"

“But what if something goes wrong? Then I’ll have time to fix it!"

“We all know you’ll be fine! Just get some sleep!"

“Fine! Just give me a minute!"

“I’m holding you to that! I know where you sleep!"

My roommate everyone. It’s a love-hate relationship. When I found out that there were apartments close to the school, I did the math and found that it would be cheaper than dorming. A few months into my first classes at Winter Park University, I met Tegan. Since she hated her roommate, I asked if she wanted to room with me, and we’ve been roomies ever since.  I’ve never had a friend as close as Tegan. Somehow she just gets what’s going through my head half the time, and she’s all too quick to call me out on it.

The day I started University, I made a promise to myself. That I would be better. Do better. Try to eat healthy and work out as much as possible. Tegan doesn’t know about my past, but she was all too eager to become my gym partner.

“Yes, yes yes! I need to keep my girly figure! With the all those jocks walking around campus.. Mmmm, yes please!"

She can have the jocks. They all seem to flock to her any way. Since I’ve been here, Tegan has tried to drag me to multiple parties, but I make sure I have work on those nights. It’s not like she has much time to party either. We’re in the same grueling program. My focus right now is me. I feel like I lost some weight since I started here. But I haven’t looked in a mirror much and I still wear things that are a tad too big on me. I’ll go shopping when I lose more.

“Are you sleeping yet?!"

“Yes Tegan!"

“Good!"

I will say one thing, she does balance me out. Taking her advice I fall into a deep, nightmare-less sleep. Moving away from home was the most life changing thing I’ve ever done.

“I WIN!”

“What are you talking about?! You cheated!"

“I did not!"

“You distracted me!"

“How was I possibly distracting you?!"

“You have boobs, I’m a guy, do the math!"

“Don’t blame me cause you suck at Mario Kart!"

Opening my eyes, I see it’s dark outside. I get up, throw on my sweatshirt, and decide to listen to my growling stomach. I open my door and see Tegan doing a victory dance while a guy I recognize from the soccer team is all but drooling over her. When I step out, Tegan looks over and smiles.

“Well good morning sleeping beauty!”

“How long have I been out?"