ThinandBeautiful.com (18 page)

And Annie, my BFF? Well, not so much. We still got together after the summer but it wasn't the same. I had a boring summer that's barely worth mentioning with no camp and basically no contact with friends. Well, that's not true. I had my real friends, my GWS, which was great at nighttime but didn't keep me too amused during the day. I spent my time reading, working out, going online, and trying to avoid chores without success – but I didn't tell Annie about it. She would probably tell me it was my own fault or something lame like that. We didn't even buy each other dragons that year.

I still felt I couldn't trust her because of the Taylor thing, even after all that time had passed. I just couldn't shake it.
Friends didn't rat out friends. We still talked every once in a while and walked to school together when we were in the same place at the same time, but we were careful not to talk about anything important. It felt weird to be with her and not share things with her. I would catch myself wanting to tell her something one of the GWS said and then realize that telling her would just start another fight. We spent lots of time talking about the weather.

So, I was sitting in the library one day at school, as usual, minding my own business while trying to stay awake over a totally thrilling essay about Romeo's relationship problems, when a voice penetrated my brain and woke me up. I didn't recognize it at first because I had never actually seen Suzanne Albright in the library before. After all, there aren't any mirrors in there and you aren't supposed to talk so she wouldn't be able to do her two favorite things.

“Hi,” I overheard her saying in a syrupy sweet voice that made me want to gag.

“Hi yourself.” It was the smooth, sexy voice that I had once heard calling me cute.

“So, what are you doing?” Suzanne oozed. What did she think he was doing, jogging?

“Just catching up on some work. I partied pretty hard this weekend.” Everything he said sounded wise and wonderful to my pathetic little ears.

“Oh, really! Why wasn't I invited?” I could just imagine her Botox-sized lips in a three-year-old's pout that I'm sure she thought was endearing. If I had eaten that day, I would have puked.

“It was a guy thing.”

“Oh, you guys and your things! Oops, I shouldn't have said that!” Oh, man, give me a break, was she giggling? Come on, Jesse, you can't really fall for that.

“Next time we'll invite you. You're a lot prettier than the rest of the crew I was with.” I couldn't believe it. He was falling for it.

“Oh, go on. I'm not that pretty, am I?” Ask for compliments much?

“You are drop-dead gorgeous. Sean is a lucky man.”

“Didn't you hear? Sean and I split. I'm a free agent.” Oh, now she was a football player?

“Really? Well, maybe we can do something about that.” This was the point where I should have stopped listening, but I didn't.

“Oh, but I heard a rumor that you had something starting with Marty.”

Not Marty, Maddie! My name is Maddie – or better yet, Madison. Was she completely brain dead?

“Marty? I don't know a Marty.” He paused for a moment as if thinking deep thoughts. “Oh, you mean Maddie. Why would anyone think I was starting anything with her? I haven't talked to her in months. She's a nice kid and all but she isn't really my type.”

At least he remembered my name. But it seemed pretty obvious that he didn't remember our brief encounter. He certainly hadn't done three thousand instant replays of it in his mind until he could remember every sight, sound, and smell from that night. He had probably forgotten it three seconds
after it happened. How pathetic was I sitting here six months later wondering if he might actually finally make a move.

I may not have been a big eater, but I was a glutton for punishment, so I stayed where I was, listening to them even though my gut felt like someone had used it for boxing practice.

“Really, well, what is your type?”

“I like tall blonds with curves.” He was definitely flirting.

“Well, Mattie isn't tall, or blond, and she's just a bag of bones these days. Her name suits her 'cause she kind of looks like a floor mat. I can't believe anyone would get that skinny on purpose. She's always boasting about her stupid diets and she looks horrible.” She upgraded the giggle to a full out laugh.

I didn't hear Jesse's response. They had started walking away by then and besides, my ears had filled up with a strange buzzing noise. I felt like I was going to black out or something. Suzanne's words hammered themselves into my brain, pounding at me until I had to put my head down. I actually couldn't believe that she had said those things. Even though I knew she wasn't that nice, I didn't think even she could come up with such cruel lies. I never boasted about my diet! She had asked me about it and seemed interested. I wouldn't have talked about it unless she was interested!

Now she was laughing at me? Did everyone think it was funny? Why would she say I looked skinny and then say I looked horrible? It didn't make any sense! Either I looked horrible or I looked skinny. I couldn't look both. She made skinny sound like a bad thing. My so-called skinniness is what made them all think I was worth talking to in the first
place and now she's making fun of me? Was everyone just stupid? Was I?

And Jesse. Mr. Gorgeous, dream boy of my fantasy life. He was just a mean boy and deserved a mean girl. He just stood there and listened to her saying bad stuff about me and didn't say one word in my defense. What a jerk. They deserved each other. I hoped that Suzanne kept drinking her stupid calorie-filled beer every weekend until she became really fat and she and Jesse could live happily ever after in their fat little world.

This might sound a little nuts, but sometimes I felt like I was in the middle of some conspiracy where everyone wanted to make me feel bad just because I had lost some weight. Like maybe Annie had told Suzanne and Jesse to say all of those things so that I would decide that I didn't want to be skinny. I knew it was pretty unlikely because Annie didn't know either of them, but at that point I was ready to believe just about anything. I couldn't trust anyone. I was running out of people who were on my side.

When I got home that night, I went into my room and stripped down to my underwear like I did every night. I stood in front of my mirror and checked out my gut to make sure it hadn't gotten bigger. I put my arms out to the side to check for jiggling flab. I bent down and felt my legs as I flexed them in front of the mirror to make sure it was all muscle. I picked up my hand mirror and looked at my back end.

I had to admit that I wasn't as fat as I used to be but I wasn't anywhere close to skinny. I had so much more work to do to before I deserved my online name for real. I couldn't understand what everyone was talking about. My mom, my
dad, Annie, the teacher, the doctor, and now Suzanne … everyone talking about my weight and everyone lying about it, or totally blind to the reality. It was like they were having some sort of mass hallucination, where they had all decided that I had some sort of problem so they had to make themselves see me as too thin. Crazy, all of them.

I was the only one who could see my reflection clearly and it still covered far too much of the mirror for me to really believe that I could leave my shadows behind.

May 7

This time Wolf did stay with me through the whole group session. We sat quietly on the couch behind the circle and just listened. Marina wasn't in this group, which made sense, I guess, because she had been there longer than either of us and was probably in some kind of advanced level for people on their way out. This was probably a beginner's group for people who were still on their way to nowhere. Maybe Wolf was just going to this one to humor me. Which would be kind of nice if it were true.

No one seemed to really notice or care that we were there. Well, that's not entirely true. Big Red was in charge again and she did look over at me and smile. I'm not sure why she would smile because we weren't exactly friendly and I didn't exactly smile back. I didn't not smile either. I just kind of let my mouth stretch out a bit to the sides for a second. It was probably technically a grimace but at least I acknowledged her. Anyway, a couple of the girls glanced over at me and smiled too and I actually managed to dredge up a smile back, with
corners curled up and everything. One of them even gestured to an empty chair beside her, but that was going a bit too far so I just shook my head in what I hoped was a friendly way. I was a little disappointed that no one seemed all that envious of my position beside the only guy. Maybe they were just hiding it well. Or maybe they really didn't care because they knew that he wasn't really interested in me and I was the only one who didn't know.

Or maybe I was just being completely nuts and no one there was interested in me or Wolf because they had real, actual significant things to worry about.

It was a lot like the first session. The girls talked and Red just listened and made a comment or two occasionally. It didn't feel like therapy or anything. She wasn't telling them what to think or saying that the thoughts they had were wrong or right. Actually there didn't seem to be any judging going on at all. That was kind of a surprise because I thought this place was all about telling us we were doing everything wrong and had to change our lives to be decent human beings so we could be set free to become contributing members of society. I said as much to Wolf after the session as we walked back to my room.

“I don't think it's about the whole judging thing. I think they're just trying to help us figure out where the heck we are and where we're going and stuff,” Wolf said.

“Why? Do they think we're lost or something? I know where am,” I answered in a relatively obnoxious voice that I'm sure was very charming. He seemed to take all of this just a little too seriously. “I'm stuck in a so-called guesthouse for
dieters that I can't get out of until I figure out how to prove to them that I want to gain twenty pounds and live chubbily ever after.”

Wolf just kind of shook his head but he didn't laugh at my joke. Maybe the guy had no sense of humor.

“I know you haven't been here very long, but you might want to give people here a chance. I thought it was all pretty lame when I first got here. I thought it was all just about my body and weight.”

“What else could it be about? That's why they put us here. At least that's why they put
me
here.” Great. I was finally having a full-fledged conversation with him, on my own, and I was turning it into an argument. I didn't want to talk to him about the whole weight thing, but I guess it was the only thing we had in common after all. It occurred to me suddenly that my crush on him was pretty much a physical thing. Which was a little ironic, because our physiques were the only thing we had to talk about – and the last thing I wanted to talk about.

“I guess the body and weight stuff is what gets us in here, but after a while it starts to be about other things.”

“What things?” I asked suspiciously.

“Oh, I don't know. Lots of stuff. Different for everyone.”

He looked a bit uncomfortable, like he had run out of things to say. That was probably good because this was really starting to feel less and less like a hot date and more and more like therapy.

“I don't want to get fat again,” I blurted out before I could tell my mouth to shut.

“Me either! And I know you won't believe me, but no one here is going to force you to gain a whole bunch of weight. It isn't about gaining weight. I mean, that comes into it a little, but it isn't what it's about.”

“What's it about then?” My voice sounded challenging to my own ears and I wished I could go back to forgetting how to talk.

“Like I said, everyone's different.”

“They all sounded kind of the same to me.” Actually, they had all been a little different from each other but many of their stories still sounded familiar. I thought again that some of what they were saying reminded me of the GWS. So maybe everyone's different but there didn't really seem to be that many original stories out there. Maybe I wasn't as original as I thought I was either. Not so sure I liked that thought.

“I guess I'm saying that I have to figure myself out and so do you and so does everyone else in here.” He made a face at his own answer, like he didn't agree with himself.

“I don't need to be here then, do I? I can figure myself out at home.” Now I just sounded like a total kid. I'm sure he was really impressed. Man killer strikes again. But in my own defense, he was really sounding like he was selling something I didn't want to buy.

“I guess you just have to give yourself some time,” he said, shrugging his shoulders a little and looking kind of frustrated. He obviously thought I was a total loser.

“I'm not a very big fan of time,” I said in a less-thancharming tone, looking at the floor instead of his eyes. His eyes were much nicer looking than the floor but I didn't want
to see what I was sure would be in them if I looked up.

“Hey,” he said gently, his soft voice somehow lifting my chin up so that my eyes met his. I saw something there, but it wasn't what I was expecting. His eyes were kind and didn't seem to see me as stupid at all. They even kind of made me feel like they saw me as maybe almost interesting and worth talking to or something.

“Hey,” I said back, because I had run out of words.

“I didn't mean to sound like I know everything. I didn't say it right. I've been here awhile and I guess I just see things different than you. It's OK. You can think what you want to think and I'm going to take off now.” He turned and walked down the hall. I watched him for a minute, the way any lovesick stalker would do, then went into my room, trying not to sigh too loudly.

I stood in the middle of the floor for a minute trying to decide what to do next. If I'd been at home, I would have gone to my computer to see if anyone was online so I could talk to them about this newest development. Not that it was much of a development. I mean, he kind of told me I didn't know what I was doing with my life and then sort of looked at me like I wasn't gross. I needed someone to tell me if I had blown it or if I was making progress, or if I even wanted to make progress, or if I was absolutely out of my mind.