Thirty-One and a Half Regrets (27 page)

I didn’t know what to say. Nothing would make him feel better. So I just did what came naturally. I went to him and kissed him for all I was worth, twining my fingers in his hair. “You are a
good
man, Mason Deveraux, and don’t you dare let yourself believe differently.”

His expression was pained, but I thought I saw hope in his eyes. “You make me feel like I can be one again.” He broke free of my hold and went into the office.

An overwhelming sadness washed over me. Unsure how to handle it, I looked through the cooking supplies and found a biscuit mix. I was still starving, so I made biscuits, taking my frustration out on the dough. When they came out of the oven, I put some in a basket and took them outside to the deputies, setting them on the table between them. Deputy Miller might have inappropriate feelings for me, but he still needed to eat. And maybe I could get the other deputy to warm up to me.

“I just made some biscuits if y’all want some. I can bring you coffee too.”

“Thanks,” Deputy Gyer said. He pointed to a couple of thermal mugs on the floor and offered me a forced smile. “Got it covered.”

I headed back inside and took Mason a biscuit and a cup of coffee. He glanced up at me. “Have you seen my cell phone? I could have sworn I left it on the desk and now I can’t find it anywhere.”

I tugged my phone out of my pocket and pulled up his number. After I pressed enter, I looked up at him in surprise. “It went straight to voice mail.”

He grimaced. “It must be dead. I forgot to charge it last night.”

“I’ll look around for it if you want.”

He closed his eyes then opened them, looking exhausted. “You don’t have do that, Rose. It’s not why I asked.”

“I know, but you’re working and I’m looking for something to do.” I shrugged. “Perfect match.”

The corners of his mouth lifted and his face softened. “Perfect match.”

I grabbed a biscuit and coffee from the kitchen, looking for his phone there before heading upstairs. I checked the front room first, feeling like I was snooping, particularly when I opened his bag to see if he’d tossed the phone there. All of his clothes were neatly pressed and organized. I shook my head and smiled. Mason loved order and my life was anything
but
orderly.

Mason’s phone wasn’t on the nightstand or under the bed. I stooped and peeked under the dresser, which is when I remembered what I’d found there the day before. The journal. Suddenly I couldn’t wait any longer to look at it. I knew I should keep looking for Mason’s phone, but surely it wouldn’t hurt to take a break.

I pulled the journal out and sat on the middle of the unmade bed. Muffy jumped up with me, still quiet and unusually lethargic. I patted her head. “Did all that pasta last night make your tummy upset?”

As if on cue, a stench filled the room.

I waved my hand. “Muffy! Was that really necessary?”

The smell was so bad that I got up and moved into the nursery, sitting in the rocking chair. I opened the journal and started with the first page. Dora had been in high school when she started writing in it and her entries were sporadic. She tended to write when she was upset and stressed, which made sense. When people were happy, they were too tied up in their happiness to bother writing about it. I skimmed through bad relationships in college and stopped when she first mentioned meeting Daddy.

I know he’s twelve years older and he has a wife—a wife, for heaven’s sake!—but my connection to him is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I know he feels it too, although he’s trying to do the honorable thing and remain faithful to his wife and baby. Still, I can see that he feels the pull. How long can he resist it?

It was weird thinking about Daddy that way. I only remembered him as the beaten, broken man he’d become after losing Dora. I never would have guessed him to be capable of great passion and love. I flipped more pages, passing the entry I’d read the previous day.

I can feel the baby moving now, the little flutter of feet and hands feel like angel wings. That’s what this baby is, an angel sent to me. I’m sure of that. This baby was sent to save me.

That gave me pause and filled me with guilt. If Aunt Bessie was right, my birth probably got her killed. I scanned through more pages, stopping when I saw a list titled
regrets
.

A list filled the page ranging from
ending my friendship with Angela over a fight with Steve
to
not helping grandma more after she broke her hip
. The last—
getting pregnant with Rose
—had a line marked through it.

Many would consider having an affair with a married man and getting pregnant with his child a mistake, but I will never regret it. I’ve known more love and happiness in these last seven months than I’ve ever had in my entire life. Still, my life has been full of regrets, mistakes I hope my sweet Rose never makes. I want to make sure the path she takes is different than my own, that she’s always reassured that she is deeply loved and cherished.

As I stared down at the journal entry, a wet spot appeared on the page, slightly smearing the ink. I wiped my face, which is when I realized I’d started to cry. I set the book on a table next to the chair and lay back against the cushions, closing my eyes.
Reassured that she is deeply loved and cherished.
I had never really felt loved and cherished until meeting Joe. His love had helped me blossom into the woman I was today. Jonah insisted I had done it on my own, but I didn’t believe that was entirely true. Joe had given me the gift of fun and happiness and joy. He’d loved me unconditionally. But Joe’s love had been wrapped in secrets and each time a new one had unfolded, more distrust had seeped in. Part of me still loved Joe, but the bottom line was that I didn’t trust him and never could again. And without trust, we had nothing.

I stood and wiped my eyes. Enough wallowing. Joe was in my past, and it was time for me to move on, whether with Mason or not.

Movement caught my eye behind the house. I parted the curtains to see a figure in a tan sheriff’s uniform heading for the barn. I couldn’t see his face, but he had dark hair. Deputy Miller.

I picked up the journal and stuffed it back into the drawer. I was supposed to be looking for Mason’s phone and I hoped he hadn’t resorted to looking for it himself. Grabbing the now cold cup of coffee, I headed down to the kitchen to grab the coffee pot before heading to the office.

Mason was still bent over his desk. “I didn’t find your phone,” I said.

He looked up with a worried expression. “That’s so odd. I could swear I set it down right there—” he pointed to the corner of the desk “—when I came in here with Jeff. I don’t remember seeing it after that. I wonder if he picked it up accidently thinking it was his own.” His gaze shifted to the coffee pot in my hand and he grinned. “If you’re here to give me a refill, you really are an angel sent from heaven.”

The similarity to my mother’s journal entry caught me off guard and I hesitated before refilling his cup.

He noticed the change in my face. “Is everything okay? Did something else happen with that deputy?”

Frowning, I shook my head. “No. Nothing like that. I read some of that journal I found, which is why it took me so long to come back down. Dora called me her angel sent to save her.”

His face fell. “Rose…I’m sorry… I didn’t know….”

I offered him a smile. “Of course you didn’t.” I waved my hand. “I’m fine. She’s just beginning to feel more real to me, is all.”

“Well, I’m here if you need me, okay? Don’t worry about bothering me.”

“Thanks.”

I headed out the front door, Muffy trotting along. She ran down the steps and claimed a bush. I was going to offer fresh coffee to the deputies, but Deputy Miller wasn’t on the porch. He came running around the corner of the house and skidded to a halt when he saw me.

“Ms. Gardner, I hear you’re a landscaping expert and I saw a bush on the side of the house that I don’t recognize. I’d like to get one for my mother. Could you come look at it and tell me what it is?”

My back stiffened. “I don’t…”

Deputy Gyer sat up and gave the other man a look of disgust. “What are you thinking? She’s not supposed to be outside. Now get your ass up here.”

Deputy Miller slowly climbed the steps to the porch and sat in his chair. His whole body seemed to hum with agitation.

Giving me a smile, Deputy Gyer lifted his open travel mug. “If you’re offering refills, I’d be obliged.”

I stepped in front of Deputy Miller to top up the mug. I had already started to pour when my vision began to fade.

I was running through a field, out of breath. The sky overhead was dark and gray. Continuing to push my way through, I shouted, “I don’t see them!”

“
Well, find them, dammit
,” a familiar male voice snarled.

Just as suddenly, I was back on the front porch, coffee overflowing from the mug onto the floor. “You’re looking for someone.”

Deputy Gyer jerked his hand back, splashing more coffee on his coat. “
What
?”

Who had he been looking for? While all fields looked similar, I was certain it was the one on my farm. And suddenly something registered—I
knew
the other voice from the vision.

I needed to tell Mason immediately, but first I needed to cover my tracks. “Isn’t that what you’re doing? Looking for Daniel Crocker?”

He shot me another glare before turning away to look at the driveway.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket.

“They’re trying to find him, Rose,” Deputy Miller said, offering me an apologetic look. “Hopefully, this will all be over soon.”

I looked away from his face and down to his chest. A necklace half-hung out of his shirt. My breath caught in my throat.

It was a St. Jude’s medallion.

I nearly dropped the coffee pot. “Let’s go inside, Muffy,” I called out, worried that my voice was shaky.

“She can stay outside,” Deputy Miller said. “I’ll watch her.”

“No.” My voice broke and I told myself to get it together. “It’s getting colder and I want her to come in where it’s warm.” I’d be the first to admit it was a lame excuse, but it was the best I could come up with on the spot. I went down two steps toward the yard and shouted, “
Muffy!
”

My little dog jerked her head up, startled. I understood why. I never shouted at her.

“Come on, girl.” It was taking every ounce of control I had not to fall apart there in front of the deputies, but I needed her to come with me.

Thankfully, my short tone caught her attention and she ran up the steps.

As I turned to go back up, something on the ground caught my eye, partially hidden between the porch and the bushes. A cell phone with a cracked screen.

Mason’s phone.

“Is everything all right, Ms. Gardner?” Deputy Gyer asked, sitting up straighter.

Fear bubbled in my chest and I took a deep breath to get control of myself. I climbed the steps to the porch, tripping on the last one. “Yes, of course. I just forgot I left another batch of biscuits in the oven. I don’t want the house to burn down.”

Wrong choice of words. A strange expression flashed over Deputy Miller’s face.

I opened the front door, and I walked in after Muffy, shutting and locking the door behind us. I set the hot coffee pot on a placemat on the dining room table and ran into the office.

Mason took one look at my panicked face and jumped out of his seat. “What’s wrong?”

I started crying, trying to catch my breath.

“Rose!
What happened?
”

“Deputy Miller…he…” I knew I needed to get a hold of myself, but I couldn’t.

Anger flickered in Mason’s eyes. “Did he act inappropriately again?”

He started for the office door, but I snagged his hand and pulled him back. “No! I had a vision.”

Mason grabbed my arms, bending down so his face was level with mine. “Breathe, just breathe. It’s going to be okay. What did you see?”

“He was running through a field. I think it was here on the farm. He said ‘I don’t see them,’ and then a guy growled, ‘Well, find them dammit.’” I looked up into his face. “The other man was Daniel Crocker, I’m sure of it.”

Mason’s face remained expressionless, but a flicker of fear passed through his eyes before determination replaced it. “Was it day or night?”

“Uh…day.”

“Where was the sun?”

“I don’t know, Mason.” I shook my head in frustration. “I was looking at the field.”

“Did you see the house?”

“No.”

“So you were looking away from the house. You were probably facing north.”

I stared at him, bewildered.

“Did you see any shadows?”

“I don’t remember.”

He pulled me over to the chair in the corner of the office and sat me down, kneeling in front of me. “Close your eyes and take a deep breath before trying to remember your vision.”

I did as he instructed. The field was in front of me, the grass trampled, but this time the shadows came in focus. “Yes, I can see them.”

“Which way are the shadows pointing? To your right or to your left?”

I squinted tighter. “Neither. They are kind of pointing in front of me, but not very much.” I opened my eyes.

“Rose, I know that not all of your visions come true. How sure are you that this one will?”

I shook my head, fighting tears. “I don’t know. I never know that part. We could change it, but I don’t know how.”

“How soon after you see a vision does it usually come true?”

“Sometimes soon, sometimes days later.”

“So this could happen today or two days from now?”

I nodded. “But there’s more. After I had my vision, I saw a necklace hanging out of Deputy Miller’s jacket. It was a St. Jude’s medallion.”

Panic filled his eyes. “
Shit!
” Mason growled, turning to search under his desk. “Where’s my goddamned cell phone? I swear to God it was
right there
.” His head popped up and he turned to look at me, his eyes steely.