This All Happened (23 page)

Then, to me: I suppose youre writing that down.

Max says to me, I can't believe how polite youre being. What, should I start throwing furniture?

Cause a scene, man. This is your moment to shine. Wilf comes over to me and says, So Tinker's gone, hey? Yes.

Max: He was a dog especially loved for doggy acts.

Wilf: He was a dog's dog.

Wilf has strong forearms. And a willingness to try on a woman's pillbox hat.

Boyd Coady's television is still in the living room.

30      I wake up alone and open the blinds to the city. The harbour is frozen shut. Iris and Helmut have flown to Miami to study a sailboat. I'm the kind of man who craves to be alone, but once alone, I crave company. It's as though I'd prefer to live in a tough situation than to live in a vacuum. I'm thinking that I have to learn to live alone, but what I really need to learn is how to live with someone else. Happiness seems impossible.

I sing the saddest songs I know, Hank Williams songs. I cook some eggs and brew a pot of tea. Tea is far better for a hangover. I can feel the corners of my mouth drooping in sadness, and I laugh at my sadness. I can examine and appreciate my own emotional torment. Luckily, I'm not a man prone to moroseness. If it were not for my buoyant constitution I would slit my wrists in the bathtub. I would.

I have been reading writers who say, essentially, that we'll be food for worms soon enough, so make sure that what you are living you love. And it's true there was too much anguish and ruin with Lydia. And Lydia seems a far sight happier with that asshole. He's not an asshole. He's such a great guy he must be an asshole. No one can be that perfect. I bet he has a hole in his heart. I bet Craig is emotionally cold. Assholism is relative. It proves the theory of relativity.

I gotta leave this place. I gotta start over. I've used up everything here. I have to let the city go fallow.

31      It's the last party of the year and every one I love is in Max's house. The women are dancing in the kitchen. Wilf says, When women dance with women I get happy. I have to force myself to keep my eyes off Lydia and Craig. I ask her before midnight and she says yes she may be a little in love with Craig. Can she be in love with a chunky man with a little scar at his lip? Do I mind seeing her with him? I ask, Are you doing an Oliver Squires? and she says, Gabe. I never thought of Craig until it was over with you.

She has been going to his house to watch rented, subtitled movies. She did not want to watch foreign movies with me. She claimed they were too hard to follow on a TV. But it's the man, not the film you watch, who makes the difference. She is willing to concentrate for Craig. Fair enough.

I stand by a window and realize that love is not constant. Though I love Max and Maisie very much. I would kill myself to save them. I would do the same for Una and Eli.

Maisie says if you take care of the moment then regret will not creep into your past.

But always there is, circling around us, a sense of unfulfilled grasping. A moment winks like a black locomotive, harnessed fire, sitting impatiently on its haunches, forever primed to lurch and devour. And I'm getting older. My feet hurt, a wrinkle in my earlobe. When you are out of love you become disappointed with the weight of your body. Baths are good.

I've decided to leave St John's. I will head west and look for a desolate, foreign place. All that can happen to me here has happened.

AC
KNOWLEDGEMENTS

The author would like to thank the writers in the Burning Rock fiction group for advice on many of these journal entries. I thank Claire Wilkshire, Larry Mathews, Mary Lewis, Jennifer Barclay, and John Metcalf for reading versions of this work. Mary Lewis deserves special thanks for reminding me of the importance of brevity, clarity, heart, and story.

I thank Anne McDermid for finding a home for this work, and offer much appreciation to Martha Sharpe at Anansi for taking a risk on me. I hope Martha gets a good return on her risk.

Much of
This All Happened
was written and edited during time funded by the Cabot 500 Year of the Arts program. May you all visit Newfoundland.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Michael Winter was born in England and grew up in Newfoundland. He has published two short-story collections,
One Last Good Look
and
Creaking in Their Skins.
He now divides his time between St John's and Toronto.

ABOUT THE PUBLISHER

House of Anansi Press was founded in 1967 with a mandate to publish Canadian-authored books, a mandate that continues to this day even as the list has branched out to include internationally acclaimed thinkers and writers. The press immediately gained attention for significant titles by notable writers such as Margaret Atwood, Michael Ondaatje, George Grant, and Northrop Frye. Since then, Anansi's commitment to finding, publishing and promoting challenging, excellent writing has won it tremendous acclaim and solid staying power. Today Anansi is Canada's pre-eminent independent press, and home to nationally and internationally bestselling and acclaimed authors such as Gil Adamson, Margaret Atwood, Ken Babstock, Peter Behrens, Rawi Hage, Misha Glenny, Jim Harrison, A. L. Kennedy, Pasha Malla, Lisa Moore, A. F. Moritz, Eric Siblin, Karen Solie, and Ronald Wright. Anansi is also proud to publish the award-winning nonfiction series The CBC Massey Lectures. In 2007, 2009, 2010, and 2011 Anansi was honoured by the Canadian Booksellers Association as “Publisher of the Year.”

The A List

Launched to mark our forty-fifth anniversary, the A List is a series of handsome new editions of classic Anansi titles. Encompassing fiction, nonfiction, and poetry, this collection includes some of the finest books we've published. We feel that these are great reads, and the series is an excellent introduction to the world of Canadian literature. The redesigned A List books will feature new cover art by noted Canadian illustrators, and each edition begins with a new introduction by a notable writer. We can think of no better way to celebrate forty-five years of great publishing than by bringing these books back into the spotlight. We hope you'll agree.

The Outlander
· Gil Adamson

The Circle Game
· Margaret Atwood

Survival
· Margaret Atwood

The Hockey Sweater and Other Stories
· Roch Carrier

Roch Carrier's La Guerre Trilogy
· Roch Carrier

Five Legs
· Graeme Gibson

De Niro's Game
· Rawi Hage

Kamouraska
· Anne Hébert

No Pain Like This Body
· Harold Sonny Ladoo

Civil Elegies
· Dennis Lee

The Selected Short Fiction of Lisa Moore
· Lisa Moore

Ana Historic
· Daphne Marlatt

Alden Nowlan Selected Poems
· Alden Nowlan

Poems For All the Annettes
· Al Purdy

This All Happened
· Michael Winter