This Girl Stripped (6 page)

I throw a pillow across the room in rage. All this negative energy is eating me alive. Mixed with the snow and cold is just too much. I need something productive to do. I need to get my mind off of everything. Zane, and everything that goes along with him. River and whatever fucked up non-relationship we have. Myself, and my own actions when I learned of my pregnancy.

When I was younger, I would write poetry. But, I was never any good at it. I look around the room for a pad and a pen. Unfortunately, there is nothing. Do people even use that stuff anymore? Everything is so damn digital; I’m surprised it isn't extinct.

My gaze lands on the modern white bookshelf in the corner of my bedroom. Rows of books line each shelf. Various titles of romance, and suspense.
Who knew Star was a reader?

The idea hits me like a frying pan to the face. The only way I can heal is to tell my story. And I do.

I sit crossed legged on the large bed with the laptop Star bought me for my birthday open in front of me. I have a document open and waiting while I engage in a staring contest with the screen. Do I think it will purge my thoughts for me? Surely not.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I think back to the day I left home - fled from my parents and everything I wanted to escape the first time I left Woodstock: Their nasty lifestyle. Being treated like a maid. Seven's creepy ass brother, Blue, lurking around in the shadows. Sex, lots of sex that I wasn't having. My bitchy little sister. Heartbreak at the hands of a boy in high school. The money I stole from my parent's hiding spot in the cookie jar.

Every word I type out feels like a world of burden being lifted from me. The sentences flow along the pages as my fingers keep up the rapid beat on the keys. I feel lighter when I am finished with what I call
chapter one: the escape
. It may not be everything I needed to get out, but it was something, a start. It was a beginning. It was my beginning to the journey of healing.

A soft knock at the door startles me. I click on the save button and slam the laptop closed. I notice his eyes first. I always do. They are so bright green. So damn sexy. River stands in my doorway chewing on the corner of his lip, a nervous tendency I've noticed. Something we share.

“Hey,” he mumbles as he nods in my direction. I want to yell at him for just disappearing for the past couple days. Honestly, I never thought he would come back to me. After everything that happened, everything he learned about me and his brother. Hell, any sane person would have run for the hills.

“Hey stranger,” I have to sass him. We both have small smiles.

“Sorry I took off like that. I had to sort some shit out.” He looks uncomfortable, leaning against the doorframe. “Mind if I come in?” he questions and when I nod, he makes his way toward me and joins me on top of the comforter.

“That’s fine. You don’t have to answer to me, River.” It’s the truth. He could’ve left for eternity and it wouldn’t have bothered me. I lie. It would’ve bothered me, but I would’ve pretended it didn’t.

“Paisley, look…” he pauses as he turns toward me. His eyes making contact with mine, he takes a deep breath and speaks. “I like you. It scares me because we both aren’t ready for whatever this is.”

His hands run through his hair before rubbing his eyes. He’s nervous and I can’t help but watch him. He’s completely fascinating; everything about him intrigues me. There is so much desperation and mystery hidden behind his beautiful eyes. There is pain as deep as mine. I wish I knew where it came from, like he knows my secrets.

“River, whatever this is, we both feel it. But, we can’t act on it. We just can’t. There are too many outside factors already that would only cause us both a lot of pain - and our families. It just…” I can’t put the right word on it.

“It’s not smart. But, I can’t stop thinking about you.” The sincerity drips from his words. I want to beg him to hold me and tell me everything that is holding him back. But, instead he pulls away from me, and stands.

“Glad we are on the same page, Paisley.”

Like that, he is gone - again.

I feel as alone as ever.

Where Does the Time Go?

Three weeks passed in a blur. Every day I would sit down for an hour or two typing away on the laptop, recording every memory that made any sense. I never intended to write a book, but the story I’m telling is starting to resemble an actual novel. I was certain it would never see the light of day.

It has been years since I picked up an actual book, but in the past few weeks, I dove into the works of John Steinbeck. The simple stories of everyday people always hit home for me. There aren’t any millionaires or rockstars. Just your everyday people. I like that. It’s something I can relate to, despite the extra ordinary people in my own life.

River comes and goes. Always sending mixed messages, which I’ve stopped trying to understand. Everything about him is fucking confusing. A few days ago he slipped and pinned me against my bedroom wall. When our lips met it felt like fireworks going off. It was rough and forceful, then he caught himself. I could see the deep regret in his eyes with the way he treated me. I could love him, but he would always pull away.

Everything about him makes me come back to life after all the trauma I’ve been through. I don’t know if sex is something I will ever look at the same, but with him it all just seems so different.
Not that I plan on having sex with him or anyone else.

I started working part time at the little art store Star owns in town. I make custom jewelry for anyone who asks. Mainly tourists traveling through Woodstock; although, this time of year, they are few and far between. But it gives me some change in my pocket and something to keep my mind off the big things in life that I just can’t shake, yet.

Today we’ll decorate Star’s Christmas tree as a family. River included. All of the family activities have blended our two wayward crews together. The one person who hasn’t reappeared is Zane. Star insisted he wouldn’t be back either, but I just can’t shake the feeling that no matter how much I want to believe that, its not true. I will never be free from him.

Journey has been around, but not much. After Star had it out with her about knowing Magnolia was with our parents for such a long time, it’s going to take a lot for any kind of forgiveness to take place. I can’t help but notice Journey only comes around when she knows Ryker or Diesel are going to be around.
Whore.

Just as I start to close my laptop, the bedroom door swings open and Magnolia bursts into my bedroom. Half way across, she launches into the air and lands right on my bed. I love her energy. She is always so fuckin’ happy. Just being with her makes me forget.

“Aunt Paisley, we got the tree! Mom found the perfect one in the backyard. You have to see it! It’s huge!” She bounces up and down on the bed, excitement radiating from her. “This is my first Christmas tree in years. Grandma and Grandpa never got a tree. It’s perfect! Christmas is going to be perfect!”

“I think this is gonna be a Christmas for the books,” I admit, smiling to myself thinking about how everyone in our family is really slowly putting their lives back together. I must admit I am jealous of Star. After all she has gone through, she can move on so easily. Maybe it really wasn’t that easy for her, but to the eyes of every onlooker it has been. Maybe it’s Chrome who keeps her together so well? Their love for each other is clear as day - his eyes cherish every movement she makes.

It reminds me of the way I catch River looking at me on occasion. I only wish I knew what was going on inside his head. He’s driving me crazy.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to heal the way she has while living in Woodstock? It’s someplace that brought us all so much pain, and caused so much damage. Why pick this for healing?

Since my body was finally starting to return to normal, maybe I would finally get some balls and put the moves on River in hopes he would accept whatever this is going on between the two of us? Or he will just run. Again.

His arms wrap around me tightly; gripping me with each passing moment. The room is lively and full of laughs as we sit off in the corner stealing glances at each other in between our friendly chit chat. When I say everything about River confuses me, it really just means these moments. We act like a couple, but when the next
step
in a relationship starts to roll around, he bolts.

Days will go by, and he’ll come to me and talk about our friendship. Friendship. Is that all I’ll ever have with him? These little moments make me want so much more.

His lips graze my neck, and goosebumps cover my entire body. I lean my head back against his shoulder and take in every little touch; the small contact our bodies continue to maintain. I really want to pull him up to my bedroom and cuddle with him.

“Will you two get a fuckin’ room already?” Chrome yells across the room. We’re caught, and that is all River needs to retreat again. His arms grasp my waist and lift me from the comfort of his lap, which I’ve made a warm and comfortable seat.

It looks like Christmas threw up all over the place and once he bolts, I no longer can deal with all of the holiday cheer. There are twinkling lights everywhere, tinsel up the ass, and pine needles cover most of the living room. How can I be so miserable when everyone around me is so happy? Hell, I was happy moments ago. This is bullshit.

I let out a sigh and make my way to the kitchen. I push the fridge open and pull out a bottle of beer. I’m really sick of River’s hot and cold behavior. It’s twelve steps forward and thirty backward. Just when I am starting to feel safe around him, like I can finally let a man back into my life, he pulls some shit like this. Is there something wrong with me? Am I too damaged for him?

Whatever his problem is, I decide to drown it in a beer. The one beer turns into two, and then three. I don’t have much of a tolerance for alcohol because I never had the desire to drink. With each smooth swig of the beer, I feel a little better. The alcohol washes away his constant rejection. All the progress I make personally, he crushes over and over again. He may not realize it. I’m sure if he did, he may actually care, but I won’t let him see that he really has the power to hurt me. It would make me too vulnerable.

I’m stuck inside my head to notice anyone else. Diesel walks around the corner and grabs a beer from the fridge and twists the cap off with his forearm. Because, of course, he’s such a big strong man. I’ve watched him from afar since Thanksgiving. He’s one of the more sensitive bikers that hang around here. I’ve seen him complete a thousand piece Hello Kitty puzzle with Magnolia, and cart the girls back and forth to school on a number of occasions.

His short dark hair flops into his dark eyes and he pushes it out of the way. His fingers run through the silky chocolate colored strands and I sit and watch him while I nurse the bottle in front of me. He doesn’t notice my gaze as he moves through the kitchen before sitting down on the stool next to me.

“What’s eatin’ ya, Princess?” His deep southern drawl sends a shiver through my body. You wouldn’t expect such a smooth voice to come from such a gruff man. I watch him for a minute, his lips caress the bottle and I can’t stop thinking about what they would feel like pressed up against mine. I shake my head trying to free the thought from my mind. Why would I even be thinking about something like that?