This House Is Not for Sale (7 page)

Tata's business continued to boom. Communities would invite her to come and consult her mirror as to the reason why their sons and daughters were not getting ahead, why were they not growing like other communities. Sometimes she would ask them to cut down a large iroko tree in the center of the town and name the top of the tree the meeting place for soul stealers and wizards. Some would want to know why their market was
not big or did not attract people like other markets. She would tell them that soul stealers bought and sold there at night and did not want people to trample on their space in the daytime. Her drummers would beat their drums, she would dance, she would prance around and then she would command one of her boys to start digging somewhere in the market. They would unearth a large pot covered with moss and cowrie shells. She would tell them that this pot was buried by soul stealers. And soon thereafter the market began to boom.

Tata would come back home with gifts of money and drinks. Once she came back with two cows. Grandpa said he didn't know anything about rearing cows and called a passing cattle herder from the cattle-rearing tribe to come and take the cows away. This honest cattle herder would return many years later with over a hundred cows for Grandpa.

Yet tongues wagged. People were angry at Tata's fame and Grandpa's growing wealth.

—She must be a witch herself, otherwise where does she get all her powers from?—

—She might be a witch; it is just that her witchcraft power is bigger than that of the people she was making to confess—

—Nothing lasts forever. Witchcraft has been existing since the beginning of time—

—Even the white man has his own witchcraft, only theirs is white witchcraft and they use it to invent great things like airplanes and ships—

—Our people use theirs to pull other people down, that is the problem—

As Tata's fame grew, so did the whispering and gossip. By this time the mirror looked worn and aged. One day a young woman came to the Family House with the dead body of her young child. The child must have been about two years old. She said she was on her way back from spending some time with her mother-in-law when she was stopped by an older woman whom she didn't know so well. She was carrying her baby on her back. The older woman told her to wait, that she needed to adjust the neck of her sleeping baby. The older woman helped her adjust the baby's neck and then touched the baby on the neck and remarked that the baby was one chubby child. She thanked the old woman and began to walk home. A few minutes later, the baby began to cry, he was sweating profusely. By the time she got home the baby was crying even harder and was gasping for breath. She gave the baby a cold bath and without toweling him dry brought him into her room and laid him under the fan. She stepped out of the room to get a little something to eat. When she stepped back in, the baby had stopped breathing. She picked the baby up and began to wail. Neighbors told her to bring the baby to Tata to find out who it was that killed the baby, because this was apparently not a natural death.

When Tata told her that it was the older woman who had touched her sleeping child that day, she took the dead baby home and told everyone she met on the way what had happened. A mob followed her to the house of the older woman. The older woman escaped, but the crowd set the house on fire. The older woman ran to the army barracks
to alert her son, who had built her the house. Her son sent a detachment of soldiers to the family house. The soldiers came and took Tata away.

People began to talk on the street. Some of them were happy over the detention of Tata in the Army Cantonment by the soldiers.

—About time this came to an end. Witch this, witch that, everyone has become a witch since she brought her accursed mirror—

—The mirror has done more harm than good, brothers and sisters and family now view each other with suspicion. Even children view their parents with suspicion—

—When you give a child
akara
these days he'll tell you let me run home first and show it to my parents—

The soldiers who detained Tata said that at night they heard the sound of dashing waves pounding against the walls of her detention room, they said the place seemed to be floating. They eventually released her.

A few years later Tata became the founder of a church. Her followers wore white, flowing garments and each church had to be built near a flowing stream or river.

T
he Family House was in a festive mood. Brother Julius was returning home after many years abroad. If you asked any of us the name of the country he was returning from, we would have said to you that he was returning from a place called Abroad. Till today we do not know for sure what country he had lived in abroad, whether the United States, U.K., or in Germany or even Russia.

His return was marked by his anecdotes from almost every country in the Western hemisphere. According to Brother Julius, in Russia everything belongs to everybody, everyone shares. What is mine is yours. There was no private ownership of property. You entered the unlocked Lada car parked down the street with keys in the ignition, you do
your errands; you leave the car keys in the car, and the next man who needs it picks it up. Share and share alike, everyone is happy. Everybody, including their president who was not called President but Comrade, lived in the same-size flat with the same type furnishings, he told us.

According to another of his stories, while we are waking up, the Australians are going to bed. Australia is the end of the world and the end of the earth. If you walk too far out on the Australian desert you'll walk off the edge of the earth and fall into another planet.

The British love tea and will drink tea when they are happy and drink tea when they are sad. They'll drink tea when they are hungry and when they are full. They love their cats and their dogs and all their pets. They have a society for the protection of animals and none for the protection of their fellow humans. They'll hug a tree to prevent it from being cut down but their ancestors sent debtors and their children to prison and would go to watch a prisoner being hanged and sit down for a picnic of sandwiches after the execution.

What was remembered most about the day he returned was that there was so many free soft drinks that we used our half-drunk soda drinks to wash our hands, like we did when Gramophone got married. We also ate so much fried lamb meat that there was a long line in front of the toilet the next day. He was Grandpa's favorite son; even our parents whispered that it was Grandpa that had spoiled him.

He had been sent abroad to study in the first place because it was said that the course of study he wanted to pursue was so complicated that no university in the continent offered it.

People needed no invitation to come and eat. There was more than enough food for everyone. After eating, the people on the street gathered to pick their teeth, belch, and talk.

—Now that the son has returned from abroad he will bring some civilization into the house—

—He should at least send those scary souls living in the house away. They scare everyone. I couldn't even take the food offered by one of them earlier today—

—He will change things, even from the way he speaks. If you were in the next room you'd think it's a foreigner speaking—

—What can he do? What will he change? Was it not the money from the house that sent him and kept him abroad all these years?—

—He should have gone to stay elsewhere if he was different. Since he returned to the same house he is part of it—

—Exactly what did he study abroad? Is he a doctor, lawyer, or engineer?—

—What did he spend all these years studying?—

—I hear that what he studied is so specialized that no university in our continent offers it—

—We are still here. We are not going anywhere. We are watching. We shall see—

The expectation of both Grandpa and every other member of the family was that Brother Julius would get a job, marry, buy a car, and move into his own house, but this didn't happen. Brother Julius had a different plan. Brother Julius wanted the party to continue and it did for days and days after his
arrival. There was talk of a job but Brother Julius had everyone, including Grandpa, confused about what exactly he had studied in school and what could be done with his qualification. Someone said he had mentioned international criminology, but when he was asked if that meant he could join the police force he said that was very far from what he studied.

All of these things would not have been a major cause for concern. After all, people said that there was enough money in that house to feed all the people on that street for all the years of their lives. Trouble started when Brother Julius began to entertain the hairdresser popularly known as Man-Woman, who lived two streets away. A man, he was known all over the neighborhood for his feminine ways. He painted his long nails pink. He had his hair in Jheri curls. He preferred tight white trousers. He swayed his waist from side to side when he walked. He tied his towel on his chest and not on his waist on his way to the bathroom. He stood and gossiped with women all the time. And when the women said something funny he laughed in a tinkling manner and covered his mouth coyly with his fingers.

He was known to be generous, and even those who didn't like him had no reason to be hostile toward him. The womenfolk liked him and confided in him. He had the secrets of the menfolk in his hands. Initially it did not surprise anyone that Man-Woman came to the Family House to greet Brother Julius. The man had just returned from abroad and well-wishers were free to walk in and have a drink or even just to see the face of the returnee. The strange thing about the visit was that they
hugged like long-lost brothers and had eyes only for each other, such that without being told other guests who were sipping soft drinks and White Horse whiskey, had to slip out of the room. When they left they heard the door shut behind them and then there were soft girlish giggles from Man-Woman. In the days that followed, Man-Woman began to bring different guests to the house. They ate, drank, talked, ate some more, drank tea, and laughed loudly. The only time Brother Julius said anything to anyone was in response to Grandpa's accusation that he was having an everlasting party and that no party lasts forever, when he told Grandpa that this was not a party but that he was holding a
salon
with his new friends.

—And what is this we hear that he has turned that house into a hotel for all kinds of people—

—He claims it is not a hotel but that he is holding a
salon
—

—What is that? Did he go abroad to learn hairdressing?—

—Don't we have enough barbing and hairdressing saloons on this street already?—

—Even Kafa calls himself a London-trained barber and his London-Style Barbing Saloon has been there since that boy was a kid—

—He says it is not that kind of saloon. His is a
salon,
a place where they gather to talk about ideas for the betterment of society—

—So why do they shut the door when they discuss these ideas?—

—You are asking me as if I've been in there with them. I am not a member—

—
So tell me why is it that it is only people like Man-Woman who attend the meetings?—

—What society do they want to make better, they want to destroy the world that they met with their strange ways?—

—I heard that all those men who enter that room
follow their fellow men
. They go with their fellow men—

—Shhhh, hush, don't say that. This world is live and let live—

—But how do they make money from this
salon
?—

—They say the
salon
is not meant to make money, it is for the discussion of ideas for the betterment of society—

—If it does not make money, how can it better society?—

—You are asking me?—

—Who do you want me to ask; did you hear that I am a member of their secret
salon
?—

—If it is a secret society, that one is good. The secret society members help themselves. Once you give each other the secret handshake, it is like you are both born of the same mother. You will give the other person the shirt on your back—

—But who pays for all the drinks and food and tea that they consume in their meetings—

—They have money in that house. Money is not their problem. First I thought it was the man from abroad funding the thing but I hear he did not return with a single brass farthing—

—He keeps telling everyone that his things are still on the high seas, that he could not carry much with him on the flight—

—Well, all I can say is that if they cannot make the world better, let them not ruin the world, they had better leave it the way they met it—

The parties continued. Now, there was no longer anything furtive about them. They were having parties. They were playing loud music. Some people who said someone saw men holding the waist of other men and they were dancing
hold-tight
in there.

Grandpa finally summoned Brother Julius for a man-to-man talk. He asked him when his stuff would be arriving from abroad. Brother Julius responded that the shipping company said the goods may have been missing on the high seas or that the ship lost its route due to high winds but would be arriving at the ports soon.

What about getting a job? he was asked.

He said by the nature of what he studied he was more comfortable setting up a consultancy firm.

And what exactly had he studied that had no name or that was only mentioned in vague terms?

He was an expert in the area of international criminology.

Had he considered joining the state secret police? Force CID at police headquarters?

He was not in the same field as the secret police.

And then Grandpa, having circled the subject as much as he could, asked Brother Julius about what was bothering him most. It wasn't the issue of getting a job, that wasn't a problem at all. There was enough money in the house to feed generations to come. As Grandpa used to tell us, the difference between him and others was that he had planted a money tree
in the Family House, which will continue to bear fruit into the future if not in perpetuity.

“People have been whispering about the company you keep. That all kinds of people come to the house.
Such and such
people. People they do not quite know how to describe. People that are neither birds that fly in the air nor four-legged animals that walk on land.”

Brother Julius responded that he was a grown man and that he would keep the company of whoever he wanted.

Grandpa said he didn't have a problem with that, but it would be better if Brother Julius did what other grown men did, such as getting a good job and getting a car and driver and moving into their own flat, and if they wished, they could live the highlife lifestyle to the fullest by throwing a party every weekend or every day for that matter.

One of the surprising members of the
salon
was a married man named Seleto. He was a happy fellow, always smiling and buying people drinks in neighborhood bars. People wondered what he was doing with the
salon
crowd.

—He is probably there for the free drinks. He loves to drink with people—

—He can afford to buy his own drinks. He always offers to buy for people—

—He probably doesn't know what is going on there—

—Maybe they have initiated him, you can never be sure—

—You mean converted him?—

—It is like a club, when you join, then you become a member—

—I hear there are benefits of being a member. They say they can recognize themselves anywhere—

—They say a lot of important people are members and that they reward each other with jobs and contracts—

—I think Seleto and Julius were in high school together. He is just keeping the company of an old schoolmate—

One morning Seleto's wife ran into the Family House, screaming. She was dragging her husband with her. She screamed. She wailed. She cried. She cursed.

“What have you people done with my husband's manhood?”

“What did you use his manhood for?”

“Why have you people stolen the thing that makes him a man?”

“I warned him when he started coming to this house. I told him the house is evil. I told him that only bad stories ever came out of the house. I told him to start following other women, to get a girlfriend, but he would not listen. Was it the drinks in this house? My husband can buy his own drink and everyone knows that.”

She started screaming one more time.

“Come outside, you, and give him back his thing.” She was calling on Brother Julius.

“All the evil that you people have been doing in darkness I know it would come to light. Now it has come to light. Come and repair the damage you have done.”

People had come out of their houses by this time and were looking at the house and listening to Seleto's wife.

—What did she say happened to her husband?—

—She said they took his manhood—

—How did they take it? Has it disappeared completely?—

—I do not know. Nobody has seen it—

—You remember a few years back there was the case of disappearing manhood—

—Oh yes I remember. We were warned to stop shaking other people's hands. First we were warned to stop shaking the hands of strangers and then later we were told to stop shaking the hands of anybody because it wasn't just strangers that were doing it—

Brother Julius came out and so did Grandpa. They were asking Seleto's wife to calm down and to stop screaming. They said that whatever the problem was, it could never be solved by screaming. They asked Seleto to say what happened, but Seleto pointed back at his wife.

“Since he began to come to this house to party every evening he has not been living with me as a husband should. He always complains that he is too tired or too drunk to do it. So this morning I got angry and threatened to leave him unless he agreed to do it with me only to discover that what made him a man is no longer there.”

“Disappeared, how? How has it disappeared? Show us.”

They looked around and drove the children away and asked Seleto to pull up his flowing djellaba.

Nobody was quite sure what they were going to see when he pulled it up. Was the place going to be flat or sealed off completely? How would he pee?