This Is a Book (10 page)
Authors: Demetri Martin
Tags: #Humor, #Form, #General, #American, #Literary Criticism, #Essays, #Jokes & Riddles, #American wit and humor
Sexes. Eh, the sexes.
Never even. Still, it’s DNA.
Never awed, I spot a boob.
O, wow! O, now two. Wow! O.K.
A still animal sits afoot: one vamp, a lap maven.
O, timid loser, I sedate ye.
Yes, live devil, as I tip it, it is.
I tip it. I peep it.
“Send a man a gross orgasm!
I am, Ms., a crass, base dud.”
Ah, supple holes made me dire.
Lame fate got old, a most ogled omen.
O, did I tap a tit? A pat? I did.
Boobs or pasties, a bosom… Mmm—
Uh oh—
“Ahem, pal!”
Fast, I toss a tip.
“Mr., ass?”: a warning.
I sat ogled.
O, men! O, me, to tame Tina!
To gits I’m all animal.
“Sit now,” I say, as I do.
“Got it!” A pull… up it now I peer… camise yonder I keep.
I tip, I riff, or on one post untied, I ring.
I say, “O boy! My, my, baby. Ticklish?”
Alas, a bossy baby. Ergo, nope.
Yes, I rise. Yes.
“Ah, can I flow on, Miss?” I hit it.
“Oh, madam!” Stress all astir oft.
“Ah, we’re too hot.”
Ah, we met a rebel god as animals.
I won’t nod. I’ll act.
Eyes open, I fall.
It’s w few, dim, all ill.
I’m in a man-made reverie, babe.
Now on one pole: Stella!
Ever I wonder, Miss, as I tip (also ten, if stiff).
It’s o so still. A creep’s eyes peer.
Call it so.
So stiff, it’s fine to slap. It is ass.
I’m red now.
I reveal, “Let’s elope!”
“No.”
Now one babe I revere.
Damn! A man.
I’m ill, ill amid we few still.
A fine pose yet call I don’t.
Now I slam in a sad ogle.
“Berate me!”
“What?” O, hoot. Ere? What for?
“It’s all,” asserts madam, “ho tit.”
I hiss, “I’m no wolf in a chase.”
Yes, I rise. Yep.
O, no. Grey baby’s so basal.
Ah, silk city baby, my, my. O boy, a sign!
I ride it, nuts open. On or off, I rip it. I peek.
Ired, no? Yes, I’m a creep.
I won’t. I pull up a tit.
“O God,” I say, as I won’t.
I slam, in all, a mist.
I got an item, a totem.
One model got a sign in raw ass.
Armpit. Ass. O, tits. A flap! Me!
Ha, ho, hum. Mmm. O, so base.
It’s a pro’s boob.
Did I tap a tit? A pat? I did.
One model got so mad.
Lo, to get a female.
“Ride me, damsel.
O, help push a dude’s abs.”
Sarcasm maims a gross organ, a mad nest.
I peep. I tip it. I sit. I tip.
It is a live devil’s eye.
Yet a desire’s old. I’m it: one vamp, a lap maven.
O, too fast I slam.
In all, it’s a K.O.
Wow! Ow. Two now. Ow.
O, boob, a topside war.
Even and still it’s never even.
Sexes. Eh, the sexes.
Dear Readers:
We have received an overwhelming number of letters in response to our recent publication of
Cat-astrophe: A Calendar for People Who Do Not Love Cats
. Many of you have expressed your disapproval, and, in some cases, downright anger about the calendar. We would like to offer here a brief explanation in response, as it seems many of you have grossly misunderstood our calendar and its contents.To begin, while there are many, many calendars, which feature and celebrate cats, there are very few, if any, that represent the vast, often silent, constituency of people who do not love cats or even like them at all. We know it may be difficult for you to imagine that there are people who do not like cats or enjoy seeing them glorified. But, just as you cannot sense how bad your home smells because of your cat or how much cat hair you have on the back of your sweater, you also cannot comprehend just how much the people who dislike cats often hate them.
We hope that you will find the month-by-month explanations provided below helpful, and that you might replace some
of your blind rage and narrow-minded intolerance with compassion and understanding. Please remember that we are merely a publishing company that’s trying to publish quality calendars, and we have no vested interest in either side of the cat issue.
JANUARY
“T
ETHER
C
AT
”This photograph featuring a cat tied to a tetherball pole, swinging between two men who appear to have just batted it back and forth, was only staged to look that way. The cat was not “batted” at all. It was carefully swung from one man to the other—eventually with enough force so that it would stop banging into the pole. The cat was not really harmed too much during the photo shoot. In fact, it seemed to sot of enjoy the “ride.”
FEBRUARY
“S
NOW
C
AT
”The cat pictured here was glued onto the snowboard, so there was never any danger that it would fall off as it passed through the moguls and over the jump. As I’m sure you know, cats are very flexible. So the few times that the cat did wipe out or coast into a tree, it regained its composure and consciousness very quickly.
MARCH
“N
ICE
C
AT-CH
”The cat head that is mounted on the wall in this photograph was not stuffed or taxidermed in any way. It is the head of a live cat, who was simply placed into a mounting device through
a hole in the wall. The cat pictured here was very much alive when the photo was taken (and is still pretty much alive today despite the minor accident we had with its antlers).
APRIL
“K
ITLER
”First off, the kitten you see here, who is dressed as Adolf Hitler is, in fact, a German cat. Second, aside from the acute allergic reaction it had to the uniform and the difficulties presented by the surprising strength of the glue we used to attach its mustache, the kitten had no problem with its outfit. Also, the “concentration cats” located behind the fence in this photo were not nearly as emaciated as they appear to be. Most of that was done with lighting, makeup, and duct tape.
MAY
“C
AT-APULT
”The cat strapped to the catapult in this picture was not harmed during the photo shoot. The cat you see flying in the distance most likely landed safely into a swimming pool or onto some other soft surface in the neighborhood.
JUNE
“C
AT WITH
M
ANY
L
ARGE
K
NIVES
”The knives you see sticking into the wood around the body of the cat, who was tied to the spinning wheel in this photograph, were thrown by a professional knife thrower. At no time during the shoot did the cat suffer any harm. While the cat did pass away shortly after they untied it, a subsequent autopsy revealed that the cat had a preexisting anxiety condition.
JULYnt>
“B
AR
-B
E
-C
AT
”Every one of these cats was removed from the rotisserie at the first sign of catching fire, and most were sprayed with fire retardant before the photo shoot, making them even less flammable.
AUGUST
“C
AT
-A-M
ARAN
”While this cat may have been slightly terrified when we stretched it and attached its legs to floating hulls before sending it out into the water and dragging it with a speedboat, it came out of the photo shoot just fine and was back to normal after a few short weeks in traction.
SEPTEMBER
“N
INE
L
IVES
?”All you need to know is that each of the cats pictured here was already dead before we took any of these nine photographs.
OCTOBER
“C
AT
O’L
ANTERN
”We are legally prohibited from commenting on the content of this photograph due to pending litigation.
NOVEMBER
“T
HANKSGIVING
T
URK-CAT
”The supposedly “roasted” cat featured in this gourmet
spread was not actually roasted, nor was it cooked or even killed. Not only was the cat not killed, it was also heavily sedated so that it would sit still for the photo. Not many cats ever get the opportunity to mentally “check out” for a few hours, much less have a mind-expanding trip, but this one was lucky enough to do just that.
DECEMBER
“C
AT
C
HRISTMAS
T
REE
”Finally, our famous Cat Christmas Tree pictured in this photograph was created using more than 71 cats. The cats were tied together, carefully stacked, and then arranged into the magnificent, heavily ornamented tree featured here in the calendar. The cats that were glued together were glued using the least toxic airplane glue we could find. Also, the cats that were used to make the garland were only the cats we found on the street, who seemed up for it. I think it’s safe to say that if any of these cats could talk they would certainly tell us how proud they were to be part of a world-record-setting cat tree, no matter how hard or deadly it may have been at the time.
We hope this explanation has been helpful in answering your questions and concerns, despite how ridiculous and uninformed those questions and concerns may be. Thank you for your understanding and we look forward to your continued understanding with the upcoming publication of our new book,
The More Than One Thousand and One Ways to Skin a Cat.
This page is unnecessary.
Take a look at this glass of water.
O
PTIMIST:
The glass is half full.P
ESSIMIST:
The glass is half empty.C
ONTORTIONIST:
I can fit both of my feet in there, no problem.
It just started raining.
O
PTIMIST:
Good. We could use the rain.P
ESSIMIST:
Damn. It’s probably going to rain all day.C
ONTORTIONIST:
When I’m wet, it’s easier for me to get in and out of certain things, like an umbrella holder, for example. Although, antique ceramics can be a real problem. I learned that the hard way at a private party once. They had to break me out of that umbrella holder. And then the hostess got really mad about it. I hate people who are not flexible. No pun intended.