This Is Falling (16 page)

Paige told us she was moving out next week to
the Delta house, and I could tell Cass was happy about that. I
think she relished the idea of
not
being a twin for a while,
not that there was anything remotely similar about her and her
sister. Surprisingly, though, Paige’s departure made me feel a
little sad. She was more than her appearances, and I felt like I
was just getting to know the real her.

Paige left in the late afternoon for a
date—apparently she moved on quickly from her crush on Nate to a
member of the football team. For the last hour, I’ve been sitting
still, watching Cass try on outfits for the dinner I was
half-invited to, and when Cass realizes I’m not getting ready, she
questions me.

“Are you just going like that?” She motions
to my shorts and plain blue tank top.

“I’m not sure Nate really wants me to go. He
was sort of…I don’t know, weird about it,” I say.

“Hmmmm,” Cass says, reaching for my hand to
pull me up to a stand in front of her. When I’m fully up, she
slings my arm forward, pushing me toward my clothes in the closet
and slapping my butt while I pass by. “Here’s the deal. I don’t
know what you mean by
weird
, but Nate had about a two-hour
prep conversation with Ty and me the other day trying to get up the
balls to ask you to dinner. So if you don’t show up, we’re going to
feel like failures. Now put something pretty on, and hurry, we’re
late.”

I love Cass. It’s decided; she is now my best
friend.

Chapter
15

Nate

Usually a really hard workout helps me get
rid of the desire to punch something, but not this time. It’s still
here, a sense of balled up energy stemming from my bicep and
rolling all the way through my fist. I don’t know why I care so
much and so fast, but I do.

When Rowe said she didn’t think I’d ever meet
her parents, it was like an emotional car wreck went off in my
chest. It was a nothing statement to her, but to me it had been so
damned significant.

I’m just not that guy, the guy who keeps
things in compartments and satisfies urges and doesn’t get them
tangled with the rest of the shit going on in his heart and his
head. I tried being that guy for a few months, and it sucked. I
felt like an asshole. I
was
an asshole. My tour through the
world of asshole-ness was brief—nope, not for me.

“Rowe coming?” Ty asks, holding his arm out
for me to button the cuffs on his shirt. We always dress up for
Sunday dinner with my parents. My mom always insisted on it when we
were kids and at home, and it just sort of became the
tradition—even if we’re dining out.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” I say, not lifting
my eyes to meet his and just focusing on the button in front of me.
There’s a soft knock on the door behind me, and her voice soon
follows.

“Okay to come in?” Rowe asks, her words
pushing the corner of my lips up into a smile against my
wishes.

“Don’t care my ass,” Ty whispers, leaning
forward. “Rowe, I know this probably isn’t appropriate, but
damn
girl. You look hot!”

Her giggle pushes my lips up the rest of the
way. I haven’t turned to see her yet, and part of me wants to put
it off, knowing it will do me in completely. I finish the last few
buttons on my own shirt, a plain white fitted one that I leave
un-tucked, and then turn to see if my brother’s right.

This
is how a girl steals your heart.
Rowe’s hair is down in waves, the front swept to the side with a
tiny braid holding it in place. Everything about her face is simple
and plain—absolutely kissable. She’s wearing a long black dress
with black flat sandals that somehow still make her look like she’s
six-foot-seven thanks to the slit along the side of her leg showing
off what is quickly becoming my favorite part of her body. I’m
inching closer to her without even realizing it, and when I reach
her, I touch the tips of my fingers to her chin and turn her face
so I can kiss her cheek. “May I?”

She only nods; her eyes looking away and her
shyness making her face burn red. I tuck her hair behind her ear,
letting my fingers indulge in a slight graze along her shoulder,
coming to rest along her neck. When my lips meet her cheek I’m
instantly charged with a need to kiss her more, but I don’t. I
wouldn’t, unless she gave me permission.

“Ty’s right,” I smile. “You look hot.”

“Well, you’re just used to the ideal woman
because of your new Barbie obsession. You’re just projecting,” she
jokes, and I can tell it’s because she’s uncomfortable with the
attention.

“Yeah, well, you can turn her head completely
around on her body, so that’s kinda hard to top,” I say, trying to
set her at ease again.

“Oh, mine does that too,” she winks. Yeah,
heart…stolen.

My parents meet us at the only semi-nice
restaurant near campus. My mom says it’s not a fancy dinner unless
the place serves you bread before you eat, so she always insists on
places like this. It’s a steakhouse called Morgan’s, and I’m just
excited my parents are picking up the bill.

“Rowe, Cass, so glad you both could join us,”
my mom says, reaching around to hug both of the girls. I pull out
Rowe’s seat next to me, and she slides in, her fingers gripping at
the side of her dress.

“So, Cass. Ty tells us you’re studying
physical education? Do you hope to teach?” my dad asks. I notice
Rowe’s hands flex and tighten even more as Cass responds to my
dad’s question. She’s waiting for the question to come to her next,
and she’s worried because she doesn’t have an answer. We’re also
sitting in the middle of the restaurant, and I can see her eyes
darting from side to side, sneaking in glances at her surroundings.
Without even thinking, I slide my hand to her leg and reach for her
fingers. She startles at first, and I give her the tiniest shrug,
hoping she’ll use me for strength—just for tonight. Her hand moves
to mine, and soon she’s holding my hand tightly.

“I’d like to get into rehab work,” Cass
finishes explaining. I watch as my mom looks over to Ty, nodding
and smiling with her approval. Ty rolls his eyes, but I know he
likes Cass a lot.

“How about you, Rowe? What are you studying?”
my dad asks, and I feel her grip somehow get even tighter. You’d
never know the exertion happening under the tablecloth by the look
of complete calmness Rowe is showing up above, and I’m actually
pretty impressed.

“Well, I haven’t really decided yet. But I’m
thinking about philosophy or art.” Her voice trails up at the end,
almost like she’s asking a question, so anxious for my parents to
approve. Rowe has no idea how perfect her answer was, but she’s
about to find out.

“You know, Cathy’s an artist,” my dad says,
always the first to brag about my mom.

“I have a small studio,” my mom says
modestly. The truth is my mom has three small studio galleries in
New Orleans and California, and she sells a lot of her work. She
does sculpture and metal work, and I don’t know much about her
world, but I know people pay her a lot of money when they
commission a piece.

“You should check out my mom’s website,” I
say, getting Rowe’s attention. “She does metal sculpture. I bet
you’d like it.” Rowe bites at her lip and smiles, her grip on my
hand loosening with every minute that passes.

“Here…I have a card.” My mom reaches into her
purse and pulls out a bent card with her website listed on it, and
Rowe studies it closely.

“Thanks, I will,” she says, her smile
somewhere between wonder and relief. She leans down to tuck the
card in her purse.

Rowe relaxes even more when the waitress
shows up, cutting her interview with my parents short. Minutes
later, we’re all picking at the loaf of bread dropped off at our
table, too interested in the garlic butter and toasted edges to pay
any more attention to conversation.

I let Rowe’s hand go, but only for a few
minutes while we place our orders and take our drinks. And as soon
as the waitress leaves our table, I reach for her again, and her
hand is actually waiting for mine.

“Oh, we ran into the Maxwells,” my mom
starts, sucking all air from my lungs. I don’t know why she thinks
this is a good direction for dinner talk, but I’m rapidly trying to
get Ty’s attention, hoping he can help me make a conversational
U-turn somehow. But no, he only makes it worse.

“Yeah? Was that slut Sadie with them?” Ty has
a way with words, and those just made sure Cass and Rowe were
completely dialed in on whatever my mom says next.

“Ty, your mouth,” Mom says.

“Oh, right. Sorry. I guess the appropriate
term is
hooker
. Is that the nice way to categorize your
brother’s cheating ex-girlfriend?” I kick Ty’s chair under the
table, and he finally looks up. “What? That’s what she is!”

I keep trying to motion my eyes to Rowe
sitting next to me, and finally he gets it and just mouths
sorry
, returning his attention to the salad now in front of
him.

“
Anyway
,
”
my mom continues. “We
didn’t see Sadie, just her parents. But they said she took the
scholarship to Oklahoma State.”

Great. My cheating ex-girlfriend, the first
and only girl I said I loved, is playing basketball for a college
less than ninety miles from me. And I find this out while
desperately clinging to the fingers of the girl sitting next to me.
The girl I want. The only thing I’ve thought about since I met her
almost a month ago. The girl who says I’ll probably never meet her
parents because we’ll never be anything more than whatever the hell
it is we are right now. And all I can do is be okay with it all,
because her problems are a hell of a lot heavier than mine.

“Ha, I bet you run into her,” Ty says, and
this time I throw a piece of lettuce at him, like I’m four. When my
mother isn’t looking, he just gives me his middle finger, and Rowe
lets go of my other hand.

Rowe

Everything changed when Nate’s parents
brought up Sadie. His posture was different, his breathing was
different, the way his hand felt in mine—different. Nate’s mom told
a few stories about him and Sadie, talking about how they won prom
king and queen in high school, and how Nate had this secret crush
on Sadie his junior year and used to go to all of her basketball
games and leave before the end of the fourth quarter, afraid to
talk to her.

I had a hard time imagining Nate being
anything other than confident, which made me start to wonder about
how different he is with me. Sadie had his heart, as far as I can
tell. At least, she did until she betrayed him—Ty wasn’t shy about
sharing that part, about how Nate walked in on her with his best
friend at their graduation party.

The walk home with Nate, Cass, and Ty felt
strange now that I had all of this new information, too. And I
couldn’t help but think that maybe hearing about Sadie had brought
up old feelings.

“Wanna hang?” Nate says, bringing me back to
the present. Ty and Cass are ahead of us, already heading down the
hall to my room. When the door closes behind them, I know I have
nowhere to go, at least not for a while.

“Thanks,” I say, feeling much more like a
burden than I would have a couple of hours ago.

Nate flips the TV on to “Sports Center,” and
part of me thinks he just wants to fill the quiet in the room. I
sit on the edge of Ty’s bed, my purse in my lap, and watch a
montage of amazing baseball plays.

“That guy’s awesome. The shortstop for
Colorado?” Nate says, sliding back on his bed and propping his head
up on a pillow, the awkwardness still very much alive between the
two of us.

“I bet I’ll see you up there someday,” I say,
instantly feeling gushy and stupid, like a fan girl.

“You coming to my tournament next weekend?”
He still hasn’t looked at me. He hasn’t put his eyes to mine since
the Sadie conversation.

“Oh, uh…I can’t. I’m going home for the
weekend.” For whatever reason, that seems to get Nate’s attention,
and his eyes move immediately to mine. I hold his stare as long as
I can without breaking, but eventually it becomes too intense, and
I look back down to the floor.

“How come I can’t meet your parents?” he
asks, and I’m so perplexed by his question that I can only respond
with one of my own.

“Are you still in love with Sadie?”

Nate holds my stare again, just like he did
before, only this time he’s the one to break. He reaches along the
side of his bed for the television remote, pushing the mute button
so we’re forced to fill the silence between us. He slides forward
on his bed until he’s on the edge, right across from me, and then
he squares his long legs to the side, facing me completely.

“Sadie was my high school girlfriend. She’s
the first girl I said I loved and was the one to take my virginity.
Before graduation, we were planning on going to the same college.
She plays basketball, and she’s really fucking good.” There’s a
bite to his tone, and it makes me uncomfortable.

“When I caught her with my best friend Seth,
I fell out of love with her—in an instant. There was no thinking
about it, no wondering what I did wrong. I woke up that morning in
love and I came home that night out of it. So no, Rowe. I’m not in
love with Sadie. Her parents are still friendly with mine, but I’m
so incredibly out of love with Sadie that I don’t even get angry or
bitter when my family tells me stories about her. The only thing
that made me upset tonight was having to hear those stories in
front of you.”

It’s so quiet in his room that I’m afraid to
swallow the gigantic lump that is choking me, but I do. And when I
do, Nate leans forward even more, his elbows on his knees while he
brings his hands together in front of him to crack each knuckle,
again, his eyes never leaving me.