This Side of the Sun (The Sun Trilogy) (14 page)

When I woke, I wasn't sure where I was. My lungs burned and my skin felt hot. I could hear the commotion from the explosion around me, but it was muffled. I gasped for breath.

“Easy there,” said Saul, his deep voice grounding me.

I continued to struggle for air.

“Hattie, you’re ok. I think you had another bad dream.”

“I was there,” I whimpered. “Back at the explosion. So many people were yelling.”

“It’s okay,” he reassured me.

I was sitting upright. Trying to get my bearings. I felt his warm hand on my back. The images that my mind had woven while I slept were thankfully fading, but an ominous feeling had been left behind.

“Do you mind getting me some water?” I asked.

He kissed my temple. “Sure. Of course.”

The room was
lightening with daylight and I wondered what time it was. I listened as Saul eased his way out of the bed and walked in the dark to the bathroom in the hallway. Some moments later the toilet flushed and I heard him rummaging through the kitchen. My heartbeat was finally starting to slow back down to something resembling normalcy. My bladder was telling me to get out of bed, the cold was telling me to stay in, and nothing was telling me to go back to sleep. I sighed heavily and finally crawled out of the warm bed.

On the way to the bathroom, I quickly turned on the lamp that Saul kept on the dresser and rummaged through his drawers until I found a t-shirt to borrow. Once semi-dressed, I made my way to the bathroom, and eventually to the kitchen. Saul stood there in boxer shorts making coffee, which had already begun to brew. It smelled heavenly.

“I heard you get up,” he said as he took two empty mugs from a cabinet and set them on the counter.

“I don’t think I can go back to sleep,” I admitted. “What time is it?”

“Eight o’clock. Hey, nice shirt.”

I smiled. “Hope you don’t mind?”

“Of course not. It’s today now. Your home, including all that’s in it. Me. And my shirts.”

“I’ll need to talk to Joe and Justine later this morning. They might like the idea of me moving out. Making room for the baby and all.”

“You sure you’re ready for this?” he asked. “Living with me?”

“It’s fast, but I know it feels right.”

I watched as he opened the freezer and took out a half-gallon of Breyer’s vanilla bean ice cream. He carefully put a scoop into each mug before putting it away.

“What are you doing?” I asked, wondering what kind of a goofball I had gotten myself involved with.

“Oh, it’s an age-old recipe to cure nightmare hangovers,” he said as he winked at me.

“You’re so weird,” I said with a slight chuckle.

“Seriously. My mom used to make this for us anytime we’d wake up and couldn’t go back to sleep. Well, back then it was vanilla ice cream with hot cocoa. This version is better.”

“Sounds…interesting.”

“I have a Presto log ready to light in the fireplace. We can have our coffee in there. Talk for a while if you want?”

I nodded. “Okay. Tell me where the lighter is and I’ll go start the log? I’m freezing.”

“It’s one of those wand things; on the mantle.”

“Saul?”

“Hmm?”

“Thanks.”

“Anytime, babe.”

I slowly wandered into the living room. The lighter was right where he had said to expect it and soon the Presto log was afire. As if on cue, Saul walked in with two mugs of coffee. I took mine from him gratefully and held it in both hands, taking advantage of the warmth of the mug.

“Here, hold mine for a sec?” he asked, holding his mug out for me.

I took it without question and watched as he spread a quilt over the couch for us. I sat carefully, still holding both mugs, and smiled when he covered me with an afghan. Once he sat beside me, I handed him his coffee and finally sipped at mine. It was a lot better than I had imagined; it was almost sinful.

“You like it, don’t you?” he asked.

“It’s really good.”

“So, tell me something. Have you been having nightmares every night?”

“Pretty much.”

“It’s a lot to cope with. Maybe getting away for a break would be good after all.”

I looked at him sideways while taking another sip of sinfulness. “I can’t afford a vacation.”

“Then let me take you.”

“That’d feel weird.”

“It shouldn’t. I’m not working right now. I have extra money. Let me take you away for a few days.”

“I’ll think about it. But no promises. Hey, I need to grab some clothes from home for the funeral today; assuming you still want to go?”

“I’d like to. Actually, no, I
need
to be there,” he said somberly.

I set my free hand on his thigh and squeezed. “Then I’ll be there with you.”

The telltale ring of Saul’s cell phone went off; “I’m Too Sexy for my Shirt.” He had told me that Lina had programmed that in over a year ago. It made me wonder how she was getting along back on the East Coast.

I watched as Saul stood by the small front window, facing away from me, and listened in idly while he spoke.

“Yup this morning at ten works perfect. Actually sooner is fine too. Uh-huh. I’ll be here. Oh, make sure the tank’s full?”

Once he hung up, he returned to his seat next to me on the couch and leaned his head back.

“You look tired,” I said while I stroked a few stray strands of hair away from his brow.

“It’s been hectic lately.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“That was my car insurance contact. They’re delivering a new truck today.”

“Already?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah, pretty quick huh? It’s not brand new, but close to it. A little smaller than the old one. But heck, it’ll do and then there’s some cash left over.”

“That’s cool.”

“Makes me glad I paid for gap insurance. I still owed on the Ford, so they paid that off, let me buy the used one, and I get the difference in a nice check.”

“Sweet.”

“Good timing too. We can use the new rig to move some of your stuff.”
                           

“I won’t have much, really. Just clothes and bathroom stuff, and a few odds-n-ends.”

“No furniture?”

Not unless you want me to bring some? I’m sure Joe and Justine can use what’s there. I love my bed but if they want it they can use it.”

I looked at him sideways and smiled.

“Well, I guess you can sleep in my bed if you want.” He winked, letting me know he was being sarcastic.

“I should get home. Pack a few things and get ready for the funeral.”

“Hattie?” His tone changed, his deep voice sounding very serious.

“Hmm?”

“Go to Hawaii with me?”

I laughed. “I can’t afford a trip like that, Saul. Otherwise it sounds nice.”

“My feelings are hurt,” he said with a pout on his face. “Let me take you?”

I adjusted myself on the sofa, turning to face him. I reached over and set my coffee cup on the little table in front of the couch. Twisting to face me, he mirrored me. I reached a hand out and found his, and laced my fingers though his.

“It’s too much,” I said with sincerity in my voice.

“Then we’ll go for just half the time.”

I wanted to laugh, but his face was too serious. His eyes were looking at me, their depth reflecting some desire deep within.

“Saul…”

He held his index finger up to my lips to quiet me. He let it linger there, and I closed my eyes for a moment. I felt his hand tighten around my own, but kept my eyes closed. His touch made me feel whole.

“Hattie, look at me.” His voice had deepened, and his words had been said so very quietly.

I opened my eyes as he took his finger from my lips. He had leaned forward almost imperceptibly and took my other hand in his. I looked at him without saying anything.

“Come to Hawaii with me?”

The connection I felt with him at that moment was indescribable. I simply nodded ‘yes.’

“Marry me.”

I blinked. A few times. I wasn't quite sure I had heard him right and was about to ask him what he had said when he repeated it.

“Marry me.”

“Saul…” I wasn't sure what to say. “That’s not funny.”

His face remained serious with no hint of joking.

“I mean it, Hattie. I want you to marry me.”

“We just met,” I whispered. “How can you say that?”

He took a deep breath and leaned back, still holding my hands in his. He never stopped looking directly at me. “I know it sounds crazy, but since we met I haven’t stopped thinking about you. It’s hard to think about anything else; like it’s hard to breathe when you’re not close to me. I can’t imagine life without you. I know we barely know each other, but I swear if you say yes I’ll be the best husband I can be. And a good father, if you want kids some day?”
                           

I let go of his hands and stood, needing a minute to process what all he had just said. I could hear him shifting his body on the couch. I walked to the front window and looked out. The sky was beginning to cloud over and darken. It would be fitting for a funeral.

“Looks like it might rain,” I said without much emotion.

I turned to face Saul again. He was situated on the edge of the couch, arms on his knees, just watching me. He looked a bit nervous. I crossed my arms over my chest and turned back to the window.

“Why me?” I asked quietly, not particularly expecting an answer.

“If you ask me, it was just meant to be. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before.”

“What if time passes and you decide I’m annoying?”

I heard him stand and walk toward me. I stayed facing the window and waited. Soon, his warm arms wrapped around me. I felt the scruff of his face nestle against my neck.

“I’m sorry if the question scared you. I’ll be honest. I didn’t mean to ask you like that. I would have done it over a romantic dinner or something. But I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. I want you, all of you, and I want you forever. I want to love you, to take care of you, and to grow old with you.”

I wriggled in his arms until I was facing him. “You’re really serious?”

He nodded. “I am.”

“Can I take some time to think about it?”

“Hattie. I’ll wait as long as it takes.”

“Okay. I’ll go.”

“To Hawaii?”

I nodded.

“But I need some time to think about the rest of it.”

“I’ll wait,” he whispered just before his soft lips brushed against mine. “Forever if I have to.”

Saul’s new truck was supposed to be black like the old one, but a mix-up had left him as the new owner of a cherry red crew-cab with really big wheels. He grumbled about it for several minutes and had a heated conversation with the insurance rep before giving in and coming to terms with his new ride. I had never really heard him angry before, other than the brief outburst where he tried to kill the dumpster as we drove away from the explosion and the night of Joe’s wedding when Everett got out of line toward me. I wasn't quite sure how to handle his mood, so did my best to blend in with the furniture while he worked it out. He growled to himself after he hung up his phone and I forced myself to not giggle. The truth was he was sexy when angry and I was pretty turned on.

By the time he joined me in the living room, his hair was mussed from him grabbing at it and his shirt was untucked. “Fucking insurance company,” he grumbled.

“It’s a pretty truck,” I said quietly, testing out his mood.

“You like it?” he asked, his demeanor softening a touch.

I nodded and stood, walking toward him. “I do.”

“Then you can have it,” he said, smirking.

“You can’t give me a truck.” I reached my hands up and began unbuttoning his wrinkled shirt.

“But you can give me a shower.”

“You’re trying to distract me, aren’t you?”

I smiled slyly. “Is it working?”

“Uh-huh.”

I had unbuttoned all but the bottom button of his shirt, which I was now struggling with. He covered my hands with his own and worked his strong fingers until the task was done. I placed my palms against his strong abs and slowly moved up to his muscular chest. I could hear his breathing deepen under my touch. He leaned down to kiss me and I moved my hands to his bare shoulders and eventually guided his shirt down his arms. Our kiss deepened and his tongue worked feverishly to taste me.

“I want to you so bad,” he whispered against my neck as he ran his hands up my shirt.

With a new-found sense of urgency, I pulled my shirt off and Saul helped free me of my bra. We worked our way out of the rest of our clothes
and set off on our way to the bathroom. Once there, Saul turned on the hot water and while it warmed he guided me to a place against the wall. He moved forward and pressed himself against me. He had me pinned, holding my arms over my head with one of his strong hands. I could sense that he meant to take control when he smiled at me mischievously. The thought excited me greatly. Our eyes locked on each other for a brief moment before he kissed me deeply. I felt one of his hands slide down my bare side while the other kept my arms over my head. In the cold bathroom, the sensation was electric. My breathing deepened and became a bit irregular when his hand went from my hip to between my legs. His fingers began to gently slide inside of me, causing me to moan softly.

“How can you always be so ready for me?” he asked.

“Because you drive me crazy,” I replied.

“Please say yes, Hattie?” he whispered with desperation in his voice. “Please. I can’t live without you.”

As badly as I wanted to shout the word ‘yes’ I knew that I had to have time to think. I gasped when his fingers left me and found my clit. His touch was so soft and gentle that I was amazed it could bring so much pleasure.

“When did you say we’d be safe with your birth control?” he asked.

“The doctor said in a week. It’s been six days.”

“Fuck,” he grumbled against my neck. “I want to feel you so bad
ly.”

Suddenly he lifted me off of the floor so that I was straddling him. I locked my ankles together behind his back as he carried me to the shower. He looked at me tenderly as he tested the water and adjusted it slightly.

“Six days is almost a week,” I said. “Tomorrow?”

He carried me into the shower. Still holding onto me, he rested my back against the tile wall. His face was pained with frustration.

“Do you have condoms in the shower?” I asked, nearly out of breath.

“No but we won’t be in here long,” he said as he resumed kissing me, his tongue hot and searching. “Think you can wait a few minutes or should we just head to the bedroom now?”

“Bedroom. Definitely,” I breathed against his rugged cheek.

He held me to him and carried me out of the shower, leaving the water running. I clung to him as he carried me down the hallway. His erection was painfully close to where I longed for it to be, and I whimpered in frustration as the trip to his bed took too long for my liking.

“Almost there,” he whispered.

A moment later he laid me on the bed. We were both still wet from the shower that we had abandoned, but I didn’t care. I watched Saul as he went through his routine of rolling a condom over his hard shaft. Daringly, I used my own hand to start pleasuring myself. When he saw this, he grinned.

“That’s a beautiful sight,” he grumbled as he joined me on the bed. “But do you mind if I take over now?”

I bit my lower lip and shook my head slowly side to side. His wet hair dripped onto my chest as he mounted me and slowly opened me with his erection. I groaned as he filled me and began thrusting rhythmically. In a matter of a few minutes he took me to a place of such intense pleasure that all I could focus on was myself falling apart in his arms. He joined me in ecstasy as we came together. As he rolled off of me and onto his side, trying to catch his breath, I clung to him and sobbed into his chest.

“Shhhh,” he soothed. “Hattie, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I whimpered.

“That’s not nothing, sweet thing. Talk to me.”

“It’s just not fair,” I said through tears. “That we’re here…when so many died.”

I felt him take a deep breath as he backed away from me a few inches.

“I have no words, love. I wish I did. It’s just going to take time. I’m glad we’re both still here; alive. But I wish no one had died.” His thumb wiped a tear from my cheek. “If you want we can skip the funeral today.”

I shook my head. “No. We need to go. I’ll be okay as long as you’re there beside me.”

“We’ll leave in a few days. I’ll schedule the plane tickets and a book a room. We’ll work through this all together, okay?”

I nodded.

***

I had suggested that I drive Saul’s truck home to prepare for the funeral, but he insisted on driving me until he trusted the vehicle. I hadn’t argued. It was one o’clock already and he was due to pick me up at two. The funeral would be in Fidalgo Bay. Joe had told me he heard on the news that a large crowd was expected. He and Justine were planning to go and offered to escort me, but I politely declined. They settled for my agreeing to go out to dinner with them afterward. It would give me a chance to discuss my plans to move with them. My father and Helen were in Seattle for the day, thankfully.

Saul and I had finally made it to the shower together after making love, so all I needed to do was change into something appropriate
for pay my respects. I chose a simple sleeveless dark brown dress that hugged my figure and fell just above my knees. I quickly French braided my hair and slipped on some simple pearl earrings and a matching necklace that had belonged to my mother. It was one of the only things of hers that I owned. While I had never truly met her and had no memories of her, the jewelry often comforted me when I needed them. My father had given them to me on my tenth birthday, figuring I was responsible enough by then. It was the same year I had gotten my ears pierced. It was BH; “before Helen.” I finished off the outfit with a very simple pair of brown pumps and a matching clutch in which to carry a handkerchief and my lip gloss. I didn’t bother with makeup, knowing if I cried it would just smear.

By the time I was done I had twenty minutes left, so joined Justine for a cup of tea in the kitchen. I noticed an apartment guide sitting on the counter but decided to not ask about it. She was dressed in black slacks and a dark gray maternity shirt. Her bump was just beginning to show and she was glowing. We talked about some of their baby name ideas; they were favoring Iris for a girl and William for a boy. They weren’t planning to find out gender until the baby was born. She was clearly excited as all get out.

***

Saul arrived at two o’clock sharp. Joe and Justine followed us to the funeral home. Since parking was packed, Saul and Joe parked several blocks away after dropping me and Justine off at the front door, where we waited for both men to return. I suspected that Joe wanted to talk to Saul alone, playing the role of protective brother.

People streamed past us into the funeral parlor. We were thirty minutes early, and the building was already nearly packed. Just as I thought to ask Justine if we should go find seats, Joe and Saul arrived. The four of us joined the other mourners who were walking inside. Flowers filled one side of the lobby, left by random citizens, family, and friends. There was a large banner that came from the local elementary school and had been decorated and signed by staff and students. I stood reading the banner just long enough to realize the mother of the baby had been a teacher there, out on maternity leave. I did my best to hold it together.

“Hattie, we need to sit,” whispered Saul.

I held onto the crook of his arm and glanced at him absently. As we began walking, I realized we were following a man in a suit. I sensed Joe and Justine directly behind us. Saul led me around the main seating, following the usher. We were seated in a nearly empty section off to one side in an alcove. The lighting was dim and Saul whispered to me that the family had requested we be seated in the ‘VIP’ section. I looked across the main seating area and saw that an identical seating section mirrored us. Sitting there was an older couple and a man about ten years or so older than us. Sitting beside him and leaning against him was a young girl of about four years old. Her father held her hand tightly and she looked so very sad. They all had red-rimmed eyes with blank stares. I glanced to my left toward the front of the room and my heart sank when I saw a tiny white coffin surrounded by mounds of flowers, all in shades of ivory and white. Lilies, roses, daisies, carnations, and lots of baby’s breath. Off to one side was a small table, covered in white lace, which held an eight-by-ten photograph of a mother and her infant as well as a small folded baby blanket. I took a deep breath, wanting to look away, but unable. Saul took my hand in his and squeezed lightly, breaking my trance. I looked over at him and his face calmed me. Soon others joined us on the pews upon which we sat. Most were in uniform: police, fire, EMT’s. I realized then that we were amongst those honored for being of some sort of help on that tragic day. Like Saul, some of them were accompanied by family. In that moment I realized that Saul was now just that; my family.

When I looked back to the main room, the crowd had grown significantly. All seats were taken and people were standing off to the sides. The double doors to the room were opened wide and people were also gathered there. The ambient temperature had risen and I soon felt cool air circulating, accompanied by the gentle hum of an air conditioning system. People spoke in hushed voices and I could hear the occasional sob of someone experiencing deep grief. I held onto Saul’s hand that much harder.

Soon, the hushed voices began to trail off as a middle aged lady carrying a violin walked up the center aisle. She took a seat behind the podium, well behind the tiny coffin and all of the flowers. She began playing a mournful, slow type of music. The tune was vaguely familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. I had only been to one funeral before, but the music had been piped in through speakers. This was much more personal. The older couple sitting by the man and his little girl looked devastated, and the woman began crying quietly.

After the melody ended, an older gentleman stood from the front row and walked to the podium. He arranged a few papers before he began to speak.

“Today is a day of mourning, but also of celebration of the lives of Virginia Hathaway and baby Grace-Anna Hathaway. One of the hardest parts of my job as a man of God is to explain the loss of a child. Of an infant. An innocent baby. How can I sit and tell parents that it was ‘God’s will’? How can I explain why God would take such a precious life from our world to hold in His arms in Heaven?” The man stopped speaking and looked down at his stack of papers. I could tell he was struggling. He cleared his throat and began again. “I don’t always have the words. I don’t always have the answers. I’ve been pastor and friend to the Hathaway family for many years now. I baptized little Virginia when she herself was a baby. I baptized baby Grace-Anna just weeks ago. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that God would call either of them home this soon. Rest assured, though, that they are both in His kingdom now, walking streets of gold and looking down over Jason: husband and father. And over big sister Angela. Virginia was a Godly woman. A devoted wife and a loving mother. She came to speak to me one day, before Grace-Anna was born. She told me that the greatest gift she’d ever been given wasn't that of her own life, but rather that of her children. She was a teacher and role model to so many in our community. When she held that sweet baby or looked at young Angela, her eyes lit up. Her heart soared.” He took another deep breath and I could tell he was fighting tears. “If someone needed help, she was always willing. Heaven is a brighter place with her and baby Grace-Anna. That I do believe. Mourning is for us still living. For those of us left behind. We cry for what we have lost. We should celebrate the lives they lived while here on earth, and we should celebrate the fact that they are staring at the face of God at this very moment. Yes, we should celebrate, but God gave us the ability to feel sadness and despair. In our grief, the best we can do is to try to remember what a blessing we were given in their brief lives; however short they were. And that one day, we will see them again. Family has asked to speak, so I’ll turn the podium over to Jason. After he speaks, we welcome first other family and then friends to speak if they wish. Jason?” The pastor looked to the man who was comforting the little girl.