This Time, Forever (16 page)

M
ARTINSVILLE TURNED OUT TO BE
one fine slice of hell. Ben had qualified well at sixth, but then had been taken out of serious contention. First, there had been a botched pit stop early in the race, but he might have been able to come back from that if fate hadn't messed with him, too.

The field had run under three caution flags for minor accidents, which meant he couldn't advance for any of those laps. But the final blow had been in lap 448. While they were under the third yellow flag, despite Ben's strongly worded suggestions, Chris hadn't let him pit for fresh tires, and those behind him in the field then did. Once the caution was lifted, Ben's competitors had blown away the No. 515 car with their superior grip on the track. Bottom line: a forty-first place finish stunk.

Ben was at his car stowing the last of his gear and preparing for the drive home when his crew chief approached.

“Talladega will be better,” Chris said.

“It couldn't get much worse,” Ben replied.

Sampson's face looked grim and shadowed under the parking lot's lighting. “I made some poor judgments today,” he said. “I won't do that next week.”

The problem was, Ben didn't even care about Talladega and that had always been one of his favorite race
venues—fast and fun. He closed his car's trunk with a firm hand.

“I don't want or expect an apology from you,” Ben said. “But just so we're clear on this, it's not the risk you took that was the poor judgment. It was not listening to me when I tried to tell you that was the time to pit. I have sixteen years of Sprint Cup Series experience. When I said I knew the guys behind me were going to pit, I was saying it because I know them. I know their patterns and I know how they race. You're smart, Chris, but this is a team sport, and whether it's with me or another driver, you're not going to find success until you grasp that.”

Sampson didn't say anything back, and in a way, that was progress, Ben supposed. But he just didn't care about Chris anymore, either. This evening's race had left Ben clean tapped out of give-a-damn.

“I have a two-hour drive in front of me,” he said.

“And tomorrow I'm going to…I don't know…go fishing or whatever the hell I feel like that doesn't involve work. I'll be back to the shop when I'm ready, so Chris, don't call me, I'll call you.”

And then Ben got in his car and began to drive. The question that remained was where he'd end up.

 

S
USIE DIDN'T BELIEVE
in divorce, but she was rethinking her position on murder. Yes, last night Ben had called to let her know that he was tired and stopping at a hotel to catch some sleep. No, he hadn't told her that he would not be attending the meeting with Adriana Sanchez this morning. And that was feeling very much like a capital offense to Susie.

She had tried reaching him at least a dozen times while she had sat alone in a conference room at Adriana's
office. She'd felt like a fool, both for not knowing where her husband was and for having assumed he would show up. In the end, she'd apologized to Adriana, canceled the meeting, gone home and had a good long cry. Once the tears had been tapped out, anger had settled in. And some good fantasies had arrived, too; Ben staked to the ground over a fire anthill with honey poured on him and a pack of grizzlies circling had been her favorite.

Now that it was nearly time to go pick up Matt and Cammie from school, Susie's anger had again cycled its way back toward worry. She was in the kitchen, phone in hand to call over to Double S, just in case he'd checked in there, when she heard the sound of the garage door rising.

The prodigal spouse had returned.

“I'm glad to see that you're okay,” Susie said from her spot at the kitchen table when Ben came into the house. Actually, he looked worn and weary, but whatever was bothering him right now would seem a trifle by the time she was through with him.

“Where have you been?” she asked.

“I needed some time to clear my head,” he replied as he set down the leather duffel bag she'd gotten him for his last birthday. He made no move to join her at the table, though.

“Apparently, the head-clearing worked since you totally forgot to show up at Adriana's office this morning. You can't have missed all of my messages.”

“I got them,” he admitted.

His words were a blow to her heart. Maybe she hadn't cried herself out, after all. But she'd be damned if she'd cry in front of him.

“I guess I'll give you credit for not making up some
broken cell phone excuse,” she said. “But in all the years we've known each other, you've never treated me with such total disrespect. How could you do that, Ben? How could you leave me sitting there, waiting for you, when you had no intention of showing up? You hurt me. Truly, deeply hurt me.”

He didn't answer immediately.

“I should have called you when I knew I wasn't going to make it there, I agree,” he eventually said. “And I'm sorry for that. But it's not that big of a deal. I wasn't critical to the discussion, and I had already told you that I support you.”

“Easy words when you don't back them up with the least effort,” she replied, unable to keep her pain from her voice. “What I got from you this morning had nothing to do with support. And for what it's worth, there were no discussions with Adriana. After sitting there and waiting for you like that, I was too upset and embarrassed to take up any more of her time.”

Susie pushed back her chair and stood. “Now I need to go get Cammie and Matt. For their sakes, see if you can find the gumption to show up at the dinner table tonight. And for your sake, I'd suggest sleeping on the bedroom sofa tonight. I am not feeling at all kindly toward you, Ben Edmonds.”

“That's fine. I'm not feeling too kindly toward myself.”

The part of her that had always and would always love Ben wanted to go to him and hug him. But that part was no longer in charge. Anthill-loving Susie was, and she'd damn well had enough.

 

L
ATE
O
CTOBER
in North Carolina could be chilly, but not as chilly as Ben's bedroom had been for the past two
nights. Very early Wednesday morning—before the sun had even risen—Ben sat in his small office in the garage area at Double S Racing. He couldn't bear the silence that hung thick and heavy in the air when he and Susie were in the same room, and yet he didn't know how to fix it. Hell, he didn't know how to fix much of anything. Counting this coming weekend, there were four races left in the NASCAR Sprint Cup season and quite possibly four races left in his driving career.

The sole bright spot—at least it would have been bright if Ben could have worked up the energy to care—was that Hometeam Insurance had decided to sponsor Ben's car for another year. The personal approach had worked with them, at least, if not Susie. She didn't want to hear sorry, she'd said. She wanted to hear all the other words that went around that sorry. But Ben didn't have those words to give…not without saying a whole lot of other stuff he didn't want to get into with her. And so his marriage was becoming a reflection of his career—one guy going nowhere, fast.

Ben's cell phone, which was sitting on his otherwise cleared desk, began the ringtone he'd programmed in for Susie's calls. It was a spicy Latin song, full of sass, just as she was. At least, just as she was when she wasn't so ticked at him that she refused to speak altogether. He answered the phone, mainly to hear what the first nonessential words she had chosen to give him in nearly two days might be.

After they'd exchanged stilted hellos, she said, “I'd like to take you to lunch today since you're leaving for Talladega this evening. Do you have the time?”

“Yes,” he replied. “Where should I meet you?”

“I'll be out running errands most of the day. I'll just pick you up at the garage around noon.”

“Sounds good,” he said, though
good
might have been an overstatement. And then he ended the call and got back to the business of going nowhere fast.

S
INCE MURDER
was out of the question, Susie had found herself a new felony and she liked it very, very much.

“You're smiling,” Ben commented from the passenger seat of the family SUV.

“I might be,” she replied.

“I've missed your smile.”

Not nearly as much as I've missed yours.

They had left the garage minutes before and now were in downtown Mooresville. Susie quickly glanced into the front window of the Cut 'N' Chat as they passed by. Rue, her bright red hair as distinctive as her personality, was working on a customer. Rue would be proud of what Susie was about to do. Actually, all the Tarts would be.

“Hey, you missed an open spot,” Ben said as they passed by Maudie's.

“An open spot for what?”

“To park. We're eating at Maudie's, right?”

“Not this time,” she replied. “I have something a little different in mind.”

“Okay,” he said. “But not sushi or something equally off my food list, right?”

“No sushi,” she agreed, still following the road out of town and into the countryside beyond. “We're having a
picnic, just like we used to back before we could afford to eat out.”

She slowed and made a right turn in to the county park that had been their personal playground back before Cammie and Matt had been born.

“I remember this place,” Ben said.

“You should,” Susie replied. “We used to come here about once a month.”

He nodded. “Our dinner date.”

The park was no big deal…just a stretch of lightly wooded land with a small pond at the far end. Few people used it, and that had been one of its charms. They had pretended that it was their private spot, back before they'd had land of their own. Susie had checked it out yesterday as her plan had been forming; the place was little changed in the years since she'd last been here. Susie parked in the five-space asphalt lot by the pond. They were the sole visitors, which was a blessing.

“Would you mind getting the picnic basket out of the cargo area?” Susie asked Ben once they'd exited the SUV.

“No problem,” he replied as he walked to the rear of the vehicle.

Heart slamming in her chest, Susie headed down the gentle, grassy incline to the pond.

“Uh, honey? Could you hit the Unlock button on the key fob?” Ben called.

“Sure,” Susie replied. She couldn't believe she was going to do this, but if she didn't, she had no one to blame but herself for her troubles with Ben. She took a deep breath and screwed up her courage. Three…

Two…

One…

Done.

 

B
EN HAD JUST PULLED OUT
the big wicker picnic hamper when he heard the jingle of keys followed by a splashing sound.

“Hey, was that a fish?” he called to Susie, not quite able to make sense of what he'd heard.

“It wasn't a fish,” she replied. “It was our keys.”

Ben set down the basket. He'd been driving long enough that the track noise had made his hearing admittedly less than perfect.

“What did you say?”

“I said it was our keys.”

Ben rounded the SUV to find Susie standing about five feet back from the pond's edge, looking calm and cool. Something still wasn't computing for him.

“You dropped the keys into the water? We'll probably need a new fob, but it's no big deal.”

“I didn't drop them, I threw them,” she said in a sugar sweet voice.

“You
what?
”

He ran down to the water, which even this late in the year was a rich algae-green. He could see no more than a few inches down. Not willing to give up on the keys, he edged even closer to the pond's margin, his shoes sinking in the wet earth.

“Don't ruin your shoes,” his obviously crazy wife replied. “The keys are way out there.”

He turned to stare at her, and she nodded in affirmation.

“I have a good arm,” she said. “It's all the cleaning
up after the kids, I think. And you wouldn't believe how much Cammie's tack trunk weighs.”

“Forget Cammie's tack trunk. Why the hell would you do this?” he asked as he stalked back up the hill, to where she'd retreated.

“To kidnap you, of course.”

Ben snorted. “Right. Of course.”

“I'm not joking. You're not leaving here until you've talked to me, and I mean
really
talked to me, about what's the matter with you.”

“What's the matter with me? What about
you?
Are you out of your mind?” He reached into his pocket for his cell phone and then scrolled through his contact list, trying to decide who would be the best person to come get him and also not spread the tale.

“Don't bother,” Susie said.

“What do you mean, don't bother? I'm not talking to you right now. You have clearly lost your grip on reality.”

“Oh, I'd say I'm still pretty sharp. Sharp enough that I called in your phone as lost a couple of hours ago and asked them to cut service to it. Go through that list until your finger is callused, but no one is going to be here to pick you up until I decide it's time.” She waggled her cell phone at him, then said, “I still have service,” as she tucked it into her jeans pocket.

Ben stalked back to the SUV and circled it while letting go of a few words that could melt paint.

“Feel better now?” Susie asked when he'd finally given up any idea of hot-wiring his own vehicle.

“Not by a long shot.”

“Then let's get through this. Why didn't you want to go see Adriana with me? What's the big problem with
taking a few hours out of your moody self-reflection to think about someone else? I know you're having career troubles, but it's not always about you. We're a family, Ben, and this time it was about me. All I wanted was for you to be there and be a part of what I'm doing. It's our savings and I know I have the right to take some—”

Something inside Ben snapped. A few minutes ago, he'd been able to see some small shimmer of humor in this situation. Now it was gone…as dried up as his money flow was going to be.

“There is no money to invest in your business,” he shouted. “How naive can you be, Susie? Do you have no idea how bad the markets have been? Hell, do you have any idea what it costs a month to keep this family's lifestyle afloat? There is no extra money. None! And you should have known this!”

It was almost an out-of-body experience. From someplace far away, he could see the angry man pacing back and forth. He could hear the words that just kept coming and coming, and it couldn't really be from him.

“Do you know what it's like to be me?” the angry man shouted. “Do you know how damn hard I work and how damn scared I am to see it all slipping away? No! You just take Cammie to ride that horse of hers that costs more to board and feed in a month than most families are lucky to see. You sign Matt up for more travel teams, plan more vacations, and all along, I'm drowning! You have no stinking idea how messed up my life is!”

And then from that place far away, Ben saw Susie. Pale, shocked Susie. The woman he'd sworn to love and cherish until he'd drawn his last breath, and instead he was frightening her. The fury burned out as quickly as it
had arrived, leaving Ben back in his body and cold ashes in his mouth. He turned away and wiped at the moisture in his eyes, then turned back to face the damage he'd done, and not just from today.

“Susie? Honey?”

She continued to gaze out over the water.

“I always loved this place,” she said.

He went to her and wrapped his arms around her. She stood unmoving and unwilling in his embrace. “I'm so,
so
sorry,” he said. “You're the one person I've always had to turn to, and instead I've been cutting you out.”

She relaxed into him a little, and he knew that all was not lost. Of course, how could it be with Susie? She gave more than any woman he'd ever known.

“I'm an idiot,” he said. “I just realized that I've been angry with you for not knowing things I've refused to discuss with you, and that's just flat out crazy.”

She settled the side of her face against his chest in just the spot she did when they used to slow dance like teenagers to the sound of their car radio at this very pond.

“As crazy as kidnapping you?” she asked.

“Crazier. Way crazier.” Ben made a little space between them and then with the backs of his fingers under her chin, gently urged her face up so that her gaze would meet his. “Let's go sit on the picnic table, okay?”

That had been their talking spot, back then.

“I didn't want to go to Adriana's because I knew you were going to hear things I'd been trying to protect you from. We're not starving, but we don't have the kind of cash that we did a few years ago, and that makes me feel like I've failed you. I figured I had enough years left as
a driver that between the market rebounding and my endorsement deals, I could bail us back out and you'd never have to know or worry.”

“I don't need protection, Ben. I'm pretty tough in my own way, and I'm pretty aware, too. I read the news, but honestly, you'd pretty much have to have been living in a cave these past few years not to know that everyone has taken a financial hit. I figured we weren't immune. If I need to borrow to expand my business, I will.”

“You don't have to,” Ben said. “I just had too much coming at me at the same time to react well. We have the money, and we'll use it for your business.”

“We can pare back, too. The kids and I know that the horse and the travel teams and all those other things we've fallen into doing are luxuries. No one is going to perish if they're gone. At the end of the day, what's important is each of us…all of us…together as a family.”

He reached over and settled one hand on hers, where they rested on her bent knees.

“I know. I just haven't been thinking too clearly. Things have become…complicated.” He drew a breath and then let it slowly ease out. “As long as we're getting everything into the open, you need to know there's a chance I could lose my ride with Double S. Not as big a chance as a week ago, before Hometeam agreed to be my major sponsor again next season, but still a chance. It's not as though I'm a consistent performer anymore,” he added in what he considered a colossal piece of understatement.

“How do you feel about that?” she asked.

He considered how he felt at this moment, since everything before this new clarity had settled on him was of no import.

“A little scared,” he said. “But also kind of at peace with the fact that sooner or later, this is going to happen. And I guess if it does happen, I might be a little relieved, too.”

“Relieved?” she echoed.

“Huh. Yeah, I guess so. I didn't know it until the word slipped out, but I'm tired of not having any fun. As the kids say these days, it has been one fun suck of a season.”

“No fun?” She gave him a mock stern look. “Ben Edmonds, what's the Edmonds family rule?”

“Have fun,” he automatically replied.

“That's right. Have fun. And if it's no longer fun, Ben, stop. Please. I promise we'll all be okay.”

Stop.
That was where the fear came in.

“If I stop, what will I do?”

“Whatever you want to,” Susie replied. “If you still want a job in the NASCAR world, you'll have one. You're smart and well-respected. Whether you work with a supplier or go into management, you know there's a home for you. So the question is, what do you want?”

“I guess I want to find the fun again, then go out on my terms.” He shook his head when another thought occurred. “It's kind of sad the way I've been riding Chris Sampson to talk to me, when I've been avoiding the same thing with you.”

“You know, it's possible he's scared, too,” Susie said.

“Take it from me, it's just as tough to step into a new venture as it is to step out of an old one. Put yourself in his shoes. This is his first season as a crew chief and he's been paired with a grizzled old veteran.”

Ben laughed. “Grizzled?”

She ran her hand along his jaw. “A little, but I like it.”

“Good thing,” he replied. “Because you're stuck with me.”

“And thankful for it.”

“I think you're right about Chris,” he said. “I think he's just been trying too hard to establish himself as part of the team.”

“I guess you should have talked to me sooner, eh?” she asked in a teasing voice.

“I guess I never should have stopped,” he said, then hauled her onto his lap. “And I never will again. And I won't stop doing this, either.” Ben let word follow deed and kissed his wife. “I hope you'll forgive me.”

She shifted in his lap as she reached into her pocket.

“I forgive you enough to give you…
these!
”

She waggled the keys to the SUV in front of them.

Ben tipped back his head and laughed.

“And so the splash I heard?” he asked when he was done.

“Just some old keys from the kitchen junk drawer,” she replied. “I might be crazy, but I'm not
that
crazy.”

But Ben was. He was crazy in love with his talented, aggravating and perfectly wonderful wife.