This Way to Paradise (16 page)

‘Sounds good to me,' I said. ‘Lead the way.'

‘Right. Let's make a plan for you to seduce Joe.'

‘Joe? No. I
told
you. He's soooo not interested, although I did see him watching when we came out of the meditation session. Like he was surprised to see me in there with those guys. No doubt he thinks it's all rubbish. He's just the type to make fun of something like that.'

‘Go and ask what he's doing tonight. And don't mention the meditation if you think that he's not interested.'

‘Can't tonight. Liam said he's going to do a picnic hamper for us to take down on to the beach here. To celebrate my first meditation session.'

‘First and last by the sound of it.'

‘He'll understand that it's not my thing. They're not into pressurising people. That was made clear from the beginning.'

‘So just chill out,' said Erin.‘Enjoy being where you are. Find the middle way and all that Zen stuff.'

‘You are very wise Obi-Wan Kenobi.'

‘I know. I am actually the chosen one, but don't let on to many people or I'll be mobbed whilst I'm stacking the shelves with tins of podded peas and that really won't be good timing. My boss makes all her workers wear these most unattractive hairnets and I want to be looking my best when I come out as the incarnation of goddessdom.'

Poor Erin,
I thought after I'd put the phone down.
There she is slaving away in her holiday job, and she never seriously complains
although it can't be much fun. And here's me, on an idyllic island in the sun and grouching about like Queen Grouch herself. From now on, I'm going to make the most of being here and stop being so self-obsessed.
Talking to her had made me feel so much better. She made everything sound so simple – that, even though the meditation wasn't for me, it wasn't any big deal. Somehow I'd managed to blow it all out of proportion. It didn't mean I was the saddo failure that I had thought I was.

A few hours later, I was sitting down on the beach with Liam. It was a lovely warm evening with a gentle breeze and we'd just eaten the most scrummy supper of red peppers, zucchini, herbs, cheese and gorgeous olives followed by tiny Greek sweets made with syrup and pistachios and one divine cake made with cinnamon.

‘My dad calls me Cinnamon Girl,' I said, licking honey and spices off my fingers.

He reached over and pushed a loose strand of hair behind my ear. ‘Because of your beautiful hair,' he said, and looked deeply into my eyes in a way that made me feel really uncomfortable. ‘It looks like burnished copper when the sun catches it.'

‘Er . . . yeah ... I guess . . .'

‘The name suits you.'

‘Er . . . thanks,' I said and I turned away from him to look out at sea.

There were a few other people from the centre at various
points along the beach, all of whom had brought their supper and were sitting, as Liam and I were, watching the sun go down over the horizon. Over supper, I had told him about my experience in the meditation session and I had done my best to make him laugh by doing all the voices in my head. Unlike Erin, he didn't appear to find it funny. He looked disappointed, like I'd let him down.

‘You mustn't give up,' he said.

‘But I am rubbish at it. I just couldn't concentrate.'

‘It was the same for me my first time.'

I was surprised. ‘Really?'

‘Yeah. It's the same for everyone. Because, most of our lives, our focus is turned outside – nobody pays much attention to what's going on inside. It's only when you attempt to find stillness by going within that you become aware of all the frantic stuff in there. Like Sensei said, you have to go beyond it.'

‘I
tried
to. I managed to focus for about four breaths and then I was off thinking about something. Nah. I just don't think that it's going to be my thing.'

Liam put his hand on my arm and looked at me with intensity.‘Your
first
time, India Jane. I wouldn't have taken you for a quitter.'

‘I . . . I'm not a quitter . . .' I began.

‘Sounds like you are to me. I mean, you wouldn't expect to master anything else in one session would you?'

He sounded like Dad. He would always go on about how, if
you were going to be good at anything, you had to practise – the way he did with his music. ‘I guess not.'

‘So. Give it another go.'

But it's boring,
I thought, but I didn't say that to him. Instead I shrugged. ‘Yeah. Maybe.'

‘Really, India Jane. Stick with it. You've been given the most precious gift. Don't throw it away because of the shadows in your mind. They're not real. Like the saying,
the greater the light, the greater the darkness around it.'

‘Um. Yeah,' I said, although I wasn't really sure what he was talking about.

‘Contrast. The greater the light, the greater the darkness. You are resisting because something inside of you recognises truth, recognises the light. It is the dark side in you that is resisting.'

‘The dark side in me?' I asked. An image of Erin and I doing our zombie act for a laugh flashed through my mind.

‘Yes,' said Liam. ‘We all have a light side and a dark side. The dark side gives into temptation, leads you astray. It is like the weaker, lesser part of you.'

If you say so,
I thought as I popped another little Greek cake into my mouth.

‘It's like this,' Liam continued, ‘the word meditation simply means concentration. Some people use a mantra like the word
Om
as a point of focus. Others use a candle or a flower. There are many other techniques that concentrate on the breath. I've tried loads of different types and this is really the best I've
found. Stay with it, India Jane. Don't quit. Don't give up on what may be the best thing that's ever happened to you.'

I was beginning to feel confused and uncomfortable. I hated it if Dad ever accused me of giving up too easily on anything, but then he was a fine one to talk. He might have staying power when it came to his art or his music but, in other areas of his life, he was the arch quitter – always moving his family around the world when he got restless some place. I felt a flash of anger. I didn't want to be like that. But was I being a quitter now? Taking the easy way out or what Liam called giving in to my dark side? I didn't like to think that I was, but maybe I
had
decided to ditch meditation too soon. In the days before the session, Sensei had spent hours talking about commitment. Maybe I should try it again? It had felt OK when I was talking to Erin about it. Like no big deal if I didn't follow it through, but then she hadn't sat through any of Sensei's talks and heard what he had to say. I decided to be totally honest with Liam.

‘I . . . oh, I don't know, Liam. I guess I'm feeling homesick and that's thrown me a bit. I really wanted to speak to my family, but . . . well, they were all busy. I felt like a failure.'

Liam nodded like he understood. ‘It can be hard when you go within for the first time because you encounter how you really are, you know? Like, when you're busy with external stuff it can be a distraction – it can take your mind off what's really bothering you, but go inside and it's all there waiting for you.'

‘I guess. All the voices. I hadn't realised how mad I am, nor
how much I was missing everyone,' I said. ‘At least, I
sort
of did, but didn't want to think about it, but anyhow . . . they weren't there for me when I needed them.'

Liam nodded again. ‘You can't rely on anything or anyone in this world. It's a harsh lesson. Meditating can help you feel more independent. More self-reliant. Like you don't need anyone.'

I wasn't sure if I totally liked the sound of that. I would always need Erin and my family, even if they were all preoccupied at the moment.‘I'll think about it,' I replied.‘As you said, it was my first session. Early days. Maybe I'll give it another shot.'

‘Great,' said Liam and he visibly relaxed.‘I knew you wouldn't give up. I could tell that about you and . . . well . . .' He hesitated for a few moments and looked out at the ocean, before turning back to me and staring deeply into my eyes again. ‘I hope you don't mind me getting personal but I thought there was something special about you the first time I saw you. Special about
us.
A connection. Did you feel it?'

Not really,
I thought as a wave of panic rose in me. I quickly checked that there were still other people on the beach. I so didn't want a repeat of the Robin experience.

‘Er . . . I feel like we understand each other,' I said.

Liam nodded, then laughed lightly. ‘We do. Hey, India, you can relax. I'm not going to pounce on you.'

I felt embarrassed. He must have seen me check around and the look on my face, even though I'd tried to hide it. ‘I . . .' I began to bluster.

Liam looked away, up at the sky. ‘I feel like we connect on a higher level, you know?'

‘Oh yeah.'
Higher level I can do,
I thought and gave him what I hoped was an enigmatic smile.
Just don't try and snog me.

‘I was even thinking, like, maybe we knew each other in a past life.'

A past life?
I thought.
Wow, this guy is so intense although . . . nobody's ever said anything like that to me before. It's actually quite romantic in a way . . . although I still don't fancy him.

‘Yeah, cool,' I said, but it felt awkward and I wondered if Liam had been about to say more but changed his mind when he saw how freaked out I looked. We both stared out to sea. I didn't know what else to say, so I got up.

‘OK, Sensei's always on about being in the here and now so in
this
life not a past life, I think you're right. I ought to give this meditation another go, in fact, I'm going to go up to my room this very moment to give it another try. No time like the present, hey?'

A flicker of disappointment crossed Liam's face but then he nodded.‘Of course. Good idea. I'll walk up with you.'

Phew,
I thought as we packed up and set off back up the slope. I felt slightly bad that I had used the meditation as an excuse to get away from him, but it felt uncomfortable sitting with him and he kept giving me long deep looks which I wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond to. If he wasn't going to pounce, why was he looking at me like that?

When we got up to the bungalows, Liam and I decided to go and get some mint tea before doing our meditation. Clare Taylor was at the dining area at the end of the long table with Joe and Rosie. She saw Liam and me and waved us over.

‘And here's another of the new recruits,' she said, indicating for us to sit with them.

I braced myself ready for some banter from Joe and couldn't help thinking that he'd have laughed along with me when I told him about the ‘voices in my head'.

‘I'll go and get tea,' said Liam as I slid into the bench next to Clare.

‘Had a good day, then?' asked Joe.

I nodded. ‘Yeah. In the main.'

‘Cool,' said Joe. ‘I hear good things about this Sensei guy. A friend of my sister's did his meditation and it really helped her. She was, like, major weirded out by public transport, couldn't go on a plane or a tube without having a panic attack. She went and learned this method Sensei teaches and it helped her through. She's totally cool about travelling now.'

‘Really?'
I was surprised at Joe. Somehow I had thought he would mock it like Kate had but he seemed to be endorsing it. And I hadn't thought about using the meditation as a way to get through stressful times.
If I could get it to work, maybe it would be useful, like at exam times,
I thought. I could get major stressed at times like that and had been known to bite my fingernails down to almost nothing.

‘Clare here was telling us that she had a wonderful session,' said Rosie.

‘Oh I did,' beamed Clare. ‘It's hard to describe but I felt so peaceful. It took a while, mind you. At first I was aware of all sorts of rubbish inside my head but I just kept bringing my focus back the way that Sensei said and, after a while, it was like my thoughts faded into the background, became distant and I felt myself growing still and then, oh, it was the most marvellous feeling.'

‘How did you get on, India Jane?' asked Joe.

I glanced over to see where Liam was and he was still busy organising our teas.‘Oh yeah,' I said. ‘It was good. Yeah, good.'

I didn't want to publicly admit what a failure I had been and that I had been thinking of giving up. Talking to Liam had made me rethink the plan. I didn't want anyone thinking I was a quitter and listening to what Joe and Clare had said made me think that maybe I
was
giving up too easily. Plus I had another reason to hold back. I was sure that I had already given Joe enough reasons to think that I was a total airhead. I didn't want to give him any more.