Thoughtless (45 page)

Kellan was sitting on the edge of his bed. His head was down, his eyes were closed, he was biting his bottom lip and his hand was clutching the sheets. My mind resisted, but the rest of the picture snapped painfully into focus. A woman with loose blonde curls was kneeling on the floor in front of him, her head in his lap. Looking at the picture as a whole, there was no mistaking what she was doing.

Wholly absorbed in what they were clearly enjoying, I don’t think they were even aware of me standing at the partially open door. I felt ill. I wanted more than anything to run as far away as I could, before I lost my stomach right here. I couldn’t move though, I couldn’t stop staring in horror.

The woman must have finally felt another presence in the room. She started to raise herself off of him. Kellan was not so aware, either that, or he didn’t care. His lips parted - his breath noticeably faster, and cringing slightly, he moved his hand automatically to firmly hold her in place.

The woman went nuts, she immensely enjoyed that. I however, felt the acid in my stomach starting to rise.

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Finally able to move, I ran from the room and down the stairs. Only thinking of escape, my fight or flight response in full alert, I hastily grabbed Kellan’s car keys from where he had tossed them on the entryway table. I slammed the front door shut behind me – if he hadn’t been aware I was home before, he was now!

I flipped through the keys as I rushed to his car, and stopped on the one for the ignition. He never locked his…baby, so I opened the door and slipped inside, immediately starting it. A perverse thrill went through me as the car growled to life, knowing that he would hear it, and instantly recognize what I had done. I watched the door for half a second, but he didn’t rush out. I threw it in reverse and peeled out in my haste to get away from him. Watching the house through the rearview mirror, the front door never opened. Perhaps he was too busy enjoying his “date” to care about his car.

I broke a half-dozen traffic laws getting to work on time, but I did. I smiled when I parked the car in the lot at Pete’s. It was really fun to drive, and I loved the thrill that Kellan was going to be so angry about his precious car being gone. Good. I shouldn’t be the only one angry in the house. Grinning wickedly, I turned his radio to a station that was playing what sounded like polka music and cranked the volume before I shut the car off. It was a childish prank, I know, but it made me feel better, and I was grinning ear to ear as I walked through the parking lot.

“Hey, you’re peppy tonight,” Jenny exclaimed as I bounced through the front door, still a little high from my carjacking.

“Yeah? No particular reason…” I grinned at her as I shoved his keys into my front jeans pocket.

Throughout my shift though, my joyride-high faded, and sadness from the scene I had unintentionally witnessed took over. It was one thing to hear one of Kellan’s dates, it was quite another to see one. I was feeling pretty melancholy when the doors to Pete’s angrily burst open, about an hour later.

I cringed and looked over to the door. Kellan was striding through, looking decidedly more put together than I had last seen him. He also looked decidedly pissed off. His fiery blue eyes locked onto mine
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instantly. Matt came in closely behind him and attempted to place a hand on his shoulder. Kellan snapped his head around to him, pulling back his body, and said something heated. Matt immediately dropped his hand and held them up in the air, apparently backing off.

My heart started racing and panicking, I backed up a couple steps.

Taking his car was not a good idea. What was I thinking? Should I just toss him the keys and make a run for it? Irritation flashed through me and I took a deep breath. No! He would never physically hurt me. If the jerk wants his keys…let him come over and get them.

He strode over to my location. The people between us quickly scooted out of his way at the look on his face. His blazing eyes narrowed in anger, his lips compressed into a thin line, his hands clenched into fists, his chest noticeably rising and falling – he was strikingly attractive angry.

He walked right up to me and simply held his hand out.

Expecting a more flagrant reaction, I snottily said, “What?”

“Keys,” he seethed.

“What keys?” I wasn’t sure why I was goading him. Maybe the sight I had witnessed had finally unhinged me?

He took a deep calming breath. “Kiera…my car is right over there.” He pointed to where it was in the lot outside. “I heard you take it-”

“If you heard me take it, why didn’t you try to stop me?” I quipped.

“I was-”

I pushed a finger into his chest roughly, cutting him off. “You were,” I raised my fingers into air quotation marks, “on a date.” His face noticeably paled. Apparently, he hadn’t realized I had seen that. Scowling, his color returned. “So? That gives you the right to steal my car?”

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He was right, of course, not that I would ever admit that to him. “I borrowed. Friends borrow, right?” I asked haughtily.

He took another deep breath and then shoved his hand into my front jeans pocket.

“Hey!” I tried to beat him away, but he already had them.

Holding them up in front of me, he seethed, “We’re not friends, Kiera.

We never were.” Then he turned and stalked out of the bar.

My face heated at his hurtful words and turning, I fled to the hallway, then to the safety of the bathroom. I collapsed against the wall, breathing heavily through my mouth, trying not to cry. I felt pale, I felt faint. My heart felt torn to pieces.

The sound of the door opening entered my awareness, as I sat there inhaling and exhaling forcibly.

“Kiera…?” Jenny’s soft voice asked. I couldn’t answer her. I could only stare up at her blankly. She walked and knelt down beside me. “What was that about…you okay?”

I shook my head weakly. Then I started to sob, wracking, tortured sobs. She immediately sat by my side, gently putting her arm around my shoulders. “Kiera, what’s wrong?”

In-between sobs, I managed to choke out, “I made a horrible mistake…”

She stroked my hair and pulled me tight. “What is it?” Suddenly, I didn’t just want to tell her about taking the car…I wanted to tell her everything. I choked up, how could I tell her? She would hate me, she wouldn’t understand…

She looked over at me. “You can tell me, Kiera. I won’t say anything to Denny, if you don’t want him to know.”

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My sobs eased as I blinked at her in surprise, did she already know? It came out before I could stop it, “I slept with Kellan.” I held my breath, shocked at myself.

She sighed. “I was afraid of that.” She hugged me with both arms. “It will be okay. Tell me what happened.”

I was so shocked, I could only ask, “You knew?” She leaned back against the wall, putting her hand on her lap. “I suspected.” She stared at her hand quietly for a second, twirling a ring on her finger. “I’ve seen things, Kiera. Looks you would give him, when you thought no one was watching. Smiles he would give you. I’ve seen him touch you in discreet ways, like he didn’t want anyone to notice.

I’ve seen your face when he sings. Your reaction to him at his party…

I’ve wondered for awhile.”

I closed my eyes. She really had seen way too much. Had anyone else?

Quietly she asked, “When did it happen?”

The sobs started again and finally through my sobs, I opened up to her, and told her everything. It was such a relief to finally talk about it with someone. She listened in silence, occasionally nodding, smiling, or looking sympathetic. I told her about the first innocent touches. Our drunken first time while Denny was gone. His coldness afterwards. My panicked reaction to him almost leaving, which led to our second time.

Our not-so-innocent flirtations. The club, although, I left out what I did to Denny, and what Kellan did with my sister – I just couldn’t talk about that yet. The fight in the car, which made her gasp and say, “He said what!” My jealousy over his women…the last one that was still burning through my mind. His last hurtful comment…

Jenny drew me tight to her, both arms around me. “God, Kiera…I’m so sorry. I knew he was like that with women. Maybe I should have warned you earlier? He’s just
that
kind of guy.” I sagged against her, tired from the emotional night, and she held me until my sniffles stopped. “What are you going to do now?” she asked quietly, pulling away.

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“Besides kill him?” I wasn’t sure if I was joking or not. “I don’t know…what can I do? I love Denny. I don’t want him to ever know, I don’t want to hurt him. But Kellan…I can’t stand the women, it kills me.

I feel-”

“Do you love Kellan?” she asked quietly.

“No,” I said immediately.

“Are you sure, Kiera? If you weren’t angry, what would your answer be?” I didn’t answer her. I couldn’t, I wasn’t sure. Sometimes I felt…something for him.

Without warning, the bathroom door swung open. Kate stood in the doorway, looking down at us on the floor. “Oh, hey…there you are. It’s getting crazy out there. Are you guys coming back…please?” Jenny piped up. “Yeah, we’re coming. Just give us another couple minutes.”

Kate gave me a sympathetic look, as a few tears escaped my eyes and I hurriedly wiped them away. “Oh, okay…no problem.” She smiled sweetly at me, then left the room.

“Thank you, Jenny.” I looked over at her, grateful for her listening to me without judging me.

More tears dropped on my cheeks and she wiped them away. “It will be okay, Kiera. Have faith.”

I was pretty quiet for the rest of my shift, and absorbed myself in helping to solve my customer’s simple problems. That helped. By closing time, I at least no longer felt like sobbing. I also didn’t feel like going home. I didn’t know if Kellan had had enough…dating, for one day.

Who knows, maybe he ran out of milk and went to the store, only to pick up another hussy there. I was pretty sure that for people who looked like him, those kinds of things were stocked items, tucked right in-between the deli meats and the day old bread rack. Yes, I’ll take a pound of ham, and the busty brunette.

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I sighed and approached the bar, where Kate and Jenny were talking to Rita. Pete had ducked out early. He usually was the very last one to leave, probably hours after the rest of us, but tonight, he’d grabbed his coat right at closing and told Rita to lock up. She was taking advantage of his absence by pouring drinks for us girls. She sat a shot of something dark in front of me as I came over to stand beside Jenny. I sighed again.

At least it wasn’t tequila.

“Okay ladies,” she said holding her glass high, “one for the road.” We all raised ours, clinking them together and then downed them quickly.

Kate and Jenny giggled as I made a horrid face. Whatever it had been, burned. Rita made no face at all and began pouring us all another.

“Okay, one more.”

Kate and Jenny made a face at each other, but let her pour one more. I didn’t care, I wasn’t driving, and it had been one heck of a long day. I glanced over at Jenny who smiled reassuringly, her pale blue eyes sparkling warmly at me. She truly was the nicest person. She offered me a ride home every night, and even though I felt bad about accepting, she wouldn’t take no for an answer if I had no one else to take me. She insisted that she drove past my street anyway, so it really was no big deal.

That made me feel a little better about the whole thing.

Rita finished pouring everyone’s second shot and looked at each of us with a sneaky half-grin. “If you had one night…with any man…no strings attached, no complications…who would it be?” She looked at me pointedly. “And you can’t pick your own boyfriend.” She looked at each of us while Kate and Jenny started giggling again.

Thinking of my answer, even though I really didn’t want to, I started blushing. Rita sighed. “Okay, well it’s an easy one for me…Kellan.” She sighed dreamily while I paled. “God, I’d do that boy again in a heartbeat…”

Kate giggled and then gave me an odd look. I wondered for a split-second if she suspected what Jenny had suspected, and paled even more.

She daintily shook her head and shrugged. “Kellan…definitely.”
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She and Rita shared a knowing glance and turned to stare at me, waiting for my answer. My throat went dry and I felt ill. I tried to think of someone else, anyone else…someone innocuous, but my mind went completely blank, and only one name was shouting through my head.

And it was the one name I dared not utter…not here.

Jenny popped up beside me. “Denny,” she said cheerily.

Kate and Rita both turned to stare at her, then at me, and then back to her, like she had just committed the act she had spoken of. I could have kissed her. With one simple word, she had shifted all of the focus off of me and my stupid answer, which, was of course also Kellan. They were still staring at her in disbelief, well, Kate’s look was disbelief, Rita looked more amused and possibly impressed, while I forced a fake frown.

“Cheers,” Jenny said in her still bubbly voice and we all did our second shot, everyone forgetting that I never actually answered Rita’s stupid question. “Ready to go, Kiera,” she asked calmly.

“Yeah,” I said in a displeased voice, even though I wanted to hug her.

Rita laughed, while Kate gave me a quick consolatory hug. Out the door and out of earshot, I thanked Jenny profusely.

I came downstairs a few heartbeats before Denny the next morning.

Our house had been quiet last night, apparently once a day
was
enough for Kellan. Well, at least he had his limits. The quiet hadn’t helped the hurt in my heart though. I frowned when I saw him sitting at the table with an elbow propped on it and his fingers tangled in his hair. He was staring at the table, looking deep in thought. He glanced over at me when he noticed my entrance, and opened his mouth like he was going to say something. He immediately shut his mouth when Denny followed me a few seconds later.

His latest hurtful comment stung my brain and, feeling a little snotty, I turned to face Denny. “I know you’re dressed already…” I ran a hand down his dress shirt and rested my fingers on his belt, “but, do you want to run up and take a shower?” I angled my face so that Kellan could see me raise my eyebrows suggestively and bite my lip.