Three Days of Rain (16 page)

CHAPTER 22

When Lily pulled into Jake’s driveway, she had resolved to revisit her thoughts tomorrow. She needed a break from all the thinking. She didn’t want to be the downer to Jake’s celebration. And she needed to forget herself for tonight.

Walking into Jake’s house, she stepped out of her shoes and placed her camera on the table. She could hear him singing in the shower as she tiptoed down the hallway. Carefully nudging the door open, she entered the steamy bathroom and listened. It wasn’t a song she was familiar with. She wondered if it was the one Jake had been secretly writing over the past few weeks. Whatever it was, it was beautiful, heartfelt, and perfect.

Pulling her tank over her head and slipping off of her shorts, she pulled back the shower curtain just enough to step inside. He was so lost in whatever song he was singing, he didn’t notice her until she softly kissed his chest.

“What the—Hey, you.”

Wrapping her arms around his neck, Lily playfully licked his shoulder. “Hey, yourself.”

“I wasn’t expecting you for another hour.”

“I know. I just needed to see you.”

Massaging soap onto her back, he knew exactly what she was feeling. He’d just been thinking the same thing.

“What was that song you were just singing? Shampoo, please.”

He reached up, grabbed the shampoo off the shelf, and handed it to her. “Oh, just something I’ve been working on. It’s almost ready.”

She dropped her hands to her sides as he took over washing her hair. This is what she needed most. She needed to wash away all the fear and indecision of the day and just be. With Jake, she’d always been able to be herself and that’s how she wanted it to stay.

While she rinsed the shampoo from her hair, she felt his hands on her as he washed her body. With tiny movements and soft touches, he filled her stomach with anticipation. His hands moved down her arms to her stomach. She drew in a sharp breath as he massaged her, bringing her to the edge. He guided her to the wall of the shower lifting her leg to his waist. Holding onto him, she closed her eyes as he entered and filled her with promise and love. Breath heavy, she buried her face in his neck and her nails in his back. This time, it was her turn to clear her mind of what plagued her as he brought her to the top of the mountain and she leapt off the edge.

CHAPTER 23

On Saturday, Jake wanted to take a drive. He decided it was time to give Lily the last piece of the puzzle, and he didn’t have much time before she left for Atlanta. They hadn’t talked much about her leaving. She seemed to be acting a little funny the past few days, and he figured if he finally cleared the air, she’d know exactly how much she was saving him.

“Where are we going?”

“I need to tell you the last of it. I need to finish the story about Madison and the baby.”

Anxiety twisted in her gut. She couldn’t figure how to tell him what was going on with her and this certainly wasn’t the day to do it. She had no idea where they were going, but she knew he was going to talk about his son. Her issues could wait.

They drove in silence. She could tell Jake was running things over in his head. For the time being, she was content with taking in the morning. The sun was shining and the pavement was still wet with rain from the night before. Humidity had not yet taken over and Lily rolled down the window to breathe in the salty air. She closed her eyes and allowed her mind to empty of everything that weighed heavily on it. It wasn’t until she heard the crunch of gravel that she dared open them. When she realized Jake had pulled into the cemetery, her eyes immediately filled with tears and her hand flew to his.

“Jake?”

“It’s okay, Lily. It’s been a long time coming. I need to get this off my chest. I need you to help me.”

He reached into the bed of his truck and produced a simple bouquet of yellow daisies. He held her hand as they walked through the gravestones, to the last row. All the way at the end was a small cross. Jake walked towards it, knelt down, and placed the flowers across the base of the cross.

As he traced the inscription with his fingers, he began to speak. “We named him Joseph Paul Morgan, after Joe DiMaggio. Silly, I know, to name your kid after a baseball player, but I loved the idea and Maddie was okay with it. Of all the things she fought me over, you’d think she’d fight me over the name of our kid, right? But no, Joseph Paul was his name and I was so freaking happy.”

With a sad smile, he remembered. He was quiet and Lily didn’t interrupt. She figured if he was going to get it all out, he didn’t need her prodding questions. She was sure they’d be answered, anyway, so she sat in the grass next to him with her hand in his and her eyes on the gravestone.

“I told you we almost lost him once. That’s when I found out we were having a boy. I should’ve seen it in her face. I knew her better than anyone, but I just figured that she’d come around. She had that depression women get when they find out they’re pregnant. I just attributed everything to that.

“Sure, she was happy most of the time but there were other times I swear she resented him growing inside her. Then I asked her to marry me. I figured, ‘Hey, we were having a baby, we should get married.’ You know? God, I knew we were no good for each other but maybe that would make everything all better.”

Lily squeezed his hand in encouragement. Jake turned to her and smiled slightly before sadness took over again.

“We got married real quick. We both thought a baby should have parents that were married. So we did it in front of Judge Collins. She was eight months along. Everything was going great. She seemed so happy. I was over the moon. The nursery was ready. And then she went into labor. It’s not like he was that early but he still ended up in the NICU. Something about his lung development ’cause she, you know, used when she was pregnant and all.

“Madison had to come home before he did. What’s weird is she never went to visit him in the hospital. I went every day, sometimes I slept there but she never did. It bothered me but I figured she was still dealing with post-partum depression or whatever they call it. I tried getting her there but she always had an excuse. I shoulda known then she wouldn’t be good for either of us.”

Lily needed to reassure him. “Jake, you couldn’t have known.”

“Yeah? You weren’t there. I definitely should have.”

He dropped his head and plucked blades of grass, mentally forcing himself to get through this. Just because most of the people around him knew what happened, didn’t mean
he’d
ever confronted it. Now he finally felt like he had the strength to get through it. If he couldn’t do it now, he knew he’d never be able to.

“So anyway, it was a week or two before I could even hold him. When I finally did, his fingers were so small and his feet were so tiny. He was just so small...” Jake trailed off, remembering. “I could swear he smiled at me even though I knew he couldn’t yet. I’ll tell you, I never felt anything like that in my life. It was like, all of a sudden, I had a purpose. If I did nothing else in life, I was going to take care of that little boy. God help me. I was going to do everything I could to make his life amazing because he’d already made mine perfect.”

Tears fell from Jake’s eyes onto the ground and, with fists clenched, he fought to retain his composure.

“And then the doctor’s said he could come home. We were told in the afternoon that he could come home the following day. For some reason, I called Billy and asked if I could come in and sing. I wanted to share with everyone that my boy was coming home. I had written a song for him and played it that night. It wasn’t the first song I wrote, but it had the most meaning. I only played it that once but I hear it every day of my life. You’d think I’d hate the sound of it but with Madison haunting me, that lullaby is the only light I see in the darkness.

“The next day, I took off from work and Maddie and I went to get him. But when we got to the hospital, something was wrong.”

Jake’s face crumbled and his tears were no longer silent. Lily pulled him to her, put his head on her shoulder, and waited for him to find a way to continue.

“They were in his room and there were machines beeping and nurses and doctors running all over the place. We weren’t allowed in the room.”

“Shh. It’s okay, Jake. It wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was! Don’t you see? I should have been there that night instead of singing a stupid song at Bill’s. If I had, then maybe he’d still be here today.”

“What happened?”

“Something with his lungs. The doctor’s thought he’d be all right. He was off oxygen for a week and they said he was well enough to come home. I’d even fed him bottles and changed his diapers and slept in a room next to him. He was
fine
. They said he was fine.”

Lily placed her hand on her stomach and flinched.

“It’s okay, Jake. It’s okay.” She didn’t know what else to say. There were no words for the pain she felt for him. She let his head fall to her lap and cried with him.

Jake couldn’t contain himself. Tears that he hadn’t let himself cry in two years fell to the ground. And for the first time in a long time, he allowed himself to remember...

***

“What’s wrong? What’s happening?”

Jake let go of Madison’s hand and ran into his baby’s room. Nurses and doctors were rushing around screaming orders and codes, hovering over his tiny little boy.

“Somebody talk to me!” Panic stole Jake’s heart.

Peggy, one of the nurses, noticed Jake standing in the middle of the chaos and directed him out of the room. She pulled up a chair and sat him down. The look of terror on his face did nothing to ease her tired mind.

“Jake. Look at me.”

His eyes were wide and looked everywhere but at her. She saw Madison standing feet away from the door, staring at the room. Peggy walked over, put her arm around Madison, and steered her towards Jake.

“I need you both to listen to me. Joseph is having a hard time breathing on his own right now. His heart and his lungs aren’t as strong as we thought. We thought he was out of the woods, he’s been responding so well. Then a few minutes ago, his heart started racing and he was having trouble breathing. That’s why all those people are in his room right now. They are doing all they can to help him. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Madison looked as though she was going to throw up, and Jake stared straight ahead, barely blinking away the tears that slipped down his face.

When Madison tried to speak, nothing came out. Her hands were shaky from both fear and withdrawal. Jake’s mouth hung slack, he didn’t dare try to vocalize what he was thinking. The sounds of the frenzy in the room were almost too much for him to handle.

Peggy placed her hands over theirs. “I’m going to go and see how it’s going. I will be right back to let you know.”

When Jake nodded, she felt sure that they’d heard and understood her. She just hoped it wouldn’t be bad news she came back with.

Over the next few hours, Peggy returned with a few, grim updates. Neither Madison nor Jake ever made a move that night to comfort each other, she noticed. Jake had come and slept at the hospital every night, except last night. Madison hadn’t been to visit her child for more than an hour or two each of the handful of times she’d made it to the hospital. Madison was hollow, whereas Jake was being wrenched from the inside out.

When she came out the last time, Peggy saw that Jake had fallen asleep in the chair and beside him sat his brother and father. She was glad she was able to get a hold of them. Jake needed someone right now.

Madison was sitting at the other end of the hallway, face ashen and hands shaking. Peggy brought her a glass of water.

“Madison, drink this.”

“I don’t want it.”

“You need to drink something. You look dehydrated.”

Madison took the glass and drank it down in a gulp.

“Do you want to know how your baby is?”

“Is he dead?”

Surprised, Peggy had to compose herself quickly. “No. He isn’t dead but he isn’t doing well. I was thinking you might want to go over and sit with Jake. I think the doctor is going to come out to speak with the two of you shortly.”

“I can’t do this.”

“Do what?”

“Forget it.”

“No, Madison. I’m here. What do you need?”

“Nothing. I’m fine. I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll go sit with Jake soon.”

Madison stood and rushed to the bathroom. Peggy dropped her head to her hands but was jolted by a hand on her shoulder.

“Jake? I thought you were asleep.”

“I wasn’t. I just closed my eyes for a few minutes. I heard you talking to Madison.”

“Is she alright, Jake?”

“I don’t think so, Peg.”

With that, he walked back to his seat and waited. His father and brother sat beside him, hands wringing, with ashen faces of sadness. It wasn’t long after until the doctor stepped into the hallway, pulled up a chair right in front of Jake, and looked down to the floor. “Where is Madison?”

“She went to the bathroom. She should be back soon.”

“Peggy,” the doctor motioned for her to join them. “Please, we need Madison here. Could you go get her?”

Jake stood. “No. I’ll go.”

Shoving his hands into his pockets to keep them from shaking, Jake walked down the hall to the ladies room. Knocking garnered no response so he walked in. But Madison wasn’t there. No one was there. Walking over to the sink, he stared at himself in the mirror and forced himself not to cry. He knew she was gone, even before he saw the envelope lying on the shelf.

Dear Jake,

I truly am sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. You deserve more than I can give you. And in light of what’s happened with little Joey, I don’t think I’d be good for either of you.

There should be a bond between me and Joey but there isn’t, as hard as I have tried. But there is one between the two of you and, truth be told, I’m terribly jealous of that.

I’ve realized I am way too selfish to be a mother. Too wrapped up in my own head to be a good wife. So I figured the right thing to do is leave you both. I‘m just not cut out for any of this. I hope one day, the two of you will forgive me.