Through the Glass (3 page)

“Good morning, Mum.” Felicity yawned and stretched. Her eyes were red and puffy, her face drawn and pale.

“Are you feeling better, dear? I heard you crying quite late into the night.” Penelope knew that her daughter was far from feeling better. She was broken hearted from the events of the weekend. Penelope had assured her that it was sure that this was for the best. After all, James just didn’t fit in with her lifestyle. He hated her friends, knew nothing about art, apart from the knowledge she had imparted, and he had no ambition. None. Not a jot. He was just happy to write stories and read old dusty books. He had graduated with a First from Oxford. The world was his oyster, but it was almost as if he had done it all just to prove to himself that he could. After that he was done trying, done achieving.

He had always said that when they had children he would be more than happy to be a stay-home dad so that Flick could continue on in her career. Initially, she had thought it very supportive and sweet, but then the more she thought about it—and the more her mother went on about it—the more she decided that it was just laziness. Penelope had talked about nannies and the fact that they would
obviously
have one. What would be the point of him staying home? Just so he could watch TV or tippy tap on his wretched old typewriter?

“I’m not great, Mum, to be honest. I feel drained. Completely drained.” She rested her chin on her hand as her mother poured her some fresh coffee.

“There’s no wonder, darling. You should maybe call in sick today, dear. Catch up on rest?” her Mother suggested.

“No, I can’t. We’re meeting with the Tate this morning. It’s a really big deal, Mum. They want me to go out to New York to see some potential pieces for the gallery. Nilsson- Perkins recommended me as the best dealer to go. If I call in sick, I’ll look like a flake.”

“Perhaps Rory will take you out tonight to cheer you up?” Penelope adored Felicity’s lawyer friend, deeming him a much more suitable mate for her daughter. Felicity rolled her eyes and didn’t answer. Her dad walked into the large kitchen where the two women were sitting, and Felicity was grateful that the discussion was over before it started.

“Good morning, Poppet.” He kissed his daughter’s head affectionately. “How are you bearing up?” He gave her a knowing look. She burst into tears. “Oh, Poppet, don’t cry. You can always go back to him. You know he would take you back in a flash. Tell him you’ve made a terrible mistake.” Her Father took her hand and stroked her hair.

“Oh, don’t be so ridiculous, Edgar!” Penelope chimed in. “What on
earth
would she do a silly thing like that for?” She stood to leave the room. The two were clearly at loggerheads over the situation.

“Because she clearly still loves him, Penny, that’s why!” His frustration with his wife’s cold demeanour was evident. “Can’t you see what you’ve done?” he continued. “You’ve put all these silly ideas in her head and she’s started to believe you! She adores Jim.” He squeezed his daughter’s hand as she sobbed. She sat upright and pulled herself together.

“No, no, Daddy, Mummy is right. James is just not the right man for me. I need to get over him. I need to focus on work. In fact, I am going in today.” Her father opened his mouth to protest but she held her hand up to stop him. “It’s over two hours away and so I need to go get ready. I’ll let them know I’ll be late. I’m sure they’ll understand given the circumstances.” She sighed. “I think perhaps staying with Polly will be better for me too if I’m honest.” She smiled sadly. “Not that I don’t appreciate you having me home…it’s just…not as far to travel…and I need to work.” She looked to her father and then to her mother. Neither spoke. Their conflicting opinions on the matter momentarily silenced. She rubbed her hands over her face to rid herself of the tears, donned a fake smile, stood, and left the room. As she walked down the hallway she paused as she heard her father speaking.

“I hope you’re satisfied with the mess you have caused, Penny. You’ve meddled once too often in their relationship. I honestly don’t understand why you couldn’t just let her be happy and be in love. I can’t support you in this. Frankly, I think it’s unforgiveable.” Penelope gasped at her husband’s harsh words and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving Edgar to sit in silent torment over his daughter’s heartbreak.

Felicity felt awash with emotion. She hated the thought of her parents fighting over this and turned to walk back toward them. Hearing footsteps, however, she decided she couldn’t face the confrontation and dashed toward the stairs.

Chapter 2

January 2010 – Eleven Months After the Break-up

“I just don’t get it, Jim. It’s breaking my heart to see this happening to the two of you.” Edgar rubbed his forehead and shook his head. The decision his daughter had made to leave the love of her life eleven months ago still dumbfounded him.

Jim had managed to visit his old friend and father-in-law one last time prior to making his journey north. Edgar was saddened that this may be the last time in a long while.

“I know, Ed, but we’ve tried to work through it. Comes a point you can’t try any more. You just have to admit defeat.” Jim tried his best to smile but struggled under the weight of emotion in the air.

“She’s a silly,
silly
girl. She’ll regret this. I know her, Jim. She will. One day when you’ve moved on and met someone new, she will realise what she had.” Edgar patted Jim’s arm affectionately.

He looked down at his hands, unable to respond. How could he? What could he possibly say? After a long, thoughtful pause he spoke. “I didn’t want any of this, Ed. I honestly don’t know what I did wrong. I supported her. I was there for her. We were saving for a house, you know. I reckon we could have afforded one. I was willing to put all my inheritance into one. She just wouldn’t commit. I really thought we both wanted the same things. I think we did at first.”

“I know, son. I remember how excited she was when you got engaged. She lit up when she looked at you. I wish she could think for herself and not listen to…” Edgar’s words trailed off as if he felt he had said too much.

“Listen to whom, Ed?”

“Oh, nothing. Don’t take notice of me… I was looking forward to grand kiddies.” Ed’s lips quivered as he spoke. Jim squeezed his arm.

“Aye…I know…I know. We had a pregnancy scare once, a couple of years back.”

“What do you mean?” Ed sat upright as this news.

Jim began to explain the events of July 2008. It was after Felicity had recovered from a throat infection. She had been taking antibiotics, which had affected her contraceptive pill…

~~~~~

July 2008 – Seven Months Before the Break-up

“So what does it say?” Jim was almost boiling over with excitement. Felicity remained taciturn as she stared at the little white stick, her hand shaking. After a while she blinked as if coming out of a trance.

“Erm…it has a cross… I think that means it’s…positive.” Her eyes welled up with what Jim presumed were happy tears. He grabbed her in a bear hug and showered her with kisses.

“Oh, Flick! We’re going to be Mummy and Daddy!” He spun her around.

“Put me down!” she shouted at him. He immediately placed her back on her feet. He was a little surprised at her tone but put it down to the shock of the news. She’d come around.

She just stared at the stick in her hand.

“Flick, staring at it won’t change it, sweetheart.” His voice was tinged with sadness at her reaction.

“It can’t be right...it can’t be… I
can’t
be pregnant, Jim. Not now. There’s too much going on. We’ve not bought a house… My career is going well… You’re still at The Book Depository, which pays next to nothing… We’re not ready.” She sat on the side of the bath, her eyes staring into space once again.

“How can you not be happy, Flick? We’re married. I adore you. This wee bairn will get spoiled by its grandparents. I’ll be the best dad—”

“Stop it, Jim.
Please
. I can’t think straight. I can’t do this. Not now!” She stormed out of the bathroom pushing past him and slammed the door to their bedroom.

~~~~~

Jim didn’t sleep well and neither did Felicity. She went downstairs very early and after a while he heard her talking on the phone. He pulled on his shorts and walked down to the lounge where she sat, phone in hand.

“Yes, yes, I have a urine sample ready from this morning. Yes…okay…uhuh…okay…okay, see you at nine. Thank you…bye.” She hung up.

Jim sat beside her, “What was all that about?” He rubbed her back gently.

“I’ve made an appointment at the doctors. I need to get this confirmed officially, Jim. Then I can decide what to do.”

“Decide what to do? What do you mean
decide what to do
? We’d prepare to have a baby, surely there’s no other decision involved?”

“Jim, this is
my
body. And
my
career
. I
have to make sure that
I
am ready for this.” She was calm as she spoke. Her voice was low and quiet.

Jim tried to smile. “Hang on…there are a lot of
I’s
in there… What about me? And what, exactly, are you saying? Are you saying that there’s a chance you’ll get rid of our baby?” He stood and ran his hand through his messed up, morning hair.

Felicity didn’t look up. “I’m saying I’ll have some decisions to make.” She wrung her hands in her lap.

Jim began to pace the floor, “Oh…oh
you’ll
have some decisions to make, eh?
YOU
not
US
?! Oh right…right…I get it. I get no say in this?
My
child,
our
child, and I get no say?” His voice became louder.

“Don’t raise your voice at me, Jim. This is hard enough as it is.”

“What’s hard? We wanted kids. This is a no-fucking-brainer!” He flung his arms in the air in exasperation. What was she thinking?

“I will
not
speak to you whilst you are acting like this. I’m going to get ready.” She stormed back upstairs into the bathroom and locked the door. He followed her and shouted through the barrier she had put between them. Again.

He leaned his head against the door. “Well, I’m coming too! I
need
to be a part of this, Flick. You can’t shut me out!”

“Whatever, Jim,” she mumbled.

~~~~~

The doctor’s surgery was overflowing with people coughing and sneezing. Felicity sat silently staring at her hands. Jim watched as myriad emotions made their mark upon her face
. She should be excited. I just don’t get this
. He was about to take her hand in his when the doctor called her through. Placing his hand at the small of her back, desperately needing contact, Jim accompanied Flick through into the room to see the doctor.

“Good morning, Felicity. What can I do for you today?” The female doctor beamed at them both but didn’t address Jim.

“I took a pregnancy test yesterday which came out positive. I…I thought I ought to get checked properly to make sure.”

“Oh yes, wise to do so. Did you bring an early morning urine sample?” The doctor’s smile remained in situ.

Felicity handed over a small bag with a little container in it. The doctor opened a long, white plastic package, about the size of a biro and dipped the end in the sample.

“It doesn’t take long. I’ll give you a quick once over whilst we wait.” The doctor proceeded to check Flick’s blood pressure and pulse. “You seem fit and well, which is good news.”

After a few more minutes of Jim scrunching his hands anxiously, feeling somewhat invisible, the doctor checked the test.

“I’m very sorry…the test is actually negative.” The doctor’s smile finally gone, Jim sat upright, confused.

Flick let out a huge puff of air as if she’d been holding her lungs full. “Right, well that’s that then.” Felicity’s voice was back to its normal breezy self.

“Hang on…that can’t be right? The one yesterday was positive,” Jim barked

“I know, Mr Johnston-Hart. And it is very rare to get a false positive. More likely to get a false negative but in this instance it
is
a false positive. Your wife is not pregnant.”

“It’s MacDuff…Mr. MacDuff…and you said yourself false negatives are more frequent…so what if yours is wrong?” He was clinging onto the last shred of hope, although he had no clue why, considering Flick’s reaction.

“I’m very sorry Mr. MacDuff, but you can always try again.” She spoke in a very patronising tone which made Jim angry. He stood and stormed out of the surgery, not stopping until he reached the Land Rover.

~~~~~

Flick followed him, trotting along on her stilettos. She opened the car door and climbed in awkwardly, muttering under her breath how she hated this car.

“Don’t you think you were a bit harsh on Dr. Jacobs in there?” she spat as he sat there, white knuckled, holding on to the steering wheel and staring straight ahead.

“No.” He growled back through gritted teeth.

“Jim, it can’t be helped. We have plenty of time. No need to get so stressed.” Now
she
was patronising him, making him bristle.

After a long silent interlude, Jim found the words he wanted to say, however hurtful. “The fact that it was negative after I got my hopes up was painful…but what’s even more painful is that you thought the prospect of carrying
my
baby so abhorrent that you would have had
decisions
to make.” His eyes stung and he bit the inside of his lip, determined not to let her see him cry over this.

“Jim, it just isn’t the right time. My career is going so well—”

“Your fucking career? Is that what’s more important to you than us creating a new life?” His eyes were ablaze with hurt and anger as he turned to face her.

“Please don’t swear at me, Jim. Clearly you’re more ready for this type of thing than I am.” She snorted out a half laugh, fuelling Jim’s pain.

“
More ready for this type of thing
?” he repeated, his voice cracking as an angry tear escaped, much to his chagrin.