'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse (3 page)

FAIRY TALES

Fairy tales and folklore also influence our ideas about love, marriage, and relationships. The attractiveness of many myths and legends comes from the basic human needs and experience they reflect.

One of the major themes in many legends is love and marriage. The most appealing characters are the heroes and heroines. The typical hero is the knight in shining armor while the leading female character tends to be the passive princess, waiting for that one special man to rescue her and carry her off into the sunset. What is of note is that most of these myths and legends are written by men. The knights, for instance, were often murderers and rapists. But these myths embody the male fantasy of what men want women to be and how men want to be viewed by women, as heroes who transform women and so become their saviors.

Almost every little girl wants to be a fairy-tale princess. My 2½-year-old daughter is going through this phase right now. On the most fundamental of levels these princess stories, such as Cinderella, are tales of transformation. Most of them are about turning one kind of girl into someone fantastically different, which is also a common thematic element in books, television, and film. Today there’s a huge appetite for these kinds of stories among viewers of “reality” TV for example,
The Bachelor, The Bachelorette,
and
Extreme Makeover,
to name just a few.

The princess theme or syndrome is a story of social mobility, the idea that a women rises or climbs socially by virtue of the man she chooses to be attached to. It’s not politically correct or progressive but nevertheless still holds credence today. There is still a princess attitude, if you will, among some girls and young women—that marrying well, especially financially well—will lead to the life of a princess.

The conflict is that the princess has a fundamentally passive role: She must wait to be chosen. In abusive relationships, it is often this very power imbalance that contributes to and in some cases exacerbates the violence and mistreatment in an intimate partnership. Sleeping Beauty is probably the most extreme story of the passive-role princess; she does absolutely nothing but sleep yet is transformed into a princess and lives happily ever after with her prince.

So what’s the psychological appeal of such fairy tale romances? It doesn’t matter what time period these stories are set in or what professional choices the hero or heroine makes. After the “Once upon a time…” opening, there later comes that much anticipated magical moment in any great fairy tale (just like in real-life romance): the perfect ending, when the couple walks into the sunset to finally…“Live happily ever after.” The happily-ever-after is always there to look forward to. This firmly engrained idea can actually blind some people and help them stay in relationships that are potentially damaging, even lethal.

Fairy tales and romance are intimately linked and reflect both our deep wishes and deep fears. The fairy tale ends with the prince and the princess marrying and riding off into the sunset to start a new and amazing life together as husband and wife. Their life is full of promise, romance, and above all love. The problem is that no one tells us how it happens, why it succeeds, or if in fact it does. It alludes to this notion that true love is effortless and automatic if it is right and meant to be. Again, a major falsehood when it comes to real-life relationships.

Although few women expect to literally marry a royal prince, subconsciously they have assimilated these culturally essential messages. They transfer the fairy tale fantasies into real life and exalt acquiescence to male power, believing marriage to be not only an ideal state, but the ultimate domain toward which a woman should aspire. This idealization reflects a cultural attitude toward marriage and maternity as not only praiseworthy but predestined.

So fairy tales, aside from encouraging fantasies, also transmit romantic myths that encourage women to internalize ultraconservative aspirations which include what our real sexual functions should be within a male-influenced society. Interesting that this cultural fairy tale idea is closely linked with the evolutionary perspective of the primary function of marriage, which is to raise strong offspring so a man and woman can continue to spread their genes.

In Beauty and the Beast, the Beast’s magical transformation into a devastatingly handsome prince makes it possible for Belle to have a love affair that is no longer grotesque. The story exemplifies the female hope that one can change a man’s dark side with the right kind of love. Other characters, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, are rewarded for dreamily waiting for their prince and their patient servitude, while the Beast’s transformation rewards Belle for accepting traditional female virtues.

Marriage serves as a bridge between these worlds of fantasy and reality. “Once upon a time” pulls us into a world of timeless fantasies and wish fulfillment with the wedding ceremony placing a person back into a more contemporary reality.

“Once upon a time” is then superimposed on the reality of marriage and becomes a major influence shaping a woman’s experience and ideas on what her part of marriage should be. So again, even though women do not expect a fairy godmother to transform their rags into couture ball gowns, marriage is a state sought by many women. Women often expect or want marriage to provide them with happy domesticity, complete with a doting male to rescue them from the future dangers of life.

As illogical as these fantasies may be, in real life it is often true that romantic myth rather than actual experience influences women’s expectations of men and marriage. If she cannot be a “real” princess, a woman can at least hope to become a sheltered wife, admired by a “prince of a man” who gives her children and maintains a happy home.

Even today many women still internalize romantic patterns and ideas that reference ancient tales. Although most women are aware that men are not princes and, in fact, some are unchangeable beasts, there still remains a deep-seated longing and female dream of the “perfect and fabulous man.” Some believe as long as women buy into these romantic ideas they will be even more vulnerable to deceptions and disillusionments.

The dedicated romantic, or in extreme cases romantic obsessive, will reconstruct her reality into unsubstantiated, self-deluding fantasies by overlooking flaws and vehemently clinging to the more glorious aspect of matrimonial life. In the most severe cases, this rose-colored-glasses approach to a relationship can be devastating or even lethal for a woman (think Laci Peterson).

Everyone wants to have a love that is more powerful than anyone or anything in the world, and that is precisely what romance novels and soap operas deliver. An amazingly handsome, sexy, intelligent, and empathic man falls madly in love with a fiercely independent and beautiful young woman. They tease each other and flirt and eventually make mad, passionate love. The story concludes with a proposal or wedding, sometimes a baby, and they live happily ever after—the end.

The heroes in these romances are not ashamed of their desires, and their heroines are flattered by them. The relationship is held together by butterflies-in-your-stomach, breathless, passionate love. Women want all of this. They are drawn to these stories of seduction and passion. Soap operas and reality TV shows explore these themes of romance, and finding one’s only true love appeals to audiences. These are modern examples of how we believe the right relationship can transform our lives, so they can resemble the lives in the fairy tale romances we so desperately admire.

SOUL MATE

According to the Zohar, a mystical commentary on the Torah, “forty days before conception a
bat kol
(heavenly voice) calls out that this one is destined to partner with that one.” The noted Kabalist Isaac Luria further expands on this idea by stating that each of us is a part of different soul types and that certain soul types are more likely to connect than others.

The concept of the soul mate is another powerful idea that influences romance and who we want as a marital partner. Today, some believe in the esoteric notion that a soul mate is a person whom you have shared several lifetimes with through reincarnation. Others share the belief of the ancient Greek philosopher Plato, who opined that a soul mate is a person’s “other half.”

Today people all over the world embrace the idea that we are all searching for someone to complete us and make us whole, much like the hero played by Tom Cruise in the film
Jerry Maguire.
Lines such as “you complete me” and “you had me at hello” underscore the theme of finding the one and only perfect person designed especially for us, someone to share this journey of life with.

Most people think that a soul mate will accept and love every part of our personality, and that therefore life with a soul mate will be natural and effortless. I often hear disgruntled married patients in my office talk about how frustrated they are when a spouse does not know what they want and need, even if they have not shared or stated just what it is they need from that spouse.

The soul mate concept is a compelling one. Our soul mate is supposed to share our deepest thoughts and longings no matter what goes wrong around us. We are supposed to feel safe around this person who makes our life seem worth living. There is a divine grace surrounding the soul mate connection.

The dictionary defines soul mates as two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity; between whom there is a deep affinity and temperamental harmony. Our perceptions of a soul mate and love relationships are largely based on movies, books, television, and fairy tales. Hollywood reinforces their notions of fate and soul mates, often examining the idea that people are effortlessly drawn together by destiny or fate, carrying over their love even after death.

Such notions of love and romance can be very misleading, because they present only part of the picture of what relationships are all about. To make the story more appealing, we see only the harmonious or marketable aspects of relationships with the underscoring theme that if we could just find our other half we could then reach true bliss and harmony.

According to psychologist Erich Fromm, “the desire for interpersonal fusion is the most powerful striving in man. It is the most fundamental passion. It is the force which keeps the human race together, the clan, the family, the society.”

Why is this pull for a soul mate so powerful and universal? Well, logically, it stems from a place that we all have experienced, the womb. The intrauterine bonding occurrence is probably the most organic and influential experience we will ever have. Although it predates language and therefore can’t necessarily be described in words, this experience is registered in each person’s psyche.

A remarkable body of research suggests that the unborn child is aware, feeling and remembering what happens during those nine months which mold and shape its personality and ambition. Many believe that consciousness exists from the moment of conception—from the sixth month on, a fetus can hear, remember, and according to some even learn.

The womb is a child’s very first experience of the world, and how he or she experiences it plays a major role in who this child will be both in character and temperament. While in utero everything the fetus needs is provided: food, oxygen, security, and safety. Nothing needs to be said or done; it’s all automatic. When you think about it, this is the feeling state that finding a soul mate ideally should give us, a feeling of oneness and of automatically being taken care of.

As previously discussed, relationships, especially marital relationships, once were more for practical and economic reasons. Societal pressures dictated that couples, no matter what they were feeling, were supposed to stay together. This is certainly not the way things are today. People are following their hearts and their gut feelings when choosing the kind of partner and relationship they think is best for them. We expect a lot from marriage, and if a relationship is not meeting our needs, then a marriage is likely to end.

As a result of cultural brainwashing, we are programmed to believe that we need to find that one perfect person to meet all of our needs for the rest of our lives. This, of course, is impossible. But many of us still strive for it and believe we have failed if our expectations are not met. This distorted idealism and over-the-top expectation can set one up for major disappointment. For the fragile or disturbed mind, this disappointment can lead to violence and murder.

* * * * *

S
POUSAL
violence has been well documented throughout history (think Henry VIII). Women were viewed as nothing more than property, the home was the man’s castle, and women were to worship the man or face the consequences.

In past societies, getting rid of an inadequate wife was considered a legal right. Early Roman law allowed a man to beat, divorce, or murder his wife for the slightest offense, from dishonoring him to threatening his property rights. During the Middle Ages, when spousal violence was systemic, women who sought advice from their local priest were told only to be even more devoted and obedient to their husbands to win their approval, and hopefully lessen the abuse.

If the wife sought a divorce she could be beaten or killed, so she often had little choice but to grin and bear the abuse. However, in some instances, women fought back. For a woman the murder of a husband was, in some cases, a reflection of a societal need for an adequate divorce system, her unspoken defense: “Society gave me no other choice.”

Today, there are plenty of choices for men and for women. Yet as you read through the ten motivations and triggers I found behind these murders, you will see that some people are unable to cope via modern-day resolutions, and in the end resort to handling their problems the old-fashioned way, through violence and murder.

2

The Betrayal/Abandonment Killer

T
HE
betrayal/abandonment murder is frequently referred to as a “crime of passion.” These killers are not typical criminals. Instead they tend to be everyday people. The violent act in these instances is one of impulse where the killer doesn’t weigh the consequences of his or her actions and is unaware of the impact of his or her actions due to the intensity of these emotions.