Time of My Life (34 page)

‘No job, no boyfriend, no friends and no place to live. You’ve really done wonders for me,’ I said to Life.

‘Just thought I’d do a little decluttering for you,’ he replied, then resumed watching Jeremy Kyle. ‘He talks to them like they’re imbeciles. I should take notes.’

‘You don’t have to lose your lovely home,’ Mum said. ‘I’ll take Mr Pan, I’d love to have him at the house. Imagine all the space he’d have.’

‘But I’d miss him.’ I picked him up and cuddled him. He jumped out of my arms, disgusted by the loving gesture.

‘All the more reason to visit,’ Mum said happily.

‘You’re not selling it to her, Sheila,’ Life piped up. ‘And how could you possibly leave all this behind?’

‘I love my apartment,’ I huffed. ‘Two years and seven months I managed to keep you a secret, Mr Pan.’

Mum looked like she felt even more guilty.

‘Today is obviously the day to end all secrets,’ Life said, serious for once.

Mum clapped her hands excitedly. ‘Let’s get ready!’

Mum dressed in the bathroom to protect her modesty while I stripped off in front of my life.

‘What are you wearing?’ he asked.

I surveyed the curtain pole.

‘That one?’

He scrunched up his nose.

‘The pink one?’

He shook his head.

‘The black one?’

He shrugged. ‘Try it on.’

I stood up on the windowsill in my underwear and reached for the dress.

‘So how do you feel about reaching thirty?’

‘The same as I felt yesterday when I was twenty-nine.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘No, it’s not true,’ I agreed. ‘I had an epiphany last night, which was nurtured this morning at the supermarket. I really should go there more often, you know. As soon as I was looking at the raisins I knew exactly what it was that I had to do. But it had nothing to do with turning thirty.’

‘No, it had everything to do with the magical supermarket.’

‘Maybe it’s the way it’s all laid out. So structured. So decisive, so matter of fact, so fruit over here and veg over there, and hey, you ice cream, you’re cold, you go over there in the fridge with the other cold—’

‘Lucy,’ he interrupted.

‘Yes.’

‘That dress makes you look fat.’

‘Oh.’ I lifted it back over my head.

Life was lying on the bed in a smart summer suit, propped up by my pillows and his arms behind his head.

I tried another dress.

‘Your mum seems excited about tonight.’

‘I know,’ I frowned. ‘I think she thinks I’m going to admit to winning an Olympic medal or something. I don’t think she quite gets what I’m revealing.’

‘What did you tell her?’

‘The same as everyone else.’

‘That you’d like to invite everybody for “a celebration of the truth”,’ he said, grandly reading my text from his phone, ‘“and P.S. if you’re getting me a present please just give me cash, love, Lucy”.’ He raised his eyebrow. ‘Charming.’

‘Well, there’s no point beating around the bush, is there? I need money.’

‘This really is a whole new you. I can see your nipples,’ he commented.

‘Believe it or not, some men actually want to see my nipples,’ I huffed, but took it off anyway.

‘Not this man.’

‘You must be gay,’ I said, and we laughed.

‘Speaking of gay, how do you think Blake is going to feel about this little gathering?’

‘I think by the time Blake hears about it he’ll be very pissed off,’ I said, getting frustrated as I became tangled in my dress. Finally, with my head trapped inside I pulled the zip down the back and it fell over my head and body. My hair was a static mess, I had to dislocate my arm sockets to zip my dress to the top.

‘Let me help,’ Life said, finally moving from the bed. He zipped me up. He smoothed down my hair, fixed the front of the dress, gave me the once-over. I waited for him to tell me to invest in some of Philip’s plastic surgery or something. ‘Beautiful,’ he said and that made me smile. ‘Come on.’ He smacked my arse. ‘The truth shall set you free.’

For the first time in two years eleven months and twenty-three days I was first to the dinner table in the Wine Bistro. Life sat one side of me and there was an empty seat to the other side because I hoped. I just hoped. Mum sat beside the empty seat. Riley was next to arrive and brought a bouquet of flowers, a doormat, a three-bean salad and an envelope. I laughed at the gesture, then went straight for the envelope and didn’t even read the card before shaking it and counting two hundred euro in four fifty-euro bills. I whooped. Life rolled his eyes.

‘You are so obvious.’

‘So what? I’m broke, I have no pride.’

Riley greeted Life by bowing at his feet and kissing his hand. ‘Mum, I didn’t know you were coming,’ he said, greeting her next and going for the empty chair beside me.

‘I’m expecting someone,’ I said, putting the three-bean salad on the chair.

‘I’m staying with Lucy,’ Mum said happily, pulling out a chair for him on the other side of her.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Riley laughed, thinking it was a joke.

‘Your father’s a bastard,’ Mum said, sucking on the straw of her vodka, soda and lime.

Riley looked at her in shock, then at me accusingly. ‘Have you brainwashed her?’

I shook my head.

‘So I take it he’s not coming?’

Mum snorted.

‘And Philip?’

‘He’s doing emergency reconstructive surgery on a little boy who was in an accident,’ I said, bored.

‘Oh, please.’ Mum waved her hand in the air. ‘Let’s not all pretend we don’t know Philip is doing boob jobs.’

We both looked at Mum in surprise. Life laughed, enjoying it all.

‘Who are you and what have you done with my mother?’ Riley asked.

‘Your mother is on a much needed break. Sheila, however, is back on duty,’ she said forcefully, then she giggled and leaned into me. ‘Did you like that?’

‘Brilliant, Mum.’

Jamie and Melanie arrived and I stood to greet them. Melanie hung back a little so I hugged Jamie first.

‘Happy birthday.’ He squeezed me tight, crushing my ribs. ‘Melanie has my present for you, we integrated, the present company wasn’t doing well so we merged.’

‘You forgot, didn’t you?’

‘Completely.’

‘Sorry I didn’t return your call last week.’

‘Hey, it’s fine, it was no big deal, I just wanted to see if you were okay. Hey, Melanie just told me that guy is your life?’ Jamie’s eyes were wide. ‘That’s crazy. I read about that in a magazine once. Wait till Adam hears about it. That’s what we’re here for, isn’t it?’ he asked, but he didn’t wait for the answer before moving off. ‘Where do I sit? Beside you, Mrs Silchester?’

I heard Mum giggle behind me.

Melanie’s eyes widened. ‘Your mum’s here?’

‘A lot has happened since I’ve seen you last.’

‘Sorry I haven’t been in touch.’

‘No, I deserved it. It’s fine. Melanie, I’m really sorry.’

She just nodded her forgiveness. ‘Sorry that I told Jamie he’s your life, you know what I’m like with secrets. Oh, my God, speaking of secrets, Jamie just told me that he’s still in love with Lisa. Shit, I’ve just done it again.’ She clamped her hand across her mouth.

I barely had time to take it in as Lisa and David arrived next, Lisa waddling with only weeks to go to her due date. People had to pull their chairs in so she could manoeuvre around the tight restaurant, her swollen belly knocking against the backs of people’s heads as she went through sideways, which was actually a pointless task because she would be narrower if she’d walked straight on. They were both awkward after our last meeting but I gave Lisa a warm hug and silently whooped when she handed me a sealed envelope. It held promises of treasures within.

David joined the table and sat beside Jamie. Jamie stood up. ‘Wow, Lisa, you look amazing.’ David glared at him, Melanie pretended to choke and they turned her attention on her, slapping her back. She stopped when I suggested the Heimlich manoeuvre. Then Chantelle arrived with a strange man in tow, or at least a stranger to us, I didn’t know what he liked to do in his spare time.

‘Hey, birthday girl.’ She gave me a kiss and handed me an envelope, probably not even remembering our last encounter. ‘Everybody,’ she said so loudly that the entire restaurant could hear, ‘this is Andrew. Andrew, this is everybody.’

Andrew’s cheeks blazed red, to the same colour as his hair, and he gave the table an awkward wave. Chantelle in her usual loud and self-centred voice proceeded to fire names at him as if he was hard of hearing, which he could never remember even if he wasn’t completely overwhelmed by meeting so many new faces all at once. Then finally, Adam and Mary arrived; Mary sullen and dressed in black, Adam looking like he felt every accusation he’d ever thrown at me was about to be vindicated. I couldn’t wait; though to reveal that I’d been lying about mostly everything for the past few years was hardly a win for me. They handed me an envelope and a potted plant and I didn’t even pretend to be happy about it; I could guess that the card contained nothing but courteous words inside and not a banknote in sight.

I remembered the cake I’d brought with me and took it to the fake French waiter.

‘Hi,’ I smiled.

He barely looked at me.

‘It’s my birthday today.’

‘Mm-hmm.’

‘And I brought this cake for myself. In fact, I baked it.’ No response. I cleared my throat. ‘Could you please bring it to the kitchen, so we can have it for dessert?’ He tutted and took it from me, then turned on his heel. ‘I’m sorry,’ I called out and he paused and turned back around again. ‘I’m sorry for all the things I said to you. In French. They were never
bad
, by the way, just random, and I knew you didn’t understand.’

‘I am French,’ he said threateningly, in case anybody else heard.

‘Don’t worry, I won’t tell anybody. I’m not perfect, in fact I’ve told lies myself. Lots of lies. But tonight I’m going to tell the truth.’

He looked at the group and then back at me and spoke quietly in his Irish accent, ‘Only French speakers needed apply, the ad said.’

‘I understand.’

‘I needed the job.’

‘I completely understand. I need a job too and I speak French – are there any going?’

‘Now you’re trying to steal my job?’ He looked horrified.

‘No, no, no, not at all, I’m not trying to do that. I mean, I would work
with
you.’

He looked at me as though he would rather I stick daggers in his body.

I made my way to the table and the chatter suddenly died. The seat beside mine was still empty and I looked at my watch; there was still time. I sat at the head of the table and all eyes were on me. I didn’t blame them, I had summoned them here with a dramatic text about truth and then swiftly followed it with a demand for money and now the red light was on. Time for action. The waiter came to the table and slowly began pouring water. I was going to wait until he was gone, but he was moving so slowly I got the sense he wasn’t budging until he heard what I had to say.

‘Okay, thank you for coming. It’s not a big deal, but it’s a big deal to me. Something happened and it changed the current course of my life which something happened to again and now it’s taking another course.’ Chantelle looked confused. Andrew, who had never met me, looked uncomfortable as if he shouldn’t be there, but Mary nodded in complete understanding. ‘And in order for me to move on, I need to share it with you.’ I took a deep breath. ‘So—’

On that note the restaurant door opened and my heart lifted, hoping, hoping, hoping … but Blake stepped inside.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

‘Blake.’ My voice was a barely a whisper but they all heard me and turned around to stare at him. Blake looked around the room and his eyes fell upon our table and then on me. We shared a look: his was angry, mine was pleading for understanding.

‘So that’s who the seat is for!’ Melanie squealed. ‘Are you guys back together?’

There were murmurs of surprise and intrigue and excitement but then the door opened again and Jenna arrived in the restaurant, and everybody turned to me in confusion. I looked angrily at Adam, assuming that it was he who had invited Blake without telling me, but his face was as shocked as mine. His friend had surprised him too. Everybody stood up to greet Blake; their hero had arrived.

‘You didn’t tell me you were coming,’ Adam said, giving his friend a handshake, seeming put out.

‘I’m just up for the night. Adam, this is Jenna,’ Blake said, stepping aside and pushing Jenna into the limelight. She seemed overwhelmed by it all and incredibly embarrassed to be at my thirtieth birthday celebrations and so she should have been. She looked at me half-apologetically and half-jubilantly as she wished me happy birthday and apologised for not having brought a gift.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said, her voice a whisper. ‘I thought he was just coming in to say hello to someone.’

‘Yes.’ I pasted on a smile, though I did genuinely feel sorry for her. ‘He does that.’ As soon as she moved on to meet the others, I felt a hand on my arm tugging me.

‘Don’t do this,’ Blake said, in a low voice.

‘Blake, you don’t even know what I’m trying to do.’

‘I know you’re looking for a few fans and you need a bad guy. I know exactly what you’re doing. Just listen to me, don’t do it. We can figure out another way to sort things out with them.’

‘Blake, it’s not about
them
,’ I said through gritted teeth. ‘This is about
me
.’

‘And what you’re about to do is about me too so I think it’s fair that I have a say, don’t you?’

I sighed.

‘Looks like we need two more chairs,’ Riley said, all game-show host trying to keep the atmosphere up.

I looked at the empty chair beside me, looked at my watch. It was a half an hour late, Don wasn’t coming. ‘No,’ I said sadly, ‘just one more chair, he can have this one.’ Everyone moved up a place and mum was beside me.

Blake sat at the head of the table directly opposite me with Jenna next to him. She was at the corner beside Andrew, and they were like two spare tools together who empathised with each other.

‘Well, look at this,’ Chantelle boomed, ‘just like old times. Apart from him,’ she referred to Andrew. ‘I was dating Derek back then.’ She pretended to retch. Andrew went puce again.

‘So what did I miss?’ Blake asked the table but looked at me.

‘Nothing yet,’ David said, bored.

‘Lucy was just about to share something important with everyone,’ Life said, looking pointedly at Blake. ‘Something that means a lot to
her
.’

‘No, it’s okay,’ I said quietly, drained. ‘Forget about it.’

‘Okay,’ Blake jumped in, ‘because I’ve a bit of important news myself.’ All heads swiftly turned to him as if it was a tennis match. ‘I just heard that my deal came through for my new cookbook and TV show.’

There was a collective cheer, mostly from our friends; my family and my life weren’t overly enthused but they were polite – apart from Life who booed but only so that I could hear. It wasn’t an entirely overenthusiastic cheer from the rest of the gang either, but I’m not sure if Blake noticed, and if he did he was ignoring the signs to shut up and had begun talking about a fish course he’d designed from sardines he’d eaten in Spain which were cooked on a hot stone under a scorching summer sun. Adam was looking a little concerned by Blake’s interruption, as it appeared to everyone to have been an obvious one. Jenna was the only person who seemed rapt; everybody else listened politely apart from Lisa who looked fit to burst. I don’t know if that was due to her personal discomfort or because Blake was talking incessantly about himself. Jamie had given up listening and instead was ogling Lisa’s watermelon breasts.

‘My word,’ Mum turned to me and said quietly. ‘He hasn’t changed a bit, has he?’ From the way that she said it I knew she didn’t mean it in a good way and I was surprised, because I’d always thought she’d been fascinated by him and his stories. Perhaps she had just been appropriately polite and attentive. Pockets of conversation had begun to form around the table as people tuned out of Blake’s stories – each seemed to lead seamlessly into another – until eventually it was just Blake telling Lisa, and Lisa was not to be messed with.

Finally she yawned. ‘Blake,’ she held her hand up. ‘I’m sorry, can you please stop?’ All other conversations died down to listen to her. ‘I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t care any more. I’m uncomfortable and I’m disgusting and I have no patience and I’m just going to say what I think. Before you arrived, Lucy was about to tell us something, something important and we all care because Lucy never tells us anything important. Not any more. No offence, Lucy, but you don’t. You didn’t even tell us about the weirdo in your office who held a gun to your head, I had to hear it from Belinda Bitchface who lives around the corner from me, do you remember her? She’s a single mother with three kids with three different fathers and has the face of a scrunched-up nipple and it serves her right. Don’t look at me like that, Mrs Silchester, she deserves it, honestly – if you heard the things she used to do to us when we were at school. Anyway, she told me he had a gun to your head and I was mortified because I didn’t even know, and it wasn’t just that.’ Lisa looked at Blake again. ‘She doesn’t tell us
anything. Nothing.
’

‘It was a water pistol,’ I said, trying to calm them all down as they gave out to me for not telling them anything, rattling off everything in my life that they’d heard from other people which I’d never told them about. Blake listened to them all, fascinated.

‘Silence!’ Lisa finally shouted and again the restaurant became hushed and stared at her. ‘Not you, just them,’ she gestured at us. ‘Let Lucy speak.’

The waiter returned to fill my glass with water and gave me a smug smile. He took his time and moved on to another glass. I stared him down and finally he left the jug on the table and walked away.

‘Okay fine. Blake, can I, please?’

‘You don’t need to ask his permission,’ Chantelle snapped. ‘We’ve heard enough about sardines for one night.’

Jamie smirked.

Blake crossed his arms, looked nervous beneath the tough exterior.

‘I just want to say that this is for me, it is not to make anybody into the bad guy. Blake had a part in it but I take full responsibility for the rest of it. It’s
my
doing – not his.’

Blake seemed satisfied by that.

‘So do not attack Blake,’ I urged. Then I paused. ‘I did not,’ I began slowly, ‘break up with Blake. He left me.’

Mouths fell open. They stared at me silently, in shock, then shocked faces turned to scowls, and then those faces turned away from me and towards Blake.

‘Hey, hey, hey, not his fault, remember?’

With gritted teeth they all looked back at me. Except for Adam; he looked at Blake questioningly and when Blake wouldn’t meet his eye he saw it as an admission and his look turned to anger.

‘I was very happy in our relationship. I was completely in love. I didn’t feel that we had any problems but obviously I wasn’t paying enough attention because Blake wasn’t happy. He ended the relationship, for his own reasons, which he is perfectly entitled to,’ I said forcefully, trying to quash the uprising.

‘Why did you say she left you?’ Melanie asked Blake.

‘
We
decided to say that because I was embarrassed,’ I answered. ‘Because I was confused and I was worried what people would think and because I didn’t have any answers and I thought that if I said I just wasn’t happy and I decided to leave him then it would all be much easier. Blake was helping me. He was trying to make it easier for me.’

Blake had the decency to look embarrassed.

‘And whose idea was this?’ Jamie asked.

‘I don’t know,’ I said dismissively, ‘It’s not important. The point is that it set off a chain of events in
my
life that—’

‘But who suggested the idea first?’ Mary interrupted.

‘It doesn’t matter. This is about me now,’ I said selfishly. ‘I felt it would be easier to deal with, only it wasn’t because you all held it against me, and thought that I cheated.’ I looked at Adam. ‘I assure you, I absolutely did not.’

‘Did
you
?’ Melanie asked Blake angrily.

‘Hey, I told you not to attack him, it’s about
me
.’ But no one was listening to me.

‘Can you remember who thought of it first?’ Jamie asked Blake.

‘Look,’ Blake sighed and leaned forward, elbows on the table, hands clasped. ‘It might have been my idea but it wasn’t to back away from any blame, it was genuinely to make it easier for Lucy—’

‘And you,’ Mum said.

‘Mum, please,’ I said quietly, embarrassed it was all turning out as Blake had feared.

‘So it was your idea?’ Riley confirmed.

Blake sighed. ‘I guess.’

‘Lucy, continue,’ Riley said, and that was that.

‘Well, that day that he, that
we
broke up we told you all that I’d left him and I was very confused. I was very sad and very confused. I had a day off work, I’d taken it off because, Blake, remember we were supposed to go strawberry picking with your niece in …’ I looked at Blake and he looked genuinely sad. ‘Anyway,’ I changed the subject, ‘I had a bit to drink at home. Quite a bit.’

‘As you should,’ Lisa said, looking at Blake angrily.

‘And work phoned me and told me to collect a client from the airport. And I did.’

Mum looked shocked.

‘Dad knows this, by the way. That’s why we had the argument. And Riley, whatever you heard about that day from Gavin is correct. And for the record, he isn’t cheating on his wife with a man. I lost my job and I lost my driving licence but I couldn’t tell anyone that.’

‘Why not?’ Melanie asked.

‘Because … well, I tried to. Chantelle, do you remember?’

Chantelle looked like a deer caught in headlights. ‘No?’

‘I called you and told you I’d gotten really drunk the day before and you asked me why and I said because I was upset and you said why the hell should I be upset, I was the one who left Blake.’

Chantelle’s hands went flying to her mouth. ‘Lucy, you know better than to ever listen to me. So this is my fault?’

‘No,’ I shook my head. ‘It’s really not, but it made me realise that I was locked into this lie and I was going to have to stick to it. I sold the car and started cycling and I desperately needed a job because I needed the money and the only one I could find was at Mantic but I had to have Spanish to take it so I pretended that I did. What was one little lie in a line of so many bigger ones? But then I needed Mariza to help me or I’d lose my job and I couldn’t tell anyone, and so I rented a studio flat the size of this table and none of you were ever there because I was ashamed that everything had fallen apart and that my life was so crap and all of you were doing so well. I was embarrassed, that’s all, but then I grew to like my life and it was just me in this bubble where only I knew the truth, but then my life contacted me – this man to the right of me, who helped me see that I’d tied myself into a big knot and that the only way to get out of it and move on was to tell you the truth because it’s all connected – every little truth is connected to a big lie – and in order to tell you one I’d have to tell you them all and I couldn’t, so I didn’t, so I either didn’t tell you anything or I told you a lie and I’m sorry for that. I’m really sorry. And Blake, I’m sorry to drag you into this but I had to. It wasn’t about you, or turning you into the bad guy, it was about me and turning everything into what it should be.’

He nodded, full of understanding, looking sorry and sad all at once. ‘I had no idea, Lucy, I’m so sorry. I honestly thought at the time that it was the best thing.’

‘For you,’ Mum repeated.

‘Mum,’ I said, annoyed.

‘Anything else?’ Life asked and I thought about it.

‘I don’t like goat’s cheese.’

Lisa gasped.

‘I know, I’m sorry, Lisa.’

‘But I asked you five times!’ she referred to a dinner party she’d held two months ago where she’d singled me out at the table for pushing the cheese around my plate. ‘Why didn’t you just say?’

I think everybody at the table understood why I hadn’t said, even a
goat
would have eaten that cheese and Lisa would have eaten me if I hadn’t eaten it. Still, it didn’t explain why I’d ordered it most times we’d eaten out in an effort to prove her theory wrong, and as a result I hated it even more.

‘Anything else?’ Life asked again.

I thought hard. ‘I have been babysitting my neighbour’s invisible baby? Is that it? No? Oh. Oh, yes, and I have a cat. I’ve had him for two and a half years. His name is Mr Pan but he prefers Julia or Mary.’

Life finally appeared satisfied – but the others stared at me with shocked expressions trying to take it all in. There was a long silence.

‘So that’s it, guys, my life in a nutshell. What do you think?’ I asked nervously, waiting for them to stand up and storm out or throw drink in my face.

Adam turned to Blake and said angrily, ‘So
you
left Lucy?’

I sighed and pushed away my salad, appetite gone.

‘What’s wrong?’ Melanie asked, eyes wide. ‘Did you lie about liking salad too?’ She smiled then and we both had a private chuckle while everyone turned on Blake and gave him the abuse they’d been giving me for almost three years.

‘I’m sorry, could you all please be quiet,’ Jamie finally spoke up, and everyone hushed. ‘I think that even though it should go without saying, I should say it anyway. I think I can speak on everyone’s behalf – well, almost everyone,’ he threw a look at Andrew, ‘because I think it’s clear to see you’ve never liked Lucy –’ we laughed as Andrew reddened again – ‘when I say, Lucy, I can’t believe you felt you couldn’t tell us any of this before. It would never have changed our opinion of you – we’ve always known you’re a disaster no matter what.’