Time's Forbidden Flower (31 page)

“Lilyanna, please wait,” Christopher solemnly requests, his eyes still to the carpet, red and welling with misery. “Something did happen between you two, didn’t it?” he asks meekly.

Donovan steps up behind me, ready to catch my fall. “Yes, it absolutely did,” I answer in no uncertain terms, suddenly feeling fifty-feet tall, yet fearing for my children where the shrapnel will fall.

“It was always obvious something was amiss with the two of you,” Christopher chokes out. “When I returned to America, I noticed cologne on your pillows. The same scent came from Donovan’s closet when you packed his things. Then I found that letter and the pieces fell into place. I wanted to believe it was comfort, but I was always concerned it was abuse. When my past emerged I feared it was only a matter of time until you left. For weeks I’ve hoped that if I could keep you from saying you were leaving, that you would stay. When you left today I knew we were at the end and that I had only forced it. So when Donovan arrived, I saw it as my only chance to have comfort that you would be safe.

“I feel so foolish, putting you through all of that,” Christopher sobs. “Neither of you have done anything wrong. Honest actions are never wrong.”

Donovan closes his eyes and turns away, frustration blanketing his face. He grabs my hand, “Come on, Lily. I think you and I have been through enough already.”

Pieces of all of us are dying. The beautiful soul I love has returned, and we’re breaking each other’s hearts. Now I understand why. As much as I have every right to leave, I can’t turn my back on the real Christopher. “Donovan, wait. Don't you see? All along, Christopher knew something happened with us, but he trusted me so much that because I had faith in you, he did too. Now, even though he fears our marriage is crumbling, he's willing to risk pushing it over the edge of a cliff to be sure that I am safe. He’s pretending he misunderstood our conversation to get you to talk. It’s not that he’s not fighting for me, it’s that he knows he screwed up. Even though he now feels forced to let go, he is trying to do what’s best for me by making sure I won’t be victimized.”
Donovan, doesn’t that sound at least a little familiar?

Still, I need answers as to why Christopher is so hurt. Without them, I can’t help him. “Christopher, what the hell happened during those two years that brought you so much shame you were convinced I would leave?”

Christopher’s head drops, as if wishing to conceal himself. “When my trouble in school started, I realized I was a failure who left behind the person he loved most. I was constantly bombed, just like Mum was in America. Then I met Clara. It was never serious, but when she got pregnant, I planned to do the honorable thing. Mum stuck her nose in and paid Clara to get an abortion and leave. There hasn’t been a night since I haven’t prayed for forgiveness.”

The skin around Christopher’s eyes bunches as tears drip to the ground. “The whole mess sent me down deeper. Drugs helped, mostly because I handed them out freely to those who followed me. Ellen came back into Eric’s life, and I got her friend, April, involved. Ellen was helping me pull it together when Eric tried to keep her away. She had already heard so many bad things about him from her mother that now she really believed the worst. Nothing was going on, though soon it probably would have. I thought the reason he shoved me aside was that he didn’t trust me. Ellen hardly speaks to Eric now, all because he kept Mum’s secret.”
 

“What happened to Ellen?” I ask, inching closer. “Is she okay?”

Christopher’s sobs deepen, his eyes pressing harder as if the greater the physical pain, the faster the emotional pain escapes. “She’s fine. When April started having problems, Ellen shoved my face in it and got me clean. April is mostly fine but she still has a hard time following verbal instructions and stammers for words. She hates herself, says she feels stupid all the time. It’s my fault. I never should have gotten her started. It took me years to see that.”

My entire torso feels as if it has caved into my gut as the magnitude of his words and depth of his pain seep in. What I have heard is frightening, but I know the real man, and I promised long ago to never lose sight of him. “Just because you were involved in the catalyst does not mean you are responsible for the outcome. You are not responsible for April’s drug use just like Donovan wasn’t for Mom’s alcoholism.” Finally I touch my hand to Christopher’s cheek. “So where do we go from here?” I ask.

Christopher inches up his head, his eyes barely peering at me. “You mean, after all you’ve heard, you are still willing to stand by me?”

I dare to inch closer. It’s not Christopher I fear, but the pain I know this must be causing Donovan. “Christopher, in all the weeks you have treated me like shit, never once have I thought less of you because of the mistakes you made. Who you are is what is important to me, not your regrets.”

Donovan’s words snap my attention away. “I’ll talk to you later, Lil,” he says, curling up half of his lips and sounding defeated before his focus turns to Christopher. “Hang in there, man. Call me later, and I’ll set you up with help.”

A bitter smile crosses Donovan’s stony expression as he heads for the stairs. If I could split myself in two and hold on to Christopher while giving Donovan all he deserves, I’d do it without question.

Donovan’s steps stutter before he storms back to Christopher. Anger reverberates in his eyes. “Hurt her again, in any way, shape, or form, and I’m coming after you. You haven’t heard the last of me yet.” He begins to walk away, and then turns back in annoyed resignation. “Or maybe you have, if Anna has her way.”

Everything inside me clenches. There’s no way he’s getting away from me again. I’ve had it with Anna.

Yesterday Donovan turned into the Incredible Hulk; today it is this Wonder Twin’s turn. Attempting to keep my fury in check, I resist the urge to pound down Anna’s door and opt to ring the bell. My head needs to maintain clarity, yet if my resolve lacks firmness, I’ll crumble over her suffering, thus negating my mission.

When the door flies open with Anna looking disgusted by my presence, my charming smile hopefully disguises both my desire to rip her a new one and the tears I fight over her suffering.

“Donovan’s not here,” she barks. “He took Sunshine to get her away from me.”

My eyes scan the porch as if in search of where the fly ball she just pitched landed. I try to smile off my annoyance while handing her an overstuffed shopping bag. “Actually, I’m here to see you. Eric went a little crazy and fixed a huge turkey last night. I thought you might like an escape from cooking dinner.”

“In other words, you are trying to save Donovan from my alternative medicine diet. Yeah, I know he told you. Come on in,” she says, dreading my acceptance of the invitation. Inside the well-lit house her illness becomes apparent. Without her make up, her face resembles a cadaverous raccoon—her illness making her skeletal.

Anna heads toward the kitchen, grumbling about being hospitable. I stop and tell it like it is. “I’m not staying where I am so clearly unwanted, but I am going to talk and you will listen.” Anna takes a strong stance with folded arms. Something tells me that even in her weakened state the woman has the ability to wipe the floor with my ass. Still I press on, as if fear is a foreign emotion. “I know of the ultimatum you gave Donovan. Make no mistake, if you move, you will go alone. If you persuade Donovan to leave with you, I will follow and lure him away. If you run off with Sunshine, I will hunt you down and take her, even if I can’t do it legally. Donovan and I will raise her as our own. I don’t care how much hiding we have to do.”

Anna snickers at me like I’m vermin. “You would never leave Christopher.”

Holding my ground, I force myself to relish in the falling face of the woman who thinks she has the upper hand, knowing it’s the only way to push me through this. “A few days ago that was true. Not now. Donovan must have left a few things out. Apparently Christopher has known about us for a long time, so don’t think that you have any power in the ability to tell him if Donovan leaves you. I’ve also discovered a world of information that has put my relationship with him hanging on a fraying thread, so I’ve nothing to lose. If you stay, you will continue to get professional psychiatric help along with medical treatment—a mastectomy, chemo—whatever it takes so you can raise your daughter like she needs. Optionally, you let me stand by you like a sister should.”

Anna’s expression softens; her annoyance tussled by my closing words.

“Anna, please let the people who love you help you.”

Her eyes abandon me, looking to nothing in particular as her brain searches for the proper vision. “I’d think you’d want me out of the way,” she mutters. “Aren’t situations like yours easiest after people die? All I am is a roadblock.”

“Goodbye, Anna,” I say, closing the door behind me.

Tough love sucks.

For hours Donovan and I have sat woven together on the sofa in his office, our eyes captivated by society’s potential stamp of approval that sits before us. My lips confess into his neck. “The bitter-sweet of it is, I have the life I always wanted. I love Christopher, and I want to be by his side to watch our children graduate college, get married, enjoy all their successes and love them through all of their mistakes. We know we can make it through this.”

Donovan places his head onto mine, caressing my crown with his cheek. “Even though Anna chooses not to see it, I do love her. I want to help her survive and rediscover that person she fought so hard to be. I know she’s in there. Whatever you said to her yesterday made her see it too.” He brings my eyes to his. His falling tear follows the path of my shattering heart. “Last chance. Do we face whatever truth lies in that envelope with the acceptance that we have already made our decision, or do we open it knowing we may want to backpedal?”

“Some things we are still in together,” I stammer.

“Yeah, let’s do this.” Donovan snatches the envelope. Our interlaced hands clutch as we walk to the corner of his office. My head buries into his chest as he flips the shredder’s on button, as if fearing this is the last time I will ever relish in the rhythm of his heart. “Count of three?” he says with a heavy breath of bravery.

“Yeah,” I barely utter.

“One,” he says boldly.
For Anna and Sunshine.

“Two,” I add.
For Graham, Antonia, and the sweetest man in the world.

“Three,” we force in unison.

Our quivering hands communally lower the sealed envelope, our dreams again ripped apart. Never will we let a stupid piece of paper dictate our lives. We were meant to be together, but everyone is hurting enough, and we won’t let a legality tempt us into taking them down further.

Suddenly I yank back the slightly chewed envelope and hand it to Donovan. “You have to open this!”

“What? We just spent two hours deciding not to.”

“Read it aloud,” I insist. “You’d better sit because no matter what it says your ass may hit the floor.”

Donovan ignores my advice and rips the letter open while giving me a grunt of disproval before reading aloud. “The first set of tests show that specimens A and B are full siblings and the children of the hair strand test, specimen E.” Donovan huffs, “Fine, so we’re siblings.” Then his face goes pale. “Wait,
first set of tests
?”

With a deep capture of breath, a slight dizziness swirls in my brain. My hands go clammy as they brace me against the desk. “Keep reading,” I say, feeling I’m about to hurl.

“The paternity test shows that specimen F is—is the child of specimen B. What paternity test?” Donovan asks in a panic.

The news crawls through my veins like poison. If ripping them out would bring relief from my disgust over our indiscretion, I would have already sliced my skin. “Antonia,” I mutter, gripping the desk tighter. “I would have told you sooner, but it was so unlikely, and I just couldn’t bring myself to admit that no matter how I sugar coat it, I cheated on Christopher.”

“Lily, this can’t possibly be right,” Donovan says, as if pleading. “We stopped almost before we started. That and her due date didn’t match.”

“I lied to you about her due date. Also, you had the same health teacher I did. Don’t you remember that sperm seeps out before the big event happens? Contrary to popular belief, two people can conceive a child without either having an orgasm.”

“That’s depressing. Wait, if you were unsure, then you and Christopher must have… Gah! Before or after me?”

“Donovan! I know men freak out when these things happen, but don’t make me feel like a whore!”

“I’m sorry. That was unforgivable.” His voice mirrors my pain. He draws me close, wrapping me tightly into his chest as if sheltering me from further hurt. “Do you plan to tell Christopher?”

“No. If those test results ever come to light the whole family will suffer. I can’t imagine hating myself more than I already do. How could I have ever done this to that sweet man?” My sobs feel acidic.

“Hey, look at me,” Donovan says gently. “Really, really look at me. We’re forgetting something incredibly important.” Raising my chin, he delicately brings his lips to mine, allowing them to linger. “We’ve been given an angel, yet we barely did anything to bring her to earth. Doesn’t that seem like God has bestowed his blessings? Lily, I promise that we will find our way. Some way, somehow you will be the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow. Until then, please be there to catch me when I fall, because the drop may be a tall one.”