To Forgive & Hold Safe (The Broken Men Chronicles Book 4) (6 page)

I hadn’t thought about the possibility that Hannah might not recognize or remember me from almost a week ago when her life had changed.

I listened in at her bedside as the nurse explained that she shouldn’t overdo it with trying to talk, but that throat lozenges and lots of water would help get her voice back.

The doctor came in to speak with her quickly and to assess where her memory was at.  She looked around the room, seemingly confused.

“Where’s Lee?” she asked.

She doesn’t remember?

She reached out and grabbed my hand.  My head snapped in her direction and my eyes widened.  “Ben, where’s Lee?”

My heart soared because she remembered me, but my delight took a nosedive just as fast with the news the doctor would have to tell her.  Honestly, I’d rather it be him than me this time around.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Parsons but…”

Her hand squeezed mine almost to a painful degree.  I watched her confused face register shock, but instead of panic, she looked up at me and asked, “Why do I get the feeling that I already knew this?”

“Your memory might be fuzzy for the next little while.”  The doctor put a comforting hand on her shoulder.  “It’s normal, and I would look at it as a good thing that you’re already remembering things.”

“What about…” she gulped and looked up at me with a tearful gaze, “my baby?”

The doctor’s eyes widened and he quickly went through her chart.

“There’s nothing here about a pregnancy,” he said and turned to the nurse.  “Get an ultrasound machine in here stat!  Can you tell me how far along you are?”

My legs felt like jelly.  Why hadn’t Anne or Adam said anything to me about a pregnancy?

“Ben, we didn’t know,” Adam said as he came out of Hannah’s room, evidently reading my thoughts.  I was waiting out in the hallway, while the doctor performed an exam.  “You look like you just found out that you’re going to be a father.”  The man patted me on the back with a chuckle.

My worry for her and the child made my voice come out husky.  “Is she?”

“I don’t know, I walked out before they got started.”

“I hope to God that baby’s okay.”

“You and me both, kid,” he said as he let himself drop in the seat next to mine.

The nurse came out ten minutes later and both Adam and I turned to face her. “You can come back in now.”  Her neutral expression didn’t give anything away.

Aside from the rhythmic beeping of machines, there was nothing but silence to greet us.

“So?” Adam asked first.

“Hannah wanted us together when she found out,” Anne said.

I made to leave the room once more.

“Ben?”  Hannah’s voice was raspy.

I stopped and turned to her. “Yeah?”

“Please don’t leave.”

That line transported me back to the night we met, and I felt my heartstrings tighten at the terror in her eyes.  I walked back to her side where I covered her hand with mine.  “I’m not going anywhere.  I just thought that you’d like a moment to find out in private with your family.”  I went to remove my hand after reassuring her, but she grabbed it and squeezed tight.

We waited on the ultrasound technician to spill the beans.

“I’m sorry,” the tech said with a grim tone, “I’m so very sorry.  I can see the fetus, but there’s no heartbeat.  I’m recommending a dilation and curettage.  Seeing as you’ve been out for nearly a week, we have no idea how long it’s been since… We don’t want to risk sepsis.  The procedure will be booked for some time within the next twenty-four hours.”

“No!” Hannah broke down into sobs, rolling onto her side, facing me, clutching my hands into her chest as she rocked herself in the fetal position.  “No, no, no!”

The technician left the room allowing Hannah to deal with her devastation.  Anne and Adam hugged their daughter from behind, trying to soothe her.

“I’m so sorry, baby girl,” Anne said in her daughter’s ear, smoothing her hair back, kissing her temple.

“Just go,” Hannah said in a broken voice.  “Just go away.”

Her words took her parents by surprise.

“Honey-” Adam started.

“I said go!”

I attempted to pull my hands from her grip, but she only tightened her hold. 
Oh God!

“You, stay.”

“But-” Her pleading eyes only shut me up, and I nodded.

“Are you sure, sweetie?” Anne asked.

“Yeah.  You guys go home.  I need time to process this.  I need to talk to Ben before he leaves.”

Call me crazy, but it felt like she flat out lied to her parents.  This made my stomach flutter with nerves.

“Okay, baby girl,” Adam said.

He bent over and kissed his daughter’s cheek.  Anne did the same, then looked at me with a silent plea that I look after their daughter.  I shared a small nod in the couple’s direction, which seemed to work at reassuring them.

Hannah let go of my hands the moment her parents left the room, but her sobbing grew in intensity.

My heart broke for her.

“Hannah,” I said with gentleness.

“Just shut up,” she said as she lay on her side still facing me.

Despite the pain that I was dealing with, I wanted to take some of hers away so she could breathe a bit easier, to lighten the load, if only for a little while.

Her long auburn hair had fallen into her face.  I just wanted to see her.  Crouching down, I pushed her hair back to tuck it behind her ear.

“How do you do it?”  She gasped.  “How do you make it h-hurt less?  I mean…”  Her voice cracked and she launched herself at me, wincing in pain and sobbed some more.

I had no choice but to sit on the mattress beside her, one arm wrapped around her waist to hold her up, while the other attempted to soothe her by rubbing light patterns on her back.

“I haven’t done anything,” I mumbled into her hair.  “It’s been three years and I’m still hurting, but it hurts less every day.”

She nodded into my shoulder and continued to cry, her body shaking.

“Shh.” I began rocking us back and forth.  “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

Her hysterical crying subsided enough and she sighed.

“That’s what I thought.”  She pulled away.  “Before I found out about the baby, I mean.  It’s all I’ve ever wanted, you know?”

Hot tears continued to fall as I continued to watch her and those sad eyes of hers.  Her hand came up to touch my face and when it came back wet, I realized that I had shed a few tears along with her.

“She was crazy, you know,” Hannah whispered.  I looked at her in confusion.  “Your wife, she had it all and she was blowing it for some old flame.”

It wasn’t the subject change I was expecting, but it did make her tears slow down which I was thankful for.

“Yeah, well…” I let my words hang.

“I heard everything, you know.  I know you think you’ve done something wrong.  I may not know you past you saving me or the fact that you’ve bonded with my parents over these past few days, becoming some kind of a friend to them, but you’re worth something, Ben.  Thank you for being here.”

I was choked up.  Her eyes were peering so far into me that it felt like she could see my innermost secrets.

“I couldn’t stay away.” My gaze met hers.  “Not after I told you I wouldn’t leave you.”

She hugged me and held on with a death grip.  Her tears had dried for the time being.

“You should really try and get some rest,” I mumbled into her hair.

“I don’t think I can sleep right now.”

“How about you try?  I’ll stay.”

“Will you keep reading to me?”

I tensed and knew she felt it just by the hand that began to rub my back in an effort to soothe.

I thought about her request for a short moment.  Hadn’t I wished for her to wake up so I could hear her thoughts?  Why was I hesitating?

Because she’s awake now and she might just tell you what she thinks whether you want to hear it or not.

Despite my hesitation, I knew that I would most likely never finish reading those journals unless Hannah was beside me.

“Are they that boring?” I asked in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“Nah, the story’s fine.”  She pulled back to look at my face.  “It’s that voice of yours that makes me sleepy.”

I harrumphed.  “Your dad warned me about your wit.  Saw a bit of it the night I found you.  I kind of like it.”

“Yeah, leave it to the injured girl to crack a few when she’s bleeding out.”  She rolls her eyes.  “You should see me on a good day.”

The thought of that had me smiling.  “I’d like that.”

Hannah shifted to lay on her side, watching me as I sat on my usual chair, Candace’s latest journal in hand.  I don’t know how long I read for, but when I finished the journal, I looked up, finding a silently crying Hannah and a window filled with sunshine behind her.

It was morning.

“Please don’t cry.” I reached over to grab her hand.

“You’re right.”  She wiped at her cheeks and sniffled.  “She’s not worth the tears.  I’m crying for you, dummy.”  She hugged my hand under her chin with her free hand.

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.  You have your own stuff to deal with.”

“How about this,” she began.  “I’ll cry about yours if you cry about mine?”

I laughed, but it was more out of melancholy than humor. “I’d like it if neither of us cried at all.”  Silence filled the room as we looked at each other.  I cleared my throat.  “I should go.”

“Okay.”  She squeezed my hand before releasing it.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Mom and Dad will be here soon.  I could try and sleep for a bit until then.”

“Sounds like a smart idea.”

“Will you be back?”

“Only if you want me to.” I looked at my watch.  “How does five o’clock sound?  I’ll bring dinner.”

She nodded. “I’d like that.”

I got up, grabbed Candace’s journals and paused before aiming my feet toward the door.

“What, no kiss?”

I felt my face heat up, but turned to her.  Pressing my lips to her forehead, like I had done on my last visit, I said, “I’ll catch you later.”

It was just about lunchtime when my cell rang in my pocket and I was rushing to complete orders with the suppliers that Derek had forgotten to place yesterday.  When I looked at the caller ID, I began to panic.

“Is everything okay?”

“Ben, it’s Hannah.”

“Are you okay?”

“Not really.  I know you have a life, and Mom and Dad are here, but-”

“I’ll be right there.”

“I’m sorry,” she said.  “I can’t do this alone.  They want to do the D & C right now and I just… I can’t, Ben.”

“It’s okay.” Damn, I hated hearing her sound like that.  “I’m on my way.”

Hannah wanted me in there with her when the doctor went through the procedure’s description prior to having her sign the consent forms.

It wasn’t the longest procedure from what we were told, but the wait was unbearable nonetheless. I found myself pacing the waiting room, wondering when the doctor would come and announce that Hannah was back in her room.  Anne and Adam were there with me too.

Hannah’s mother stepped in front of me, halting my mission to wear out the floor. “Thank you, Ben.  She was damn well near catatonic when the doctor came in.”

“It’s nothing.  I meant what I said when I told her that I’d be here.”

“Are you sure that this isn’t too much for you?” she asked.

I thought about it for a split second.  “It may be hard to understand, but being here, feeling needed… I actually feel like I’m at the right place for once in far too long.”

She smiled.

I returned her gesture and reached out to rub a comforting hand on the side of her arm when Adam spoke. “Guys…?” His wife and I turned to find the doctor walking toward us.

“How is she?” Anne asked.

“She’s a little groggy, but she did great.  We’ve put her on a heavy course of antibiotics to ward off any possibility of infection and, aside from slight cramping, she should be fine.”

“What about scarring?” Anne asked.

I looked over at the woman whom Adam now had his arms firmly wrapped around.  Her sad eyes looked as if she had seen her fair share of hardships in this area.

“She’ll be fine.  We didn’t find much scarring and what’s there isn’t cause for concern.”

Hannah’s father breathed out a sigh of relief, but I noticed that her mother didn’t seem completely convinced.

“When can we see her?” I asked.

“You can all go right in if you want.  Be mindful that she really should be getting some rest.  As simple as the procedure was, she’s still healing from the accident.”

I nodded.  “Right.”

“Thank you, doctor.” Adam shook the physician’s hand.

After Hannah’s procedure, I checked up on her.  With her reassurances that she was okay, Hannah sent me off on my way, thanking me for being there.

I went back to
Fairfax
to finalize my orders and tend to a few bills that required approval and payment.  I worked on payroll, signed some cheques, and dropped them in their respective employee slots for pickup.  All this before I headed back to the hospital for the dinner I promised Hannah.

“Hey,” the woman in question said as I came in with a large brown paper bag filled with food for us.  She pushed herself to sit upright with a slight grimace.  “What have you got there?  It smells great.”

“I own a pub,” I said.  “I figured that I’d bring something from there.  After my accident, I remember the lackluster menu options and the hankering for a good burger and fries.”

Hannah laughed, but just as sudden, her face lost all of its humor. “I don’t eat meat.”

I froze at her statement.  “Oh…” Well this was awkward!

Just as my discomfort began to show on my face, Hannah burst into a belly laugh.  My eyes narrowed right then. “I’m just kidding!  It’s like you read my mind, actually.”

I shook my head at her.  I’d been had.  “I have a feeling that no one gets bored around you, do they?”

“Not that I’ve witnessed first-hand, no.”  She winced as she attempted to lean forward and pat the mattress of the bed.  “Sit.”

Instead of sitting on my usual chair, I sat at the foot of the bed, my legs crossed as if we were having a picnic.

“I wasn’t sure what you wanted on it so I brought everything on the side.” I began to pull out everything.  “So what’ll it be?”

Her eyes widened when I finished putting her burger together and handed it over.  I grabbed my ready-made one and set the container of fries with its separate containers of ketchup, mayo and one of gravy between us.

Her laugh was light.  “What, that’s it?”

“I had to cover my bases, but I can’t say that I’d be shocked that you wanted something that I-”

She put a hand on my knee. “Still kidding, Ben.  Thank you.  This is great.”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “We’ve got to eat, right?”

“So tell me about that place of yours,” she said, while lifting her burger to her mouth.