To Have and to Hold (13 page)

‘She and I were rather a couple before I began medical school,’ Paul said.

‘Well, she wouldn’t be averse to taking up again where you left off,’ Carmel said. ‘She made that patently obvious.’

Paul knew Carmel spoke the truth. His mother had actually said that she was still sweet on him and she had also said he took her outside and they came back looking dishevelled. He could remember nothing and just hoped he hadn’t gone too far with her.

‘Paul, what is it?’ Carmel said, noticing his preoccupation.

Paul made an effort to pull himself together. Carmel must never know about that. ‘Nothing,’ he said. ‘The
point is, Melissa and I were just kids then, and we both agreed we were too young. I was off to med school and she had her higher certificate to do and then was off to finishing school in Switzerland for two years.’

‘Well,’ Carmel commented drily. ‘Melissa is no longer a kid and I would say has been finished off very nicely. Now she is a very beautiful young lady who wants Dr Paul Connolly and nothing would please your mother more.’

Paul didn’t deny it. He might have done but for the words he had had with his mother that morning. He nodded his head. ‘Melissa probably did want that,’ he said. ‘And I must take some responsibility for it because I made no effort to put her straight. In fact, I played along with her so that, in all fairness, she could easily think that I was as interested as she was. As for my mother…look, Carmel, you may as well know, because I want no secrets between us. Apparently sometime yesterday evening, after you left, I agreed to go sailing today with Melissa and her family. I had no recollection of it and was in no fit state to make any sort of arrangement by then anyway.’

‘What happened?’

‘Well, I’m here, aren’t I?’

‘That isn’t what I asked.’

‘All right,’ Paul said with a sigh. ‘I had a row with my mother and refused to even think about going sailing with Melissa or anyone else. And you are right: she admitted she would like Melissa or someone like her to be my wife eventually.’

‘Did she actually say so?’

‘This morning she did,’ Paul said. ‘She has my whole
future mapped out. She wants me to marry someone like Melissa and then, when I have finished the stint at the Queen’s Hospital, she wants me in a private practice.’

‘And Melissa would be a more suitable wife for you in that sort of life,’ Carmel said. ‘She said as much to me. And how do you feel, Paul?’

‘Do you need to ask?’

‘Yes,’ Carmel said. ‘Yes, I really think I do, because this isn’t just about your mother; it is about you and being responsible for your actions and not making excuses and blaming others.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I’ll tell you what I mean,’ Carmel said. ‘You knew that I would be nervous in those surroundings. I never knew you lived in such luxury, with servants and everything.’

‘We haven’t—well, I mean, not that many servants, only a cook, a daily and a gardener. All the others were hired for the evening.’

‘Lois said that too. She was surprised the whole thing was so extravagant. I think your mother planned that to make me feel even more inadequate and I can tell you now, she succeeded.’

Paul looked sheepish. Carmel was no fool and she had just hit the nail on the head.

‘And then we went to dinner and things got worse,’ Carmel continued. ‘I hadn’t a clue what cutlery or glass to use and you knew that too. You told me to watch you and then spent almost the entire meal talking to your mother and what I saw most of the time was your back.’

Paul remembered that his mother had seemed to have a lot to talk about with him. If he did turn around to see
how Carmel was getting on, his mother would be plucking at his sleeve to bring his attention back to her, and his wine glass, he recalled, was constantly full. He faced the fact that his mother had gone out of her way to scare Carmel off and though he resented her for this, he hated himself more for not even trying to do something about it.

‘I can’t tell you how bad I feel about all this,’ Paul said. ‘To be perfectly honest, after the meal much is hazy, but I do remember when the dancing began you were sitting as far away from me as you could be. Was that Mother’s doing as well?’

‘Of course it was,’ Carmel said. ‘She was trying her best to split us up.’

‘Carmel,’ said Paul, ‘my mother said this morning that she wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t want to see me any more and now I understand why. I behaved disgracefully towards you. I promise here and now that such a thing will never happen again.’

‘No, it won’t,’ Carmel said fiercely. ‘Because I won’t go to your house again. If ever I have to meet your parents I will meet them on neutral ground somewhere.’

‘I don’t blame you at all,’ Paul said. ‘And knowing how my mother feels and what she is capable of, though I had thought I would stay at home for a little while and my mother expects it, I will go into lodgings with Chris. We’ve talked about it anyway. One thing I do know, I will not stay at home and have my mother nearly pushing me into Melissa’s arms at every opportunity.’

‘Would she still do that even if we were officially engaged?’

‘She might easily if she could convince herself that it
was for my own good,’ Paul said grimly. ‘Anyway, I am not prepared to risk it. Come on,’ he said, standing up and pulling Carmel to her feet, ‘let us away to choose the ring so that everyone knows where my heart lies.’

The ring Carmel chose, a larger diamond surrounded by a cluster of smaller ones, was not the dearest in the jeweller’s range by any means. Though it did look perfect on Carmel’s hand, the man knew many women would have gone for the most expensive, whether suitable or not. He warmed to the young and very handsome couple and he congratulated them heartily and wished them a happy marriage well blessed with children.

Carmel said nothing about this until they were aboard the train that was taking them to the huge park in Sutton Coldfield where they had decided to spend the day. Then she said, ‘Paul, you know what the jeweller said about children?’

‘Mmm,’

‘Well, the thing is, I don’t want any.’

‘I don’t either,’ Paul said. ‘Not yet, anyway.’

‘I mean not ever,’ Carmel insisted.

‘Oh, darling, ever is a long time,’ Paul said.

‘I mean it, though, Paul. I have seen enough of children to last me a lifetime and, anyway, I want to nurse.’ She bit her lip in consternation and said, ‘I just hope I won’t be expected to give it up once I am married.’

‘Why should you?’

‘Well, you know, there are stupid rules and things,’ Carmel said. ‘And Matron was far from happy when I got engaged.’

‘We’ll look into it,’ Paul promised. ‘But it would be
mad to throw out all the nurses they had spent four years training, just because they became hitched. When they start a family it might be different.’

‘That is just what I mean. And that might happen to me unless we do something about it, and that is down to you really.’

‘You know what you are asking?’

‘Of course I know, and that does concern me because it is totally against what the Catholic Church teaches. Does that worry you?’

‘Not unduly,’ Paul had to admit. ‘I mean, what does a celibate priest know about the sins and temptations of the flesh? Don’t fret yourself, Carmel. I will see to this and there will be no children until you give the word. Tell you the truth, I can take or leave children. It is you I want to marry, you I love, and we will play this whichever way you want to.’

Was there ever such a man? Carmel asked herself. People so selfless were few and far between, be they man or woman, and she knew that she had found herself a gem in Paul.

When they alighted from the train, Paul first took Carmel for some lunch at the edge of the town, not far from one of the park’s many entrances. She was almost too nervous and excited to do the meal justice, but Paul more than made up for it.

‘First thing I have been able to stomach today,’ he said. ‘I don’t usually get into a state like I did last night, you know. It isn’t normal behaviour.’

‘I know that,’ Carmel said. ‘Don’t worry about it now. We have discussed it and needn’t ever refer to it again.’

‘I don’t intend to,’ said Paul. ‘Except to say that it would have been far better all round to have defied my mother and introduced you as my intended, my fiancée, where you would have taken your rightful place at my side, where you will be from now on, never fear.’

‘I don’t fear, Paul,’ Carmel said reassuringly. ‘In fact I fear nothing. The future looks rosy from where I am sitting.’

‘Well, let’s take a gander through the park and see what it looks like from there,’ Paul said. ‘Have you ever been?’

Carmel shook her head. ‘The others have. Lois said it is massive and there are roads running through it. You can take a car in and most people have to pay.’

‘That’s right,’ Paul said. ‘Everyone has to pay unless you live in Sutton Coldfield, as I do, and then you get a pass.’

‘I have never heard of paying to get into a park,’ Carmel said.

‘You will probably have never seen a place like this,’ Paul maintained. ‘Wait and see.’

Paul was right. Although roads did wind around the park, it was big enough for he and Carmel to be able to find secluded areas. They walked along woodland paths, where the fallen leaves rustled beneath their feet and those still on the trees were painted in wonderous shades of brown and orange. Sometimes, they came to the edge of the woodland and before them there was pasture land. Carmel was surprised to see cows gazing, watching them pass with doe-like eyes. She asked Paul about it.

‘The park was given to the people of Sutton Coldfield
by Henry the Eighth,’ Paul explained. ‘I don’t know if you learned about the chap in Ireland.’

Carmel shook her head. She had learned only Irish history at school. She had been born in 1913 and by the time she was ready for school, ‘The Troubles’, forerunner of the Civil War, was raging through the land and everything Irish was the rule in the schools.

‘Well,’ Paul went on, ‘when, under Catholic law, Henry wasn’t allowed to marry his second wife while his first was alive, he divorced the first woman and set up his own religion where divorce was allowed. Kings could do that then. Anyway, one good thing he did do was to give this enormous tract of land to the people of Sutton with permission for certain farmers to graze their cattle on it.’

‘It’s nice to see them,’ Carmel said. ‘I always had a soft spot for cows. I like the sound of water too.’

Nowhere in the park was far away from streams and rivulets, chuckling and rippling across their stony beds on their way to feed the five large lakes. When they came upon the first one, Carmel gasped in pleasure.

Paul pulled her down on a grassy incline. ‘God, I am melting,’ he said, taking off his jacket and pulling off his tie, which he stuffed in his pocket. ‘Aren’t you?

Carmel giggled. ‘I know you’re hot,’ she said. ‘Your face is the colour of a tomato. I’m not bad—my clothes are lighter than yours anyway—but if we are to sit here for a while, I will take off my jacket.’

Paul helped her and then, throwing her jacket to one side, he pushed Carmel back on the grass. ‘Oh, Carmel, I love you so much,’ he said, his voice husky with desire.

Carmel wriggled beside him with pleasure and
returned his kisses unreservedly. She had wondered if, now they were properly engaged with a ring to seal it, Paul might want to move their fairly chaste courtship up a notch and didn’t know how she would react, how she
should
react, if he did that. No one ever talked about that side of things. All her mother had ever told her was, ‘Be a good girl and respect yourself, for if you don’t no man will respect you.’

So what should a girl do when she is lying on the grass beside a man she loves more than life itself and tingling with desire? And then Carmel stopped trying to analyse it and gave herself up to the pleasure of kissing and caressing Paul.

Paul very much wanted to make love to his wonderful, luscious Carmel. The longing for her was pounding through his veins. He had had quite a few sexual encounters, even with Melissa, who had enjoyed sex quite as much as he had, but he knew with Carmel it would be different and he decided to take his time. He sensed the passion in her and he guessed eventually she would be as eager as he was to consummate their relationship. Until then, he decided, he would have patience, knowing that it would be all the sweeter for the wait.

And so he did nothing to alarm Carmel, and she felt the tension ease in him and began to relax herself. She knew, despite her naïvety in these matters, that though they lay for some time entwined together kissing and embracing, Paul would ask no more than this, although she had no idea what it cost him to put such a brake on his feelings.

Many hours later, after a sumptuous tea, they took the train to New Street Station, walked from there through
the balmy streets, and Carmel couldn’t remember a time when she had felt so happy. When they reached the door of the nurses’ home, Paul drew Carmel into his arms and held her tight as his lips descended on hers and she was transported to paradise.

All too soon it was over and she was the other side of the door. She had a sense of unreality as she sort of floated up to her room.

Inside, though all were agog to see the ring, Lois had news of her own. She too had a ring adorning her left finger because she had become engaged to Chris that day. The two girls hugged each other in shared delight.

Jeff Connolly was feeling very mellow. They had had a lovely day sailing the coast with the Chisholms. Pity that Melissa had got in a sulk about something or other. In fact, none of the woman had been right, except Melissa’s younger sister, Kate, and she had been like the cat with the cream, as if she was pleased about whatever it was troubling her sister. Maybe they had had a row, for whatever it was affected the mother too, and even Emma was a bit scratchy.

When Emma had told him that morning that Paul wouldn’t be joining them, Jeff hadn’t been surprised. Paul had told him early the previous evening that Carmel had the whole day off and they intending buying the ring.

‘Last night he promised to come sailing with us,’ she said, tight-lipped.

‘Did he?’ Jeff asked in surprise. ‘If he did, I doubt he would have remembered it. In fact, I have very little knowledge of anything much myself after the meal, especially after we all cut big holes in the brandy bottles. You could have told me I had signed my own death warrant
and I still wouldn’t have any sort of recall about it. I do remember Paul being in the same state as myself or worse, and a promise from a drunken man is no promise at all. Before the party, when he was stone-cold sober, he told me he was off to buy the ring today to make it official with the wee nurse he is so fond of.’

‘That is the problem.’

‘What is?’ Jeff asked, perplexed.

‘Oh! Men!’ Emma shrieked, almost beside herself with frustration. ‘What on earth is the use of talking to them? They understand nothing of any importance.’

After that, the atmosphere was strained, to say the least, and within minutes of meeting the Chisholms, Jeff realised Charlie Chisholm was having similar trouble with his own womenfolk.

‘What’s up?’ he asked as he and Charlie loaded the car.

Charlie spread his arms and gave a shrug. ‘How would I, a mere man, know what goes on in a woman’s head?’ he asked with a sardonic grin. ‘All I know is that if I am not very careful, it will somehow turn out to be my fault. And I will tell you this, Jeff, with this little lot, if you upset one then you upset them all. I keep my head down and my mouth shut, and I am bloody glad that you are coming along today or it would have been damned miserable. I tell you, man, you don’t know you are born with sons.’

Jeff had thought so too, but now he looked at one of those sons, standing glowering before him, and wondered what had put him in such a tear. Jeff and Charlie had been drinking most of the day on and off, and when they arrived home, the cook had a marvellous dinner waiting, which just screamed for plenty of wine to wash it down.
He had been glad when Emma declared she was off to bed straight after dinner. He valued time to himself, and he was into his second brandy when Paul came in and demanded to know what he was playing at.

‘In what connection?’ Jeff asked mildly. ‘Why don’t you help yourself to a brandy and sit down and we will talk about this?’

Paul did as his father suggested and then said, ‘Mother said you had been finding out about a private practice for me.’

‘Your mother said that is what you wanted,’ Jeff said. ‘I was just doing what I was told. I was surprised, knowing your politics and social conscience, but I thought you were examining all the options.’

‘And you had no idea that Mother thinks I should marry Melissa or someone like her, who would make a more suitable wife for me?’

‘I had no idea at all,’ said Jeff grimly. Suddenly he knew that Paul’s party, which had been ostentatious enough to make even him feel uncomfortable, would have made Carmel feel really out of place, and that that had been Emma’s intention. No wonder the girl had often looked downright miserable. And then eliciting a promise from her drunken son, when she knew he had already made arrangements of his own, was a despicable thing to do.

However, Emma’s scheme to throw Melissa in his son’s path had gone awry. Charlie Chisholm’s wife, Millicent, and his elder daughter had spent the day sulking about it and only Kate, always jealous of Paul’s obvious preference for her sister, had been pleased he hadn’t turned up after all.

Jeff glanced across at his son and said, ‘I’ll tell you the right sort of wife to have: one that loves you, heart, body and soul, and one that you love the same way. Love like that will stand against all of life’s knocks and I think that the right wife for you is that wee nurse. I would feel less for you if you were to throw her over for Melissa, or anyone else you might have a passing fancy for.’

‘I have no passing fancy for anyone and I love Carmel so much it hurts,’ Paul confessed. ‘Today, as I told you, I have bought her a ring and you can tell Mother she can announce it to anyone she likes, but there is to be no party. It will only be another occasion to belittle and humiliate Carmel. Anyway,’ he went on, ‘after Mother’s behaviour, which I feel is unforgivable, I will be moving out as soon as possible into lodgings with Chris for the time being.’

‘I do understand how you feel, son, don’t think I don’t,’ Jeff said. ‘But this will cut your mother to the quick. She thought she would have you home for a good few months.’

Paul gave a humourless laugh. ‘Huh, course she did, so that she can work on me and see if she can turn me from Carmel and mould me into the kind of doctor son she wants,’ Paul said with a trace of bitterness. ‘With the wife she has had a hand in choosing. No thanks, Dad. She has cooked her own goose and only has herself to blame. My mind is made up.’

Jeff saw there was nothing more to say. His son was a man and he had made a man’s decision. He clapped him on the shoulder. ‘Never tell your mother,’ he said, ‘but I am proud of you and, all things considered, think you are doing the right thing. Your mother won’t see it
in the same light, but for what it’s worth, you have my blessing.’

‘It’s worth a great deal, Dad,’ Paul said, extending his hand to his father. ‘Thanks.’

Jeff grasped Paul’s hand and the two shook in mutual respect.

Emma was dismayed when Paul told her the next day that he was engaged to Carmel.

‘I suggest you hotfoot it over to Melissa and tell her and any other young ladies who might have thought I was available,’ Paul told her almost coldly. ‘Whatever happened at that party, I am now spoken for, well and truly.’

Emma recovered herself. The man wasn’t married yet and couldn’t marry for some time, for he had told his father they were waiting until Carmel qualified. Before then Emma would make sure Carmel would be made well aware of her shortcomings as the proposed wife of an up-and-coming doctor at the lavish engagement party she would organise.

Paul, watching his mother’s face, could guess her thoughts and before she could give voice to them, he said, ‘There will be no engagement party, which will only be an excuse for you to try and humiliate Carmel, as you did on the last occasion that she was in the house.’

‘Paul, I—;’

‘Don’t give me innocence and excuses,’ Paul said. ‘I know you too well, Mother, and now I know what you are capable of I feel I cannot stay on here as we planned. I intend to move out as soon as I can.’

The blood drained from Emma’s face. Paul was her
darling, favourite son. ‘You…you can’t do this, Paul,’ she pleaded, her hand to her throat.

Paul had usually given in to Emma’s wishes in the past. He had always been a compliant boy who hated unpleasantness, but now there was Carmel to consider. Remembering her hurt and slightly reproachful eyes on him as she recounted the events at the party that he knew his mother had engineered much of, he hardened his heart.

‘I’m sorry, Mother, but I can,’ he said. ‘It is best in the long run, because I know how you feel about Carmel and so does she. She has no real desire to come here again and so getting my own place makes a great deal of sense.’

Emma, knowing her elder son’s soft centre, tried again. ‘Paul, you will break my heart if you leave.’

‘And Carmel’s if I stay,’ Paul said. ‘Don’t worry, Mother. Your heart is safe. Hearts are not that easy to break.’

‘Paul, what has got into you?’ Emma pleaded.

‘Nothing has “got into me”, Mother,’ Paul said. ‘But my mind is made up.’

Emma saw the lift of his chin and knew she had lost him to Carmel Duffy. Suddenly she was very angry. She’d had Paul’s life planned out from when he was a little boy, certain that she would always be able to influence him to her way of thinking.

Her eyes filled with malice and discontent, her mouth set in a sneer and her voice was clipped as she spat out, ‘Well then, go. Stay grubbing about in a voluntary hospital all the days of your life and living hand-to-mouth in some slum, which is probably only what Carmel is
used to anyway. But if you insist upon this course of action, you’ll not get a penny piece from us.’

‘I don’t want it,’ Paul said. ‘I am grateful that you sponsored me through medical school, but any financial contributions seem to be given with conditions and I could never meet those.’

Emma watched Paul stride from the room, his back straight and his head held high. Then, as the door closed behind him, just as suddenly as her anger had flared in her it extinguished itself, leaving her with just an unbearable sadness, a feeling that something had been broken, maybe irretrievably, and she sank onto the settee in tears.

Paul never told Carmel of this conversation with his mother, nor of the strained atmosphere in the house. A couple of evenings later, the family had sat around a tense dinner where Emma’s words to anyone, if she had to speak at all, dropped from her mouth like chips of ice.

Matthew, now back from the Sorbonne and waiting to start at the factory with his father in a few days’ time, said afterwards to Paul, ‘What the hell have you done or said to upset Mother? Whatever it is, fix it, for God’s sake. She is like a bear with a sore head and Dad is bearing the brunt of it.’

‘I know and I do feel sorry for Dad, but there is nothing I can do,’ Paul said. ‘This is all because I have told Mother that I am moving out instead of staying here, as planned.’

‘Well, you knew that wouldn’t suit, didn’t you?’ Matthew said sneeringly. ‘Seeing as our dear mama thinks the sun shines out of your arse.’

‘Don’t be so coarse.’

‘Mind you,’ Matthew went on, don’t blame you wanting your own pad. That ring might choose to be an investment after all. Everyone knows about nurses and about how they can’t get enough of it. I bet your Carmel is a right little goer.’

‘Look, I told you at the party, mind your own business.’

Matthew just laughed. ‘I am only jealous,’ he said. ‘God, if you were determined to tie yourself down, you could do worse than latch up with Carmel. She is a stunner.’

‘Glad you approve,’ Paul commented drily. ‘You can admire from a distance, but don’t you dare lay a hand on her.’

‘’S all right,’ Matthew said. ‘She’s not that keen on me, I think. Likes the old man, though, and he likes her well enough too, but that, of course, doesn’t go down too well with the old mater either.’

It didn’t at all. That night Emma accused Jeff of being all for the match and when he said he couldn’t see much wrong with the girl and he refused to see Paul to try to ‘talk some sense into him’, Emma flew into such a rage that he was given the silent treatment and banished to the guest bedroom.

Carmel knew none of this. She had worries of her own and these were down to her work on the wards. She was now in her third year and expected to deal more personally with the patients. She learned among other things, to treat infected wounds using sulphonamide cream spread on rolls of lint. She was also shown how to give
intramuscular injections into the thigh, administer a bladder wash out, and chest drainage, and how to insert a Ryles stomach tube.

‘It isn’t that I don’t know how to do all these things,’ she complained to Lois. ‘I mean, I do it, and right most of the time. But it is remembering it all step by step and explaining it in an exam that I am worried about.’

‘I know just what you mean,’ Lois said. ‘When you are in the throes of anything that you are doing like that, you do it as if it is second nature because you have to. It isn’t something you think about or take a study of. And you know what else bothers me? You said you do it right most of the time and so do I. Say we pass our exams and we are let us loose on the wards afterwards, we can’t afford to make mistakes because we are dealing with people’s lives.’

‘I know. Scary, isn’t it?’

‘Not half,’ Lois said fervently. ‘And I really wish that we hadn’t got to do nights in the new year. I think I need more practice on the wards with wide-awake patients needing treatment.’

‘Me too,’ Carmel agreed glumly ‘And then, of course, we will never have a hope in hell’s chance of seeing either Paul or Chris.’

‘No change there then,’ said Lois, because the scant time the men had off seldom coincided with the girls’. They both said they would be more fed up with this if they hadn’t each other for company, for as nice and understanding as Jane and Sylvia tried to be, they weren’t experiencing such frustrations on a day-to-day basis as Carmel and Lois. Their boyfriends worked more normal hours and they could nearly always see them in their free time.

Carmel often used free time to practise dance steps. She had thrown herself into ballroom dancing as soon as Lois’s father had arrived with the gramophone and stack of records a week or so after the awful party.

‘There are five main dances,’ Lois had said that first day, as she wound up the gramophone. ‘And they are the slow waltz, the viennese waltz, the foxtrot, the tango and the quickstep. There are lots more, of course, as well as the young people’s dances my sister, Susan, taught me, like the shimmy, the black bottom and the charleston. They’re great fun. We used to dance them in the bedroom on the quiet because Mother, of course, didn’t approve, but the ballroom dances will do for now. We will have a go at the slow waltz first because it is the easiest and we won’t progress to something else until you feel confident about that. All right?’

Carmel had nodded eagerly and seconds later the haunting music of Strauss filled the air.

Carmel was used to listening to and moving with music and she was also agile and keen to learn, so she proved a natural-born dancer.