To Live (11 page)

"Ready?" he asked, grabbing hold of her legs and sliding her toward him.

Kelsey blinked in answer.
Stop talking and take me already
, she screamed inside her head.

But he took his time. He lowered himself on top of her and kissed her again, while his hands explored her naked body. They were so hot against her skin. He moved his mouth from hers to the hollow of her neck, inhaling deeply before moving lower and flicking each of her nipples with his tongue. In response, they became even harder, and more tender. Shaun enveloped one with his mouth, sending endless waves of pleasure through her. He sucked on it, and tugged gently as if it were a cherry ripe for picking.

Kelsey arched her back and moaned when a ripple of ecstasy spiraled from her nipple, down her stomach, and came to rest between her legs. She couldn't bear it any longer. A few more seconds of him not being inside her and she would burst. She wanted to shout out in frustration.

"Fuck me," she said. "I want you inside me." That was a lie. She didn't want him; she needed him. She'd trade her next breath to feel him inside her.

He lifted his head and grinned. "Don't worry, Kelsey. I'll fuck you. But I'll take my time. I want to taste you first." He moved on to the other nipple and sucked it so hard she squealed.

His tongue moved down her stomach, and he kissed her bellybutton.

Kelsey started breathing hard as he moved lower, lower, lower. Then something firm and soft pushed itself into her, and she closed her eyes and arched her back.

Shaun pushed and removed his tongue from her in the same rhythmic motion he had used with his fingers. He pushed it in deeper and Kelsey clutched his thick hair between her fists, pushing him even further into her. He stopped and sucked on her clit, then slid all the way back up her body.

He moved his face close to her ear. "Open your eyes, Kelsey. I want you to look at me when I fuck you."

Kelsey did as she was told.

Shaun's eyes darkened to the color of the sky before a thunderstorm. He slipped one of his hands under the nape of her neck, holding her firmly, and with the other he reached down.

Any moment now it would happen. She would have sex with Shaun, and she was ready.

Still gazing into her eyes, he took a deep breath and pierced her, tearing her apart, unraveling her, shattering any remnants of the doubts she might still have had. He plunged in again and pressed himself hard into her, grinding from side to side as though he was trying to make himself fit inside, despite having already filled her completely.

With each movement, a million stars burst before Kelsey's eyes.

Grunting, Shaun gripped her shoulder and slammed into her harder, deeper, faster, until she almost forgot how to breathe.

When he slowed down, Kelsey found her breath and wrapped her legs tighter around him, pulling him deeper. She wanted to get as much out of the night as she could. She would take as much of him as she had the right to.

Shaun buried his face in the side of her neck and whispered between his heavy breathing, "hold on tight."

Kelsey held on to his solid arms and braced herself.

Shaun pulled out completely but his tip still touched her. Then he let out a deafening groan and slammed into her again so hard she screeched. He did it again and she screamed even louder, the sound rubbing her throat raw.

This time there was no slowing down. Shaun pressed his lips against her mouth, swallowing her screams as he pushed her closer and closer to the edge of desire. With a moan, he jumped over it with her until they were both falling, falling, until they exploded in mid-air.

He pulled his lips from hers and laid his head next to hers, their sweat mingling.

As he throbbed inside her, Kelsey knew without a doubt this was the best sex of her life. Now that he had ripped her apart, how would she hold all the pieces together? He wouldn't be there to fix her.

"How's that for a Christmas present?" Shaun asked, panting.

"The best I've ever had," Kelsey said honestly.

They didn't stop at the kitchen table. Shaun had meant it when he'd said he wanted her to be his for the night. He took her on a journey around the cottage. They made love in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, in the bathroom, and finally in her bed.

"I have something to admit." Shaun stretched along the length of the bed, after he'd had a chance to recover. "The many women everyone in town thinks I've slept with don't end up in my bed, and I don't end up in theirs. I've been interviewing them for my book." He paused and turned to look at her. "I used to be that kind of man, the one who slept with a lot of women, but that life is behind me. I still stay away from relationships, but I don't lust after every woman I see."

Kelsey sighed with silent relief. So he wasn't a womanizer, after all. Not that it mattered, since their time together was pretty much over already. But still. She pulled herself up on one elbow, the bed sheet falling to reveal her breasts. "Why do you let people think you are a womanizer?"

"I've learned one thing in life. People choose to hear what they want to hear. And they'll talk, no matter what you do or don't do." He flipped onto his stomach and rested his face on his hands.

Kelsey inched closer to him, wanting to savor the last moments they had together, wishing she could make the night a few hours longer. She let her eyes rove over his body. "Wow, that's one big tattoo," she said, and kissed the sword that stretched along one side of his back, and then ran the tip of her finger along its blade. She remembered looking at it from a distance, the first day she saw him.

Shaun flinched and turned back onto his back. "Don't... don't touch." His tone was suddenly steely.

Kelsey backed away, but said, "it didn't feel smooth as if... Did you get it to cover up a scar or something? It felt like one underneath."

Shaun clasped his hands behind his neck and his face turned to stone. "It's nothing. Just forget about it."

"Did you have an operation, or an accident?" She had no right to ask him these questions, but she couldn't hold her tongue.

"I'd rather not talk about it. Please let it go. Why does it matter so much to you?"

"I don't know why you're being like this." Kelsey bit back tears. "I know this is a one-night thing and there will be nothing more between us, but you've been a good friend to me. I care. I think you distance yourself from people to avoid getting hurt. What happened to you, Shaun? I think you're hiding something. Something happened that scarred you."

Shaun climbed out of bed and picked up one of the towels from the floor. Wrapping it around his waist, he looked her straight in the eyes, silver lightning flashing in his. "Don't try to analyze me, Kelsey. Don't try to fix me. Don't try to make tonight more than what we agreed it would be." He ran a hand through his damp hair, the hair she'd massaged shampoo into an hour ago in the shower. "I had a great time. It was fuckin' great, but it can't be more. We can't be more."

Kelsey sat up in bed, the crumpled bed sheet falling around her in waves. "Why?" She'd convinced herself she could have no-strings-attached sex with him and move on as if nothing happened. But   she had been unprepared for the emotions he'd unleashed from within her, the life he had breathed into her. In one night, he'd made her feel more alive than any man ever had, even her first love. She needed to understand why they couldn't be more, so she could move on.

Shaun's gaze didn't waver. "If you want more than this from me, you'll get hurt." He shut his eyes for a long time. When he opened them again, they were like deep, dark, empty holes. "I don't do more." He unraveled the towel and tossed it on the bed. Then he pulled on his jeans and shirt.

"Fine." Kelsey swallowed the lump lodged inside her throat.

"I have to go." Shaun strode to the door, but then stopped and turned. "Fine," he said. "You know what? If you really want to know, I'll tell you. I killed someone." His voice was raw and drenched in pain. "That's what made me the person I am today."

He opened the door and left, leaving Kelsey gaping at the door.

She didn't move until thirty minutes later, when she heard his truck grunt to life outside, moments before it went roaring down the street.

Chapter Fourteen

Kelsey was still in a daze when she woke up in the morning, and the aches in her body reminded her of what had happened last night. But she looked past the earth-shattering sex and focused instead on what Shaun had told her. Did he just admit to being a killer? No, it couldn't be true. Maybe he’d been joking. He had to be. Maybe later in the day he'd knock on her door and tell her it was all a tasteless joke. Until then, she'd clean her cottage and do laundry, to keep her mind off it all.

As she shoved clothes into the washing machine, she remembered the look in his eyes when he'd told her. Fear, regret, pain. He had meant every word, whether she chose to believe it or not. She had slept with a man who was responsible for someone's death.

She closed the washing machine door and reached for the washing powder, shaking her head. There had to be some kind of explanation, and she wished she could find out what it was. She wanted to understand him. Except he'd made it clear she should mind her own business. She'd try to respect that, but she wasn't sure how long she could.

Kelsey had just turned on the machine and made herself a cup of tea when the phone shrilled. She jumped and almost spilled the hot tea all over herself. Placing the cup on the table, she rushed to the phone, her heart pounding. It could be Shaun, ready to tell her everything. Her heart squeezed when she heard Maeve's voice on the other end. She demanded Kelsey tell her what happened between her and the mystery man after they left the Christmas party.

"We just talked and watched a movie," Kelsey lied. She wanted to keep the beautiful moment she’d experienced with Shaun to herself, for now.

"That's great." Maeve was breathless, as if it was the best news she'd heard in a long time. "Did he tell you what he's hiding from the rest of us?"

Kelsey pursed her lips. She hated lying to Maeve, but what Shaun had told her was too huge to share with the whole of Dreara. And Maeve would find it way too juicy to keep to herself. "We talked about life. Nothing important. Nothing personal."

"Seriously, Kelsey? You get that close to the man, and you don't get him to open up to you, or at least open his pants? Shame on you."

Kelsey laughed. "You're bad, Maeve, very bad. Look, I have to go. Let's go see a movie tomorrow."

"Sure. Take care, love."

Kelsey hung up and sighed deeply. What would she do? She couldn't talk about Shaun's secret with anyone.

The rest of the day, Kelsey managed to do two loads of laundry, clean the whole cottage, and even did some ironing. With each passing hour, her hopes that Shaun would show up diminished. His truck was still gone when night fell, so she quit waiting and went to The Hot Pot for dinner.

***

Shaun jolted up in bed, heart thumping so hard one would think it was determined to crack its way through his chest. The old reoccurring nightmare had returned after weeks of peace.

"Fuck." He swiped the sweat off his brow, then flicked on the light. As he studied his hands, he swore he could still see the palms stained red, covered with blood from her gushing wound. The metallic smell of fresh blood mixed with her perfume, and the stench hung in the air, thick and heavy, making him want to gag. Rubbing his thumb and index finger together, he still felt the slippage caused by the red liquid between them. Heart racing, he swung his legs out of bed and flinched at the pain along the side of his back, just as real now as the day the sharp metal had sliced into his flesh. He gritted his teeth and gasped for air as he stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the faucet, keeping his eyes from the mirror, refusing to see the reflection of his blood-stained past. With soap and hot water, he scrubbed his hands until they were raw. But it was futile. No amount of scrubbing could cleanse him of his sin, so he gave up and rested his hands on both sides of the cool basin.
Breathe, just breathe
, he told himself.
Take it one step at a time
.

Once his heart rate had slowed, he contemplated returning to bed. The clock on the bedside table had blinked 3 a.m., and he needed his sleep. But bed was the last place he wanted to be. The demons would be waiting for him there, hovering over him patiently, waiting to remind him of what he'd done.

To hell with it. He'd stay awake. Shame he couldn't go for a swim. Though he was tempted, he'd be a fool to swim in the ocean in the dead of winter. A walk on the beach would have to do. He pulled on a thick pullover that hung on a chair by the bed and less than a minute later, he slipped out the back door and disappeared into the moonlit night.

It was all a dream
, he repeated to himself as he stumbled along the beach like a drunkard. The blood wasn't real, and the pain on his back—the part covered by the tattoo—was just his mind playing tricks on him. He'd had the tattoo done a year after it had happened, to cover up the angry scar that had been a constant reminder of the past.

Finally, he stopped walking, lowered himself onto the cold sand, and dropped his pounding head into his hands. He stayed that way as he listened to the waves crashing and sweeping the shore while the cold night air ruffled his hair and chilled his scalp. He'd stay for a while. Then he'd return to the cottage to do some more writing. That should hopefully calm him down.

Writing had kept him going during the tough times. He'd written his first book while in prison, and his brother Dustin had sent it to a literary agent friend. By the time Shaun was released, the novel, which he'd written under a pseudonym, was a bestseller, and he used the money he'd earned in royalties to spend his first year as a free man to travel around the world. He made his family believe he was enjoying his freedom, but the truth was, he couldn't return to Serendipity. There were constant reminders there of what he'd done. Instead he ran away from the past. And when he needed to forget, there had been women and alcohol. And swimming.