To Love and to Cherish (3 page)

At seventeen, Josiah wasn’t old enough to run a farm by himself, but another set of hands and feet would help. Emma met Luke’s gaze. He nodded. “He’ll have to be told,” Luke said. “He’ll need to come home. Maybe this will…”

Luke didn’t finish the sentence, but Emma finished his thought in her head. Maybe this would make Josiah see how important it was to end his
rumspringa
and be baptized. When the first year passed and he made no move to go to the baptism classes, they’d all been surprised. When he’d taken up with a New Order Mennonite family in Wichita, Emma’s parents had been devastated. Now they were gone and Josiah would never be able to make it right with them.

Thomas shifted in his chair, his long legs sticking out almost to the sofa. “Josiah must be told. Now.” His brow furrowed. “Tonight. If the things I hear are true, he’s far into the fancy ways. He could see the story on the television. That’s no way for him to learn of your parents’ passing.”

Luke stood. “I’ll make the decision on the…other matters…when I return.” He brushed past Emma and headed to the door. “I have to get him back here in time for the funeral.”

“I’m going with you.” Emma couldn’t let Luke bear this burden alone. “He’s my brother, too.”

L
uke hired his Englisch friend Michael to drive them to Wichita. Emma sank down into the soft upholstery of the backseat. It felt like a cocoon that kept her safe from the world streaking outside the windows. Darkness cloaked the car so she couldn’t see the passing scenery, but the rushing of the air outside made her feel as if she were flying.

As a child, she’d loved the outings her parents had planned that involved hiring a car. The trip to the Wichita zoo. Visits to friends who’d left to start new districts. Eating chicken fried steak and French fries in a restaurant. And now this new memory, riding into unfamiliar territory to tell her little brother their parents were gone.

And what would Josiah say? A conversation with Mudder replayed in Emma’s head. Her mother had blamed herself for Josiah’s prolonged running around. He should never have been allowed to go to Wichita. Of all the Shirack children, his will had been hardest to break from the time he was small and refused to sit still for the prayer before meals. At seventeen, he chose to stay with a Mennonite family that had abandoned many of the Plain ways in favor of the more relaxed New Order. She had worried he would find those ways alluring.

Emma’s mind whirled round and around. Josiah would find his way back. He tested boundaries, but he had a passion for his faith. His heart
was good. Miriam Yonkers, the girl he had courted before moving away, still waited patiently for him. The image of Miriam’s bright face, with its freckles and brown eyes, warmed Emma’s heart. The girl came from a conservative family. She worked hard at her father’s harness shop, was steadfast in her faith, and committed in her feelings for Josiah. And she had a lovely laugh. He would want to come back to her.

A small sniff in the darkness broke the silence. Ragged breathing told her Luke was trying to stifle the tears. “Luke?”

“I’m fine.”

She let her hand creep toward his. He grasped it, held tight for a second, then let go.

She swallowed the hard lump in her throat. “Did you mean what you said to the farmer?”

“I always mean what I say.” His hoarse voice quivered. “It was an accident.”

She knew that. Still, bitterness and anger wrapped around her heart. She didn’t know how to make it dissolve into the lovely grace of sweet Jesus that she’d been brought up to believe in. “Knowing the right thing to do or say is different from being able to believe it.”

“You don’t believe Mr. Cramer deserves our forgiveness just as we’ve been forgiven?”

She closed her eyes, put both hands to her face, and listened to the rushing air. “Jah, but I can’t find it in my heart.”

“Look harder.”

Luke was disappointed in her. The thought rankled. She dropped her hands. “When Carl left, I was so angry. It’s been four years and sometimes, I’m still angry,” she whispered. “I think I have a hard heart.”

“You have a generous, loving heart. Carl made a choice that hurt you, but more than that, it hurt him. Do you ever think of what his life is like away from his family and our community?”

“Jah. I also think of what we would’ve had. A marriage. Children.” She bit her lip and focused on the dark windows through which she could see nothing except an occasionally bouncing light. “This morning, I was listening to the twins laugh and I caught myself wishing
they were my children, pretending they were mine. You don’t think…I mean, now I will raise them.”

The painful confession hung in the air. She waited, eyes closed, listening to her brother’s jerky breathing. Finally, he cleared his throat. “I’m a simple man, not the smartest man, but I think God is a loving God. He is far too wise to do that. You’ll keep teaching. Leah and I will raise the girls.”

The words inside her head ached to get out. That wasn’t fair. They had two boys already. She had no children of her own. She stayed quiet. Giving the girls a good and faithful home and family life—that was the goal. Not being fair.

Teaching made her happy. Maybe that was God’s plan all along.

She couldn’t help it. “Now the happiness is gone again,” she whispered.

Her brother sighed. “We will be happy again.”

“It doesn’t feel that way.” She nibbled at her bottom lip, trying not to cry. “I don’t understand. Our family has been faithful to God all our lives. Mudder and Daed were faithful. Why didn’t He protect them?”

Luke didn’t answer for a long time. “Like I said, I’m not that wise. Daed would have been able to answer.”

“Daed would’ve said it’s not up to us to know God’s plan, only to believe that He has one. His will be done, not ours.”

“See, you already knew the answer.”

Feeling like a small, stubborn child, Emma folded her arms. “The problem is I don’t like the answer.”

This time Luke didn’t respond. She was making him feel worse with her rebellious attitude. “I’m sorry,
bruder
,” she whispered.

Sorry she couldn’t be stronger in her faith.

“Me, too.” His whisper matched her trembling tone.

The car stopped at a flashing red light.

“We’re almost there.” Michael’s voice rasped with fatigue. “I just wanted to give you some forewarning, so you might think about what you’ll say.”

Luke shifted on the seat next to her. “I know what I’ll say.”

His callused hand patted hers and withdrew. The small gesture almost undid her. He might be disappointed by her difficulty with forgiveness, but his love remained unconditional. She drew strength from the thought.

Several minutes later, Michael pulled up next to the curb. He turned off the car. Sudden silence broken only by the
tick, tick
of the hot engine enveloped them. A stark streetlight threw rays that bounced against an oak tree in the front yard of a red brick house. Michael turned in the seat. “I’ll wait here for you.”

Determined to get it over with, Emma beat Luke to the door. She knocked with a sharp rap. Luke shook his head and pointed. A doorbell. “Oh.” She pressed and a muffled melody rippled on the other side of the door.

A few seconds passed, each one longer than the last. Finally, the door opened. Sarah Kauffman, her face full of surprise, stood there staring. Emma stared, too. The girl wore shorts, a sleeveless T-shirt, and purple plastic flip-flops. Only the
kapp
that slid halfway down her head, long hair spilling out of it, suggested she wasn’t entirely Englisch. “Emma, Luke, what are you doing here? Joe didn’t say you were coming.”

Joe? “We need to speak to Josiah.”

Emma saw the moment when the teenager realized their presence could only mean something bad had happened. Her smile crumpled and she hurriedly backed away from the door. “Right. I’m sorry. Come in. Please come in.” She gestured to the living room. “I’ll get him.”

Emma followed Luke into the room and immediately moved to the sofa, but Luke remained standing, his big hands slack at his side. From time to time they curled into fists. He immediately shook his fingers out again. “Luke, do you want me—”

He shook his head, his gaze still on the hallway through which Sarah had disappeared.

The slam of a door and feet pounding on the wooden floor told Emma that Josiah had received the message. His face red under a mop of unruly brown hair, he stomped into the room. He wore shorts and a white T-shirt and carried a shiny, flat box in his hand that had wires
that went to his ear. Emma barely recognized him as her little brother. Not so little. He’d grown in the six months since he’d turned seventeen. “I’m not going home.”

Even his voice had changed. Deeper with a slight edge that said Josiah intended to fight.

Tugging the wire from one ear, he halted at the edge of the huge braided rug as if it were a fence between them. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I’m not going back.”

“Josiah…” Luke moved toward the sofa. “Sit down.”

“Why is Emma here? Why did Daed send you? Why didn’t he come?”

Luke’s face broke Emma’s heart. He cleared his throat. “There was an accident.”

After that Emma ceased to hear his words. She could only see Josiah’s face as the would-be man crumbled, leaving behind a little boy too shocked to speak. He shook his head. She knew exactly the feeling in the pit of his stomach and the throbbing ache where his heart had been. She stood and went to him and held out her arms. He walked into the hug, but his wiry body didn’t relax against her. He stepped back, brown eyes wet with unshed tears. “I’ll pack.”

“Good. We have to get back. Tomorrow there will be so much to do.”

Josiah nodded and whirled to go. At the doorway, he turned back again. “I’ll go, but I’m not staying.”

M
udder and Daed had spent their last night in their family home. Emma’s back ached from sitting up straight on the crowded bench, and her fingers hurt from twisting them in her lap. The bishop had been speaking for almost an hour. It would be over soon. Annie’s soft sniff told Emma her sister had given in to the tears. Catherine, seated on the other side, hadn’t made a sound through the entire funeral service. The twins looked half asleep. Emma nudged Catherine, who immediately tapped Lillie’s arm. The little girl straightened and giggled, the sound light in the heavy air.

Frowning, Leah leaned past Miriam, who sat between them, tilted her head toward Emma, and shook it vigorously. As if Emma needed to have Luke’s wife tell her that Lillie should behave herself. She lifted the girl into her lap and put her lips to her ears. “
Shhh
. Hush up and say a prayer.”

The bishop went on as if he’d heard nothing. Emma hoped he hadn’t. It was her job now to make sure the children behaved. So as not to embarass Luke.

The bishop intoned the verses of the Gospel of John that spoke of everlasting life. Emma blinked back tears. When he closed the Bible, everyone knelt. It was a relief to be on her knees. To allow the bishop to speak for her what she couldn’t say to God herself.

Annie’s hand on her arm jerked her back to this place in time where her parents were making their final journey. She realized the bishop had begun the benediction. She stood on trembling legs, Lillie’s tiny hand in hers.

“William and Ruth Shirack were married twenty-seven years. They had eight children.” He’d moved on to the obituaries. The simple summing up of two lives full of love, hard work, and faithfulness to the
Ordnung
.

As the bishop finished they rose simultaneously. Miriam squeezed between Catherine and Annie. “Emma, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

Emma swallowed tears that threatened her determination to remain steadfast in this time of darkness. She cleared her throat. “You can find Josiah, make sure he’s all right.”

The expression on Miriam’s freckled face looked uncertain. Her eyes were wet with tears. She had such a heart for others’ pain. “Of course. I looked for him earlier, but I couldn’t find him. He hasn’t come to see me. I know he must need time to mourn, but I thought I might offer some small comfort.”

Emma patted her arm. “People mourn in different ways. Especially men. There will come a time when he will need you.”

Miriam nodded. Her cheeks blushing pink, she sighed. “I’ll go to him.”

After admonishing Catherine to keep a tight rein on Lillie and Mary, Emma followed Miriam from the room. She rushed down the hallway toward the bedroom where the simple wooden caskets sat on trestles her uncles had built. The men and women began to move the benches for the viewing. Aunt Rachel and Aunt Bertha would take care of serving the refreshments.

She rounded the corner, intent on the tasks at hand. Josiah leaned against the wall, his hand to his ear. Miriam whirled at her approach. “Oh, Emma, I don’t know…he’s talking on a cellular phone!”

Emma halted. “Josiah, is that a phone?”

He straightened and his hand dropped to his pants, but not before
Emma saw the compact black phone. She’d seen many like it in town where the Englischers seemed to delight in having loud conversations as they perused the items on the grocery store shelves or bought muffins at Sadie Plank’s bakery.

Defiance radiating from his face, Josiah crossed his arms. “So what if it is?”

“At your parents’ funeral?” Emma turned to Miriam. “I’m so sorry you’re in the middle of this. Please…could you help in the kitchen? I’ll take care of it.”

Her expression stricken, Miriam looked back at Josiah. “I want to help. If you need to talk, you can talk to me. You don’t need that phone.”

Josiah had the good grace to look embarrassed. He took a step closer to Miriam, pointedly ignoring Emma. “I’m sorry. I know you expected something from me, but I don’t think I’ll be able to give it to you. I’m sorry, really I am.”

Her cheeks blazing, Miriam stepped back and turned to Emma. “I won’t say anything. I know you’ll make it right.”

She fled without looking back.

Glancing around to make sure Luke and her uncles were nowhere in sight, Emma grabbed Josiah’s arm and ushered him into the boys’ bedroom. She managed to keep her voice at a furious whisper. “Have you no shame? You just hurt a person who cares deeply for you. And you’ve shamed us all by bringing this phone into our home! Do you realize what could happen? Who could you be calling at a time like this?”