To Summon Nightmares (15 page)

He showered, making sure to wash off all the sweat, and by the end he felt much better, especially when he put his binder back on under a fresh t-shirt. He stared at himself in the mirror for several minutes, drinking in the sight of his flat chest. The relief was almost euphoric. He hoped Niall would be willing to stay up with him for a bit. He didn't want to have to take the binder off and go back to sleep. Not for a while still.

Niall built the fire up again and they slipped into bed together. Cohen sat nestled in Niall's arms, staring at the flickering purple flames and the sparks of gold magic that jumped off of them.

"Niall," he said finally. "Do you think that you could use magic to make me... you know, cis?"

"No," said Niall. "I wouldn't dare. I don't know my magic nearly well enough, I could hurt you really badly."

Cohen shifted, his stomach squirming. He had to know. "But I mean, with all the magic out there, there must be someone who could do it."

"There probably is," agreed Niall. "But it'd be a really dangerous procedure, and probably very expensive as well, and whoever did it would probably belong to the Guild, so you'd be in their debt. But... He sighed, and Cohen felt like he waited forever to say, "Yes, it's probably possible."

Cohen's heart leapt into his throat. It was possible. He could make his dysphoria go away. He could be normal, like everyone else, never have to worry about how he looked to other people, or how wrong his body felt. And he could have sex. But the squirming in his stomach was still there. There was something wrong with that idea; something indescribably horrible about it. "I don't know if I want that though," he said. "I don't know why, but... it feels like this is part of who I am."

"You're braver than me," said Niall sadly. "If I could go back in time and make it so I'd never gotten these powers, I would. If I was brave enough, I'd summon that demon right now and ask him to take them away. But you," he turned to look at Cohen, "you do so much with what you have. You tell your story, and you inspire people..."

"But you could do so much too," said Cohen. Niall's face fell, and Cohen almost wished he hadn't said it. Almost.

Niall turned away. "I couldn't. I'm a coward."

"You're not." Cohen shook his head vehemently. "The stakes are huge for you." It was true. Niall could die, he could be captured and tortured. And Cohen? What was stopping him from doing what he wanted? "Niall," he said, "this might be a bit out of the blue, but I kind of want to try having sex again."

Niall looked like he welcomed the distraction. "What, right now?"

Cohen nodded.

"Are... will you be okay? I don't want to make you uncomfortable again."

"Uncomfortable is just going to be part of it," said Cohen. "But I want to do it anyway. This is my body and I'm stuck with it this way. I don't want to miss out on anything just because it might make me uncomfortable. I have..." He could feel his cheeks colouring slightly. "Well, I brought my strap-on because I was afraid my family might find it in my room while I was away."

Niall laughed at that. He looked at Cohen for a moment, bit his lip. "Yeah," he said finally. "Yeah, I'd love to, just... just let me get cleaned up a bit."

"Okay." Cohen watched Niall go into the bathroom, excited, and then realised he needed to get ready too. He was buzzing with anticipation, terrified of the dysphoria this was probably going to cause, and determined to ride it out.

He pulled his pyjama pants off, and quickly changed into a set of briefs while Niall was still in the bathroom. Then he dug through his luggage a bit longer and pulled out a black plastic bag. Inside was his strap on and an old bottle of lube. They were the only sex paraphernalia he owned, bought for him by his first girlfriend, who had been several years older than him. He got embarrassed just thinking of what his parents would think if they found out Cohen had this sort of thing.

The strap on was black as well, long and quite realistic looking. Cohen had missed wearing it. He secured the thick polyester straps into place and slid his hand around the shaft to position it. He slid his fist up and down the soft silicone a few times, and his imagination did the rest. It wasn't as good as a real one would have been, of course, but it was something.

He was tightening it a little more, making sure the base was pressing up against his real (although notably smaller) cock perfectly, when Niall came back into the room. He was naked, and Cohen could feel the blush rising all the way to the top of his head.

"What do you think?" he asked, laughing through the mortification, and gave the dildo a little push, so that it bounced from side to side. "You can still change your mind." He said it as a joke, but part of him was still sceptical that Niall was actually going to go through with this.

Niall just smiled. He walked quickly towards Cohen, the firelight rippling on his skin, and pulled Cohen into a deep kiss. That desperate desire of Niall's was back, and Cohen happily gave in, opening his mouth to allow their tongues to slide together, and moaning as he felt Niall's body pressing into his.

Niall's hands were around Cohen's waist already, and Cohen easily slipped his onto Niall's, loving the feel of his hard, angular body. He ran his hands over the angles of his hips and his thighs, into the soft down of the hair between his legs. He broke away shortly, breathless, and whispered, "I'm going to touch you now."

Niall's reply was another encouraging kiss, so Cohen slowly slid his hand up Niall's thigh, and connected with the soft length there. It was hardening already, and Cohen began to move his hand over it, exploring its shape, the soft head and little folds of skin. It felt easy, somehow, as if he had been touching one all along.

"God," he whispered as a surge of lust ran through him, accompanied by a bit of pain at the knowledge that he would never get to do this for himself.

"Are you all right?" asked Niall, breaking their kiss and touching a hand to Cohen's cheek. Cohen had to give him credit for looking concerned even when he was obviously flushed with lust.

"I'm fine," said Cohen, and Niall kissed him again. It was hard to think about anything when Niall was kissing him like that, and Cohen was lost to the feeling of Niall's soft, pliant tongue and hard body, his cock straightening and filling out as Cohen pumped it. Together they stumbled over to the bed, and Cohen, in a moment of confidence, pushed Niall down and straddled him, kissing him still and running his hands over him once again.

They kissed for what seemed like an eternity, neither of them interested in rushing things. Niall's hands mostly remained on Cohen's back, sometimes sliding down to touch the backs of his thighs or brush over his ass. Cohen was exploring Niall's body thoroughly, with his hands first, and then his mouth. It was surprisingly similar to being with a girl, and Cohen felt relaxed and confident. He loved flicking his tongue over Niall's nipples, running it between the muscles of his stomach and over his hips.

Eventually he found himself between Niall's legs, and Niall automatically lifted his knees and spread his legs. Cohen ran his fingers up Niall's thighs, over his balls and down to the puckered skin underneath.

"You all right with this?" he confirmed.

Niall nodded. "I trust you."

"Can we do it this way, or should you turn over?"

"This way is fine."

"Okay," Cohen smiled. "Good, I want to look at you."

He moved away for a moment to grab the lube, secretly feeling a little nervous. "You've done this before, right?" he asked Niall, turning back as he rubbed lube between his fingers.

Niall was lying with his head still back, and didn't respond right away. "Yeah, yeah. Jacky and I..." he trailed off.

Cohen flinched, moving closer again. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dredge up bad memories."

Niall sat up a little, shrugging. "You're different from him. I thought what we had was good, but..." He was staring off into the distance now, his eyes lidded. "You know, looking back I don't think he was that kind to me. I'm sure he loved me but... I don't know if he
cared
about me."

"I care about you," Cohen reassured him. "I only want to do this if you do."

"I do," said Niall, his gaze finally snapping back to the present. "You don't know, I've wanted it for so long, I..." He laughed and ducked his head. "Sorry, never mind."

"No, what?" Cohen pestered him, laughing along with Niall. "What is it?"

"You know I used to watch your videos, sometimes, right?" said Niall. "Like, they'd let me go on the internet sometimes, and then once I escaped, I watched all of them, and I read your books. I... I sort of had a huge crush on you."

"Well, now you've met me, so I'm sure that's killed it dead," laughed Cohen, a little excited by Niall's admonition despite himself.

"Not exactly," said Niall with a grin, and then he leaned forward to kiss Cohen again. "Sort of..." he said between kisses, "I'd say... the exact opposite... actually... oh!"

Cohen had slid a wet finger over his opening and, encouraged by Niall's reaction, did it again, firmer this time. Niall leaned back and Cohen moved forward and began to finger him properly, one hand on Niall's cock, and the other moving in and out in a hooked motion. "This is right, right?" he confirmed. "This is how you do girls."

"Wouldn't know," grunted Niall. "But yeah, that's good. Oh!"

A brilliant excitement was buzzing through Cohen. He'd forgotten how much he loved giving pleasure. He could keep doing this forever, but Niall was looking up at him with his eyes dark and desperate.

"Cohen, please," he whispered, and Cohen hurriedly lubed the dildo up, sliding his hands over the length. The base bumped against him, sending a shudder of dysphoria through his legs to combat the excitement, but Cohen steadfastly ignored it. He pumped the dildo a few more times, forcing himself to adapt to the feeling, forget what the base was pressing against, focus on what the tip was pressing into.

"Go slow, okay?" Niall asked, "It's been a long time." He was propped up on his elbows, his body a gorgeous taut bow of sinews and muscles, and he tilted his head back as Cohen began to slide in, revealing the long lines of his throat and the bobbing lump of his Adam's apple. "Oh, god yes..." he moaned as Cohen leaned forward, his hands on Niall's hips for balance.

Cohen pressed his legs together as waves of lust washed through him at the sight of Niall like that. He leaned forward, wanting to be closer to Niall, and the dildo slipped in fully. Niall moaned, and Cohen thought for a moment the he was in pain, but then Niall's hands clamped around Cohen's arms and he pulled Cohen on top of him, wrapping his legs tightly around Cohen's hips.

Their faces were close enough to kiss again, and Cohen took advantage of it. Their tongues slid together, inside mouths and along lips and Cohen moved his hips, sliding in and out of Niall. He was out of practice, tiring quickly, but Niall was doing a lot of the work with his legs anyway. Niall's cock was hard up against Cohen's stomach; Cohen could feel it through the fabric of his t-shirt. He rubbed against it a little as he fucked, and Niall moaned into his mouth.

"God, I'm going to come, Cohen."

"Mm," Cohen pushed through into his second wind and continued fucking. The slight readjustment had caused the base of the dildo to press into him perfectly, and suddenly he didn't need to make himself move his hips, his body was doing it for him, desperate for more of that rocking pressure. "Mm! Niall!" He gasped, lifting himself up a little on his arms, and continued moving his hips. He could feel his face contorting with pleasure, could barely control the noises that escaped his mouth. The tip of Niall's cock was still pressing into his stomach, hard and a little wet now. Cohen wanted to reach down and touch it, but he didn't want to risk losing that delicious pressure on his cock.

Niall did it for him, reaching down to pump himself as Cohen climaxed, holding the dildo deep inside Niall for as long as possible. Niall came a second later, spurting hot liquid onto Cohen's shirt and stomach. His body completely spent, Cohen collapsed onto Niall, and they lay gasping together.

Cohen thought maybe he ought to say something, or move, but for a long time, just lying there with Niall was all he wanted. Niall seemed to think the same thing, because he didn't say anything either, just lay quietly, stroking Cohen's hair and staring off into the distance again.

Finally Cohen's leg began to cramp a little, and he pulled back, sliding the dildo out of Niall. Niall smiled at him a little, and Cohen thought that he was probably fully aware of how sexy he looked, spent and sticky and open.

They took showers separately, Cohen not sure he was quite ready to be naked with Niall yet. But he put another t-shirt on (his third for the night) without his binder. He'd felt quite dysphoric through the whole process of cleaning off, and throughout the sex as well, really. But it had absolutely been worth it.

Niall dimmed the fire and then set up some sort of spell on the door to wake him if Cohen tried to sleepwalk, and then he came to bed, curling his body around Cohen's and snuggling close. For a while he was so quiet that Cohen thought he had fallen asleep. Then he stirred and said, "I'm going to talk to Jacky again, after work tomorrow. You're right, I can't just stand by and do nothing."

Cohen felt his blood run cold. "No," he said instinctively. "I don't want you to. What if he tries to hurt you?"

"Then I'll try to hurt him back," said Niall simply. "I can take care of myself."

Cohen sniffed and snuggled closer to Niall. He didn't like this one bit. He really had gotten himself involved in something bad. He was falling for a man who was in danger of dying. Was this what it was like to be married to a soldier? He didn't like it. He wanted Niall safe. He wanted to spend the last of his savings to cart him off to somewhere safe and leave all this behind. But he'd been the one who had told Niall that he couldn't just run away.

"You're brave," he told Niall, and Niall scoffed quietly.

"I'm really not. I'm a coward. Complacent."

"You're kind."