To the End of the Land (37 page)

“I can’t sleep with you.” His chest rose and expanded slightly.

“You’re simply incapable.”

“I’m incapable.”

“And even if you really want to, you won’t be able to fuck me.”

“Even if I …” He swallowed.

“Even if you’re dying to feel my legs around you, hugging you and tightening against you.” She knelt on the floor by his side and rolled down his underwear, and her hand hovered over his penis, and he let out a soft moan. “And even if my tongue rolls and glides on it,” she said with complete nonchalance, almost indifference, and felt that she had finally found the right voice, and that only thanks to the old Avram did she know how to do what she was doing. She dotted him with quick spots of wetness and rounded her lips around him. “Even if your tongue—” Avram murmured and choked up, and his hand lifted up of its own accord and came to rest on his forehead. “And even if, say,” she whispered in between licking and lightly sucking. “Even if,” he sighed and propped himself up on his elbows to see her body crouched on all fours next to his, and he stared at the way her beautiful long white back arched, and at the curve of her ass, and at the impertinent little breast hidden under her arm. “And even if maybe it roused a little, completely against its will, of course,” Ora added and ran her damp fingers over his glans, and tightened her grip, and sucked and bit lightly. “Even if it—” Avram murmured and licked his dry lips and his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. “And even if I kiss and lick at it and feel
it warm and throbbing in my hand.” “Even if you feel it warm,” Avram groaned, and a thread of passion suddenly glowed red inside him. “And even if, for example, I take it all deep inside my mouth,” she said with a calmness that surprised her, and did not take him into her mouth, and Avram moaned and moved his hips up toward her, longing to be gathered in. “And even if it stays asleep and keeps on dreaming inside my mouth,” she said, and enveloped him with her mouth. “Even if it—” Avram’s head fell back and his eyes rolled up, and he deeply inhaled the fullness that whispered in his thighs.

Ora dozes. Lying on her back, her head turned to one side, her face is tranquil and beautiful. Next to her ear, alongside a stem of onion weed, three fire bugs crawl in single file, gleaming like tiny red shields. In the shadow of her feet, hidden beneath some fringed rue, swallowtail caterpillars swell in black and yellow, batting their feelers against enemies, real and imagined. Avram looks at her. His eyes scan and caress her face.

“I was thinking,” his voice suddenly pipes up.

“What?” Ora awakes immediately.

“I woke you …”

“Never mind. What were you saying?”

“When you told me about his shoes, the big ones, I wondered if you remember all kinds of things.”

“Like what?”

He laughs awkwardly. “You know. Like, how he started to walk, or how—”

“How he started to
walk
?”

“Yes, the beginning …”

“Ofer? As a baby?”

“Because we talked about how he walked, and I was thinking—”

She laughs too, but there is something unpleasant in her giggle, exposing how completely she has accepted the fact that he never thought about Ofer as flesh and blood, as a human being who once, at some moment in time, had stood up on a pair of tiny legs and started to walk.

“It was when we still lived in Tzur Hadassah,” she says quickly, before he can take it back. “He was thirteen months old, and I remember it really well.” She pulls herself up into a seated position, rubs her eyes, and yawns. “Sorry,” she says with a strained jaw and clumsily covers her mouth. She has a pleasant sensation in her limbs. She’s had a good nap, but she hopes it won’t keep her awake at night. “Should I tell you?”

He nods.

“Ilan and Adam and I were in the kitchen. I remember how crowded it always was in there, before we did the renovations.” She gives him a sideways glance. “Do you really want me to?”

“Yes, yes, why are you—”

She folds her legs beneath her. Every sentence she utters seems to contain firecrackers of memory and new information that could hurt him. For example, the slightly dark kitchen, and its smallness, and its crowded aromas, and the damp stains on the ceiling, and how she’d made love with him there once when they were young, standing up with her back against the pantry door. She felt bad telling him that they’d renovated the kitchen, as though by doing so they had removed all traces of him.

“The three of us were in the kitchen, us and Adam, and Ofer was playing on the rug in the living room. We were talking, chattering, it was in the evening. I was probably cooking something, maybe frying an omelet, and Ilan was probably making spaghetti. I’m just guessing now. And Adam … I think he was already sitting on a proper chair by then. Yes, of course, he was four and a half or so, right? So we’d already switched the high chair to Ofer.” She speaks slowly. Her hands move, furnishing the picture in her mind, positioning the actors and props in their places. “And I suddenly noticed that it was very quiet in the living room. And you know, when you have a baby—” Avram blinks to indicate, to warn her, that he doesn’t know, and Ora, without thinking, blinks twice:
Now you do know
—“when you have a baby, you always have one ear tuned to him, especially when he’s not right next to you. And somehow you’re always picking up little signals, every few seconds. A cough or a sniffle or a mumble, and then you—I—can relax for a few seconds.” She examines his face. “Should I go on?”

“Yes.”

“Are you interested?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“No.”

She sighs. “Where was I?”

“It was quiet in the living room.”

“Yes.” She takes a deep breath and chooses not to respond to the insult. At least he’s honest, she says to herself. At least he says exactly what he feels.

“I realized immediately that I wasn’t getting the signal. And so did Ilan. Ilan had the instincts of an I-don’t-know-what. Of an animal,” she says, and Avram picks up what she isn’t saying: Ilan took good care of your boy. Ilan was a good choice. For both of us. She can barely resist describing what she now remembers, a series of scenes in which Ilan uses his teeth to remove a tiny splinter from Ofer’s foot; Ilan licks a speck out of Ofer’s eye; Ofer lies on Ilan, who lies in the dentist’s chair and strokes and hypnotizes Ofer with soft purring breaths—“Ofer got the injection and my whole mouth went numb,” he tells her later.

“So I rush to the living room and I see Ofer standing in the middle of the room with his back to me, and it was obvious that he’d already taken a few steps.”

“On his own?”

“Yes. From the round table, you remember that low wooden table we found in a field once, when the three of us were hiking, a kind of round thing that was used to store cable?”

“Something from the electrical company …”

“You and Ilan rolled it all the way home.”

“Yes, sure.” He smiles. “That thing still exists?”

“Of course it does. When we moved to Ein Karem we took it with us.”

They both laugh in astonishment.

“And Ofer,” she continues, and draws a thin line in the dirt with her finger, “must have moved from that table to the big brown couch—”

I remember, Avram’s face says.

“And from there he walked to the floral armchair—”

“I still have its sister to this day,” Avram murmurs.

“Yes, I saw that,” Ora notes with a grimace. “And from there, I guess, he went toward the bookcase, the brick bookcase—”

“The red bricks—”

“That you and Ilan used to pick up all over the place—”

“Ahh, my bookcase.”

Ora wipes the dirt off her hand. “This is all guesses, you see, ’cause I don’t really know exactly how he walked, what his route was. By the time I got to the living room he was already standing a few steps beyond the bookcase, and then he didn’t have anything more to hold on to, nothing, so he was walking in an open space.”

It takes off inside her now, the greatness and the wonder of the act, the bravery of her little astronaut.

“And I actually stopped breathing. So did Ilan. We were afraid to startle him. He stood with his back to us.” She smiles, her gaze lost in that room, and Avram steals a look and draws his face in the same direction. And Ilan, she remembers, came up and hugged her from behind. He steadied her and crossed his arms over her belly, and they stood together quietly, swaying in a sort of muted coo.

A feathery quiver in her back climbs up and spreads around her neck and takes hold of the roots of her hair. She silently allows Avram to look at the scene: the room he knows so well, with its jumble of furniture, and Ofer standing there, a crumb of life in an orange Winnie-the-Pooh T-shirt.

“And of course I couldn’t help it, and I laughed, and the sound startled him and he tried to turn around and fell over.”

The soft, padded bump as his diaper hit the rug. The heavy head rocking back and forth. The insult at being surprised in this way, and then the wonderment on his face as he turned to her, only to her, as though asking her to interpret what he had just done.

“And where was Adam?” Avram asks from somewhere in the distance.

“Adam? He was still in the kitchen, I suppose, probably kept on eating—” She stops: How did he realize so quickly that Adam was left on his own, abandoned? Why did he rush to take his side? “But when he heard my laughter and Ilan’s cheers, he jumped up and came running.”

Alive and lucid she sees it: Adam grabs Ilan’s pants with his fist, head cocked to one side to examine his little brother’s achievement. His lips curl into a grimace that gradually, over the years, through the slow process of sculpting the soul in the flesh, would become a permanent feature.

“Listen, the whole thing lasted three or four seconds, it wasn’t some kind of saga. And the three of us quickly ran over to Ofer and hugged him, and of course he wanted to get up again. From the minute he learned how to stand up, you couldn’t stop him.”

She tells him how hard it was to put Ofer down at night. He kept standing up, holding on to the wooden bars and pulling himself up, and he would stand there, then collapse with exhaustion, then stand up again. In the middle of the night, confused, crying, longing to sleep, he’d get up and just stand there. And when she changed his diaper, or tried to sit him in his chair to eat, or when she strapped him into the car seat, he constantly squirmed and pushed his way up, as if a big spring were launching him, as if gravity were reversed in him.

She sighs. “Do you really want to hear all this, or is it just to make me feel good?”

He produces a slightly diagonal nod, which she has trouble interpreting. Perhaps he means both things? And why not, in fact? This is something, too. Take what there is.

“Where was I?”

“He fell.”

“Oh,” she groans in painful surprise, the air slashed out of her in one sweep. “Don’t say that.”

“I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry, Ora.”

“No, it’s okay. You should know that when I talk about him with you, he’s all right, he’s protected.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. That’s what I feel. He’s preserved.”

“Yes.”

“Does that sound crazy?”

“No.”

“Should I tell you more?”

“Yes.”

“Say it with words.”

“Tell me more. About him.”

“About Ofer.”

“About Ofer, tell me about Ofer.”

“So we helped him up”—her eyes flutter for a moment, having seen an ungraspable picture: he said “Ofer”; he touched Ofer—“and we stood him on his feet and held out our arms and called him to us, and he walked again, very slowly, wobbling—”

“To who?”

“What?”

“To which one of you?”

“Oh.” She strains her memory, surprised by his new sharpness, the dim flash of determination in his face. Just like long ago, she thinks, when he was intent on understanding something new, an idea, a situation, a person, and he would circle around and around in a slow gallop, very lightly, with that predatory glint in his eye.

Then she remembers. “To Adam. Yes, of course. That’s who he walked to.”

How could she have forgotten? Tiny Ofer, very serious and focused, looking intently ahead with his mouth open and his arms straight in front of him. His body rocked back and forth and one hand dropped and grasped the wrist of the other, declaring himself a closed, independent, self-sufficient system. She can see it alive and sharp: she and Ilan and Adam stand across from him, some distance from one another, holding their hands out, calling, “Ofer, Ofer,” laughing, tempting him, “Come to me.”

As she recounts the story, she realizes something she missed at the time: the moment of Ofer’s first choice between them, and his distress when they forced him to choose. She shuts her
eyes and tries to guess his thoughts. He had no words, after all, just the inner push-and-pull, and she and Ilan and Adam cheered and danced around him, and Ofer was torn as only a baby can be torn. She rushes away from his distress, and her face is already lighting up with Adam’s astonished glee when Ofer finally turned to him. His amazement and happiness and pride momentarily erased the grimace and turned it into an excited smile of disbelief at being chosen, at being wanted. A stream of pictures, sounds, and smells churns inside her, everything coming back now—how Adam had welcomed Ofer when she and Ilan brought him home from the hospital, just over a year before that day. She has to tell Avram about that, but maybe not now, not yet, she mustn’t flood him, but she tells him anyway: “Adam jumped up and down and went wild, and his eyes burned with electric fear, and he hit his own cheeks with both hands, slapping himself hard and shouting wildly, ‘I’m happy! I’m so happy!’ ”

Then Adam made the same high squeaks that used to erupt from the depths of his body every time he went near Ofer’s crib for the first few months, a series of small uncontrollable shrieks, an almost animalistic mixture of affection and jealousy and uncontainable excitement. That was exactly how he chirped that day, when Ofer wobbled over to him at the first moment of choice. Or perhaps they were different chirps. “What do I know? Maybe he was guiding and encouraging Ofer in a language only the two of them knew.”